I am going to make this as short as possible because the whole story is VERY long.
ANYWAY... It came out in august that I had an "emotional affair" and of course to led to big fighting for MONTHS. Just to clarify I did not text this person, I did not call this person, I barely left a comment on his facebook, and we really didn't even talk that much in person (we worked together, but he was seasonal and only worked in the Summer) I did however express my feelings for him to other co workers and a couple friends. I had fantasies of cheating on my husband and leaving him and being with this guy. I told my friend about how I had feelings for this guy and that I wouldn't even leave my husband for him because he is a few years younger than me and in college and not close either so I know it wouldn't work and plus I have two kids and I wouldn't put that on him. I felt that my marriage was failing because we barely did anything alone or even with the kids and we just didn't talk that much or kiss/hug not itimacy. We talked about it and things startedto get better until this thing came out. This 16 year old from work started texting me A LOT and we got into some personal stuff so I deleted my texts because I figured he would get mad at me for talking about us with her.
-Something to add... when we first started dating he was very controlling and jealous... we fought constantly about me "checking" other guys out and working with guys talking to guys in school and stuff, but we got past that, but it was always still in the back of my mind-
Anyway he got suspicious that we talked so much because apparently one night laying in bed I turned my phone away from him... ANYWAY we got into a fight because he found out I was deleting messages and I finally told him we talked about sex and stuff and he was upset becasue we never talk about sex. Skip ahead and somehow us trying to talk about sex led to me confessing to this emotional affair. Now things were baaaddddd, but they started to get better and he started to be more intimate and buy me flowers and hug and kiss me and we started having a lot more sex.
While this is all going down he starts chatting with girls like to try and make things even and he would say he is going to cheat on me. He started talking to this girl A who had relationship problems then told me if I need worry about someone it's her. There was another girl who was his ex back in middle school that he started talking to and out of the blue she sent him a picture of her boobs in a bra, but still he showed me and then showed me a pic of him without his shirt off that he was going to send her. They talked a lot and he told me about how her fiance found out and she had to change her # and everything. Of course I was mad but what could I do this was all MY fault I drove him to do this. So forget about these girls even though I know he still talks to the one girl A... He went to hid friends 30th surprise party and apparently met a girl there (I did not find this out till much later) then hit it off and I guess became friends. Now my husband is a very likable guy he makes friends easily (I DO NOT) so yeah...
Anyway things start to go down hill and all the things we were doing a lot more slowly came to a hault now that I think about it probably around the time he met this girl. Anyway he started acting a little strange to me... he started texting a lot more and would go outside in the truck and talk on the phone for hours late at night. He had done it before a couple times, but it was a lot. So of course my mind started to race because I am a thinker I think about everything and sometimes I get obsessed with a thought. One day I was talking to him while he was sitting and noticed he was talking to a person named "kangaroo" RED FLAGS why would he call someone that and went to the trouble to put a picture of a kangaroo as their picture? He just seemed sneaky to me and sometimes I would ask him who he was talking to and he would say "your mom" obviosuly because he didn't want me to know who he was talking to. I had also noticed he started taking a lot of pictures of himself and once I saw he sent a picture of one of our sons to this KANGAROO and yes it pissed me off. ANYWAY he went to a bacholer party in atlantic city and didn't come home until 4 am and I hardly slept because my mind was racing. I couldn't take it anymoe and I looked at his phone, I have NEVER done that before and I was trying my hardest not too. I read the texts and felt sick to my stomach... The way they talked to each other was disgusting to me. At this time I didn't know who it was but it was obvious she was friends with the birthday party guy and his wife. She was saying how she didn't think she could get through these past few months without him and they were talking about her boobs and this was all late at night when he was at this bacholer party and he was bored at the strip club and he told her to come pick him up (she didn't) and just other things I cant remember, but they were flirty. Then I looked at his pictures and noticed he had saved a picture of her, I just knew it was her.. I found out who it was by typing her # into facebook and she had the mutual friends with the birthday party guy and his wife, but not my husband and I had remembered that she was his friend before. SO then I thought why isn't he her friend does he not want me to know about her?
I finally brought it up to him about this girl and he said they are just friends and he met her at the party and her boyfriend had cheated on her so they had a lot to talk about. He said she is one of the only people that thinks we should stay together. STILL it pisses me off that he talks to her like that and at this time I am getting practically NOTHING from him. He does not flirt with me or anything like that and whenever I try to touch him he usually pushes me away. He says that is just how he is and that if he flirts with someone that means he doesn't want to be with them. So because I hardly get attention from him I should feel loved???
So I am sure he told this girl of how I felt and she friend requested me on facebook a couple weeks ago and I accepted her even though I have never met her before and I don't like to add people I don't actually know. Last night I noticed he was texting her again and those feelings started coming back like what are they talking about and I know if I asked he wouldn't tell me. He now locks his phone so I can't see anything and he was the one that said I have nothing to hide, yet he locks his phone. I am really at a loss here because I love him so much, but I feel like he is going more wrong then I did. I wasn't sending pictures to anyone nor was a recieving... I was not talking to people the way he is... so I was feeling like maybe I should message this girl and see what her intentions are and how she feels about talking to MY husband. Or i thought I'll just message her and become "friends" with her. She friend requested me and she has only "liked" one of my pictures. This whole thing is eating me alive... I feel like I am the last person on his list of people and I should be #1 and it's not like we haven't talked about it because we have and this is how things are. I know this is really long and there are other details, but this thing with this girl is driving me nuts. He says he would never cheat on me and I have to except that he would leave first. I just don't know what to do.....
*EDIT*
I just wanted to add that I don't want to make me sound too much like a victim because I had my share of lying to him... I mean a lot of it was little shit and sometimes I didn't even know the truth... like this is one thing I remember when my son was 1.5 he got our $400 camera off the counter and when I went to take it from him he threw it and messed up the zoom a little and when my husband asked about it I said I didn't know. Yeah I should have just told him, but I didn't want him getting mad at me. Another thing when this first happened he asked me if I masterbated thinking about other people and I told him I did not which if fact I did (not everytime) but the big one was because I had thought about that GUY before so that was a big one. And just other things that just come out as a lie before I really think about it... it really is all a big mess and like I said before it had gotten better than all of a sudden it went down hill again. He says it's going to take time maybe even years for things to go back to normal, but what is normal? I don't even know because normal wasn't him talking to other girls so much and yeah I know he has "girl" friends, but it wasn't like this.
I t sounds like a tangled mess--"Oh what a tangled web we weave when 1st we practice to deceive.." Trust me, you have plenty of company in that regard. The remaining question is, what are you going to do to fix this? BOTH of you, I mean. You both obviously care about each other, but you need to raise the white flag together to get past this mess together if you give any shred of a care for your marriage. Good luck, it may not seem like it at the moment, but it is fixable. You guys just need to be willing to accept your earned ration of humble pie. Bon appetit, mon cheri! ;)
Ok so now you know how it would feel so he can stop now. Why was it with more than one person? I would say its me or her. You cant live everyday stressing about weather or not he just gonna up and leave or be sleeping with some girl you dont know. Thats how people ned up with stds and it is gross. If I even kinda thought my husband maybe cheated on me I would drag his ass to the health department and get him tested. You cant sit around and wonder things like that. It might be a good thing you two are not having sex right now. I think thats what you said, right? If I were you I would be done. But if you think things will turn around, good luck. I hope he comes to his senses.
Quoting llheet8586:
Quoting MaddysMommy2909:
Im sorry but "get even". My husband cheated on me before we got married but I never wanted to get even with him because I love him. How could that not cause more problems? I dont think he loves you anymore if he is talking about boobs and sex with this other girl. Even if they are just friends, why would they need to send pics to each other like that? If a guy runs to a girl every time they want to talk, unless they were already really close friends, then they are probably sleeping with them or at least wanting to. Getting even is just one of the most stupid things Ive ever heard. Sometimes people make mistakes but you move on and get over it. At least you came clean. He clearly is hiding things from you.
At first it was a "I want you to feel how I feel" type thing and now like with this latest girl it is just extra weird. Like I really don't care that he has "girl" friends... but I think there is a difference when this is not a girl that is dating/married to one of his friends and he just met her in like January. They met at a mutual friends birthday party and became friends from there. I know he added her on facebook weather it was she who asked him or vice versa, but how did calling/texting come into play? Apparently she was cheated on by her husband or fiance (I am not sure if they were married) and when I confronted him after look at his phone he said they had a lot to talk about because she was cheated on to... I mean really? I DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM. Yes I had fantasies, but one I always said to myself that I would never cheat if I wanted to be with someone THAT bad I would leave my husband. Second I know my husband and he has a temper... I would not be THAT stupid to cheat on him.. I know he would flip the F*CK out and yeah it just wouldn't happen. When I brought it up to him I feel like there was more to be discussed but I don't even remember how it ended... I know he said one thing that that is how he talks to people. I know he is a flirt and he flirts with EVERYONE... I mean he flirts with guys and even elderly people... BUT he does not give me this type of attention... he says he likes to make things awkward and it's not awkward with me. I am actually going to let this go for now and just do me and see how things go... I will be keeping an eye on him though... and eventually if it bothers me too much again I am going to bring it up again.
not sure why it is bothering me but
- llheet8586
on Jun. 19, 2012 at 9:09 AM