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Feeling really threatened right now...old girl "friend" back in in the picture. How would you feel?

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I met my SO through a mutual friend, she had been friends with him since 6th grade, They never dated or anything like that. I had been friends with her only a few years. Well long story short, a couple years into our relationship, found out they had been flirting by text. She is with her longtime boyfriend, and claimed it was all my SO. My SO even had a picture on his phone of her that he took from her fb, when I asked why he said his friends at work saw her in a pic he showed them of me and her and wanted to see a better pic. Right. Well this was 3 years ago, we had a falling out, didn't speak for a year then we saw her at a party, her and I made up and became friends on fb. Another year goes by and her and SO still haven't talked to my knowledge. Yesterday out of the blue she friends him fb. Now I feel really insecure and afraid things are going to happen again. All was fine in the world until this. I know it seems petty but can't stand the fact that my SO might be flirting with her again. I asked him about it, he said its not a big deal they were friends forever, maybe she just got tired of bs. But idk, seems weird. Guess I will have to wait and see how they act. I am seriously feeling threatened though. Am I right to feel this way? How would you feel if it was your SO/DH?

by on Jun. 1, 2012 at 8:26 AM
Replies (11-20):
BonitaM
by Platinum Member on Jun. 1, 2012 at 10:47 AM

We swing so if there's a girl he's interested in he'll mention it.  I'm still on the fence about her (don't even know if she'd be into it either).  I trust him and know he wouldn't without my permission and he knows he doesn't have it yet.  I don't feel threatened by her at all anymore....I just needed him to reassure me and he did. 

Quoting LveMy2K1dS:

He admits he wants to sleep with her?! I would not be ok with that! 

Quoting BonitaM:

I would feel a little threatened and I'd talk to DH about it.  Actually, he has a female friend that he's known just as long as he's known me.  He admits that she's very attractive and he'd like to sleep with her.  I trust him and I know he won't. However, it did bother me a little that they were texting/calling each other every day.  He reassured me and I do trust him.  She's on his facebook now and I could care less.



Ivory_Mom1
by on Jun. 1, 2012 at 10:50 AM
1 mom liked this

I think that you need to trust your SO.  If you don't trust him not to do anything inappropriate, why are you with him?  While she shouldn't flirt with him, HE should not flirt with HER.  He is the one in a relationship with you, she isn't, friend or not.  I don't mean this in a mean way at all, but the WHOLE paragraph is about what SHE did and how you guys had a falling out and how SHE added him on Facebook - but he was the one who had to say yes for her to be added.

I don't want to tell you that you are wrong for how you feel, but I do think you are.  ONLY because you need to trust him.  And this is coming from someone who has always been insecure.  It has taken a lot for me not to see a threat around every corner.  It is destructive and really harms a relationship more than anything else.

And to a PP.... WHY do you think it is wrong to be friends with exes who you may or may not have slept with?  I've always been curious about this line of thinking.  If any man told me I couldn't be friends with ANY of my exes (which I am friends with MOST of them) then he wouldn't be my partner.  Not saying women are wrong to feel this way, but it is a prevalent line of thinking and it seriously dumbfounds me.

dani0007
by on Jun. 1, 2012 at 2:22 PM

You need to talk to him calmly and tell him your fears. Make sure you tell him that you want to trust but your not sure how. And that you are trying to affair proof your relationship. As long as he can just talk as friends on facebook dont worry but if it starts to be more than that like texting and phone calls (especially if you dont know about it) then warn him that it may ne an emotional affair that has a definate potential to be more than that. I would be upset like you dont discount your feelings but if you argue with him hes gonna clam up ... gotta approach him calmlt and like your trying to work it out in your head and need his help. Good luck!

MsTessie
by on Jun. 1, 2012 at 2:47 PM

 

Quoting Ivory_Mom1:

I think that you need to trust your SO.  If you don't trust him not to do anything inappropriate, why are you with him?  While she shouldn't flirt with him, HE should not flirt with HER.  He is the one in a relationship with you, she isn't, friend or not.  I don't mean this in a mean way at all, but the WHOLE paragraph is about what SHE did and how you guys had a falling out and how SHE added him on Facebook - but he was the one who had to say yes for her to be added.

I don't want to tell you that you are wrong for how you feel, but I do think you are.  ONLY because you need to trust him.  And this is coming from someone who has always been insecure.  It has taken a lot for me not to see a threat around every corner.  It is destructive and really harms a relationship more than anything else.

And to a PP.... WHY do you think it is wrong to be friends with exes who you may or may not have slept with?  I've always been curious about this line of thinking.  If any man told me I couldn't be friends with ANY of my exes (which I am friends with MOST of them) then he wouldn't be my partner.  Not saying women are wrong to feel this way, but it is a prevalent line of thinking and it seriously dumbfounds me.

 

dingysfamily
by on Jun. 1, 2012 at 5:22 PM

Exactly this ... and if you let him know you feel threatened, it could work in your disfavor by giving him the idea you don't trust him; which it seems you don't completely.  Unless you have something other than just being facebook 'friends' to give you cause, I'd let it go.   

Quoting Beautiful31mom:

I would not care, I do not feel threatened by anyone I trust my husband 100%, I know he will not cheat. 

 

And what happened in the past is just that in the past. 

 

Sunshine2plus2
by Bronze Member on Jun. 1, 2012 at 7:47 PM

 Even though I know my husband would never cheat I still would be very very jealous!

dawnbradley
by on Jun. 1, 2012 at 8:04 PM
Soooooo. My hubby' old High. School GF found him on FB. First it was family pictures exchanged. Then memory recalls of thei HS days......then texs and phone calls.....................then she sent him a love poem................and things got all dramatic. He closed down FB. But feels he should still be able to contact her w/o me being upset. So now we r in counseling. FB is a dangerous thing.
dawnbradley
by on Jun. 1, 2012 at 8:05 PM
Soooooo. My hubby' old High. School GF found him on FB. First it was family pictures exchanged. Then memory recalls of thei HS days......then texs and phone calls.....................then she sent him a love poem................and things got all dramatic. He closed down FB. But feels he should still be able to contact her w/o me being upset. So now we r in counseling. FB is a dangerous thing.
mommyof11050307
by Bronze Member on Jun. 1, 2012 at 8:13 PM
Why are you friends with her? I mean if they did it before I don't get why you'd allow her back into your guys life. I don't have a problem with my husband talk to his ex gfs from hs. I'm friends with one of them.
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IQuitCounting
by Bronze Member on Jun. 1, 2012 at 8:13 PM

I trust my man 100%  He's even still friends with his ex before me, and with other girls I know he was intimate with before we got together.  In fact his last relationship ended because his ex didn't trust him and was always accusing him of flirting when he was just being nice (he's a musician so he does a lot of hand shaking and baby holding, it's part of the lifestyle).  Anyway, my point is if you don't give him the benefit of the doubt you may create a situation that wasn't there to begin with.

If he hasn't given you a reason to doubt him (has he ever cheated?), don't.  If, god forbid, he should do something untoward, that's on him, not you, and no amount of worrying yourself sick about it now is going to help.  For your own piece of mind let it go unless he gives you a REAL reason to fret.

Besides, confidence in yourself and your position in his life is sexy as hell ;)

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