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This is Disgusting, But I Need Advice

Posted by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:00 PM
  • 23 Replies

I love my boyfriend, and he's a great dad, but I'm having a problem with some of his hygene.  It isn't his fault, but he has some problems with pooping, and going when he feels the need to go.  Sometimes this leads to him 'leaking', which I think is disgusting, and he seems to hate it as well.  I've gotten to the point where I wash all of his underwear seperate from all of the other clothes.

The real problem I have is that he refuses to wear clothes to bed, and a lot of leakage occurs then.  I'm tired of our bed stinking and having to wash the sheets almost daily.  I don't know how to talk to him about it, since it seems like he's embarassed enough about it.  I tried saying, "Maybe you should start wearing clothes to bed in case our child needs something in the night and I'm unavailable.  Or if the house catches on fire and we needs to get out fast."  Good lord, there are a million reasons to wear clothes to bed, but he doesn't believe in a single one of them.

It's not like he doesn't shower or shave or stay clean otherwise.  It's just his leakage and the refusal to wear clothes to bed.

I'm at a loss.

by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:00 PM
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by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:09 PM
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He may need to see a doctor. I know kids can get a stretched rectum from holding it in too long. One way to get it back to normal is laxatives. He can't hold it in. He will have to go.

If his rectum is stretched, then he is unable to keep his rectum tightly closed, hence the leakage. Unless he has some other issue, like constant diarrhea.

I don't think there is any way around it except talking to him about it. I'd tell him he needs to see a doctor, set times to go to the bathroom even if he thinks he doesn't have to go yet, or try something to stop the problem. Also, wearing clothes to bed would be a give in if he wants to continue to share the bed with you. He is a grown adult, he has had time to take care of this issue. He is definitely aware. Maybe he just isn't aware of how gross it is and how off putting it is to you. You have to set some rules. He does his own laundry, he wears clothes to bed, he changes and washes as soon as it happens, or he goes to a doctor to rectify the issue.
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by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:10 PM
He should see a doctor
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by Ruby Member on May. 14, 2012 at 8:13 PM
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I think he should see a doctor.  I wouldn't spare his feelings.....embarassed or not you're the one who has to clean up after him so if he's not willing to put on some clothes for bed for any of the reason you gave him....give him the real reason. 

by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:17 PM
Some times the leakage is called sepage (sp?) And its caused by being so constipated that its compacted in thr bowel.... Often called piles.... He should see a doctor, because it could be that there is some kind of blockage.
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by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:23 PM
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I would not clean up poop after a grown man unless he is seeing a doctor, trying to get it fixed or has a diagnosis that it is not treatable.

Anyway, you are going to just have to talk to him. That is so gross, there are so many things in feces, this is really bad for your health. I would tell him, I know this is embarrassing, but I need to talk to you. You need to see a doctor, this is a medical issue and I am worried about you. Also, not only is it disgusting, but it is bad for my health. if you can't wear clothes, I cannot sleep with you. I will make the couch my new bed... Be as nice and understanding as possible, but let him know it is unacceptable.
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by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:26 PM

 :( sounds to me you have tried to be subtle, and thats not working, so you are probably gonna have to be blunt... I have a child who use to suffer from this... his body pushes too hard when he farts causing him to shart...even in his sleep... I would be more concerned with getting fecal matter on myself while sleeping with him.... good luck,....

by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:29 PM

Sometimes you just have to lay down the law. Yeah its embarrasing but I would not allow him to keep leaking in my bed. You need to tell him in the nicest way possible that he needs to go to the doctor. Until he can get things under control he needs to where depends and if he can not go along with this then he can go somewhere else.  Im sorry but he should not want to put you through this when there are ways to make the problem better until cured.

by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:54 PM

He needs to see a doctor. Fecal incontinence, also known as bowel incontinence, is a condition that causes an inability to control bowel movements. This can lead to stool leaking out of the rectum unexpectedly. This condition can range from a small leakage of stool while passing gas to an entire loss of the control of your bowels. The condition can be cause by several different factors.


One of the most common causes of fecal incontinence, constipation occurs when a stool becomes hard and gets lodged in the rectum. When this occurs, watery stool can leak out around the hard stool. Also, the constipation can cause the rectum walls to weaken, making it harder to control bowel movements. Finally, chronic constipation can cause the nerves of the rectum to become less responsive to the presence of feces, which allows it to leak out.


The rectum is designed to help control the passing of solid stool. When you are affected by diarrhea, the feces get loose and watery. The rectum muscles are unable to compensate for the change in consistency which can lead to leakage. Also, when you have diarrhea, the rectum fills with stool faster. When it fills and runs out of space, leakage can occur.

Muscle and Nerve Damage

Another cause of fecal incontinence can be damage to the anal or rectal muscles. When this occurs, the muscles may no longer be strong enough to hold in the stool, causing leakage. A major cause of this damage can be childbirth, especially if forceps are used. Childbirth (along with spinal cord injury and stroke) can also cause additional nerve damage to the anus and rectum. The nerves are no longer able to detect the presence of feces in the rectum, and leakage can occur.

Loss of Capacity

The rectum will normally stretch to accommodate the presence of stool. If scar tissue is present or if the walls of the rectum have stiffened from surgery, it is possible that the rectum will not be able to stretch as much as necessary causing feces to leak out. Also, an existing condition such as Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis may restrict the stretching capacity of the rectum.


Colorectal cancer can cause fecal incontinence when the cancer begins to enter the rectal walls. This will begin to damage the muscles and nerves in the rectum, making it less sensitive to the presence of feces.

Wife, Mother, Progressive Christian


by on May. 14, 2012 at 10:57 PM

I make mine wear clothes to bed unless its ridicuously hot. I am sorry, I just don't care for sweaty balls all over me when I am trying to sleep. Especially since I am 28 weeks preg. and already struggling to sleep. I would just simply tell him, you need to wear something because we are going through laundry soap too fast and our sheets are getting ruined.

by on May. 14, 2012 at 11:47 PM

He should see a doctor.

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