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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Open to Advice

Posted by on May. 7, 2012 at 2:46 PM
  • 24 Replies

I've read a lot of posts about this topic, but none of them are comparitive to my unique situation. I'm to the point I dont know what else to do. Here's the situation:

My husband and I have been married almost 6 years. I have 2 children from previous relationships. He took us in and has been wonderful. I made sure to tell him before we ever got married that I was done having children, that I really never wanted any in the first place; and that I was just dealing with what life had thrown at me. I love my children. Don't get me wrong there. But they aren't the issue here.  I had my tubes cauterized when my daughter was one; I was so sure I didnt want any more children. Again, something he knew long before we got married.

Well, he wants a child of his own. And we have been fighting off and on about this for a few years now. Turns out he thought I'd change my mind once he provided me with the life I'd always dreamed of having. I have not. I feel just as strongly now as I did when I made the decision to not have any more. He says if I loved him I would give him a child. That he's sacrificed everything for me and my children; but I wont make that one sacrifice for him. 

So when we've had the talks, and the fights about it...he stands his ground just as hard as I do mine. Seems to me the only solution is to have a baby I don't want; or get divorced. Yet whenever I say that word to him he gets angry and says I should just love him and give him a child. And he can't believe I'd so easily come to the conclusion that we should get divorced. I can't make him see that that is the only logical conclusion to this situation.  Is it? 

It's just when I even try to think of having another baby, it makes me physically ill. I get naseous. I freak. It's hard enough raising the two I've got. I want to make him happy. I've done everything else in the world he has asked me to do. But none of it is enough; it doesn't matter. Because I won't have his child. I don't know what to do anymore. This is tearing us apart, and hurting my children.

by on May. 7, 2012 at 2:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
thecoffeefairy
by on May. 7, 2012 at 2:48 PM
2 moms liked this
He knew how you felt in advance. His stubbornness is HIS failing, not yours.
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indymom72
by Bronze Member on May. 7, 2012 at 2:50 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting thecoffeefairy:

He knew how you felt in advance. His stubbornness is HIS failing, not yours.


yeah..this....damn momma...I am so sorry!! Shame on him really...

MumsTheWord571
by Bronze Member on May. 7, 2012 at 2:53 PM
I agree. He should go to counceling.


Quoting thecoffeefairy:

He knew how you felt in advance. His stubbornness is HIS failing, not yours.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
BonitaM
by Ruby Member on May. 7, 2012 at 2:53 PM
1 mom liked this

I feel the same as you.  Once I became pregnant I knew I didn't want kids.  It was too late though and I love my daughter to pieces but I'd never want another one.  However, I love my husband so much that if he really did want another child I'd try for another.  I too have my tubes tied and don't regret it for a second but I live to make my DH happy and I know that I would love another child as much as I love my daughter.  I'm not in the same position as you because DH too is done with having kids.  What reason is it exactly that you don't want another child?  Is it the pregnancy? The baby years? or Just having one more kid?  Would he consider adobtion? A surrogate?  Is there any way you guys could find a compromise?

AlannaMaria
by on May. 7, 2012 at 2:55 PM
1 mom liked this
That's tough, I'm not sure what to do in a situation like this.
Here's a bump! Good luck with whatever decision you
Make. * hugs*
Mrs.Kacos
by on May. 7, 2012 at 3:01 PM

I had both of my children very young, and had to raise them alone. I just never really wanted kids in the first place. My grand plan was to graduate high school and go to college to become a marine biologist. All that went out the window when I got pregnant at 17 with my first child.  

I just dont feel any desire to raise another child. I don't want to go thru another pregnancy. I dont relish the idea of losing the freedoms I have in order to raise another baby. I don't want to endure the financial burden of having another child. Much less the cost of having my tubal reversed. Not to mention the possible dangers I could suffer from the reversal up to the pregnancy down to the birth.  I also dont want to have the responsibility of raising another child. I've been raising children my whole life. I'm ready for some me time.  Yes, I know it's a bit of selfishness. But I think it's past time I do something for myself and not bend to the pressures everyone else puts on me. 



thecoffeefairy
by on May. 7, 2012 at 3:10 PM
There is nothing wrong with wanting a bit of freedom. I don't want any more kids either. I had my first at 17 as well. You miss out on being young. You deserve time now that yours are older and when they are grown, you deserve time to just enjoy life and all it has to offer, without the responsibility of little ones.
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Mrs.Kacos
by on May. 7, 2012 at 3:20 PM

I guess I just want the life we have now to be enough to make him happy. I want him to love my kids and accept them as his own. Because in my mind, they are. Everything they are, the lessons they learn, the life they live, is all by him. Why can't they be enough?  

I've suggested counseling. He says he doesn't need it. He's fine. That all the counselor is going to say is we should divorce, and he can't accept that either. 

CrazyLife1996
by on May. 7, 2012 at 3:37 PM
3 moms liked this
I asked my husband about your situation. This is what he said.

He knew from the beginning you don't want more children. He is pulling the BS card and trying to control the situation. He has no right to be angry if you were completely honest from the beginning. He needs to get over himself and be a man.

That came directly from my husband's mouth but I do agree with him..
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Sarcasimom
by on May. 7, 2012 at 3:41 PM
You told him how it was from the very begining and he chose not to hear it or believed he could change your mind. That is ALL him.
He shouldn't guilt you into another child.
Why can't he be happy with the two you have? Just because he didn't make them doesn't mean he can't enjoy raising them.
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