How do I trust him after this? How can I ever trust him again? *EDITED/UPDATED*
Ok first a hearfelt thank you to all who didn't bash me and tell me it's my fault or I'm controlling etc., part of the reason I believe this will work out is I know there are others who understand and it worked out for them. I've thought alot and searched my heart and soul and we've talked and cried a lot and I've found understanding and forgiveness in my heart. Like I said before I'd already decided to forgive and give another chance I just didn't know how to do it, now I think I do. It's not going to heal over night and trust is going to take time but it will work, I love him more than anything and, although this made me doubt for a moment, I believe he does me. And we both love our beautiful baby. He's working on earning my trust back (no secrets) and I'm working on moving on and letting this go. There's still issues but we're content to take it slow, he's so happy I'm willing to forgive him and his joy has reminded me how much I love to see him happy (we've both been so sad for days) and just how very dear to my heart my beautiful man is. Thank you so much, all of you even those I disagreed with did your part believe it or not, I showed all of this to him (no secrets) and he got very angry on my behalf against all those who bashed me which just made me think "oh God he loves me":) so you see no matter the intention everyone helped. Thank you!
Ok I'm not looking for opinions on whether or not what he did was right or wrong, I already know that in this area I'm in a major minority. So I have a lot of self image issues (what women doesn't) and dh knows this, he knows me better than anyone. When we first started dating I told him straight up that honesty was the most important thing to me and that I'll never lie in a relationship, I can reserve the right to not tell you things because I barely know you but I will never lie, lies always come out sooner or later and only destroy the relationship. So we dated and I fell patheticaly in love, I was a choice virgin and so in that way he's the only man I've ever been with, and the only one I could ever want. We've been together for two and a half years and have a beautiflu nine month son. For two and a half years I have cried over my body and every naked woman he ever saw; on tv, in porn, in a strip club or anywhere else, before me. I say before me because when we got together he quit porn and even stopped looking at forwards he got on his phone because he knew how much it hurt me. We developed a sort of thing where I would see a beautiful woman (tv, in the store wherever) and I would look at him to see if he was checking her out, somehow he always knew what I was thinking and he would look me in the eye and say "Only you" with a loving smile. As far as I was concerned I had found something I had long believed did'nt exsist, a good man! Not to say our life has been all perfect, we've had our share of troubles and arguments but I never doubted his love for or attraction to me or his honesty! Until now. Just a couple of days ago I borrowed his phone to look up an order number for something I had got for him for fathers day (I had accidentally left my phone in the car) and so when I clicked the internet icon, you know so I could get to my yahoo acount, it showed other recently gone to websites and there were two porn sites! When he first got a phone that could go on the internet I told him how nervous it made me because I knew that that's where he used to go for porn and he promised me he would "never ever do that" to me, he swore that he loved me so much and would never risk losing me on something so stupid! And he has been promising this to me for two years, everytime he got on his phone and in the back of my mind I would worry and he'd see my facial expresion and look me in the eye and say "only you." :'(! I cried for three days, lost all sense of hunger, and had three panic attacks (at least my mom said that's what was happening to me when I told her how I couldn't breathe for some reason no matter how hard I tried) and I have asked him over and over why. He's cried too and swore how sorry he is, begged me not to leave him. He says it was just once when he was at work and tried (at my request) to explain it to me., something about being stressed idk. And now he's swearing it will never happen again, but how can I believe anything he says when he already promised me on almost a weekly basis that he would "never ever ever' do that to me. I know most people think porn is all peachy and that's fine that's your choice and not the point, the point is that he knew what I've been through and what that would do to me and did it anyway. The point is that he broke a promise that he has made on a weekly basis in the span of five minutes at his job. The point is that I didn't even find out until three days later, which means for three days he looked me in the eye and told me he loved me and found me attractive and would never ever look at or want anyone else! The point is that me and our life meant so little that he could throw it away on five minutes of naked pictures! I have spent four days crying and trying to decide what to do (suicide was a serious consideration, my whole world has been built around him) and I've decided I want to forgive him and give him a second chance, but I don't know how :'( I can't bear for him to touch me, everytime he tries I get flashes in my head of him looking at them, wanting them, finding them hot, after he swore only me! I don't know what to do, I can't believe how broken and dead inside I feel, I can still barely eat (normally I'm such a fat ass) and everytime I think I'm pulling together it all goes through my head and I'm back to lying on the floor wailing in agony. If anyone has any ideas on how I can get through this, learn to trust him again and put my family back together please tell me, I'm so so heartbroken:'(! I just keep thinking "he lied, he lied, everything is a lie."