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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Wives Should Not Talk About Their Marriage With Friends - Do you talk about your marriage with others?

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Wives Should Not Talk About Their Marriage With Friends

Posted by Sasha Brown-Worsham on May 24, 2012 

One of the best parts of marriage is that you become a team of two in your own fortress. If you are lucky, no one can ever understand your marriage or infiltrate its walls. You and your spouse have something unique and no one else should ever be let in on the intimacy you two share.

So why does it seem like so many are willing to talk about their marriage to friends?

When my husband and I married, I threw most "rules" out the window. We go to bed angry all the time, we don't always sit down to dinner, and we often dredge up the past when we argue. But one thing I won't do is talk to my friends about my husband.

Here's the problem: If you have an issue with your spouse -- say, for instance, he always wants to stay inside even on sunny days and his idea of spending quality time with the kids is parking them in front of ESPN -- and you tell a friend, she will always think of him as lazy and selfish. You may solve the problem, but your friend won't.

By telling a friend before you work it out with your spouse, you invite judgement and disdain and general dislike for your spouse.

Sure, if your husband is beating you or cheating, then by all means speak up and tell your friends. But I am not talking about these huge issues. I am talking more about the more subtle, insidious issues that creep up in marriage. Fighting about money or chores or keeping the house clean. These are private issues.

It's more that that, too. When you take a problem outside the marriage, you don't solve it. Sure, you vent and you chat with your friends, but you also rile each other up with no purpose. Does it solve the issue? Nope. And it makes your friend dislike your spouse. You lose in both ways.

If you have an issue in your marriage, you talk to your spouse or your therapist. If there is one friend you have who knows you both and can safely avoid sides, then maybe she or he can help you cultivate the best way to chat with your spouse, but generally speaking, what happens in a marriage really ought to stay private to that marriage.

Do you talk about your marriage with others?

by on May. 24, 2012 at 6:24 PM
Replies (41-48):
Greekmama21
by on May. 25, 2012 at 10:16 AM

No and for the reasons she mentioned. 

Kaybean
by Bronze Member on May. 25, 2012 at 10:18 AM
I have from time to time with my bff, but no one else. I pick and choose what I tell her though. She tells me EVERYTHING in her life though, so I know she won't be judgemental or hold a grudge against my DH. She's known him longer than I even have, and I know she has no problem with him or anything against him, even though she knows he isn't perfect.
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Mrs.TWilliam353
by on May. 25, 2012 at 1:27 PM

Great advice,

There have been numerous situations where couples will get into an argument and have problems within their marriage, and due to the frustration they go to either their families or friends about what's going on only tellling their side of the stories making the family and friends dislike their spouse and pass judgement.

And what's even worse, it's as if that's the goal they're trying to achieve because they want someone to agree with what they're saying. They want they're partners to look bad because they feel bad. 

But when the situation blows over and all is forgotten between them, the stench of their problems are embedded on the minds of their family and friends where a negative opinion has been formed about their spouse, and they no longer like them, and more problems arise.

There's added pressure to the marriage and to the husband and wife individually by those who've they negatively influenced about their spouse, because it's always that old " you're still with that jerk" or "I don't see why your still with that little tramp", along with the piercing stares and ugly looks that happens during family gatherings and important holidays where the family should be coming together and enjoying quality time with one another.

This is however very dangerous because after awhile in alot of marriages, the husband or wife starts to listen to their family second guessing their decisions to make their marriage work, forgetting that all the negativity is from an old memory that they have gotten over and moved past, that they've created from an old fight that they should've kept quiet about, or seeked professional help for. 

So yes, to all the husbands and wives out there, if you're not being abused, or if you know that you aren't leaving your partners when you  have those quarrels or arguments, keep it in the home and don't air your dirty laundry.

Goodluck

Dr. Jateace Williams

Psychologist

Serenity7
by Platinum Member on May. 25, 2012 at 1:31 PM

 I don't talk about my marriage to anyone. I am a private person

JessicaN27
by on May. 25, 2012 at 1:34 PM

I don't udnerstand why I wouldn't. I talk to my best friends about everything. Good and bad. I wouldn't tell them anything really private, but I can't see why I can't talk about my marriage with them.

dingysfamily
by on May. 25, 2012 at 1:47 PM

 I have to disagree to a point.  Sometimes, depending on who you talk to, you may get some really good advice that may very well help you solve a problem, no matter the size of it.  And often whether you solve it or not, it helps you feel better just to have someone you can talk to; it is a source of release for the resentment or anger at times.  You can talk to someone without telling all the intimate details.  And they don't always judge, nor do they always keep the bad thoughts if the  problem is solved.  That little posting is a bit judgemental I think.  I have 2 friends that I can go to and talk to and they to me.  One especially ... we have been friends for 29 years & I have been there for her through the ending of her first marriage & a couple of failed romances after & some problems in her current 2nd marriage.  I'm always honest with her & she knows I will be, sometimes telling her something she may not like ... but I'm here for her.  I've talked to her about my dh also, but I've been extremely lucky in this marriage to have no serious complaints .. & I met her b/c of this husband.  I don't think you should talk about your marriage with everyone, but I do think if you have someone you trust completely it can be a good and helpful thing.

ashleigh24
by on May. 25, 2012 at 1:54 PM
I use to and that was our big problem! I've learned my lesson and ever since a huge fight(we talked and figured out exactly our problems) I feel like I can talk to him about anything!!! I was trying to hold in my issues instead of telling him but also I was only 23. Now that I'm older I feel like wow what was I thinking. I'm 26 now as of yesterday :) My hubby and I have never been closer than we are right now!! I can truly say he is my best friend :)
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ashleigh24
by on May. 25, 2012 at 1:58 PM
This is true I do have one friend that I can tell anything and she never says anything and she will call me with her problems too sometimes. We never judge although I've never liked her hubby but as long as she is happy and he treats her good then I don't have any problems and I keep those feelings to myself. We can just vent to each other sometimes and it feels good. I don't tell intimate details though because that is between me and my hubby.

Quoting dingysfamily:

 I have to disagree to a point.  Sometimes, depending on who you talk to, you may get some really good advice that may very well help you solve a problem, no matter the size of it.  And often whether you solve it or not, it helps you feel better just to have someone you can talk to; it is a source of release for the resentment or anger at times.  You can talk to someone without telling all the intimate details.  And they don't always judge, nor do they always keep the bad thoughts if the  problem is solved.  That little posting is a bit judgemental I think.  I have 2 friends that I can go to and talk to and they to me.  One especially ... we have been friends for 29 years & I have been there for her through the ending of her first marriage & a couple of failed romances after & some problems in her current 2nd marriage.  I'm always honest with her & she knows I will be, sometimes telling her something she may not like ... but I'm here for her.  I've talked to her about my dh also, but I've been extremely lucky in this marriage to have no serious complaints .. & I met her b/c of this husband.  I don't think you should talk about your marriage with everyone, but I do think if you have someone you trust completely it can be a good and helpful thing.

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