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MIL advice and venting--sorry so long but please read me

Posted by on Jun. 12, 2012 at 10:12 AM
  • 8 Replies

Okay, so my FIL passed away last January.  We knew it was coming and he really is in a better place, he suffered enough.  About a month ago my MIL moved in with us because my SIL is a horrible woman and kicked her out.  We spent over $2000 on my MIL and FIL in the last year to help them out.  Not regretting it, just feeling a little taken advantage of and here's why:

So she moved in a month ago.  I am 24 weeks pregnant, and my DH and I have a 3 year old, 20 month old, and our 13 year old step-son is living with us.  She moved in on a whim.  It was me putting together a moving truck, moving people, plane tickets, getting her room ready in our home in aobut 36 hours.  (We're not in the same state so the moving of her things were really tricky)  

Anyway, so she's here now and I'm starting to effing hate it.  This is her routine.  Wake up about 9 am, drink coffee and smoke about 3 to 4 cigarettes (I hate smoking).  Then she either sits around for about an hour (and I mean she sits on the couch and does nothing) or she goes back up stairs and what I like to call--hides.  Then she comes down and sits on the couch again or stands by the island and watches me or stares out the window.  THen she sees if I made enough lunch for her (sometimes when I cook lunch for the kids I have enough for her, sometimes not)  Then she might fold some clothes if I washed anything, or she might sweep but she doesn't moving anything (like the kids' table or the rug)  Then she takes a nap, then smokes more and more then waits for my DH to come home and I make supper and then she watches tv till midnight or later.  And smokes more (about a pack a day)  

The woman thinks she is way more sick than she really is.  She's 49!  She's fine.  We live in the country and she found a tick on her so now she thinks she has lyme disease.  I had to take her to the ER because she had a siezure and brokes some ribs (this part is not meant to be mean it is a real disease and we need to get it under control), they gave her high doses of pain pills and she still complained of hurting.  Im sure it hurt but you're drinking whiskey with your pills, don't complain to me-ya know.  

She just recieved disability $4800 for back pay and in July will recieve $600 a month.  She gave us $900 becuase (well, becuase I bitched so much that she did)  She has helped me out cooking 1 time--1 TIME!.   I cook supper for 6 people every damn night, help me out lady!  She can't drive so I have to take her everywhere, got it,  it's not that big of a deal but sometimes I just want to go with me and my kids.  She also recieves food stamps-$200 a month.  I think she could help contribute that to the family that she lives with and she does a little but what pissed my DH off is that he practices non-orthodox Judiasm (so I do to becuase it's easier to make food if we're all eating the same thing)  She bought a bunch of things that we can not eat-my DH told her he doesn't want it in the house.  I understand that she lives here too but come on, you can live without ham, shrimp, etc.  Plus I make the suppers so...

I've talked to her about all of this, my DH has talked to her about all of this and then we did it together once.  We told her to tell us how we can all make this better.  It's really horrible, we're not at each others throats, she just does NOTHING all day.  She told us she's going to go live in assisted living and the state is going to pay for it but I'm thinking not.  She would have to start doing something to actually get that far.  

Help me...what would you do....and no, she has no place to go.  

by on Jun. 12, 2012 at 10:12 AM
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by on Jun. 12, 2012 at 10:43 AM

Get her a dorm sized fridge to keep in her room. Maybe a small microwave?

I was actually feeling sorry for her when reading this, it sounds like her whole world has crumbled and she probably doesnt want to overstep her bounds by doing too much in another womans house. Standing around and looking out windows?? Hiding away in her room?? Sounds miserable to me! Lets face it...our kitchens are kinda personal to us. I personally dont want another woman cooking/ cleaning mine. I have my own system.

 Broken ribs are EXTREMELY painful and take quite some time to heal. Cant she smoke outside?? I wouldnt want the 2nd hand smoke around my l/o's. The money seems to be causing alot of resentment as well. Maybe you and dh could sit down and decide what amount she should be contributing every month to the household. This might make her feel better about being there as she is sort of paying for her part. Im sorry your hands are so full. Its never an easy mix to add another person to your family and home.

I sense a bit of "judging" from you about her smoking, drinking, and prescription medicine use. Did you know she smoked before she came? Its very difficult to stop. I sure hope you get some relief. I can understand why you are stressed about this.

by on Jun. 12, 2012 at 11:10 AM
I agree with pp. Also, perhaps you can put out a schedule for suppers. So like Wed and Friday, she can cook. I bet having something set to do could help her feel better. I get in ruts and making a schedule for myself really helps. Her husband just died and she's living in somebody else's house. I imagine shes got a lot of feeling floating all over the place. Try to come from a place of love with her. Make all smoking outside, but other than that, let it go. Perhaps have her have the food stamps go tears the house, but let her pick her favorite things she wants. as far as the shrimp..... I'd have a hard time with that. shes not making you or your family eat it so back off of that.
by on Jun. 12, 2012 at 11:19 AM
I understand your frustration completely.

I truthfully don't think if she was mentally OK she would be like this. She seems extremely depressed at this point. Try a few different things to get her up and moving again. I know she broke ribs but I'm not talking about making her do P90X.

First get her out the door to smoke. Her going outside to smoke will actually make her begin to feel better. Change the rule about smoking in the house.

Invite her into the kitchen to help make meals. Even if you just say can you come stir this while I do this? I don't want it to burn.

She needs to start doing everyday things again. It wont be easy but with the help from your husband and you she will start feeling normal again.

Truthfully so will you.
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by on Jun. 12, 2012 at 11:36 AM

thank you for your imput.  I thought too that her whole world came down on her but I just don't feel sorry for her anymore.  She complains all the time about not feeling well but then drinks soda and eats chocolate and poptarts and other crap.  She doesnt' go for walks and has not exercise at all.  

I agree with my personal space, we just bought our first home and feel like I can't enjoy it.  If she wants a fridge and a microwave in her room then she can buy it #1 but then if that happens she's never going to be downstairs.  I do know hard it is to quit, I used to be a smoker.  And one of the rules was that she quits before the baby comes, she has 3 months but she keeps saying "I don't know how I'm going to do this"  

do you think $300 a month is to much to ask for?  

it's just frustrating and not fair on my part that #1 I was looking forward to it more cause I thought it would be like my mom moving in (just the opposite) and I should not hold that against her  #2 I take her anywhere she wants to go but she doesn't take into consideration that I have a 3 year old and almost a 2 year old and I'm pregnant so just jumping in the car and going isn't how we do things and on top of that I'm big into my kids' schedule.  she got a taste of it last time my DS missed his nap (he's a crabby one w/o a nap) and then she got annoyed because he was crabby

urg--sorry for venting agian

by on Jun. 12, 2012 at 11:41 AM

the food thing and the smoking thing were things we talked about before she moved in.  I'm not budging on the smoking.  I have 2 kids and I'm going to have a newborn--she's not holding him and cuddling with him smelling like an ashtray--I'm not hurting my baby because of her habit.  

The food thing I tried-but it's a great tip so thank you.  Each time (and I mean each time) it was her turn or she said she was going to make supper she didn't or she wanted to start makeing supper at 6:30.

Also, she does nothing but criticizes other for what they are doing wrong.  My DH works 12 or more hours a day and is exhausted when he gets home and I can't count how many times she's said that he need to fix the chair or do this or that--leave the poor guy alone he works his ass off to support all of us

thanks for your advice, keep it coming! :)

by on Jun. 12, 2012 at 11:41 AM

Perhaps she is stuck in depression, is she seeing a councelor? Also, suggest her going out with friends, sometimes a little fun helps people.

by on Jun. 12, 2012 at 11:45 AM

this is what I don't get--she was so excited about coming here and seeing her grandchildren and I think she has played with them one time in the last month.  

She was drinking and smoking and taking the pills even before her husband passed.  

I feel horrible for her, please don't think I'm some cold hearted bitch but I also don't want her room smelling like an ashtray because of her smoking--I know--I'm big with the smoking issue.  

I guess I just hate it and feel cheated out of a marriage and a new home.  My office is now her room, and I feel like I added a 49 year old child to take care of, feed, clean up after, and listen to bitch.  

by on Jun. 12, 2012 at 11:48 AM

my DH and I just moved here from Hawaii so I don't know anyone yet so she doesnt' either, she won't garden, and how do I bring up counseling.  I dont' want her to think that I'm calling her depressed or something rude--then she wouldn't go for another month or so because she has no health insurance--no until it's approved with my husbands work

I really sound like I'm making excuses don't I  

but I think it's all legit, I just want her to offer to do more things

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