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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Not really sure what to do

Posted by on May. 5, 2012 at 3:04 AM
  • 14 Replies

So, my husband and i were about to fool around, and he asked me to stick out my tonuge, I did, and he licked it.  I said "That was really weird" in a weird tone apparently, so he told me he was having "flash backs" which ussualy means he doesn't want sex and he's remembering a ton of negative things about me.  I told him afterwards, I would really l ike to be held, because when he says he's having flash backs, I feel unloved.  He got upset with me, and told me I wasn't being understanding of his feelings, and he made it sound like he was upset with me for telling him I needed to be held.  He's just upset, apparetnly, by how I tell him things,like when i told it was weird.  It's just that, when he did that it reminded me of being a trophy girlfriend to my ex boyfriend, and how I made myself do so many things i wasn't comfortable with, since I wasn't very confident then and wanted my ex to like me.  I told him this, and he got madder still saying "why don't you do the same for me?"  I tried to explain to him, they whys, and that I need more time to warm up to the idea of new sexual things.  It just really freaked me out.  I also, apologized for being insentative when I told him the tongue thing was weird, and that I didn't word things well when i was telling him how I was feeling.  I'm not very assertative in my needs, and I have a hard time telling people what I want, so i tend to just blurt it out or just sit there and take it till I have something good to say..with him, i tend to go with blurt it out.  I told him I'd work on it..not sure if he understood..but before I apologized I got upset with him since I didn't feel like he wanted to care about my feelings..i know big mistake.  Now, he's snoozing, and I can't sleep because I don't feel liked..the last thing he said before falling asleep was "I really wanted someone more senstative and caring" which really made me feel unwanted.  I just don't know how to deal with these feelings of unwanted, and the knowing we still have a few things to talk about in the morning. I can't sleep..help please?  I have to get up with my early raiser son in the morning :(

by on May. 5, 2012 at 3:04 AM
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Replies (1-10):
kajira
by Bronze Member on May. 5, 2012 at 3:53 AM

sounds like you have a lot of insecurities and issues - and while I think it's great you try and communicate with him - I can see why he'd be so upset.


Your so worried about your feelings - you aren't willing to care about his.

madamlinwe
by on May. 5, 2012 at 4:14 AM

I didn't do a very good job of showing him i did that's for sure.  

Quoting kajira:

sounds like you have a lot of insecurities and issues - and while I think it's great you try and communicate with him - I can see why he'd be so upset.


Your so worried about your feelings - you aren't willing to care about his.


kajira
by Bronze Member on May. 5, 2012 at 4:18 AM
1 mom liked this

at least he didn't want to lick your eyeball.

the tongue thing is kind of silly, but it's not really gross, i mean you french kiss and swap spit and do other things with your mouth.

You need to relax and just focus on what the two of you have together instead of how your ex's made you feel.


he's not them. and frankly, him wanting to be silly and try new things with you is a good thing. I would probably apologize and explain to him that you realize it's your fault the words came out wrong, and you care about his feeling and are willing to explore and try new things with him... but maybe he should warn you for a while first before he acts so you can prepare for it so you expect whats coming so you can react appropriately.


Quoting madamlinwe:

I didn't do a very good job of showing him i did that's for sure.  

Quoting kajira:

sounds like you have a lot of insecurities and issues - and while I think it's great you try and communicate with him - I can see why he'd be so upset.


Your so worried about your feelings - you aren't willing to care about his.



.Sugaree.
by on May. 5, 2012 at 4:25 AM
2 moms liked this
Sounds like you are the ones having flashbacks... Of your ex. I was abused by my ex (sexually as well as other ways) and sometimes I will get triggered or be sensitive to things DH does bc of it. It's not his fault. We just try to be open and I'll tell him how it makes me feel. Sometimes he takes it hard but he tries to remain understanding to what I've been through and be supportive. your DH sounds like an ass. Especially when u told him that u used to have to do things u were uncomfortable with with your ex and he said "why don't u do tat for me?" well ummm why would he want u to do something that made u feel uncomfortable?!
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snakes
by on May. 5, 2012 at 4:35 AM

Seems to me you have every right to your own feelings and he is obviously disregarding yours.  

BrookieCookie1
by on May. 5, 2012 at 7:18 AM
1 mom liked this

 wait did you cheat on him, or were you just free spirited with an ex? If it;s the latter, then I think you are married to a very manipulative and jealous and insecure man who apparently, likes to take emotional hostages and likes to use emotional blackmail. If so, next time he has one of his gay assed flashbacks (and again, i'm assuming there was no infidelity here) tell him to have fun playing pity party and that you're off to rub one out and go to sleep. i'M SORRY, BUT THIS MAN (AGAIN IF NO INFIDELITY WAS INVOLVED) sounds very immature and like a selfish child. He's too upset to have sex over something you did that doesn't even involve him? How the fuck are you two gonna try new shit when he acts like a little bitch if you dont automatically love every new thing? He doesnt; want someone sensitive and caring, he wants a doormat that's going to cater to every whim and has no baggage whatsoever in her past. Well, tell him go look for it elsewhere, then, because it doesn;t exist. All this walking on eggshells and no good comes of it? Maybe he needs to move on and you do too. He's got oyu on here feeling guilty as hell about what? I want you to ask yourself what it was you did. You didn't respond exactly as he wanted and because now he's remembering all this 'negative stuff' which translates into you having a past relationship. You did nothing wrong. You're human and you're honest and if he can't get over that, then its time to hit the bricks!

nicole2884
by on May. 5, 2012 at 8:18 AM

i dont understand why he is upset , when all you were doing is sharing your thoughts, an wanting to be held when your upset is a normal reaction.

sounds like you have some things to work past, bring your ex in your new relationship can be hazardous 

i to had to learn to deal with my ex an move on an quit comparing, it was hard but i finally did it an it made our relationship much better 

EmilyMarshall
by on May. 5, 2012 at 8:20 AM
BUMP!


rowansmum
by on May. 5, 2012 at 8:28 AM
I have to agree here. You just said how you felt. How were you SUPPOSED to word it? I think maybe you guys both need to work on putting the past in the past and really consider what both of you want. Are you together for love or are you together (and this one is more focussed to you) because you're afraid to be alone?

Quoting BrookieCookie1:

 wait did you cheat on him, or were you just free spirited with an ex? If it;s the latter, then I think you are married to a very manipulative and jealous and insecure man who apparently, likes to take emotional hostages and likes to use emotional blackmail. If so, next time he has one of his gay assed flashbacks (and again, i'm assuming there was no infidelity here) tell him to have fun playing pity party and that you're off to rub one out and go to sleep. i'M SORRY, BUT THIS MAN (AGAIN IF NO INFIDELITY WAS INVOLVED) sounds very immature and like a selfish child. He's too upset to have sex over something you did that doesn't even involve him? How the fuck are you two gonna try new shit when he acts like a little bitch if you dont automatically love every new thing? He doesnt; want someone sensitive and caring, he wants a doormat that's going to cater to every whim and has no baggage whatsoever in her past. Well, tell him go look for it elsewhere, then, because it doesn;t exist. All this walking on eggshells and no good comes of it? Maybe he needs to move on and you do too. He's got oyu on here feeling guilty as hell about what? I want you to ask yourself what it was you did. You didn't respond exactly as he wanted and because now he's remembering all this 'negative stuff' which translates into you having a past relationship. You did nothing wrong. You're human and you're honest and if he can't get over that, then its time to hit the bricks!

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chaslee
by Bronze Member on May. 5, 2012 at 7:48 PM
2 moms liked this

Your past is causing him to have "flashbacks"?  Was he there?  Did he experience your past with you?  If the answer is no to either of those he is manipulating you, emotionally, into doing things you are not comfortable with.  And seriously, he is looking for someone that is more sensitive when he is the one that stated he wishes you would do things you are uncomfortable with for HIS sexual gratification?  I would say he needs to learn what it means to be sensative, because he doesn't have a clue.

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