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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Emotional or is Dh being unappreciative?

Posted by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 12:30 AM
  • 16 Replies

I honestly just want to know if im being emotional or he is being a major douche. My husband got a new job a couple of days ago. I have literally done everything for him inorder for him to have the job got all his paperwork for his licenses, spent time and money just to find out the job is 100% commission now I do have a problem with it a little because now I have to pick up extra hours at work also attend school full time and take care of our daughter and make sure to have dinner picked out and have all the bills paid. Now during the day I take care of our daughter and then I go to work when he comes homes. I make sure she is sleep when he gets home so he can sleep before she wakes up. I stopped by the store before going home to get last minute groceries and when I get home he is laying on the couch, our daughter is in a diaper(she is 100% potty trained) thanks to me. And I ask him why she was in a diaper and he says because I wanted to put one on her it was the only thing he could find but yet where he found the diaper is the same place her undies are. That really upset me because I am the one who potty trained her and she doesn't need to be back tracked because he wants to be lazy. So I began yelling at him and he decides to say that I need to go to the doctor to get checked because I have issues and I'm emotional. Why is wanted to being appreciated and respected, me being emotional. I love him so much but for some reason lately all we have been doing is arguing. He has been saying smart crap to me a lot lately. And it is building up. He ruined my part of the dinner i asked him to watch my food while I went to the store again, I get home and its siting on the stove burnt while he is enjoying his nice meal. We have a great relationship a lot but lately its been stress and more stress. I don't know how to get him to change anymore. I have tried everything. I'm sick of talking if I could run off for just 2 days with our daughter I think he would appreciate me more and stop being such a douche. Ughhhh I just wanted to vent ladies sorry its long. Thanks for listening.

by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 12:30 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MamaCat1121
by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 12:39 AM
Do you have family you can go stay with for a couple days. Maybe counseling? He may "hear" you but isn't really listening. But if its hurting your daughter's well being then maybe you both need a couple days.....clear your head and decide how to proceed. But you guys need to breath so neither of you say or do anything harsh.
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MixedCooke
by Silver Member on Jun. 20, 2012 at 1:44 AM

seems like a selfish douche aka like my hubby!  I work nights and take care of our 2 yr old daughter in the day, manage the bills, do the grocery shopping, laundry and cooking, etc. and all that I ask him to do really beyond giving the girls dinner (which I made), bathe them and put them to bed (since I work nights I only get to nap when our 2 yr old does and when he gets home from work usually less than 5 hours), is to put out the trash and recycle and put away the dishes and that is it.  He usually doesnt put a garbage bag back in the can and onmany occasions doesnt bring back the can.  He will empty the dishwasher but not the dish strainer and expect me to wash the pots and pans even though I was the one that cooked the dinner!!!

Yeah I am pretty fed up with doing everything while he does a half-a$$ed job of what little he does.  I will NOT break down and just do it myself because he has got to do something since we both work!  If I was a stay at home wife/mom that would be one thing but I work too!  Ugh!  I am ready to kick him to the curb!

Gmgej
by Michele on Jun. 20, 2012 at 7:34 AM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like he is being lazy, so IMO it is time for you to stop doing, take care of you and your daughter, let him fend for himself. You are working and doing all the home work, so cut yourself some slack.

BaileynMe
by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 7:57 AM
I think you need to talk to him. Calmly. No yelling, tears, or emotion of any sort. He may not realize just how much effort you are putting into things (such as having the baby asleep) for him, but exploding and reacting emotionally is just going to make him feel guilty and defensive.

When you talk, be willing to listen. Whatever you do, do not get defensive. If he has criticism, listen and offer a solution. If he says he thinks you need help, it may be That he really is concerned but in the heat of the moment it came out nasty. Tell him you're feeling overwhelmed, and that when you get upset all he needs to do is tell you that he appreciates what you do.

When he comes home from work, give him time to decompress. I know when I get home from work I'm exhausted and just want a few minutes of calm. If I don't get those minutes, I tend to be short-tempered for a lot longer than if I'd been able to just decompress and hear my own thoughts for 10 minutes. Once he's had that, then ask for help! Just because he got a new job doesn't mean he isn't still your partner.

Go through the house and get rid of the diapers or put them in a different spot. He may be intimidated by her potty schedule and if you leave the diapers there he'll take the easy way out.
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emmy526
by Member on Jun. 20, 2012 at 8:03 AM

then you need to change yourself and your reactions to his behavior....doing that will help immensly and you can begin doing it right now.  Stop catering to him all the time...you work too.  You need just as much slack as he does.  Can't help but wonder if his distance towards you has to do the his new job, and is someone distracting him there?  Does he have female co workers?  And why did YOU do all the work for HIM to get a job??  That's why he takes advantage of you...you let him, and he enjoys it.  

superm0m877
by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 8:20 AM

This is perfect advice. 

Quoting BaileynMe:

I think you need to talk to him. Calmly. No yelling, tears, or emotion of any sort. He may not realize just how much effort you are putting into things (such as having the baby asleep) for him, but exploding and reacting emotionally is just going to make him feel guilty and defensive.

When you talk, be willing to listen. Whatever you do, do not get defensive. If he has criticism, listen and offer a solution. If he says he thinks you need help, it may be That he really is concerned but in the heat of the moment it came out nasty. Tell him you're feeling overwhelmed, and that when you get upset all he needs to do is tell you that he appreciates what you do.

When he comes home from work, give him time to decompress. I know when I get home from work I'm exhausted and just want a few minutes of calm. If I don't get those minutes, I tend to be short-tempered for a lot longer than if I'd been able to just decompress and hear my own thoughts for 10 minutes. Once he's had that, then ask for help! Just because he got a new job doesn't mean he isn't still your partner.

Go through the house and get rid of the diapers or put them in a different spot. He may be intimidated by her potty schedule and if you leave the diapers there he'll take the easy way out.


MomToovey
by Marianne on Jun. 20, 2012 at 8:48 AM

 I think it's a mixture of both. The fact that you immediately went to yelling when you saw DD in a diaper wasn't the best choice. Guys don't listen when they feel accused of something. So all you really did was get loud, without any kind of result. I do understand your frustration. I single-handedly potty trained our daughter and would also be livid if my DH chose a diaper instead of panties. But sitting down and calmly talking to him about it might have made more of an impression on him.

You mention wanting to feel appreciated and respected. That's valid. Every person does want that, so you have every right to feel this way. May I suggest that you first seek appreciation and respect from yourself? If you take the time to really focus on yourself and make you love you, it's not going to matter what other people think. Moreover, the confidence you'll emit when you can love yourself will immediately attract appreciation and respect from others. It's amazing how that works, right? When you want others to treat you right, the best thing to do is forget about them and start treating yourself right - and then suddenly, others are starting to treat you right as well. And it's true. It's not a theory.

I do wish you luck, momma.

98765
by Silver Member on Jun. 20, 2012 at 8:54 AM
My first queation is why in the world would he take a 100% comm job??? My husband was out if work for 7 months and could have taken several of those jobs but he realized with a wife, a 4 year old and a newborn that was not a practical option. UE was paying him more. That was your DH first mistake.

As for everything else he is being totally inconsiserate as well and selfish and rude and disrespectful and it would never fly in my house. STOP doing everything immediately. None of his laundry, no meals, no nothing.

Try taling but i suspect it wont matter. I dont know what to tell u. Its a terrible situation and im sorry he is doing this. But we allow people to treat us however they want. You must demand respect and help or you wont get it. Good luck
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CrazyLife1996
by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 9:02 AM
I agree with this completely.


Quoting BaileynMe:

I think you need to talk to him. Calmly. No yelling, tears, or emotion of any sort. He may not realize just how much effort you are putting into things (such as having the baby asleep) for him, but exploding and reacting emotionally is just going to make him feel guilty and defensive.



When you talk, be willing to listen. Whatever you do, do not get defensive. If he has criticism, listen and offer a solution. If he says he thinks you need help, it may be That he really is concerned but in the heat of the moment it came out nasty. Tell him you're feeling overwhelmed, and that when you get upset all he needs to do is tell you that he appreciates what you do.



When he comes home from work, give him time to decompress. I know when I get home from work I'm exhausted and just want a few minutes of calm. If I don't get those minutes, I tend to be short-tempered for a lot longer than if I'd been able to just decompress and hear my own thoughts for 10 minutes. Once he's had that, then ask for help! Just because he got a new job doesn't mean he isn't still your partner.



Go through the house and get rid of the diapers or put them in a different spot. He may be intimidated by her potty schedule and if you leave the diapers there he'll take the easy way out.

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sbreece
by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 9:09 AM
1 mom liked this
Stop doing stuff for him!! Stop cooking, cleaning, pampering, making sure the baby is asleep, preparing his paperwork, etc.

STOP BABYING HIM!!

I promise after about a week, he'll figure out that you actually DO do more than he thinks and he may actually appreciate you for it then. Start worrying about you and your daughter. Throw the diapers away or hide them. He can't use what he can't find and by the sound of it, he's too lazy to go buy more diapers. So if they aren't readily available, he'll have to use panties on her. Him finding a job doesnt make it ok to slack in his parental duties. That's what I'd tell him. He wants to believe im emotional because im exhausted ..so be it.
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