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Please, Dont come in here just to tell me to get a Divorce

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So LONG story short DH and I have never had it easy but recently we have had another bump in the road. But some good came from it...we FINALLY had an open, honest , mature conversation about our relationship.

DH is an admitted narcissist and says that he has tried to be happy but as a perfectionist he will never be happy...even if he was sitting on millions and sleeping with Miss. Universe. He says he is tired of hurting me and loves me and wishes I never would have married him because I deserve better. I deserve a man who I can actually satisfy. While he was saying all of this he is telling me he'd hoped to get me through nursing school and then left him for a surgeon or something.

It was hard to hear all of this but still sweet that he is willing to remain unhappy to get me to a point where I can stand on my own two feet.

I am unhappy but but for different (more fixable) reasons.

He is unwilling to go to counseling but will try to get on some anti anxiety meds which he desperately needs and see if that helps things.

I guess I feel like because Love has never been the problem for us that we can get through this and be happy all the while he is telling me that he will never be happy. Even if we broke up he would be miserable but in a new way and it would spare the family the pain of going through it with him.

I guess Im looking for some encouraging words as I DO NOT want to get divorced and am not one to give up so easily. He tries but simply cant bring himself to be a good husband.

What to do? What to do?

by on Jun. 24, 2012 at 9:22 PM
Replies (111-120):
by on Jun. 25, 2012 at 10:04 PM

How about a marriage counselor?Hang in there.

by Lauren on Jun. 25, 2012 at 10:29 PM
Me too, honey. I'm the biggest believer ever in the fairy tale love story. Don't waste the best years of your life waiting on him to decide to value you and truly love you.

Quoting BlueRay:

I hope your wrong :-(

Quoting Momof5kids84:

Oh, she thinks she loves him for sure, but he doesn't love her back. loved her, he would want her to be happy with him. True love means loving someone else more tLoviTrue love yourself. Also, love is mutual. It does not rise and fall on looks. Until he gets this issue under control with counseling and hard work, he isn't capable of loving anyone. His love for her should inspire him to change in order for him to make her happy. He is taking the easy way out by telling her to leave him. That is called being a coward. Have the balls to tell her that you just don't love her.

Quoting withallmylove:

 What do you mean this isn't Love.

She is willing to do what ever it takes because SHE LOVES HIM, He thinks she deserves better because of his illness he  wants her to be Happy ...... that is LOVE

Quoting Momof5kids84:

This isn't love. I'm sorry, but it isn't.

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by on Jun. 25, 2012 at 10:45 PM

I don't believe in divorce, and a lot of people are so quick to throw out the "D" word to each other. SO, good job for sticking in there. When people constantly have "let down after let down" it is hard to keep their positive side out. And when people get really depressed their darkest or dark thoughts come out. They say sh*t that they would NEVER say if they were in their right mind. Hate that you are going threw this. Hope he gets things sorted out. Good Luck.

by Bella on Jun. 26, 2012 at 12:59 AM

 Good luck to you, I have no advice

by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 1:50 AM

 I really do get that, and that good to is hard

Quoting BlueRay:

Im very capable of doing it on my own if I had to, I have a great family who would help me. Fact is I dont want to divorce a man Im still in love with. I think the only way it will get through to me that he cant give me what I need is if he said it everyday frankly and calmly. Maybe Im in denial but even so, if he wants a divorce so bad he will have to be the one to do it, I refuse to pull the trigger.

Quoting rayroe2:

 The only advice I have don't be unhappy for someone that don't care about your happiness, you have a kid  and your that kids prime example of things and how things work in life. if he wont get help you get help. you have two feet and you have a brain and a heart, not just him. I get that your determined just make it worth the wait don't wait for someone who is telling you things and then putting a disorder on it. Your a women and need to be treated like one. I hope y'all can work threw this!

Quoting BlueRay:

In all honesty I knew he loved me at first sight, I could see it in his eyes. It took me a while to come around but he swept me off my feet with his understanding, sweetness, manliness, intelligence and wittiness. We got pregnant too early though but made it a point not to get married just for our son. He was 1.5 when we wed. I dont know if we are 'meant to be' , I dont know that I believe in that we are only meant for one person. But I love him, that has never changed. He says he loves me just as much but there is something wrong with him that he cant seem to care about me as a person. I dont know what to make of our beginnings, maybe it was all just hormones, maybe not. All I know is how I feel and I dont want to give up, I want to help him through this and be stronger as a couple for it.

Quoting rayroe2:

 Wow. I don't have advice yet just some questions. So what made you fall in love with him? Do you believe that sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together? not gonna tell you to leave I promise

Quoting BlueRay:

Uncaring mostly. he is unhappy and says he will never be satisfied, I am unhappy because he is unhappy. He has no respect for me and cant seem to muster the slightest sign that he has concern for my feelings. He has not cheated on me though the conversation that lead to our opening up he said he wants to sleep with other women but hasnt. I believe him.

Quoting rayroe2:

 so what is your husband issue? does he cheat on you, not show you love, abuse you, like what is hes problem....what do you go threw daily with this man?

Quoting BlueRay:

what can i clear up?

Quoting rayroe2:

 I feel so lost what is his problem?? I never heard these terms before and everyone seems to already know what it is?









CafeMom Tickers
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 7:19 AM
Maybe the meds will help
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 7:20 AM
Find a good counselor and he should get individual treatment by a psych to get him on meds and work with him on the problems you're facing.
Good luck. I hope the best for both of you.
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 9:17 AM

OMG, get that man into some kind of therapy NOW!!!  Divorce should be your very last option, not the first, and if you get him to seek help with these issues, there is hope for both you!  Good luck!

by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 10:42 AM

Oh- wait.  I did not pick up on that before... "he really wanted me to get through school so I could stand a chance if/when I get on my own."  He is telling you that he isn't going to stick around.  This is how he is going to relieve himself of the guilt he might have felt when he decides to leave you.  He is giving you what he considers fair warning.  Not cool.  You are right, he is trying to get out without having the fault be his. 

Good luck.  I do not want you to have to get a divorce and it would be great if he decides to work on your marriage as hard as you are, but it definitely sounds like he isn't planning on sticking around.  I truly hope that's not the case.

Quoting BlueRay:

I wondered about this but he doesnt even persue the conversation unless I do so I dont think he is getting pleasure out of it. I do wonder if he is saying he wants me to be happy and all that just so he can get out of the marriage without any fault on him. He would agree with you that I need someone who can satisfy my needs as well, thats where he gets off saying I can do better blah blah. He didnt say he would be miserable for me, not is no many words anyway. He said he was unhappy but really wanted to get me through school so I can stand a chance if/when I get on my own. I dont want to be on my own though, I would still love him.

Quoting maidjillian:

It sounds to me like he is playing mind games with you.  Like he enjoys saying things that are emotionally hurtful ("I wish you married someone you can satisy?"  "It's okay, I'll be hopeless miserable for you."  WTF?) That's cruel.

If he won't get counseling and you don't want a divorce, then you need to settle for what you have now.  It doesn't sound like a good place to be.  You know you deserve better.  How about you deserve someone who can satisfy YOU?

by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 10:52 AM

Talk, talk and talk....I say opening yourself up to one another is a good start. At least he is admitting there is a problem with the way he sees and approaches things. I truly believe my husband has a narcissistic personality as well, things have gotten better through the years though. Try and find ways to get closer to him and rebuild the relationship. How long have you been together? Does he have any toxic friends that could be hindering your progress as well?

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