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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Should I send her a message? *EDIT*

Posted by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:09 AM
  • 84 Replies

I am going to make this as short as possible because the whole story is VERY long.

ANYWAY... It came out in august that I had an "emotional affair" and of course to led to big fighting for MONTHS.  Just to clarify I did not text this person, I did not call this person, I barely left a comment on his facebook, and we really didn't even talk that much in person (we worked together, but he was seasonal and only worked in the Summer) I did however express my feelings for him to other co workers and a couple friends. I had fantasies of cheating on my husband and leaving him and being with this guy.  I told my friend about how I had feelings for this guy and that I wouldn't even leave my husband for him because he is a few years younger than me and in college and not close either so I know it wouldn't work and plus I have two kids and I wouldn't put that on him.  I felt that my marriage was failing because we barely did anything alone or even with the kids and we just didn't talk that much or kiss/hug not itimacy.  We talked about it and things startedto get better until this thing came out.  This 16 year old from work started texting me A LOT and we got into some personal stuff so I deleted my texts because I figured he would get mad at me for talking about us with her. 

-Something to add... when we first started dating he was very controlling and jealous... we fought constantly about me "checking" other guys out and working with guys talking to guys in school and stuff, but we got past that, but it was always still in the back of my mind-

Anyway he got suspicious that we talked so much because apparently one night laying in bed I turned my phone away from him... ANYWAY we got into a fight because he found out I was deleting messages and I finally told him we talked about sex and stuff and he was upset becasue we never talk about sex.  Skip ahead and somehow us trying to talk about sex led to me confessing to this emotional affair.  Now things were baaaddddd, but they started to get better and he started to be more intimate and buy me flowers and hug and kiss me and we started having a lot more sex.

While this is all going down he starts chatting with girls like to try and make things even and he would say he is going to cheat on me.  He started talking to this girl A who had relationship problems then told me if I need worry about someone it's her.  There was another girl who was his ex back in middle school that he started talking to and out of the blue she sent him a picture of her boobs in a bra, but still he showed me and then showed me a pic of him without his shirt off that he was going to send her.  They talked a lot and he told me about how her fiance found out and she had to change her # and everything.  Of course I was mad but what could I do this was all MY fault I drove him to do this.  So forget about these girls even though I know he still talks to the one girl A...  He went to hid friends 30th surprise party and apparently met a girl there (I did not find this out till much later) then hit it off and I guess became friends.  Now my husband is a very likable guy he makes friends easily (I DO NOT) so yeah... 

Anyway things start to go down hill and all the things we were doing a lot more slowly came to a hault now that I think about it probably around the time he met this girl.  Anyway he started acting a little strange to me... he started texting a lot more and would go outside in the truck and talk on the phone for hours late at night.  He had done it before a couple times, but it was a lot. So of course my mind started to race because I am a thinker I think about everything and sometimes I get obsessed with a thought.  One day I was talking to him while he was sitting and noticed he was talking to a person named "kangaroo" RED FLAGS why would he call someone that and went to the trouble to put a picture of a kangaroo as their picture? He just seemed sneaky to me and sometimes I would ask him who he was talking to and he would say "your mom" obviosuly because he didn't want me to know who he was talking to.  I had also noticed he started taking a lot of pictures of himself and once I saw he sent a picture of one of our sons to this KANGAROO and yes it pissed me off. ANYWAY he went to a bacholer party in atlantic city and didn't come home until 4 am and I hardly slept because my mind was racing. I couldn't take it anymoe and I looked at his phone, I have NEVER done that before and I was trying my hardest not too. I read the texts and felt sick to my stomach... The way they talked to each other was disgusting to me.  At this time I didn't know who it was but it was obvious she was friends with the birthday party guy and his wife.  She was saying how she didn't think she could get through these past few months without him and they were talking about her boobs and this was all late at night when he was at this bacholer party and he was bored at the strip club and he told her to come pick him up (she didn't) and just other things I cant remember, but they were flirty.  Then I looked at his pictures and noticed he had saved a picture of her, I just knew it was her..  I found out who it was by typing her # into facebook and she had the mutual friends with the birthday party guy and his wife, but not my husband and I had remembered that she was his friend before.  SO then I thought why isn't he her friend does he not want me to know about her? 

I finally brought it up to him about this girl and he said they are just friends and he met her at the party and her boyfriend had cheated on her so they had a lot to talk about.  He said she is one of the only people that thinks we should stay together.  STILL it pisses me off that he talks to her like that and at this time I am getting practically NOTHING from him.  He does not flirt with me or anything like that and whenever I try to touch him he usually pushes me away.  He says that is just how he is and that if he flirts with someone that means he doesn't want to be with them.  So because I hardly get attention from him I should feel loved??? 

So I am sure he told this girl of how I felt and she friend requested me on facebook a couple weeks ago and I accepted her even though I have never met her before and I don't like to add people I don't actually know.  Last night I noticed he was texting her again and those feelings started coming back like what are they talking about and I know if I asked he wouldn't tell me.  He now locks his phone so I can't see anything and he was the one that said I have nothing to hide, yet he locks his phone.  I am really at a loss here because I love him so much, but I feel like he is going more wrong then I did.  I wasn't sending pictures to anyone nor was a recieving... I was not talking to people the way he is... so I was feeling like maybe I should message this girl and see what her intentions are and how she feels about talking to MY husband.  Or i thought I'll just message her and become "friends" with her.  She friend requested me and she has only "liked" one of my pictures. This whole thing is eating me alive... I feel like I am the last person on his list of people and I should be #1 and it's not like we haven't talked about it because we have and this is how things are.  I know this is really long and there are other details, but this thing with this girl is driving me nuts.  He says he would never cheat on me and I have to except that he would leave first.  I just don't know what to do.....

*EDIT* 

I just wanted to add that I don't want to make me sound too much like a victim because I had my share of lying to him... I mean a lot of it was little shit and sometimes I didn't even know the truth... like this is one thing I remember when my son was 1.5 he got our $400 camera off the counter and when I went to take it from him he threw it and messed up the zoom a little and when my husband asked about it I said I didn't know.  Yeah I should have just told him, but I didn't want him getting mad at me.  Another thing when this first happened he asked me if I masterbated thinking about other people and I told him I did not which if fact I did (not everytime) but the big one was because I had thought about that GUY before so that was a big one.  And just other things that just come out as a lie before I really think about it... it really is all a big mess and like I said before it had gotten better than all of a sudden it went down hill again.  He says it's going to take time maybe even years for things to go back to normal, but what is normal? I don't even know because normal wasn't him talking to other girls so much and yeah I know he has "girl" friends, but it wasn't like this. 

by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:09 AM
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Replies (1-10):
llheet8586
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:23 AM

BUMP!

disnchntdwife
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:31 AM
6 moms liked this

Wow. There seems to be alot of getting back at one another and im sorry to say that the majority of your post makes it sound like you 2 operate on a very immature level when it comes to your relationship. It sounds like there are WAY too many secrets for this to be healthy. Would he be ok with you talking for hours on the phone to some dude? Why are there so many other people in your guys relationship?? You should only have 2...you and him. You openly stated that you seriously considered cheating on him ...it sounds like things werent ok even before kangaroo. I think you 2 need to learn to communicate or this isnt going to work. I wish you all the best and Im sorry that you are going thru this. HUGS

3xangel
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:34 AM
10 moms liked this
I skimmed through this mess and I believe you two need to get into marriage counseling RIGHT NOW! Change your phone numbers, delete the fb pages, and set up an appointment for some serious couch time. You two are so ridiculously immature and your story sounds more like a High school relationship than a marriage. Both of you need to cut all contact with the opposite sex and focus on rebuilding the marriage or get a divorce. Find a good marriage counselor, work on the character flaws within yourselves, work on the flaws in the marriage, work on your couples communication skills, work on affair proofing your marriage, and start reading/doing the love dare book and the five love languages book.
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Mylady0923
by Member on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:36 AM

How old are you? I am sorry but you "husband" is acting childish. You had enough respect for him to stop what you were doing. He has lied to your face repeatedly and he obviously doesn't care for your feelings.

llheet8586
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:41 AM


Quoting disnchntdwife:

Wow. There seems to be alot of getting back at one another and im sorry to say that the majority of your post makes it sound like you 2 operate on a very immature level when it comes to your relationship. It sounds like there are WAY too many secrets for this to be healthy. Would he be ok with you talking for hours on the phone to some dude? Why are there so many other people in your guys relationship?? You should only have 2...you and him. You openly stated that you seriously considered cheating on him ...it sounds like things werent ok even before kangaroo. I think you 2 need to learn to communicate or this isnt going to work. I wish you all the best and Im sorry that you are going thru this. HUGS


Just to clarify I didn't really consider cheating on him... I know I would never have done it, but I had fantasies in my head.  If I was ever in the position I feel strongly that I would not do anything.  Also I was not trying to get back at him for anything... that was just how I was feeling.  He on the other hand was saying that he felt he needed to make things even by actually having SEX with someone else.  Things were not okay before her, but then got a lot better and only got worse AFTER her.  I knowe we need to communicate better I have said this to him and told him I want to go to counceling, but he doesn't want to and doesn't want ot pay for it.  I try to talk to him, but he doesn't open up.  If things with this girl were not that serious he should be able to tell me when he is talking to her if I ask (which he did once after he said "your mom" and then I said why can't you just tell me?).  We have been through A LOT in the 8 years we have been together... and this is a tie to the hardest thing.  I just feel lost sometimes.

llheet8586
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:42 AM


Quoting Mylady0923:

How old are you? I am sorry but you "husband" is acting childish. You had enough respect for him to stop what you were doing. He has lied to your face repeatedly and he obviously doesn't care for your feelings.


I'm 25 and he is 27... we have been together since I was 17... he is my one and only. 

llheet8586
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:43 AM


Quoting 3xangel:

I skimmed through this mess and I believe you two need to get into marriage counseling RIGHT NOW! Change your phone numbers, delete the fb pages, and set up an appointment for some serious couch time. You two are so ridiculously immature and your story sounds more like a High school relationship than a marriage. Both of you need to cut all contact with the opposite sex and focus on rebuilding the marriage or get a divorce. Find a good marriage counselor, work on the character flaws within yourselves, work on the flaws in the marriage, work on your couples communication skills, work on affair proofing your marriage, and start reading/doing the love dare book and the five love languages book.

We would probably divorce before doing all that because I KNOW he won't do any of it.

disnchntdwife
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:50 AM
Quoting llheet8586:

 

Quoting disnchntdwife:

Wow. There seems to be alot of getting back at one another and im sorry to say that the majority of your post makes it sound like you 2 operate on a very immature level when it comes to your relationship. It sounds like there are WAY too many secrets for this to be healthy. Would he be ok with you talking for hours on the phone to some dude? Why are there so many other people in your guys relationship?? You should only have 2...you and him. You openly stated that you seriously considered cheating on him ...it sounds like things werent ok even before kangaroo. I think you 2 need to learn to communicate or this isnt going to work. I wish you all the best and Im sorry that you are going thru this. HUGS


Just to clarify I didn't really consider cheating on him... I know I would never have done it, but I had fantasies in my head.  If I was ever in the position I feel strongly that I would not do anything.  Also I was not trying to get back at him for anything... that was just how I was feeling.  He on the other hand was saying that he felt he needed to make things even by actually having SEX with someone else.  Things were not okay before her, but then got a lot better and only got worse AFTER her.  I knowe we need to communicate better I have said this to him and told him I want to go to counceling, but he doesn't want to and doesn't want ot pay for it.  I try to talk to him, but he doesn't open up.  If things with this girl were not that serious he should be able to tell me when he is talking to her if I ask (which he did once after he said "your mom" and then I said why can't you just tell me?).  We have been through A LOT in the 8 years we have been together... and this is a tie to the hardest thing.  I just feel lost sometimes.

I understand what you are saying...but please read your own words..He felt that he NEEDED to get even by sleeping with another woman??? Thats 10 kinds of wrong and I would have put my foot down right there. How do 2 wrongs EVER make a right? I think he sounds very childish. They have a sliding scale at many couseling places according to your income. No person should ever be denied help based on thier income. Im shocked you say you 2 have been together for 8 years because the things you are describing sound like a high school romance. A person can only treat us how we allow them. If you demand more for yourself, not only will you treat others better but you wont allow someone to walk all over your heart. Forgive yourself first for your emotional affair and go from there. I really do hope you can get past this and be happy! HUGS

sheltons06
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:53 AM

Why are you still with this person? He sounds like a POS that doesn't have any respect for you or your relationship. if you made a mistake in the past, then so be it. But 2 wrongs don't make a right. You need to get out of that relationship.

llheet8586
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:56 AM


Quoting disnchntdwife:

Quoting llheet8586:

 

Quoting disnchntdwife:

Wow. There seems to be alot of getting back at one another and im sorry to say that the majority of your post makes it sound like you 2 operate on a very immature level when it comes to your relationship. It sounds like there are WAY too many secrets for this to be healthy. Would he be ok with you talking for hours on the phone to some dude? Why are there so many other people in your guys relationship?? You should only have 2...you and him. You openly stated that you seriously considered cheating on him ...it sounds like things werent ok even before kangaroo. I think you 2 need to learn to communicate or this isnt going to work. I wish you all the best and Im sorry that you are going thru this. HUGS


Just to clarify I didn't really consider cheating on him... I know I would never have done it, but I had fantasies in my head.  If I was ever in the position I feel strongly that I would not do anything.  Also I was not trying to get back at him for anything... that was just how I was feeling.  He on the other hand was saying that he felt he needed to make things even by actually having SEX with someone else.  Things were not okay before her, but then got a lot better and only got worse AFTER her.  I knowe we need to communicate better I have said this to him and told him I want to go to counceling, but he doesn't want to and doesn't want ot pay for it.  I try to talk to him, but he doesn't open up.  If things with this girl were not that serious he should be able to tell me when he is talking to her if I ask (which he did once after he said "your mom" and then I said why can't you just tell me?).  We have been through A LOT in the 8 years we have been together... and this is a tie to the hardest thing.  I just feel lost sometimes.

I understand what you are saying...but please read your own words..He felt that he NEEDED to get even by sleeping with another woman??? Thats 10 kinds of wrong and I would have put my foot down right there. How do 2 wrongs EVER make a right? I think he sounds very childish. They have a sliding scale at many couseling places according to your income. No person should ever be denied help based on thier income. Im shocked you say you 2 have been together for 8 years because the things you are describing sound like a high school romance. A person can only treat us how we allow them. If you demand more for yourself, not only will you treat others better but you wont allow someone to walk all over your heart. Forgive yourself first for your emotional affair and go from there. I really do hope you can get past this and be happy! HUGS

I'm bawling my eyes out right now because I know you are right... I mean now he says he would never cheat on me, but the first thing he does when we have a fight about this is bring up cheating.  Like memorial day weekend things went down and I went to my moms for the weekend which is an hour and a half away and we only have one vehicle.  He said he was going to have girls over... he didn't, but he said it.  This is all I know and people tell me all the time I have more "control" in this relationshio than I think, but I don't see it.

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