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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

i feel so alone and unappreciated....

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I have been married for 12 years and it seems like things are on a downward spiral. My husband acts like he doesn't care anymore. He never helps with house work yard work or the kids. We have none of our own but are raising his sisters kids. She has little to do with them. It seems I am the only one taking care of everyone. The boys are 3 and 4 yrs old and are always into something. My husband works then goes out with friends every night comes home eats and falls asleep. On weekends he is rarely home. I have no me time. He has all the time he wants. I tell him I need a break he doesn't care. How do I get him to take responsibility or atleast help out more. I can't do it all by myself any more. I'm getting worn out.
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 2:10 AM
Replies (11-20):
mom2acutiepie
by Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 3:00 PM

Maybe you should kick him out. Tell him that when he can start acting like a grown up he can come back. 

Quoting aunt_of_2:

I make plans To go out with friends he always messes it up. He comes home drunk or has been drinking and I will not leave him here with the boys if he's been drinking. And the rare occasions I do go out for the night I come home to a house that looks like a hurricane came thru. I feel like giving up and leaving for good but I can't leave the boys. Yes they are his sisters kids but I treat them likethey are mine and love them too much to leave them like their mom did.


wirehangers
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 4:12 PM
1 mom liked this

How was your relationship before the kids?Is he willing to go to counseling with you?Do you have any kind of support system like parents or siblings(obviousely not your husbands sister)?You sound like a very caring person that  probably worries about what would happen to the kids if you weren't with them and that makes your decisions even harder.I was in similar circumstances except the kids were our kids.I tried going to counseling with him but it didn't work.I unhappily stuck it out for  years and when my kids were 12 and 15 I made the very hard decision to go part time to night school,get my cosmetology license so I could have a really great paying job in a short amount of time,and I divorced my husband.It was so hard leaving my kids alone,they had major difficulties, and I cried all the time but eventually things worked out.My kids are now 15 and 18 and doing great,I'm super happy and honestly can't remember the last time I cried.Try counseling for yourself even if he won't go and start looking into low cost daycare programs if possible.Maybe there are programs you qualify for since you are a guardian to your sister in law's kids.I don't recommend waiting as long as I did but I had no support system and the waiting list for cheap daycare was a mile long and my kids never made it into the programs.

chloesmommy777
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 4:45 PM

How often does he drink too much?  That could contribute to his low energy and inability to care.  If that's the case, attend alanon, etc. Maybe you could leave with the boys--do you have any relatives who'd be willing and able to take you in? For a while, anyway...

Quoting aunt_of_2:

I make plans To go out with friends he always messes it up. He comes home drunk or has been drinking and I will not leave him here with the boys if he's been drinking. And the rare occasions I do go out for the night I come home to a house that looks like a hurricane came thru. I feel like giving up and leaving for good but I can't leave the boys. Yes they are his sisters kids but I treat them likethey are mine and love them too much to leave them like their mom did.


Azzura
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 5:03 PM
You sound like you are a really good person to take care of his sisters children all by yourself. I understand your situation but you really can't even pay people to care about something, they either care, or they don't. It sounds like you do, and he doesn't, in regards to those boys anyway. I don't know how long this living situation has been goin on or how long his behavior has been this way but if you would like some help then the best thing to do is ask directly. You don't have to be demanding or irritable, you can simply ask can you help set the table? Would you please move the laundry over to the dryer? I need a favor, could you take the boys for few hours so I can get a nap/massage/pedicure/haircut.. Whatever. He sounds depressed, and like he's trying to escape his reality. He may be down but he cares about you and your needs doesn't he? I think it will get better for you, those little guys are getting to pretty manageable ages actually. They will soon be your two biggest helpers! Take care of yourself!
thecoffeefairy
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 5:09 PM
Get a job of your own. Then you have your own money and the freedom to do your own thing. You have one life. Don't waste it, trapped in an unhappy relationship. Take charge of your own life and chose to be happy, with or without him.
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BannerElkHogans
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 5:28 PM
1 mom liked this

say hey douche bag- these are your worthless sister's kids an if you want to keep me around as the subistitute mother for them you need to get your ass into gear an stop acting like a selfish asswade! I want to go out too....do u ever ask me or invite me NO! and another damn thing House's don't cook an clean theirselves an the same goes with the yard............next weekend when your off I'm going to lock u outside until the yard looks like I want it to look! you need to put your foot down shug ..........because you haven't thats why he's running you in the ground ..........an put his ass on SEX lock down too til he changes- if you starve him,ignore him,an lock him down from sex -u will be amazed how fast they will change !!!!!!!!!!!!  I know because I'v done all of this an much much more :)

wirehangers
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 6:45 PM

I didn't see the part about him being an alcoholic until now.Oh wow!I have even more in common with you than I thought.Substance abuse adds in a whole new level of difficulty.My ex was an abusive alcoholic that wasn't fit to parent.We each had kids from previous relationships and everything was great at first.I was very young when we got married and he was very fake.He acted like a great father and even got my 2 year old to call him daddy(big mistake).It wasn't til after we decided to add one of our own that the real him came out.I asked him to get a vasectomy before I even gave birth.Amazingly he did but now I had a big mess on my hands and didn't know what to do.I really feel for you and definitely recommend trying to find daycare even more than ever.I love the"hey douchebag"comment above from BannerElkHogan since it reminds me of the day I finally got rid of him.He was being his usual screaming 'douchebag' self and was having one of his "I'm going to leave you if you don't do what I say!"fits that he didn't mean but this time I had already put my plan into action.It felt so good after 13 years to finally tell him"oh that sounds like a great idea I'll pack your stuff for you!".I then packed his stuff(in garbage bags of course)and put everything outside and never looked back.The look on his face was priceless.That was about 3 or 4 years ago(can't really remember LOL)and now when he's late on the alimony I get to text him and say"hey douchebag,hurry it up!"and yes he doesn't like having the abusive tables turned on him like that but he has to just sit there in his rented room drinking his beer and write those checks.Get help and get a plan!

aunt_of_2
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 7:11 PM
I am done the no sex thing not cooking or cleaning he has now hired someone to cut the grass which we can't afford. I ask him to do something like put clothes in the dryer put his dishes in the sink put his dirty clothes in the basket he doesn't do it. I asked him to move his hunting stuff from the dining room everyday for 6 months. It finally got moved when I threw it in the yard. The alcohol came into play when he got back from Iraq. He gets off at 330 everyday abd doesn't come home til 9 at night. He has been talking to and texting women since he got back in 2010. I have confronted him took his wedding band and everything short of leaving. I am tired of it but stay because the boys. If I leave his family will fight me for the boys out of spite even thought they don't want them. He is not abusive but I think it is mental abuse. Idk what else to try. I've tried getting him to go to church with me counseling and everything. I think I'm out of options and it may be time to throw in the towel. I will wait to see what the courts decide about the boys and if they go back to their mom I won't be staying around.
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wirehangers
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 9:03 PM

His problems are way beyond trying.You can only try things for so long and it sounds like you've tried everything.He does sound abusive to me.I wish I had better advice for the situation involving kids that aren't yours but I do know how you feel.My sister was a very neglectful parent and wasn't around for her first two kids.She left them with their dad who wasn't exactly great.I used to take care of those kids all the time and felt helpless with how they were past back and forth but they weren't mine and I couldn't take them even though I wanted to.I even lived with my sister for a while and helped while I was pregnant with my first daughter but had to make myself leave eventually.I wasn't kept away like you think you might be and even though I didn't live with them I kept myself available to them as an aunt,always prepared to step in whenever possible.They are now 18 and 21 and although they had a hard life,being ignored and passed around, they are happy,doing well and my 21 year old niece(who is the sweetest girl ever and is a reliable person) even got an apology from her mom recently.Although my nephew can be kind of a little douche sometimes,he's graduating highschool,is a great guitar player in a band that books shows,and he has a soft spot for animals.Especially my pug.I still second guess the way I've handled things with my kids,niece,and nephew.Could I have done things better?Sooner?Etc.,but I have never regretted leaving my husband.It has made a huge difference on how I handle stressful situations.Everything seems more peaceful and I feel ready for anything.

BannerElkHogans
by Bronze Member on May. 1, 2012 at 9:36 AM

Some men DON"T FREAKING GET IT!!!!!!  he's pushing you away an trying to escape his new life.............I would tell him I'f he wants to be Mr.Mom 24/7 - be need to help me atleast some of the time .....seeing as their his Siter's kid's an not His or yours.....if you an he have been taking care of his sis's kid's you should file for sole custody of them seeing as she abandon them an dumped them off on her brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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