Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Ending this relationship...and anger.

Posted by   + Show Post

Long story short-ish, I was with my ex fiancee for 71/2 yes. It was abusive. He choked me a couple times, spit in my face once, threw things and was an angry and mean person. I have a 9yr old son from a previos relationship and we have a 6yr old son together. I stayed in the relationship even though he was abusive when I shouldnt have. Anyway, one day he packed my clothes in trash bags in front of my children and threw the bags into the livingroom and told me to get out (because I had told him he was selfish). That wasnt the first time he had done it but for whatever reason, that was the end for me. I got an apartment that wouldnt be ready for a few months but we made up and I was scared to tell him about the apartment. He promised to change for the 100th time and I told him that I was going to move. He didnt like it but for the first time I actually stuck with it. Through the years we were together I begged him to be nice to me, invited him to church, etc. Now that we arent together anymore, he reads the bible every day, takes my sons to church with him every sunday and when I dont go (im more of an every month church-goer than every week) he looks at me as if its shameful. Even if this change is real and permanent, I dont plan on getting back with him because I am so angry and resentful. It bothers me that since weve been together, I put my friends on the back burner becaudse he would get angry when I went with them. I didnt go to church when I wanted because he didnt want to go. I never did anything because he didnt want to do anything. I am 27. He is 40. I was 19 when we met so I went straight from my moms house, to being with him. I never lived. I allowed him be the center of my existance because I didnt want him mad with me because him being mad lasted weeks and i wanted to keep it to a minimum. Now, this isnt completely his fault. I stayed. I put up with it. Now that we arent together, it makes me mad as hell that he's all "im saved, im working on me, etc" and I feel like a complete failure for letting this happen. I missed out on so much friendship and opportunities. My boys think he's the best thing since sliced bread and wonder why Im not in church as much as him. Im just plain old pissed off. About the abuse, about my choice to stay, about the fact that he so easily is forgiving himself while I cry at the thought of the things hes done. How can I move on and stop from being angry about things that i cannot change??? Also, he feels that I am breaking up the family and doing a horrible thing by deciding to leave. That makes me feel like Im doing the wrong thing even though i know I do not love him and dont think I could ever get over the things he has done. Am I a terrible person for leaving? I just feel guilty now that he says Im tearing the family apart because thats not my intent....

by on Apr. 29, 2012 at 7:50 PM
Replies (11-20):
Christywf
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 3:05 PM

You are only 27.  You still have your whole life ahead of you. 

He is a manipulator, and an abuser.  Church or not.  Stay away.  I bet if you EVER reconciled with him again, all the same crap that happened before would happen again.  Don't let him make you feel guilty for "breaking up the family."  He did that once he started abusing you. 

Stay away and move on, and you have every right to be pissed.

Also see about going to school so you can support yourself and your kids.  Good luck, hon!!!!  ***HUGS***



 

snoggletog
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 3:10 PM


Quoting prenatalRN:

Thisand your boys will know the truth when they get older

Quoting .Sugaree.:

It is not your fault. He is still showing abusive behavior by blaming you---the victim. It is NEVER the victims fault. He will never change. Don't fall for it.

 


AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Apr. 30, 2012 at 4:01 PM

You're not a terrible person, you just need time to heal.  And I don't buy into the whole "I'm saved" thing from him.  I think he's trying to manipulate you into coming home.  If you were to do that, as soon as you walked through that door, he'd go back to being who he was when you left him.  (tight hugs)

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 4:08 PM

Well,you SHOULD be angry,I don't blame you. All these smart women have given you great advice,go live your life,move on,and don't ever let anyone treat you badly! Your age difference was way too much anyway,big red flag right there.

Redwall
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 7:46 PM

Good heavens, you are NOT a terrible person for leaving.  You're protecting yourself and your children.  Where in the Bible does it say it's ok to abuse your wife?  Don't go back...protect yourself and your children.  And regardless of your religion, I WILL pray for you and your kids.

 

hopealways4019
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 8:16 PM
You're a true inspiration! You should be the poster child, for fed up with being abused! I'm leaving no matter, what, ain't coming back, no matter how, much you claimed to have changed. It took me 10 yrs to leave my abusive ex. Congratulations!


Quoting livinthedream:

Long story short-ish, I was with my ex fiancee for 71/2 yes. It was abusive. He choked me a couple times, spit in my face once, threw things and was an angry and mean person. I have a 9yr old son from a previos relationship and we have a 6yr old son together. I stayed in the relationship even though he was abusive when I shouldnt have. Anyway, one day he packed my clothes in trash bags in front of my children and threw the bags into the livingroom and told me to get out (because I had told him he was selfish). That wasnt the first time he had done it but for whatever reason, that was the end for me. I got an apartment that wouldnt be ready for a few months but we made up and I was scared to tell him about the apartment. He promised to change for the 100th time and I told him that I was going to move. He didnt like it but for the first time I actually stuck with it. Through the years we were together I begged him to be nice to me, invited him to church, etc. Now that we arent together anymore, he reads the bible every day, takes my sons to church with him every sunday and when I dont go (im more of an every month church-goer than every week) he looks at me as if its shameful. Even if this change is real and permanent, I dont plan on getting back with him because I am so angry and resentful. It bothers me that since weve been together, I put my friends on the back burner becaudse he would get angry when I went with them. I didnt go to church when I wanted because he didnt want to go. I never did anything because he didnt want to do anything. I am 27. He is 40. I was 19 when we met so I went straight from my moms house, to being with him. I never lived. I allowed him be the center of my existance because I didnt want him mad with me because him being mad lasted weeks and i wanted to keep it to a minimum. Now, this isnt completely his fault. I stayed. I put up with it. Now that we arent together, it makes me mad as hell that he's all "im saved, im working on me, etc" and I feel like a complete failure for letting this happen. I missed out on so much friendship and opportunities. My boys think he's the best thing since sliced bread and wonder why Im not in church as much as him. Im just plain old pissed off. About the abuse, about my choice to stay, about the fact that he so easily is forgiving himself while I cry at the thought of the things hes done. How can I move on and stop from being angry about things that i cannot change??? Also, he feels that I am breaking up the family and doing a horrible thing by deciding to leave. That makes me feel like Im doing the wrong thing even though i know I do not love him and dont think I could ever get over the things he has done. Am I a terrible person for leaving? I just feel guilty now that he says Im tearing the family apart because thats not my intent....


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
windsails
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 8:25 PM

there is a difference between "going to church to LOOK good" and "going to church because you WANT TO BE GOOD", this is a tool he is using to manipulate you...don't fall for it...

when he spat in your face and choked you, that was HIM destroying your family, not you...what you have done is rescue your family from needless abuse, if it has caused him to clean up his act a little, even if it's just enough to "look good" in front of his boys then he owes you a big THANK YOU, he should be thanking you every day for leaving him because apparently it has opened his eyes even if just a little bit...but that is still not enough to go back...sometimes there is so much damage done there's not enough time in the world to mend and get over it, so what you do is, start over fresh, a new chaper, you read the last chapter, it's  over and didn't end that great, that's ok...start a new one...

don't be so hard on yourself, you probably would benefit from getting some counseing...i would look into that if it were me, sometimes we all need a little extra support, you're young girl....so much wonderful life still yet to be lived!!! hugs to you dear!!

OHgirlinCA
by Silver Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 8:29 PM
Do not feel guilty! Stay strong and keep your head up. Before you make any decision, ask yourself if you'll be able to respect yourself with that decision. And always remember, Don't be bitter, be Better!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
livinthedream
by on May. 17, 2012 at 2:31 PM
Thx so much guys! Sorry it took so long for me to reply, my laptop had a virus. You all are completely right. It will take time but I know what is right. Just because its hard doesn't mean it should be done. Thx again!!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MakinBabies
by on May. 17, 2012 at 2:39 PM

 Well, Mr. Fancypants Holierthanthou isn't a true Christian unless he's repented for everything, including treating you like crap. Bring that fact up to him and wipe the smug look off his face.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)