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Really need help/advice on what to do(it's long sorry)

Posted by on Jun. 15, 2012 at 10:20 AM
  • 12 Replies

Ok. My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married for a year. I thought we had such a great relationship, we've been through so much together. We have a daughter who is 18 months old, and another one on the way, due on his birthday in July. He's such a great man, and I honestly love him with all I have. I just feel like he doesn't feel the same. I know he loves me, but I feel that it's not complete, this is why:

      Every few months since we began dating, his ex fiance kept emailing, facebooking or myspacing him. At first he would answer her, and I didn't say anything since my ex fiance was doing the same: just keeping in touch. I told him about it every single time, let him see what was said. And eventually my ex wanted me to leave and go back to him. I went off, and I haven't spoken to him since. That was about a year into our relationship, and I had just found out I was pregnant a month before. That situation ended, because I handled it. My husband never really put her in her place like I did. So it kept happening. It stopped for about 6 months, then she heard we were getting married and messaged him a few days before the wedding. He never answered her and it stopped all together(we got married may 2011). Right after our wedding, dh moved to long island for work, and I stayed and packed up the house for about a month till he could find a place for dd and I to move down into, he was staying with his mom. We moved down, and things were never better. I became a stay at home mom, and we were closer than ever before. We had a great time, and I fell even more in love with him and dd, and I never knew that it would be possible. But in sept of 2011, he started acting weird. As women we know when something is up. I just thought he was going through a funk, and work was getting to him because he was extremely busy with work. So I left it alone. Didn't say much about it, just asked him if everything was ok, and reassured him how much I love him and appreciate everything that he did, and that if wanted me to go back to work so he didn't have to work so hard, that I would. He said no, he loved our family more than anything, just was stressed with work. Then it got worse, he wasn't being mean or anything, just very distant. Coming home, and just laying around on the computer. For a week straight, he didn't even touch me. I knew something was up, so by the first few days of October I had enough. I hacked his email, and found the messages from her. I was so devastated. He was telling her things like "I can talk at 7 because she's gonna be giving the baby a bath, and wont be in to bed for an hour and a half" and "hurry, call my phone she's shopping with my mother, she will be back in a little bit." I was so furious. I didn't say much to him before we got married about him and her talking except that I didn't like it, and if he wanted her to go back to her, and he said she meant nothing. After reading that he woke up a few minutes later, and went and got a snack, and when he came back I asked him how long he's been talking to her. He said that I was just paranoid, and to go back to bed. I told him "I am only going to ask you one more time before I pack up my stuff, pack up the baby and leave, now tell me how long you've been talking to her" and he asked how I knew, I admitted to hacking his email and told him I saw the messages. He tried to turn it around on me and said that if I dont trust him then why are we together. It got pretty nasty. I caved and said that if it's so important for him to talk to her that he has to hide it then they can be friends, that I wasn't going to make him choose. And he told me he would never speak to her again, that he was just bragging about how good his life is and such. I didn't really believe him, but I let it go. I know he isn't talking to her, I check all phone records, and his email every day, I have all of his passwords, and he's seriously tried so hard to make it up, I can tell he's sincere. He told me every day for a month how sorry he was and that it would never happen again. So I know he's honest. I just can't let it go for some reason. I said things to her myself, and set it straight, and I honestly think she got the point. I need help on how to let it go. 


(ps.. this baby is a result of make up sex from this whole incident, and I think that is a big reason why I can't get over it)


Please don't tell me to leave him, I never will. He is genuine and honest, and I know for a fact he's not speaking to her, and he's completely committed to me and our family, and he's sorry for what happend. He's the best father in the whole world to our little girl, and he's so excited for our new baby, and making plans for our future. It's just honestly an issue with me letting it go.


Thanks in advance

by on Jun. 15, 2012 at 10:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
CrazyLife1996
by on Jun. 15, 2012 at 11:47 AM
2 moms liked this
Hun he was at the very least having an emotional affair. He hid her from you. He betrayed you and the trust you had went out the window.

It takes time even when he is doing everything right. Have you sat down and really talked about this? Does he realize what was or is missing for him to behave this way? Figuring this out makes all the difference in repairing the trust.

This process can be extremely painful especially for you because it is something he felt he was missing from you. BUT knowing will open up that door to make sure he never feels that way again.

It goes both ways anything you are missing that you need from him also needs to be laid out for him to fix it as well.

Also look into this book or the entire program by Mort Fertel "Marriage Fitness ".

He shows you how to rebuild and reconnect in a positive way so you can move forward and regain the trust lost.

There is no time limit on how long it takes to heal. He just has to be patient and reassuring until you can feel secure again.
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OkieMom2673
by Member on Jun. 15, 2012 at 12:26 PM
It will take time. Try the love dare too!
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amandalea0526
by on Jun. 15, 2012 at 2:18 PM

It is hard to talk to him about it. He gets really upset if I try to. I've asked him how I can be a better wife, and he just tells me that it wasn't anything that I did. He had a "moment of weakness" and that made him talk to her. Supposedly she was crying to him saying how her husband beats her and is getting sent to jail and she wanted him to help her. But this is the guy that she left my husband for. I brought it up a few weeks ago and all he said is "if you can't get past this, then what are we doing" That really upset me, but he apologized and said he didn't mean it to come out that way, just that he thought we were past it. I will look into gettting that book. I think I need it. Thanks.

Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Hun he was at the very least having an emotional affair. He hid her from you. He betrayed you and the trust you had went out the window.

It takes time even when he is doing everything right. Have you sat down and really talked about this? Does he realize what was or is missing for him to behave this way? Figuring this out makes all the difference in repairing the trust.

This process can be extremely painful especially for you because it is something he felt he was missing from you. BUT knowing will open up that door to make sure he never feels that way again.

It goes both ways anything you are missing that you need from him also needs to be laid out for him to fix it as well.

Also look into this book or the entire program by Mort Fertel "Marriage Fitness ".

He shows you how to rebuild and reconnect in a positive way so you can move forward and regain the trust lost.

There is no time limit on how long it takes to heal. He just has to be patient and reassuring until you can feel secure again.


CrazyLife1996
by on Jun. 15, 2012 at 2:32 PM
Get the book it will work wonders. He needs to realize he can't just ignore it because he is leaving that door open.

I speak from personal experience. If it is ignored it could happen again.


Quoting amandalea0526:

It is hard to talk to him about it. He gets really upset if I try to. I've asked him how I can be a better wife, and he just tells me that it wasn't anything that I did. He had a "moment of weakness" and that made him talk to her. Supposedly she was crying to him saying how her husband beats her and is getting sent to jail and she wanted him to help her. But this is the guy that she left my husband for. I brought it up a few weeks ago and all he said is "if you can't get past this, then what are we doing" That really upset me, but he apologized and said he didn't mean it to come out that way, just that he thought we were past it. I will look into gettting that book. I think I need it. Thanks.


Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Hun he was at the very least having an emotional affair. He hid her from you. He betrayed you and the trust you had went out the window.

It takes time even when he is doing everything right. Have you sat down and really talked about this? Does he realize what was or is missing for him to behave this way? Figuring this out makes all the difference in repairing the trust.

This process can be extremely painful especially for you because it is something he felt he was missing from you. BUT knowing will open up that door to make sure he never feels that way again.

It goes both ways anything you are missing that you need from him also needs to be laid out for him to fix it as well.

Also look into this book or the entire program by Mort Fertel "Marriage Fitness ".

He shows you how to rebuild and reconnect in a positive way so you can move forward and regain the trust lost.

There is no time limit on how long it takes to heal. He just has to be patient and reassuring until you can feel secure again.



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biancalina20
by Bianca Lina on Jun. 15, 2012 at 2:33 PM
Things will take time. He betrayed you. You can try counseling .... or thr love dare. Try doing thinvs with him. Remember all of thr good things.
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LadyBugMom09
by Bronze Member on Jun. 15, 2012 at 2:41 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree with Crazy. He needs to get the the root of WHY he did what he did. If he doesn't it can happen again and even go further...not necessarily this this woman but with another. And you need to work on letting it go and moving on. GL
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lillybug222
by Silver Member on Jun. 15, 2012 at 3:23 PM
1 mom liked this
Like you, I believe in doing everything to make a marriage work. I would never suggest you leave your husband.

My husband left me last year. I was completely devastated. It was out of the blue & not expected AT ALL. Things had been tense for a while & he had just lost his job, but things were starting to look up when he left. My DH was just not himself.

When he went for his oncologist appointment, he agreed to let me go with him. He was diagnosed with Grave's disease. It changed him.

We've worked things out, but I sometimes still dwell on the past. The important thing for me to remember is that I've forgiven him. Yes, at times, it still hurts, but he is a good man & I love him. Forgiving someone is a choice. I choose to forgive him over and over again when I start thinking about all the hurt I went through.
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ShannaBee
by Platinum Member on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:41 AM
1 mom liked this

If you chose to stay with him, then you are going to have to let it go or it will destroy your relationship. You check his stuff daily and there is no proof of anything. If it makes you feel better, get him a new phone number and email address and block her from any social media.

amandalea0526
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 9:28 AM

We did change his number yesterday, I spoke with him about it, and I told him that it was bothering me that she had his number because we didn't change it, and he called up right away and changed his number. I haven't thought about the social media thing, thanks for that. He is honestly being great about the whole thing. He told me yesterday that he just wants for us to get past this because he wants us to be together forever, and not have this hanging over our heads. I told him that it still bothers me more than it should and he agreed to sit down and talk to me tonight because he can see that I really need it. He's been extremely busy with our move and his new job, so we haven't had much time to discuss this. But Thank You so much for your feedback. I am trying. It's nice to know that I have people to talk to about things like this when I need to. My friends just wouldn't understand, none of them are married or have kids. thanks a million. =]

Quoting ShannaBee:

If you chose to stay with him, then you are going to have to let it go or it will destroy your relationship. You check his stuff daily and there is no proof of anything. If it makes you feel better, get him a new phone number and email address and block her from any social media.


amandalea0526
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 9:31 AM

We took those vows for a reason!!! =] I'm sorry that all of that happend with you. I am glad you are back with him. I know that it's so extremely hard to not think about the past, and it can be very distrubing if it keeps happening. Thank you for your response, and I hope that things continue to work in the direction of a better marriage for you and your husband. I hope that your husband does well, my husband's grandmother, and uncle both have Grave's disease. GL to you. 

Quoting lillybug222:

Like you, I believe in doing everything to make a marriage work. I would never suggest you leave your husband.

My husband left me last year. I was completely devastated. It was out of the blue & not expected AT ALL. Things had been tense for a while & he had just lost his job, but things were starting to look up when he left. My DH was just not himself.

When he went for his oncologist appointment, he agreed to let me go with him. He was diagnosed with Grave's disease. It changed him.

We've worked things out, but I sometimes still dwell on the past. The important thing for me to remember is that I've forgiven him. Yes, at times, it still hurts, but he is a good man & I love him. Forgiving someone is a choice. I choose to forgive him over and over again when I start thinking about all the hurt I went through.


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