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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Is it Abuse? (A Resource Guide)

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Hi Ladies,

As a future Social Worker, I felt it would be good to have a post in the Love and Marriage group that has information about the different types of abuse - and yes, there is more than just physical abuse.  I have listed some links below, and I hope that everyone will add more resources and /or stories so that we can keep it on top as a primary resource.  Feel free to include resources and information about abuse within an adult relationship, child abuse/neglect, and elder abuse.  It's not a fun topic, but I think it's vital that we have these resources available!

Here are a few links to get us started:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse

http://www.asafeplacenh.org/abuse_types.html (be sure to donload the brochure!)

http://suite101.com/article/different-types-of-abuse-in-love-relationships-a12723

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

http://alzheimers.about.com/od/advocates/a/6_types_abuse.htm

Here's a link to a post in the Babies group for more info about domestic violence: http://www.cafemom.com/group/babies/forums/read/17029403/Dv_info?last#last

by on Jan. 10, 2014 at 11:02 AM
Replies (51-60):
aimesnyc
by Amy on Jun. 6, 2013 at 9:40 AM
1 mom liked this

Sorry for the delay in response - I have been super busy at work.  Yes, it absolutely sounds like abuse.  He is being emotionally manipulative and controlling.  Fighting, name calling, etc in front of the kids is terrible as well.  Not to mention that one day those broken cups may turn into physical/bodily harm.  If you cannot convince him to attend counseling, then get out before it gets worse.  You don't want your kids to think that what you have is a healthy marriage.  Good luck and hugs!


Quoting mossyoakmother:

Iv been married 3 years with two babies. When dh an i fight its a resolt of broken cups, tears, name calling, threats of divorce all in front of the kids. I got the curriage to leave him last year but he said he promises things will be better, so back i went. Im 22 he is 28. Now our dd just turned one, we got into a fight over me buying a new phone. He said "we" agreed to no internet for me and broke his go cup and told my ds 2 (watching the entire thing) that he was not mad at him and to stop crying everything is ok mommy an daddys marriage is broken. I told him i was leaving an he has been kissing ass. He said i can go but just to let you know i wont be their for the kids much, an got a guikr trip. He said its my post pardum depression and i need to be on meds.
Idk if this is abuse or not my family thinks so but iv been in it all my life with my moms bfs after my folks split



Dimples04
by Member on Jun. 22, 2013 at 6:18 PM
2 moms liked this

 I work in a Domestic Violence shelter and if you or someone you know is being abused you need to get help.  ALSO REMEMBER THAT YOUR COMPUTER CAN TELL YOUR ABUSER YOUR PLANS, PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND DELETE ALL INFORMATION THAT YOU LOOK UP IN REFERENCE TO LEAVING OR GETTING HELP.  Violence doesn't know any discrimination.  If you or someone you know needs help PLEASE call the National domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) whoever answers the line can direct you to a local shelter or answer any questions you may have.  Any Shelter is there to help women and child (and some also help male victims) get the counseling and any other help that they need to get through the difficult time.  Abuse can be Emotional abuse (name calling, putting someone down, or controlling who/what they see or do), Physical Abuse (hitting, kicking, biting, anything that causes physical pain), Sexual abuse (can also be from a spouse or otherwise intimate partner when it is a unwanted occurance.)  Leaving your partner is the most dangerous time, wait until he/she is gone and then pack whatever you will need and just leave.   Good Luck and Don't forget that help is never more than a phone call away 24 / 7 / 365.

* To delete your history:  go to control panel, internet options, delete cookies, delete files, delete history.  EVERYTIME!!  
What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.
You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:

·Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.
·Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.
·Tries to isolate you from family or friends.
·Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.
·Does not want you to work.
·Controls finances or refuses to share money.
·Punishes you by withholding affection.
·Expects you to ask permission.
·Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.
·Humiliates you in any way.

You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:
·Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).
·Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or Strangled you.
·Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
·Scared you by driving recklessly.
·Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
·Forced you to leave your home.
·Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving.
·Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
·Hurt your children.
·Used physical force in sexual situations.

You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:
·Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
·Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
·Wants you to dress in a sexual way.
·Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names.
·Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts.
·Held you down during sex.
·Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you.
·Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex.
·Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
·Ignored your feelings regarding sex.

chrisdz
by Member on Jun. 25, 2013 at 11:58 PM

 

Yes It is, and sorry you are going through this! I hope you get custody and ca somehow shw your kids a "normal" life)


 

Quoting julibean72:

I'm a mom of 4 and 2 years ago was told I was a victim of domestic violence. I had been subjected to years and years of control and verbal abuse. I left 3 times and this is the last time. My three older children won't talk to me because their father made our marriage such a huge part of their lives. My 11 year old "gets it", saying she"hates what I did, but loves me". She hates that I left her father. Custody hasn't been established yet but I'm going for full custody hoping that she will heal some from being controlled and verbally abused for years as well. The courts actually don't even recognize verbal abuse, which I think is a crime in and of itself.


 

chrisdz
by Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:14 AM

 

I have the strength, just nt the finances:(Continuing to work torwards a happy healthy future):)))


 

Quoting biancalina20:

I like this. :)

As someone who was in an abusive marriage, it took me a year to leave from when the abuse started (mentally and physically) , I hope women have he strength to say enough is enough.


 

chrisdz
by Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:37 AM
2 moms liked this

 

Sorry, I feel the same way about my hubby...He's Jekyl/Hyde:(

And from what you describe, pretty much the same...I have fibromyalgia,and chronic fatigue, and he is the bread winner( expects me up with him,dinner on time,etc...) Tonight he was 2 hours late, and expected me to get up and warm his food.LOL!!!

Always right, better, sicker, in more pain,etc,etc...Poor Baby!!!

IMO, If we are all of a sudden "not good enough", it's because they want something else. And I'm not looking to hurt you. Just the way I feel(my own relationship), and I have been struggling far too long. Even suggested to the court system a mental eval because I think he may be Bipolar...Cuz I really don't think he beleives he is wrong(the way he was raised), I also considered mid-life crisis, but bottom line...He's an ASS!

banging head into wallfrustratedshake handhugs

Quoting tata113:

arguing Well, where to begin.... Been together spouse for almost 7 years.. married 6 1/2. I could get into his bio, but short and sweet, his mom and him never good relationship, his father.....  An outstanding amiable man! ok so know your wheels turning, your grasping some personality characteristics. Anyways, he has always been, right, better, spent more, sicker, done more ect. He deliberately says things to hurt my feelings, hateful things, and not just one thing he will continue on to the point he had told our oldest daughter(5) liking her in her eyes"I hate your mother"! We have 4children under 5, or oldest cold 911about 3months ago because how he was taking to me, my 4yr old son greeted the officer asking if he was taking his dad to jail for being mean to mommy and calling mommy names. 

Here is the quest part, I fell not long ago and broke my back..... from t12-L3 BURST COMPRESSION FRACTURE, AND L5 burst commissionCOMPRESSION fracture, also completely herniated my s1. So not only bad then, but now I am wasted space,"not even with it" mind u, I only started in hospital 2days! Dr s even impressed, I have babies to take care of,I am a strong woman! I have not spent 1single day in "bed rest" I get up every day with tears sweat and sometimes nausea fighting because my children give me that strength and God is good! I never took life for granted, and I sure in the neck not about to now.

I am still in love with my husband, I can't believe how he treats me, it's like he thinks he should just have to go to work literally! always been like that, I never get to pick a show to watch, for that matter he thinks I over text when me and children at dinner table and hurt locker is on.

  I guess ultimately what I need to hear is it gets better, maybe he can't handle seeing me hurt? Maybe he is afraid of what could have happened? Or maybe he has some skeletons in his closet....He use to console, visit laugh, ask if I wanted to watch something, he'll even a kill love u now on a bill device. Now he is consumed with himself, the gym, running, his creatine, whey, muscle mass, how bug his arms look, wearing tighter shirts, complaining about everything, EVERYTHING I SAY OR DO. Very pessimistic, only wants to pay attention to me if we having fornication, (yes broken back stakes, brace and all guilt trip me and threat) already 4x, it's been 3weeks since surgery..... Somebody please help. I don't get it...... Feel free to get personal, if u think u can help me, at least dry some tears, by all means


 

chrisdz
by Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:49 AM
1 mom liked this

 And let m guess, It's your fult hegets angry?(same here)Throwing things is a way to scare you, Intimdation, because he wants you to fear him( It's not your anger you need to be snapped out of  it's his). And My hubby does the same, always gets the last word(usually  quite a few, then ends the converation and walks away). He learned this trick in counseling(as a cool down),using it now for more control!!!

And he hasn't hit you, Yet. Be Careful!!! I still love my husband too...

shake handhugs


Quoting all-4-them:

I don't know if my situation is considered abuse. Last night we got into an argument and I said a few things that weren't very nice pushing his buttons getting him angry. At one point he threw the remote across the room shattering it. He usually throws things or punches things during fights. He's never hit me. After a few minutes of fighting he got up.. leaned over me (I was sitting on the couch next to folded laundry) put his face inches away from mine and started throwing clothes in my face. Afterwards he said he did it to snap me out of my anger. He also will talk for hours and hours until he feels he's gotten his point across.


 

biancalina20
by Bianca Lina on Jun. 26, 2013 at 8:20 PM
1 mom liked this
This is one of the top reasons why women stay with abusive husbands. Usually the wife is a Stay at home mom or a mom who works very little. Since you don't have your own money and therefore you stay and try to "forgive" but then the cycle starts again. I was in the same situation. I wasn't working and it was very hard for me to leave. I left when I finally got called for a job. If I didn't get called for that job then I was going to try to stay with family until I got on my own feet. I really hope you can get there and you don't stay in that kind of marriage. Things could get worse. Good Luck. Don't give up.
Quoting chrisdz:

 

I have the strength, just nt the finances:(Continuing to work torwards a happy healthy future):)))


 

Quoting biancalina20:

I like this. :)

As someone who was in an abusive marriage, it took me a year to leave from when the abuse started (mentally and physically) , I hope women have he strength to say enough is enough.


 

Eruzin
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 1:36 PM

I was in an abusive relationship once. I didn't get beaten but it was progressing to that point. It started out really good but it began to go sour fairly fast. He refused to work. He smoked marijuana. All the time. He could go without cigarettes but if he was out of his pot - look out! Knives were plunged into walls. Dishes were broken. Before I knew it I had become just as abusive as he was being. It's funny how we never look for the psychological abuse in relationships. Or the emotional abuse. This type we almost accept in our culture and shrug it off. It is so imperative that we, as women, decide immediately what our red flags are and listen to our gut feeling when it's telling us something isn't right.

Eruzin
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 1:39 PM

This is most definitely abuse. Anything that doesn't serve to build you up and show you love and respect is abuse. Just look at what you're going through: threats, violence, broken promises, absolute control over money, put downs... How does any of that show love? Tenderness? Caring? Respect? How does any of that honor you or your children?

I hope you do leave his sorry butt. And if he has nothing to do with the kids, then all the better - less opportunity for them to learn his abusive ways.


Quoting mossyoakmother:

Iv been married 3 years with two babies. When dh an i fight its a resolt of broken cups, tears, name calling, threats of divorce all in front of the kids. I got the curriage to leave him last year but he said he promises things will be better, so back i went. Im 22 he is 28. Now our dd just turned one, we got into a fight over me buying a new phone. He said "we" agreed to no internet for me and broke his go cup and told my ds 2 (watching the entire thing) that he was not mad at him and to stop crying everything is ok mommy an daddys marriage is broken. I told him i was leaving an he has been kissing ass. He said i can go but just to let you know i wont be their for the kids much, an got a guikr trip. He said its my post pardum depression and i need to be on meds.
Idk if this is abuse or not my family thinks so but iv been in it all my life with my moms bfs after my folks split



Eruzin
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 1:47 PM

Don't let finances keep you in an unhealthy/unsafe situation. Welfare is there for a reason. They can help support you while you find a job. If you're wanting to go to school they can help you with that as well so that you can go to school and be off welfare while still having funds to live on. Take the hand up and don't look at it as a hand-out.


Quoting chrisdz:


I have the strength, just nt the finances:(Continuing to work torwards a happy healthy future):)))


 

Quoting biancalina20:

I like this. :)

As someone who was in an abusive marriage, it took me a year to leave from when the abuse started (mentally and physically) , I hope women have he strength to say enough is enough.





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