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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Is it Abuse? (A Resource Guide)

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Hi Ladies,

As a future Social Worker, I felt it would be good to have a post in the Love and Marriage group that has information about the different types of abuse - and yes, there is more than just physical abuse.  I have listed some links below, and I hope that everyone will add more resources and /or stories so that we can keep it on top as a primary resource.  Feel free to include resources and information about abuse within an adult relationship, child abuse/neglect, and elder abuse.  It's not a fun topic, but I think it's vital that we have these resources available!

Here are a few links to get us started:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse

http://www.asafeplacenh.org/abuse_types.html (be sure to donload the brochure!)

http://suite101.com/article/different-types-of-abuse-in-love-relationships-a12723

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

http://alzheimers.about.com/od/advocates/a/6_types_abuse.htm

Here's a link to a post in the Babies group for more info about domestic violence: http://www.cafemom.com/group/babies/forums/read/17029403/Dv_info?last#last

by on Jan. 10, 2014 at 11:02 AM
Replies (101-110):
Lisp714
by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 2:20 AM

 Hi,

I was wondering what you ladies thought about whether this situation is abuse? Here's a little of what's been going on ...

My Fiance' and I have a long and complicated story behind our relationship. But here's a quick review. We met through mutual friends when I was 15 years old and he was 16 years old. He really liked me a lot, and I wouldn't give him the time of day. Well after the first year or so, he some how won me over. We dated from the ages of 16 yrs and 17 yrs old up until we were 20 and 21 yrs old. In the 4 1/2 yrs we dated, we went through a LOT of stuff, no one should ever have to go through. But we also became pregnant with our dd when I was 18 yrs old. We were on and off the entire pregnancy and after she was born. He was messing around, and immature. So I moved back into my Moms. Well, we did end up back together and we were up until things were not going good again. Our dd was about 1 1/2 years old then. We stayed broken up for 3 1/2 years then.

Well around 4 years ago, we decided to try again. We eventually moved into our first home together and everything was so great! Well soon, his job wasn't cutting it, and we were having financial issues, so we moved into my Moms house. We're still here now, and it's been almost 2 yrs now. We were only supposed to stay for 1 year. He kept telling me that he was going to making more hrs and more money at his job, but after 3 years there, he didn't do that (he was actually making less money.)

For about the last two months now, things have progressively gotten worst day by day. He has been coming home later, and later. He will get up early morning (3-4 am to leave for work), which is way too early, he never calls me or texts me at work anymore, and if I call him he acts like I'm being such an inconvenience, if he's going to be late from work or go somewhere after work he never calls or texts, he has refused to talk to me about any of the issues we've been having too (his excuse is that he hasn't figured everything he wants to say in his own head.) Well to me, that's bull!! We are engaged and have two children together. There shouldn't be anything to think about! Just today I asked him if he still wants to be together, he wouldn't answer and told me he'd talk to me when our kids went to bed. That never happened!! Oh, I forgot I also gave him my engagement ring back, the same day that I originally tried to have a discussion about where our relationship and family was going. I didn't do it out of anger, I did it because I know that he didn't ask me from his heart, he asked me to marry him over 2 years ago and it was because I kept bring it up to him. Not because he chose to. Since then, he hasn't answered me when we'll maybe get married, or if he is excited to, he doesn't show any type of emotions about it at all.

If you were me, what would you do? So far, I'm giving him all his space, I haven't asked him any questions since, and I'm starting to think that he's lying to me, especially about where he's going all these days and hours he's missing from home.

Sorry, I forgot to add the most important parts ... He has all access to our money, I don't have access to our checking/saving account, even my own cc he has, and has had it for almost a yr., he gives me money (maybe $20-40 once a week), he makes all the important decisions, he doesn't allow me to have access to anything financially (he says that I will spend all of our money, and he doesn't trust me.) I even had NO car for over 8 months before, and that's happened numerous times as well.

bjjtsmom
by on Apr. 8, 2014 at 10:42 AM
I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and Im so exhausted! I married my husband 5years ago after giving birth to two sons Our first when I was 19 straight out of HS the second in the middle of nursing school I didn't finish the He bought a house without me seeing it I was only working part time so I didnt have much $ to contribute so I wasnt told about it until he had already bought it and so We moved in and So it began..... I had our 3rd son a year later and I stayed at home We decided I didnt make enough to cover childcare so I took care of the younger two and the home and I truly thought He valued my position as a stay at home mom and cargiver but I've been yelled at every otherday for thr past five years for any and everything, Im always annoying him when I ask or speak to him and There is always a readon to treat me other than I should be treated or he would want to be talked to I've begged him to stop and It always returns without fail He talks to me nasty then I stop talking to him And he treats me nastier. I'M trying really hard to find employment so I can get it together and leave but my boys will never leave their Dad so What to do? I have a Mom that feels I should just find a job keep my head down until my boys are out of high school but I don't know if I'm strong enough!
furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2014 at 11:12 AM
1 mom liked this

 Your children are young so I do not know that you can vouch for whether they'd never leave their dad or not. I'm sure they want to live in a home where mom isn't treated like dirt. I do not think you should listen to your mother. Your children are learning how to behave by watching their dad. You do not want them to learn this behavior, to think it is acceptable. You need to gather yourself and leave him. It's really scary but you are strong and you can do it. Life will get better. Maybe not right away but it will be so much better without him. Good luck!

Quoting bjjtsmom: I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and Im so exhausted! I married my husband 5years ago after giving birth to two sons Our first when I was 19 straight out of HS the second in the middle of nursing school I didn't finish the He bought a house without me seeing it I was only working part time so I didnt have much $ to contribute so I wasnt told about it until he had already bought it and so We moved in and So it began..... I had our 3rd son a year later and I stayed at home We decided I didnt make enough to cover childcare so I took care of the younger two and the home and I truly thought He valued my position as a stay at home mom and cargiver but I've been yelled at every otherday for thr past five years for any and everything, Im always annoying him when I ask or speak to him and There is always a readon to treat me other than I should be treated or he would want to be talked to I've begged him to stop and It always returns without fail He talks to me nasty then I stop talking to him And he treats me nastier. I'M trying really hard to find employment so I can get it together and leave but my boys will never leave their Dad so What to do? I have a Mom that feels I should just find a job keep my head down until my boys are out of high school but I don't know if I'm strong enough!

 

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2014 at 11:16 AM
1 mom liked this

 Your name isn't even on the accounts?? I'd go to the bank and figure out if your name is on it and if it is I'd take it. I'd take it all and open my own account and put it in there. I'd cancel the credit card if it's in your name. I'd change the locks on your moms house and I'd move on. You've been on and off again for what, 10 years? He cheats on you and treats you shitty. Doesn't even financially provide for you and the kids. Why are you with him?

I think you should listen to some Taylor Swift, "Never getting back together" and make this breakup stick.

Quoting Lisp714:

 Hi,

I was wondering what you ladies thought about whether this situation is abuse? Here's a little of what's been going on ...

My Fiance' and I have a long and complicated story behind our relationship. But here's a quick review. We met through mutual friends when I was 15 years old and he was 16 years old. He really liked me a lot, and I wouldn't give him the time of day. Well after the first year or so, he some how won me over. We dated from the ages of 16 yrs and 17 yrs old up until we were 20 and 21 yrs old. In the 4 1/2 yrs we dated, we went through a LOT of stuff, no one should ever have to go through. But we also became pregnant with our dd when I was 18 yrs old. We were on and off the entire pregnancy and after she was born. He was messing around, and immature. So I moved back into my Moms. Well, we did end up back together and we were up until things were not going good again. Our dd was about 1 1/2 years old then. We stayed broken up for 3 1/2 years then.

Well around 4 years ago, we decided to try again. We eventually moved into our first home together and everything was so great! Well soon, his job wasn't cutting it, and we were having financial issues, so we moved into my Moms house. We're still here now, and it's been almost 2 yrs now. We were only supposed to stay for 1 year. He kept telling me that he was going to making more hrs and more money at his job, but after 3 years there, he didn't do that (he was actually making less money.)

For about the last two months now, things have progressively gotten worst day by day. He has been coming home later, and later. He will get up early morning (3-4 am to leave for work), which is way too early, he never calls me or texts me at work anymore, and if I call him he acts like I'm being such an inconvenience, if he's going to be late from work or go somewhere after work he never calls or texts, he has refused to talk to me about any of the issues we've been having too (his excuse is that he hasn't figured everything he wants to say in his own head.) Well to me, that's bull!! We are engaged and have two children together. There shouldn't be anything to think about! Just today I asked him if he still wants to be together, he wouldn't answer and told me he'd talk to me when our kids went to bed. That never happened!! Oh, I forgot I also gave him my engagement ring back, the same day that I originally tried to have a discussion about where our relationship and family was going. I didn't do it out of anger, I did it because I know that he didn't ask me from his heart, he asked me to marry him over 2 years ago and it was because I kept bring it up to him. Not because he chose to. Since then, he hasn't answered me when we'll maybe get married, or if he is excited to, he doesn't show any type of emotions about it at all.

If you were me, what would you do? So far, I'm giving him all his space, I haven't asked him any questions since, and I'm starting to think that he's lying to me, especially about where he's going all these days and hours he's missing from home.

Sorry, I forgot to add the most important parts ... He has all access to our money, I don't have access to our checking/saving account, even my own cc he has, and has had it for almost a yr., he gives me money (maybe $20-40 once a week), he makes all the important decisions, he doesn't allow me to have access to anything financially (he says that I will spend all of our money, and he doesn't trust me.) I even had NO car for over 8 months before, and that's happened numerous times as well.

 

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2014 at 11:18 AM

 I hope you are doing well with your new baby and remaining strong in your seperation. You don't need him back!

Quoting brookerenee45: Hi- I really appreciate you sharing this info. I have been married for a lil over 6 yrs with my current DH. He has been abusive for most of it and never truly look at it. I guess because I was so caught up and was in denial that a such thing can happen to me. That I allow happen! I'm a nurse I see things as my situation all the time in ER. I talk and encouragin them to walk away. Yet it was so hard for me! I just recently separated from my DH. After goin into premature labor and him hurting me kinda bad. This is still hard for me. Because I love him and can see his potential. Breaks my heart and what it is young to our children. Anyhow sorry for babbling so much.

 

HerSmile
by New Member on Apr. 8, 2014 at 5:27 PM

Hello earthangel1967.  I am sorry that you and your kids went through that abuse.  It is sad that some women believe that they can fix or change a man if he is abusive to them.  I am glad that you was able to get you and your kids out of that situation.

HerSmile
by New Member on Apr. 8, 2014 at 5:46 PM

Why would you go back into such an abusive relationship.  A man does not love you if he puts his hands on you to hurt you or put you down.  You do not need a man like that in your life nor your kids life.  That is not the example to set for your kids.  You are a woman, be strong, if not for yourself then for your kids.  There are really good men in this world that would not hurt a woman that would love her and treat their woman with love and respect.

HerSmile
by New Member on Apr. 8, 2014 at 6:11 PM
1 mom liked this


I have read your post and for the life of me can not figure why would go back into that situation after the 2nd break up.  This is a clear sign that he does not want to be with you.  He is secretive and is keeping all of the money and cc and you have nothing but 20-40 dollars that he gives you, really? You are not a kid.  You have every right to the finances just like him.  If I were you I would leave him alone, change the locks, open up my own bank accounts, and cancel the ccs that he has of mine and get new ones and start living life for me and my kids.  According to your post you are a convience to him.  Turn him loose.
Quoting Lisp714:

 Hi,

I was wondering what you ladies thought about whether this situation is abuse? Here's a little of what's been going on ...

My Fiance' and I have a long and complicated story behind our relationship. But here's a quick review. We met through mutual friends when I was 15 years old and he was 16 years old. He really liked me a lot, and I wouldn't give him the time of day. Well after the first year or so, he some how won me over. We dated from the ages of 16 yrs and 17 yrs old up until we were 20 and 21 yrs old. In the 4 1/2 yrs we dated, we went through a LOT of stuff, no one should ever have to go through. But we also became pregnant with our dd when I was 18 yrs old. We were on and off the entire pregnancy and after she was born. He was messing around, and immature. So I moved back into my Moms. Well, we did end up back together and we were up until things were not going good again. Our dd was about 1 1/2 years old then. We stayed broken up for 3 1/2 years then.

Well around 4 years ago, we decided to try again. We eventually moved into our first home together and everything was so great! Well soon, his job wasn't cutting it, and we were having financial issues, so we moved into my Moms house. We're still here now, and it's been almost 2 yrs now. We were only supposed to stay for 1 year. He kept telling me that he was going to making more hrs and more money at his job, but after 3 years there, he didn't do that (he was actually making less money.)

For about the last two months now, things have progressively gotten worst day by day. He has been coming home later, and later. He will get up early morning (3-4 am to leave for work), which is way too early, he never calls me or texts me at work anymore, and if I call him he acts like I'm being such an inconvenience, if he's going to be late from work or go somewhere after work he never calls or texts, he has refused to talk to me about any of the issues we've been having too (his excuse is that he hasn't figured everything he wants to say in his own head.) Well to me, that's bull!! We are engaged and have two children together. There shouldn't be anything to think about! Just today I asked him if he still wants to be together, he wouldn't answer and told me he'd talk to me when our kids went to bed. That never happened!! Oh, I forgot I also gave him my engagement ring back, the same day that I originally tried to have a discussion about where our relationship and family was going. I didn't do it out of anger, I did it because I know that he didn't ask me from his heart, he asked me to marry him over 2 years ago and it was because I kept bring it up to him. Not because he chose to. Since then, he hasn't answered me when we'll maybe get married, or if he is excited to, he doesn't show any type of emotions about it at all.

If you were me, what would you do? So far, I'm giving him all his space, I haven't asked him any questions since, and I'm starting to think that he's lying to me, especially about where he's going all these days and hours he's missing from home.

Sorry, I forgot to add the most important parts ... He has all access to our money, I don't have access to our checking/saving account, even my own cc he has, and has had it for almost a yr., he gives me money (maybe $20-40 once a week), he makes all the important decisions, he doesn't allow me to have access to anything financially (he says that I will spend all of our money, and he doesn't trust me.) I even had NO car for over 8 months before, and that's happened numerous times as well.


HerSmile
by New Member on Apr. 8, 2014 at 6:30 PM


Some say that psychological abuse is worse than physical abuse because with physical abuse, the injuries will heal.  Psychological abuse happens in the mind and you play back what was said over and over again.  Abuse is abuse and what you are going through is abuse.  YOu really need to remove you and your kids out of that situation.  If you don't your sons will think that it is normal to treat women the way that their dad is treating you and therefore would treat women the same.  I don't want to say don't listen to your mom, but your mom is rally giving you some really bad advice.  That is why so many women look weak when it comes to abuse.  Don't put your head down and just go with the flow.  Hold your head up high and go make a life for you and your kids.  It will be ok, I promise.
Quoting bjjtsmom: I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and Im so exhausted! I married my husband 5years ago after giving birth to two sons Our first when I was 19 straight out of HS the second in the middle of nursing school I didn't finish the He bought a house without me seeing it I was only working part time so I didnt have much $ to contribute so I wasnt told about it until he had already bought it and so We moved in and So it began..... I had our 3rd son a year later and I stayed at home We decided I didnt make enough to cover childcare so I took care of the younger two and the home and I truly thought He valued my position as a stay at home mom and cargiver but I've been yelled at every otherday for thr past five years for any and everything, Im always annoying him when I ask or speak to him and There is always a readon to treat me other than I should be treated or he would want to be talked to I've begged him to stop and It always returns without fail He talks to me nasty then I stop talking to him And he treats me nastier. I'M trying really hard to find employment so I can get it together and leave but my boys will never leave their Dad so What to do? I have a Mom that feels I should just find a job keep my head down until my boys are out of high school but I don't know if I'm strong enough!


Lisp714
by Member on Apr. 11, 2014 at 1:15 PM
I love it!! lol We have now been broken up for almost 2 weeks or more. I kicked him out yesterday. just after this started I had a really bad pain in my calf. Like a Charlie Horse but it didn't go away. I went to the ER and they found a blood clot!! So I'm home since yesterday, and after learning more, having just me time and thinking a lot. I'm NOT GOING TO WASTE THE NEXT 12 years on him!!!

oh, and I LOVE TAYLER SWIFT!!! I actually gave been blasting that all day last night!! how funny you said this!!

no I'm not on his account, but I gave my cc back and I'm ready to move on with my life(:

thank you for your advice(: i appreciate this!!


Quoting furbabymum:

 Your name isn't even on the accounts?? I'd go to the bank and figure out if your name is on it and if it is I'd take it. I'd take it all and open my own account and put it in there. I'd cancel the credit card if it's in your name. I'd change the locks on your moms house and I'd move on. You've been on and off again for what, 10 years? He cheats on you and treats you shitty. Doesn't even financially provide for you and the kids. Why are you with him?


I think you should listen to some Taylor Swift, "Never getting back together" and make this breakup stick.


Quoting Lisp714:

 Hi,


I was wondering what you ladies thought about whether this situation is abuse? Here's a little of what's been going on ...


My Fiance' and I have a long and complicated story behind our relationship. But here's a quick review. We met through mutual friends when I was 15 years old and he was 16 years old. He really liked me a lot, and I wouldn't give him the time of day. Well after the first year or so, he some how won me over. We dated from the ages of 16 yrs and 17 yrs old up until we were 20 and 21 yrs old. In the 4 1/2 yrs we dated, we went through a LOT of stuff, no one should ever have to go through. But we also became pregnant with our dd when I was 18 yrs old. We were on and off the entire pregnancy and after she was born. He was messing around, and immature. So I moved back into my Moms. Well, we did end up back together and we were up until things were not going good again. Our dd was about 1 1/2 years old then. We stayed broken up for 3 1/2 years then.


Well around 4 years ago, we decided to try again. We eventually moved into our first home together and everything was so great! Well soon, his job wasn't cutting it, and we were having financial issues, so we moved into my Moms house. We're still here now, and it's been almost 2 yrs now. We were only supposed to stay for 1 year. He kept telling me that he was going to making more hrs and more money at his job, but after 3 years there, he didn't do that (he was actually making less money.)


For about the last two months now, things have progressively gotten worst day by day. He has been coming home later, and later. He will get up early morning (3-4 am to leave for work), which is way too early, he never calls me or texts me at work anymore, and if I call him he acts like I'm being such an inconvenience, if he's going to be late from work or go somewhere after work he never calls or texts, he has refused to talk to me about any of the issues we've been having too (his excuse is that he hasn't figured everything he wants to say in his own head.) Well to me, that's bull!! We are engaged and have two children together. There shouldn't be anything to think about! Just today I asked him if he still wants to be together, he wouldn't answer and told me he'd talk to me when our kids went to bed. That never happened!! Oh, I forgot I also gave him my engagement ring back, the same day that I originally tried to have a discussion about where our relationship and family was going. I didn't do it out of anger, I did it because I know that he didn't ask me from his heart, he asked me to marry him over 2 years ago and it was because I kept bring it up to him. Not because he chose to. Since then, he hasn't answered me when we'll maybe get married, or if he is excited to, he doesn't show any type of emotions about it at all.


If you were me, what would you do? So far, I'm giving him all his space, I haven't asked him any questions since, and I'm starting to think that he's lying to me, especially about where he's going all these days and hours he's missing from home.


Sorry, I forgot to add the most important parts ... He has all access to our money, I don't have access to our checking/saving account, even my own cc he has, and has had it for almost a yr., he gives me money (maybe $20-40 once a week), he makes all the important decisions, he doesn't allow me to have access to anything financially (he says that I will spend all of our money, and he doesn't trust me.) I even had NO car for over 8 months before, and that's happened numerous times as well.


 

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