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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Is it Abuse? (A Resource Guide)

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Hi Ladies,

As a future Social Worker, I felt it would be good to have a post in the Love and Marriage group that has information about the different types of abuse - and yes, there is more than just physical abuse.  I have listed some links below, and I hope that everyone will add more resources and /or stories so that we can keep it on top as a primary resource.  Feel free to include resources and information about abuse within an adult relationship, child abuse/neglect, and elder abuse.  It's not a fun topic, but I think it's vital that we have these resources available!

Here are a few links to get us started:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse

http://www.asafeplacenh.org/abuse_types.html (be sure to donload the brochure!)

http://suite101.com/article/different-types-of-abuse-in-love-relationships-a12723

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

http://alzheimers.about.com/od/advocates/a/6_types_abuse.htm

Here's a link to a post in the Babies group for more info about domestic violence: http://www.cafemom.com/group/babies/forums/read/17029403/Dv_info?last#last

by on Jan. 10, 2014 at 11:02 AM
Replies (121-129):
DaBuzz
by Member on Sep. 19, 2014 at 5:22 PM

I am also a social worker, and I am also a survivor! My first "marriage" was very abusive, I experienced every type of abuse. That lasted 14 years because I was a Christian and that's what was expected of me. I was supposed to be that "good Christian wife" and marriage was forever, no matter WHAT. My church knew but they turned a blind eye and told me they believed in reconciliation. Great. Then *I* was accused by them of having an affair as the breakdown of my marriage. I never knew betrayal could hurt so much. I had been cheated on but the church was accusing me of doing it. I was thoroughly disgusted and eventually left the church (and Christianity) as well. For good.

I finally left my "marriage" because I feared for my life and I feared that I would lose my children due to the abuse. I had tried leaving numerous times but always went back. He was "sorry, didn't mean it, loves me soooo  much..." yada yada. There's just too much to get into, I would need a book! lol

The final straw was a gun to my head (in which he was "just kidding!").

Now I'm helping other women in different ways to recognize and do what they need to do to be a survivor and not a victim.

earthangel1967
by YVONNE on Sep. 20, 2014 at 1:17 PM

im sorryhugsyou rock


Quoting DaBuzz:

My story is very similar to yours, except my children still don't have a clue what their father did to me. They were young when I left... 7, 9, and 11. The most extreme was holding a gun to my head, but how do you tell your children that? You don't. You just have to leave.

I don't know how they could not have seen or heard or felt all of the violence he perpetrated on me, but they were all very negatively affected by our divorce, seemingly moreso than the marriage.... weird. It killed me to break up their family, and they are still dealing with the after-effects, 7 years later.

I know I did the right thing leaving. I have never regretted it, but I've always wished they wanted me to leave, though I'm glad they did not know the reasons...

Quoting earthangel1967:

Thank you... in my first marriage  (if thats what you want to call it ughhh) of 16 yrs I was abused and didnt realize it for a long time. I also kept thinking I could fix him and that if I couldnt "I" was a failure and felt guilty and had to try harder  ... I regret marrying him and I regret not leaving him much much sooner ... it was sooo shocking and so sad when of my 4 kids my two young teens (the oldest 2 ASKED me t leave him)I had thought my kidswould hate me if I left their dad, plus I had no money nowhere to go and no employability skills, they told me they didnt care, they said even living in a shelter would be better .... I left him within 1 hour of them confronting me that way and it was the best thing I ever did.... me and all the kids went thru 2 years of intense poverty once I left but we were close knit and a team and then our lives became better than we'd ever hoped and dreamed and we've been beyond happy ever since. : D

Sometimes divorce is a blessing and NOT a bad thing!


View Full Size ImageYVONNE

DaBuzz
by Member on Sep. 20, 2014 at 1:59 PM

Aw, thank you! :) And ditto! I'm so good now it should be considered a sin ;) (By good I mean healed and past all of that sh**)


One other thought. I noticed the date of the OP after I had posted lol Good post!!

Quoting earthangel1967:

im sorryhugsyou rock

Quoting DaBuzz:

My story is very similar to yours, except my children still don't have a clue what their father did to me. They were young when I left... 7, 9, and 11. The most extreme was holding a gun to my head, but how do you tell your children that? You don't. You just have to leave.

I don't know how they could not have seen or heard or felt all of the violence he perpetrated on me, but they were all very negatively affected by our divorce, seemingly moreso than the marriage.... weird. It killed me to break up their family, and they are still dealing with the after-effects, 7 years later.

I know I did the right thing leaving. I have never regretted it, but I've always wished they wanted me to leave, though I'm glad they did not know the reasons...

Quoting earthangel1967:

Thank you... in my first marriage  (if thats what you want to call it ughhh) of 16 yrs I was abused and didnt realize it for a long time. I also kept thinking I could fix him and that if I couldnt "I" was a failure and felt guilty and had to try harder  ... I regret marrying him and I regret not leaving him much much sooner ... it was sooo shocking and so sad when of my 4 kids my two young teens (the oldest 2 ASKED me t leave him)I had thought my kidswould hate me if I left their dad, plus I had no money nowhere to go and no employability skills, they told me they didnt care, they said even living in a shelter would be better .... I left him within 1 hour of them confronting me that way and it was the best thing I ever did.... me and all the kids went thru 2 years of intense poverty once I left but we were close knit and a team and then our lives became better than we'd ever hoped and dreamed and we've been beyond happy ever since. : D

Sometimes divorce is a blessing and NOT a bad thing!


waytomanykids10
by Member on Sep. 26, 2014 at 2:06 PM

After going through an abusive childhood and then into an abuse marriage, I never really thought I was abused. It was just a normal part of life. It wasn't until after my first husband shoved me down a flight of stairs, following me as I was falling, and then beating me,  putting me in the hospital for 2 weeks, almost dying, and then meeting with a counsoler that I finally started to realize I was being abused. If it hadn't been for her and my best friend I probably would either be dead or married to the same person still going through the abuse. Thanks to them I divorced the bastard and I am now married to a wonderful man that treats me like a queen. Life is good :)

Veey
by Member on Nov. 10, 2014 at 11:48 PM
I'm going through this right now. It has to be the most f****d up relationship I have ever been in. I have never been put through the emotional ringer like I have with this guy and it sucks. Controlling, threatening, punishing, silent treatment, cold shoulder, public ridicule and shaming, isolating me from my family and friends. What sucks the worst is we have an 11 month old together- which means I have to deal with this asshole (if he decides to stick around and actually BE a parent) for a long long time even after we are divorced.
shelljav
by New Member on Nov. 16, 2014 at 5:04 PM

awwe I am so happy that you have finally moved on. It does seem that other cultures dominate their women. It is sickening.

Quoting RoseBlossom:

i was emotionally abused for 2 years before I even realized it! I think a lot of women think its only abuse if they hit or scream at them, but theres other kinds too. I was such a strong character in high school and then I met my ex dh. We had dated in high school for a while but I broke it off to go my own way. By the time I met him again, I was 20 and just had a divorce from 1st exdh who cheated on me and was trying to sexually abuse me, and we had an infant son together. Anyways, I saw my 2nd exdh at my gmas house unexpecetedly (he came to visit my family out of the blue with a a few other of my high school friends) and I guess I forgot why we had broke up the first time, because we started dating after that. A year later I was married to him and we had just had our first child together. I thought we would be married forever. But after I had our son, and we got married, he did a 180 and changed so much it was scary. He wasnt loving anymore, he started to try to control everything I did, and anything I did wasnt good enough. He's mexican, but had never even been to mexico, yet he suddenly started to have mexican machismo ways about everything meaning I was below him, I had to have the house spotless even when I worked, I had to have food ready for him when he got home, and it had to be particular food, it couldnt be anything from a can or ready to make, I couldnt even buy beans in a can, I had to make them from scratch everyday like his sister did. His family especially his mother, were terrible to me, caling me lazy and stupid. 


He would try to have sex with me everyday, and when I did give in, he would come within 2 or 3 minutes of doing it, every single time, and he never took care of me in that department, he was very selfish. every time i tried to cuddle with him, he would try to have sex with me, it got to the point that i didnt even want to be around him. I realized that suddenly i was no longer that strong woman from my younger years, I was a shell of what i used to be. I even caught myself looking down on my sister for letting her husband change my nephews diaper when she was supposed to do it because she was the woman. I couldnt believe that i had been brainwashed so badly. I tried to give my kids oatmeal for breakfast, but he didnt allow it because he said it wasnt real food, same with cereal. He never ever got up with our kids when they were infants, plus he slept all the time, every day came home and went right to bed, not helping me with the kids, not doing anything, or going anywhere and we were only 22 years old! I even begged him to go to he park, the mall, wherever and when I would ask him for some money just to have, even a dollar he would ask me what for when he provides everything for me.


he got in so many fights with my family over the way he would treat me, even in yelling matches with my mom and grandma who are very strong women, and he always thought he was right. Well, i finally got a job, and started to save money. things went downhill from there. i was working as much as i could and he was watching the kids when i worked in the evening when he got home from work at 1pm. i once asked him what he fed the kids for dinner and he said an orange. i couldnt believe it, when i yelled at him about this, he said that i should have dinner ready already when he got home at 1pm! i laughed at this, because he was serious. i was noticing that i was getting my old self back a little at a time, because i was finally standing up for myself and calling him out on his stupidity. finally i told him it was over. he tried to have sex with me a few nights later, to the point where i was about to threaten him with the cops, but then he left my room. after that he moved out. when we seaprated, i was talking to a guy coworker about my problems, and he was having a lot of issues with his exgf who had cheated on him, and we just clicked after that. we became inseparable and i realized that there are good men out there who dont control and treat a woman right. 4 years later, and a daughter together and we are still going strong, whereas my ex just a baby he didnt want with his on/off again gf and still has the same problems in his relationship that we had in ours...his controlling behavior.


sorry so long, needed to vent, and say that there are happy endings if one only seeks to make them happen.


steph2474
by New Member on Dec. 15, 2014 at 4:56 PM
1 mom liked this
Thank you for posting and everyone that shared. Being in these relationships makes you feel like you are losing your mind. And because so few say anything you start wondering if it's you. For some it's not as easy to get out of the marriage or relationship and it's not helpful when those around you think you don't want to leave not know $$makes it difficult especially when kids are involved. Thank you for all had shared.
steph2474
by New Member on Dec. 16, 2014 at 2:14 PM
So happy that you're free. Sad to hear about the church. I'm also a Christian but I'm happy to say my pastor isn't like that, while he don't jump and say to all hey get divorce, in situations like my marriage, he did tell me God won't be mad with me, that it's stupid to stay where it's so toxic. Haven't been able to do it yet.. $$$ makes it difficult but I'm heading there. It's helpful to read about all these women that made it out, gives the rest of us hope.

Quoting DaBuzz:

I am also a social worker, and I am also a survivor! My first "marriage" was very abusive, I experienced every type of abuse. That lasted 14 years because I was a Christian and that's what was expected of me. I was supposed to be that "good Christian wife" and marriage was forever, no matter WHAT. My church knew but they turned a blind eye and told me they believed in reconciliation. Great. Then *I* was accused by them of having an affair as the breakdown of my marriage. I never knew betrayal could hurt so much. I had been cheated on but the church was accusing me of doing it. I was thoroughly disgusted and eventually left the church (and Christianity) as well. For good.

I finally left my "marriage" because I feared for my life and I feared that I would lose my children due to the abuse. I had tried leaving numerous times but always went back. He was "sorry, didn't mean it, loves me soooo  much..." yada yada. There's just too much to get into, I would need a book! lol

The final straw was a gun to my head (in which he was "just kidding!").

Now I'm helping other women in different ways to recognize and do what they need to do to be a survivor and not a victim.

steph2474
by New Member on Dec. 16, 2014 at 2:14 PM
So happy that you're free. Sad to hear about the church. I'm also a Christian but I'm happy to say my pastor isn't like that, while he don't jump and say to all hey get divorce, in situations like my marriage, he did tell me God won't be mad with me, that it's stupid to stay where it's so toxic. Haven't been able to do it yet.. $$$ makes it difficult but I'm heading there. It's helpful to read about all these women that made it out, gives the rest of us hope.

Quoting DaBuzz:

I am also a social worker, and I am also a survivor! My first "marriage" was very abusive, I experienced every type of abuse. That lasted 14 years because I was a Christian and that's what was expected of me. I was supposed to be that "good Christian wife" and marriage was forever, no matter WHAT. My church knew but they turned a blind eye and told me they believed in reconciliation. Great. Then *I* was accused by them of having an affair as the breakdown of my marriage. I never knew betrayal could hurt so much. I had been cheated on but the church was accusing me of doing it. I was thoroughly disgusted and eventually left the church (and Christianity) as well. For good.

I finally left my "marriage" because I feared for my life and I feared that I would lose my children due to the abuse. I had tried leaving numerous times but always went back. He was "sorry, didn't mean it, loves me soooo  much..." yada yada. There's just too much to get into, I would need a book! lol

The final straw was a gun to my head (in which he was "just kidding!").

Now I'm helping other women in different ways to recognize and do what they need to do to be a survivor and not a victim.

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