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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

**UPDATE** NEWLYWED IN DESPERATE NEED OF ADVICE

Posted by on May. 23, 2012 at 10:40 AM
  • 33 Replies

I met my husband when I was 14 and we started dating when I was 16. We have now been together for 9 years but only married 1 month. We have had our ups & downs as all couples do, but overall a pretty great relationship.

We have a son and I gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy. That caused me to lose my self confindence and I didn't want to have sex as often, maybe a few times a month.  In the last 6 months I have lost 45 lbs and obviously that caused me to feel better about my self and now we have sex almost daily...

OK...now I'll get to the point. A few weeks ago I picked up my husbands cell phone after he fell asleep to make sure he set his alarm. I saw a bunch of recently used apps that I didn't recognize. Turns out they are anonymous chat room apps for trading pictures and videos with other people. Like very, VERY sexual pictures and videos. 


At first I decided to let it go, but it was still in the back of my mind and driving me crazy. So against my better judgement I looked at his phone again last night. And oh boy, was I shocked. In the last day..yes 24hrs, he sent messages to 80 yes 80 different women. Telling them about fetishes he has, that in 9 years of being together he never told me about. And telling them that he's "married and horny". He's sending pictures and videos of himself masturbating!!!


I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! I feel like he's cheating on me, I feel like I'm not good enough. AM I OVERREACTING? Should I talk to him about it?! HELP ME! I'm so sad and distraught about all of this :(


**UPDATE**

OK so I asked my husband to come home from work early so I could talk to him, I just couldn't wait until 8pm. I confronted him about it and he immediately apologized over and over again. He said it was just "j*** off" material and nothing more. He also said that he wasn't trying to hide it from me, he was just embarrassed.He promised me he would delete the apps from his phone and never do it again.

I told him how it made me feel, that it felt like he was cheating and that it made me feel like I wasn't good enough. And he really couldn't apologize enough, saying that if the thought ever crossed his mind that it would make me feel this way or that i would feel he was cheating, he never would have done it. To him, he says it was just harmless fun and really never thought it would make me so upset. 


I don't know, we have never had any problems with trust or infidelity in the 9 years we've been together and 11yrs we've known eachother. I know deep down he really is a good man, and never purposely hurts people, even people that aren't really important to him. I think I believe him but it will definitely take some time for me to recover from this and trust him 100%.

Do you think I'm being naive and too quick to forgive?!

by on May. 23, 2012 at 10:40 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lookFwD
by on May. 23, 2012 at 10:45 AM
OMFG! That's bad.

Don't put up with that shit. Tell him to change his ways or leave. That's disrespectful in every way. If he wants to do that, tell him he can do it after you leave. I would go crazy if I ran into this.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you hunni.

Also, do u think it may have anything to do with what u said about u guys not having sex much long ago? If not, maybe the "seven year itch" came a few years late.

I'm sorry :(
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Mom22Ans
by on May. 23, 2012 at 10:46 AM

Not overreacting at all! Get rid of his ass if this doesn't stop! There isn't any excuse at all for that behavior!!

michellej428
by Bronze Member on May. 23, 2012 at 11:02 AM

It may have something to do with us not having much sex awhile ago, but it's just weird cause the last 4 or 5 months we've been having sex more often than ever, even when we first started dating. So why all this stuff now, ya know?


I'm just so lost right now :(

imspikesmom
by on May. 23, 2012 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

you have to talk to him. he has a sex life separate from you and if that makes you uncomfortable you need to tell him. to me any type of activity you hide from your partner bc they wouldnt like it is cheating. good luck!

LexRi0709
by on May. 23, 2012 at 11:05 AM
Talk to him. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable asking you to do some of the things he's interested in. Is there any of the fetishes something you would try? If so, bring it up to him and tell him its something you have been thinking about and want to try. After being together for 9 yrs, its understandable the sexual dynamic of the relationship has changed, and both of you want to change it up some.
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yourpassion
by Kristen on May. 23, 2012 at 11:06 AM
Regardless of issues you have in your marriage, that is his choice to do something like that. It's a bad choice!!!

At the very least he needs to be confronted about it, maybe counseling. Good luck, I'm sorry, and hang in there. Don't let him drag you down too if he makes a choice you don't want him to!


Quoting michellej428:

It may have something to do with us not having much sex awhile ago, but it's just weird cause the last 4 or 5 months we've been having sex more often than ever, even when we first started dating. So why all this stuff now, ya know?


I'm just so lost right now :(


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BeckyP.
by on May. 23, 2012 at 11:09 AM
Watching porn is one thing, chatting with people in real time and "exchanging" pics and videos is another. That's a whole different level and that doesn't have anything to do with not having enough sex with you. You need to confront him and figure it out. Sounds like he's an addict to me.
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BeingMom
by on May. 23, 2012 at 11:13 AM

I would confront him about it.  You can let this continue.  If you want this relationship to work, he has to be willing to focus on you, as a husband should.  you should be able to trust him, and know he isnt doing things like this.  Good luck to you in what ever decisions you make.

MerryT
by on May. 23, 2012 at 11:29 AM

The text chatting & pics with other women is over the boundary of common marriage sense, confront him directly with the possibility of separation.  No pay No contact porn on the other hand can be a release that helps prevent marriages from breaking up.  I have a friend that is sexless and does not want to have physical contact with her husband or anyone else.  She told him to find something safe "on the side" (they have 2 kids and sex will not be happening again-->from her hormone issues).  He didn't feel comfortable having an affair even if she allowed it; he is a reasonably christian person.  So he looks at porn on the internet.  They've made it work, but I think most guys would be having an affair with or without consent if the sex stopped.

boshs1andonly
by on May. 23, 2012 at 11:34 AM

No you are DEFINITELY NOT overreacting. It's unacceptable to be telling other women that he's married and horny wtf? You need to confront him and let him know that what he's doing is unacceptable and you will not tolerate him engaging in this behavior. There's just no excuse. he's spending way too much time and energy on other women that he should be spending on your family. 

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