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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Thoughts on emotional abuse needed please UPDATE ADDED

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What's your definition of emotional abuse?

Would you leave if your DH or SO continued to emotionally abuse you?

Do you think emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse?

Any ideas on how I can make it stop?

We have been going to couples therapy for 6 months now and he is two faced. During the sessions he's lying and saying everything is fine then we come home and he's talking major stuff to me. I have repeatedly told him how I feel and he tells me I am too sensitive. Or he apologizes then turns around and keeps doing the same stuff! Our son will be 5 weeks old on Sunday and I think the only thing I can do is save up to move into my own place. I hope we can figure out visitation and child support without going to court. I have even tried writing letters and that doesn't help either. I don't know what else to do and I refuse to keep putting up with this crap.

UPDATE

He had the longest and most honest heart to heart we have ever had in our relationship last night. I told him my plans to save and leave because I was tired of the crap. He cried and got on his knees and begged for another chance and said he was truly sorry for not listening to me when I tried to tell him that he's hurting me. I included our son's age to the post just in case it really is just my hormones. He even made an appointment with the new therapist this morning before leaving for work. Other than this, he really is a good person. He works hard, thoughtful, and is usually kind.

Even if it doesn't work out, I will NEVER use my child as a pawn or keep him from his father. I used to be a pawn and will never put my son through the pain I still feel today.

I still plan on saving my money though. I am also going to my aunt's for a couple weeks to clear my head. I do love him very much and want to have no regrets or what ifs just in case we don't make it. I don't want to feel guilty later for not giving my all and trying everything possible to save our relationship.

On a positive note, I just want to say, YOU LADIES ARE AWESOME AND THANKS SO MUCH FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO TRY AND HELP ME! I really appreciate the honest comments and not being snarky. :-)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on May. 12, 2012 at 12:06 AM
Replies (31-40):
CrazyLife1996
by on May. 12, 2012 at 9:57 AM
1 mom liked this
When I saw your post I wanted to respond.

Like your husband my husband was also abused growing up. He has been emotionally abusive and he has struggled for years to break the cycle. Finally when we were at our breaking point in our marriage he realized that I couldn't live this way anymore. He put everything he had into breaking the cycle. This is what he did and still does.

He isn't one to sit with a counselor and talk. He went and bought Dr. Phil's Self Matters. He started doing everything he read.

The second thing he did was purchase a program from Mort Fertel to help rebuild our marriage.

It has been a lot of hard work but he has changed and no longer emotionally abuses me or our children. He also realizes that he has to never lose focus on what kind of man he wants to be.

I only suggested these things because you said you still love each other and he loves you enough to let you go because he can't find the tools to change. Even if you never reconcile maybe this could help him be the man he truly wants to be.




Quoting sweetnspacey:

I was emotionally abused for a long time. He wont stop, it's a cycle. He'll be good for awhile then go back to it and right when you're about to break he'll be nice again. My ex husband was abused badly as a child and he knew he was emotionally abusing me. He really tried to change but always fell back into it. I told him that if he couldn't stop to please just leave me because it was killing me. He finally did and we both still love each other but I am a lot happier.


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CrazyLife1996
by on May. 12, 2012 at 10:02 AM
1 mom liked this
First thing and this truly is the most important question.

Do you love him?

It doesn't have to be inlove.


Quoting misslady80013:

No, he really hasn't. It started a year ago but has been more often and hurtful the last several weeks. Our 5 year anniversary is in July.



Sure! I would appreciate that, thanks!




Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?





I have a couple of suggestions to help you get through this time while you get stable.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
bhow
by on May. 12, 2012 at 10:12 AM
1 mom liked this

I am glad to hear your not afraid to leave.  Abuse sucks.  Be strong and stick to your guns you will survive.

misslady80013
by on May. 12, 2012 at 10:25 AM
Yes, I truly love this man with all my heart but I love my son and myself more. I don't want my son growing up and seeing this and thinking this is ok. I will kick his ass if I ever hear he was doing this to a future partner, kids, anyone.

Quoting CrazyLife1996:

First thing and this truly is the most important question.



Do you love him?



It doesn't have to be inlove.




Quoting misslady80013:

No, he really hasn't. It started a year ago but has been more often and hurtful the last several weeks. Our 5 year anniversary is in July.





Sure! I would appreciate that, thanks!






Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?







I have a couple of suggestions to help you get through this time while you get stable.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
misslady80013
by on May. 12, 2012 at 10:27 AM
Nope, not afraid at all. I was emotionally and physically abused my whole childhood. I refuse to let it continue for the rest of my life from anyone! I deserve to be happy and my son deserves a better example.

Quoting bhow:

I am glad to hear your not afraid to leave.  Abuse sucks.  Be strong and stick to your guns you will survive.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
CrazyLife1996
by on May. 12, 2012 at 10:43 AM
1 mom liked this
We used this program to save our marriage. But even if it doesn't save yours it will help you in your next relationship.

Mort Fertel is a therapist that approaches marriage in a completely different way. He has several programs including a program that begins with just you and can be changed when he also gets involved. Those programs are on the pricey side but are well worth the money. He also has just his book "Marriage Fitness " and it does cover everything the whole programs do. The full program just gives you more perks.

Also these steps are also what Mort and his wife used years ago to save their marriage and they are still inlove.


Quoting misslady80013:

Yes, I truly love this man with all my heart but I love my son and myself more. I don't want my son growing up and seeing this and thinking this is ok. I will kick his ass if I ever hear he was doing this to a future partner, kids, anyone.



Quoting CrazyLife1996:

First thing and this truly is the most important question.





Do you love him?





It doesn't have to be inlove.






Quoting misslady80013:

No, he really hasn't. It started a year ago but has been more often and hurtful the last several weeks. Our 5 year anniversary is in July.







Sure! I would appreciate that, thanks!








Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?









I have a couple of suggestions to help you get through this time while you get stable.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
misslady80013
by on May. 12, 2012 at 10:46 AM
Ok, I will look into that. Thanks. :-)

Quoting CrazyLife1996:

We used this program to save our marriage. But even if it doesn't save yours it will help you in your next relationship.



Mort Fertel is a therapist that approaches marriage in a completely different way. He has several programs including a program that begins with just you and can be changed when he also gets involved. Those programs are on the pricey side but are well worth the money. He also has just his book "Marriage Fitness " and it does cover everything the whole programs do. The full program just gives you more perks.



Also these steps are also what Mort and his wife used years ago to save their marriage and they are still inlove.




Quoting misslady80013:

Yes, I truly love this man with all my heart but I love my son and myself more. I don't want my son growing up and seeing this and thinking this is ok. I will kick his ass if I ever hear he was doing this to a future partner, kids, anyone.





Quoting CrazyLife1996:

First thing and this truly is the most important question.







Do you love him?







It doesn't have to be inlove.








Quoting misslady80013:

No, he really hasn't. It started a year ago but has been more often and hurtful the last several weeks. Our 5 year anniversary is in July.









Sure! I would appreciate that, thanks!










Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?











I have a couple of suggestions to help you get through this time while you get stable.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
CrazyLife1996
by on May. 12, 2012 at 10:49 AM
1 mom liked this
I forgot to add my husband and I are better than we have ever been.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you. If you need to talk I'm a good listener.


Quoting misslady80013:

Ok, I will look into that. Thanks. :-)



Quoting CrazyLife1996:

We used this program to save our marriage. But even if it doesn't save yours it will help you in your next relationship.





Mort Fertel is a therapist that approaches marriage in a completely different way. He has several programs including a program that begins with just you and can be changed when he also gets involved. Those programs are on the pricey side but are well worth the money. He also has just his book "Marriage Fitness " and it does cover everything the whole programs do. The full program just gives you more perks.





Also these steps are also what Mort and his wife used years ago to save their marriage and they are still inlove.






Quoting misslady80013:

Yes, I truly love this man with all my heart but I love my son and myself more. I don't want my son growing up and seeing this and thinking this is ok. I will kick his ass if I ever hear he was doing this to a future partner, kids, anyone.







Quoting CrazyLife1996:

First thing and this truly is the most important question.









Do you love him?









It doesn't have to be inlove.










Quoting misslady80013:

No, he really hasn't. It started a year ago but has been more often and hurtful the last several weeks. Our 5 year anniversary is in July.











Sure! I would appreciate that, thanks!












Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?













I have a couple of suggestions to help you get through this time while you get stable.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
misslady80013
by on May. 12, 2012 at 10:55 AM
Thanks, I need all the luck I can get right now.

Quoting CrazyLife1996:

I forgot to add my husband and I are better than we have ever been.



Good luck. I hope everything works out for you. If you need to talk I'm a good listener.




Quoting misslady80013:

Ok, I will look into that. Thanks. :-)





Quoting CrazyLife1996:

We used this program to save our marriage. But even if it doesn't save yours it will help you in your next relationship.







Mort Fertel is a therapist that approaches marriage in a completely different way. He has several programs including a program that begins with just you and can be changed when he also gets involved. Those programs are on the pricey side but are well worth the money. He also has just his book "Marriage Fitness " and it does cover everything the whole programs do. The full program just gives you more perks.







Also these steps are also what Mort and his wife used years ago to save their marriage and they are still inlove.








Quoting misslady80013:

Yes, I truly love this man with all my heart but I love my son and myself more. I don't want my son growing up and seeing this and thinking this is ok. I will kick his ass if I ever hear he was doing this to a future partner, kids, anyone.









Quoting CrazyLife1996:

First thing and this truly is the most important question.











Do you love him?











It doesn't have to be inlove.












Quoting misslady80013:

No, he really hasn't. It started a year ago but has been more often and hurtful the last several weeks. Our 5 year anniversary is in July.













Sure! I would appreciate that, thanks!














Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?















I have a couple of suggestions to help you get through this time while you get stable.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Innocencedreams
by on May. 12, 2012 at 11:16 AM
1 mom liked this

Emotional abuse is a gray area. What is abuse for some, isn't for others. But anything that is demeaning, cruel, offensive, threatening, degrading, or just apathetic towards your partner (or child) is emotional abuse.  I would leave if my husband treated me that way. I was emotionally abused during my childhood. It took me years to heal, and there are days where I still deal with the results. I have to much respect for myself now to go through it anymore. Abuse of any kind is awful. None is worse, they are all equally horrible. For some women, emotional may be worse than sexual or physical, for others sexual or physical may be worse than emotional. Emotional is more difficult to heal from and get treatment for, because there are no real visible scars from it. My only suggestion is leave. You deserve better.

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