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Really need help/advice on what to do(it's long sorry)

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Ok. My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married for a year. I thought we had such a great relationship, we've been through so much together. We have a daughter who is 18 months old, and another one on the way, due on his birthday in July. He's such a great man, and I honestly love him with all I have. I just feel like he doesn't feel the same. I know he loves me, but I feel that it's not complete, this is why:

      Every few months since we began dating, his ex fiance kept emailing, facebooking or myspacing him. At first he would answer her, and I didn't say anything since my ex fiance was doing the same: just keeping in touch. I told him about it every single time, let him see what was said. And eventually my ex wanted me to leave and go back to him. I went off, and I haven't spoken to him since. That was about a year into our relationship, and I had just found out I was pregnant a month before. That situation ended, because I handled it. My husband never really put her in her place like I did. So it kept happening. It stopped for about 6 months, then she heard we were getting married and messaged him a few days before the wedding. He never answered her and it stopped all together(we got married may 2011). Right after our wedding, dh moved to long island for work, and I stayed and packed up the house for about a month till he could find a place for dd and I to move down into, he was staying with his mom. We moved down, and things were never better. I became a stay at home mom, and we were closer than ever before. We had a great time, and I fell even more in love with him and dd, and I never knew that it would be possible. But in sept of 2011, he started acting weird. As women we know when something is up. I just thought he was going through a funk, and work was getting to him because he was extremely busy with work. So I left it alone. Didn't say much about it, just asked him if everything was ok, and reassured him how much I love him and appreciate everything that he did, and that if wanted me to go back to work so he didn't have to work so hard, that I would. He said no, he loved our family more than anything, just was stressed with work. Then it got worse, he wasn't being mean or anything, just very distant. Coming home, and just laying around on the computer. For a week straight, he didn't even touch me. I knew something was up, so by the first few days of October I had enough. I hacked his email, and found the messages from her. I was so devastated. He was telling her things like "I can talk at 7 because she's gonna be giving the baby a bath, and wont be in to bed for an hour and a half" and "hurry, call my phone she's shopping with my mother, she will be back in a little bit." I was so furious. I didn't say much to him before we got married about him and her talking except that I didn't like it, and if he wanted her to go back to her, and he said she meant nothing. After reading that he woke up a few minutes later, and went and got a snack, and when he came back I asked him how long he's been talking to her. He said that I was just paranoid, and to go back to bed. I told him "I am only going to ask you one more time before I pack up my stuff, pack up the baby and leave, now tell me how long you've been talking to her" and he asked how I knew, I admitted to hacking his email and told him I saw the messages. He tried to turn it around on me and said that if I dont trust him then why are we together. It got pretty nasty. I caved and said that if it's so important for him to talk to her that he has to hide it then they can be friends, that I wasn't going to make him choose. And he told me he would never speak to her again, that he was just bragging about how good his life is and such. I didn't really believe him, but I let it go. I know he isn't talking to her, I check all phone records, and his email every day, I have all of his passwords, and he's seriously tried so hard to make it up, I can tell he's sincere. He told me every day for a month how sorry he was and that it would never happen again. So I know he's honest. I just can't let it go for some reason. I said things to her myself, and set it straight, and I honestly think she got the point. I need help on how to let it go. 

(ps.. this baby is a result of make up sex from this whole incident, and I think that is a big reason why I can't get over it)

Please don't tell me to leave him, I never will. He is genuine and honest, and I know for a fact he's not speaking to her, and he's completely committed to me and our family, and he's sorry for what happend. He's the best father in the whole world to our little girl, and he's so excited for our new baby, and making plans for our future. It's just honestly an issue with me letting it go.

Thanks in advance

by on Jun. 15, 2012 at 10:20 AM
Replies (11-12):
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 9:34 AM

I agree as well, Hopefully when we sit down and talk tonight we will be able to figure things out together. Thank you. I think that speaking to him about it will help the most. He's honestly a great man, and I can't picture this not working out, so I'm going to make sure we do everything we can to make it work. Thanks again

Quoting LadyBugMom09:

I agree with Crazy. He needs to get the the root of WHY he did what he did. If he doesn't it can happen again and even go further...not necessarily this this woman but with another. And you need to work on letting it go and moving on. GL

by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 10:06 AM

I understand the reason WHY you hacked his account. But didnt YOU breech relationship trust then as well? If he said he wont contact her anymore but you insist on a new phone number and email account ( while still checking on him in the mean time).... arent you kind of saying that he isnt big enough or strong enough to do it on his own? If I were him, these things would be a clear sign of mistrust and over time I would come to resent it. And lets face todays age..if he wanted to stay in contact even with a different phone number or email, it WOULDNT be hard at all. A new email account at work or a pay as you go phone. It shouldnt be your job to keep a hawks eye on this man, in fact it does nothing but damage what you are trying to rebuild. You should never want him to feel like you are his Momma and he might get punished. Who needs that in a marriage?

Of course I didnt read all of thier conversations the way you did but, to me based on what he told you, I would say SHE initiated this. HE didnt stop it, maybe he was just feeling lonely or vulnerable or overwhelmed. It sounds like she appealed to his heroic side by making him her "go to" guy when it came to not being treated right in her own relationship. He might have felt he was helping her in some way. But even with all that said, it sounds like he is totally in love with YOU. And its obvious you love him. I say this can WORK. For me this wouldnt be an issue in the future, I guess you just need to decide this: Is holding onto the hurt from this more important than your happiness?? More important than your childrens happiness? I doubt it. If you really cant get past this, I would suggest counseling for you both. I wish you all the best and look forward to the day when you post "IT'S OUR 40th ANNIVERSARY"

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