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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Is it Abuse? (A Resource Guide)

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Hi Ladies,

As a future Social Worker, I felt it would be good to have a post in the Love and Marriage group that has information about the different types of abuse - and yes, there is more than just physical abuse.  I have listed some links below, and I hope that everyone will add more resources and /or stories so that we can keep it on top as a primary resource.  Feel free to include resources and information about abuse within an adult relationship, child abuse/neglect, and elder abuse.  It's not a fun topic, but I think it's vital that we have these resources available!

Here are a few links to get us started:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse

http://www.asafeplacenh.org/abuse_types.html (be sure to donload the brochure!)

http://suite101.com/article/different-types-of-abuse-in-love-relationships-a12723

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

http://alzheimers.about.com/od/advocates/a/6_types_abuse.htm

Here's a link to a post in the Babies group for more info about domestic violence: http://www.cafemom.com/group/babies/forums/read/17029403/Dv_info?last#last

by on Jan. 10, 2014 at 11:02 AM
Replies (71-80):
Jellybean1123
by Jocelyn on Oct. 19, 2013 at 1:56 PM
4 moms liked this
My ex and I were together for more than 6 years, the first two years were good. Then things started to get bad when I mentioned that I wanted to go back to work (I hadn't worked for the last 9 months since my little guy was born). He didn't want me to work because it would mean he would have to sacrifice some of his time with his friends to be home with the kids. He started spending more and more time away from us and when he was home all he had to say to me was how worthless I was or how stupid I was. He picked apart everything I did from the way I folded laundry to the way I seasoned dinner. He refused to take care of the kids (for example; the kids and I were all very sick one time. He didn't work that day or the following and I asked him to give our little guy a bath while I cleaned up his bed and washed the sheets that he had just gotten sick all over. He said "I don't want to get puked on" and left the room.). If we were going to the park and I asked him if he would like to go with us he would usually tell me he was too tired from being out late the night before and was going to take a nap. When we would come home from the park he would be out with his friends. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I wasn't allowed to work, I had no friends in the area because the only time I ever left the house was to take the kids to the park or to take my oldest to the bus stop, we didn't even do school or Christmas shopping together (he would go by himself after work and get the bare minimum so he would have plenty of money to spend with his friends). Then one evening I asked him to cut up a slice of pizza for our son while I was getting drinks for everyone he threw the plate at me, hitting me in the arm and asked if I was "f***ing retarded" he had just worked all day and deserved to eat his pizza while it was hot. I called my dad that night after he went to bed. I told my dad I couldn't do it anymore and I needed his help. My dad said he knew and he had just been waiting for me to make the decision to leave. He had a room ready for us at his house a few days later. My ex still tried to control me for a year after I left him. He even tried to take my little one from me. It wasn't until I met my boyfriend that he finally backed down and only then because though my boyfriend has never said anything to him he has made it very clear that he will not tolerate me or the kids being treated that way by anyone.

Though the abuse I suffered never became physical until the night I decided to leave him, I felt worthless. He had me convinced that I was stupid and a horrible mother who didn't even deserve my children. I've come a long way since then though with the love and support of my boyfriend and parents. I finally feel like me again. My heart goes out to everyone who has suffered any form of abuse and to those still suffering.
gramma1sews
by on Oct. 25, 2013 at 10:11 PM

Hello, can you tell me if this a form of abuse? been married for 45 years I am a 62 homemaker, I was a stay at home mom, son is grown and married and has two toddlers his wife works while he stays home an takes care of the kids, he lives on the west coast, and we live in the east, we do skypes on the TV, when we do these videos only for the past two years, husband thinks that he is retired at 63 living off of ira's, anyway lately when we do the skypes husband has been involving our son into our disagreements so then my son seems to take sides with his dad. I think that this is not right? because then son won't let me see grandchildren. so I have tried to talk with DH about this, and the only answer that he gives is I should let the family know what is going on meaning what? So should husband be complaining to son about our relationship at all. is this a form of abuse? oh yeah, DH calls me names and tells me that I am nuts all the time and says that the money he makes is his and since I do not work that I owe him, never says sorry about anything he says or does, and always says that he is normal when he starts argument's, when we have disagreements he has his say and then walks away, then I am left feeling sad and depressed and isolated for days, don't consider seeing someone because I have no money and he will not see anyone either, so I feel trapped, is this normal for what he should be doing?  or am I being to sensitive? Thank you..

Saurusmom8
by on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:50 PM
2 moms liked this
I want to mention the abuse that underlines it all.. mental and emotional abuse.

I have been really healing from some things and I see so much..

ANY physical threat is mental and emotional abuse. Even if it was followed by a "just kidding".. its harmful. I have met someone who is so kind to me and really has shed light on how I should be treated. He is a real friend and I from this season in my life will never settle for anything less than what this guy has been to me.

I have become a better mother, friend and caretaker because I took a step back after a few repeats of past behaviors from men I have met and decided I and my son were worth every effot to heal. Does it feel lonely and vulnerable? Yes. But its also made me more compassionate and empathetic to others who are vulnerable is areas of their own lives. I feel a sense of desire to see others rise up out of adversity and truly find their value again.

After my last dating experience.. I was done and finally angry enough to see I wasn't going to focus on the abuser and be victimized.. I was going to look at myself and be empowered.

I have had more approaches from the same behavior patterns but thankfully can step back and see it.

If you open up an area of concern to you to someone and get punished for that.. its abusive. Its disrespect. You should never have to have your life threatened because of a fear expressed.. you deserve to be communicated with.

Its isolating. Abusive behavior always masks itself behind vulnerability. It feeds off of exposing others weakness to deflect from their own. If an abuser can convince the world your crazy and discredit you, then they feel they can corner you and make you powerless. Its mental and emotional. A really healthy person can confront honestly and brings clarity not confusion.

I simply go to the Love chapters in the Bible and compare my own and others remarks to that..what isn't upheld by those standards must go. Its been a work in progress. But my sons future depends on mom being honest, being brave and being ttrreated well.

You cannot give what you do not have. Get healing and empower others on their journey. :)
Saurusmom8
by on Nov. 19, 2013 at 11:57 PM
1 mom liked this
I decided with the help of God that I am allowed to be included in my own life. I am invited and have a place in the world too.

For so long from my past messages I have thought it wasn't true.. It is. Life isn't all about me.. but it does include me and I am happy to see that.

Abusive behavior can never take responsibility. Spirtual abuse is also very real. Using God and faith to keep others oppressed, and controlled.

Not okay.

I would like to hear more on these forms. Mental, emotional and spiritual. Its interesting how most emotional abuse is considered "normal".. its almost unacceptable to be sincere now. I find that interesting.
Lisp714
by Member on Nov. 25, 2013 at 2:37 AM
2 moms liked this

God Bless you & Your children!! My Mom was stuck in a marriage with my Father too. He was emotionally, mentally abusive to her. As well as physical with my Brothers. 

It took her 17 years of marriage to make it out.  


Quoting earthangel1967:

Thank you... in my first marriage  (if thats what you want to call it ughhh) of 16 yrs I was abused and didnt realize it for a long time. I also kept thinking I could fix him and that if I couldnt "I" was a failure and felt guilty and had to try harder  ... I regret marrying him and I regret not leaving him much much sooner ... it was sooo shocking and so sad when of my 4 kids my two young teens (the oldest 2 ASKED me t leave him)I had thought my kidswould hate me if I left their dad, plus I had no money nowhere to go and no employability skills, they told me they didnt care, they said even living in a shelter would be better .... I left him within 1 hour of them confronting me that way and it was the best thing I ever did.... me and all the kids went thru 2 years of intense poverty once I left but we were close knit and a team and then our lives became better than we'd ever hoped and dreamed and we've been beyond happy ever since. : D

Sometimes divorce is a blessing and NOT a bad thing!


 

owlfeather919
by Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:12 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you for sharing. Abuse in every form happens all the time. This is a great topic to bring to light. I read some of the stories on here, and thank you ladies for sharing, that takes so much courage. If any of you on here are in an abusive relationship, read some of the links. There are people to help. No judgements, as I know it is hard to leave someone we love. Please just take a minute to read some of the stories and check out the links.
owlfeather919
by Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:15 AM
That is so wonderful! That took so much courage to leave. I am so happy for you and your children. Thank you for sharing:)

Quoting Lisp714:

God Bless you & Your children!! My Mom was stuck in a marriage with my Father too. He was emotionally, mentally abusive to her. As well as physical with my Brothers. 


It took her 17 years of marriage to make it out.  




Quoting earthangel1967:


Thank you... in my first marriage  (if thats what you want to call it ughhh) of 16 yrs I was abused and didnt realize it for a long time. I also kept thinking I could fix him and that if I couldnt "I" was a failure and felt guilty and had to try harder  ... I regret marrying him and I regret not leaving him much much sooner ... it was sooo shocking and so sad when of my 4 kids my two young teens (the oldest 2 ASKED me t leave him)I had thought my kidswould hate me if I left their dad, plus I had no money nowhere to go and no employability skills, they told me they didnt care, they said even living in a shelter would be better .... I left him within 1 hour of them confronting me that way and it was the best thing I ever did.... me and all the kids went thru 2 years of intense poverty once I left but we were close knit and a team and then our lives became better than we'd ever hoped and dreamed and we've been beyond happy ever since. : D


Sometimes divorce is a blessing and NOT a bad thing!




 

owlfeather919
by Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:25 AM
If DH is calling you names, and saying he makes all the money, I would feel this is emotional abuse and triangulation talking to your son about your relationship issues. Good luck honey, and maybe the two of you could go to therapy together. Also check out the links provided:)

Quoting gramma1sews:

Hello, can you tell me if this a form of abuse? been married for 45 years I am a 62 homemaker, I was a stay at home mom, son is grown and married and has two toddlers his wife works while he stays home an takes care of the kids, he lives on the west coast, and we live in the east, we do skypes on the TV, when we do these videos only for the past two years, husband thinks that he is retired at 63 living off of ira's, anyway lately when we do the skypes husband has been involving our son into our disagreements so then my son seems to take sides with his dad. I think that this is not right? because then son won't let me see grandchildren. so I have tried to talk with DH about this, and the only answer that he gives is I should let the family know what is going on meaning what? So should husband be complaining to son about our relationship at all. is this a form of abuse? oh yeah, DH calls me names and tells me that I am nuts all the time and says that the money he makes is his and since I do not work that I owe him, never says sorry about anything he says or does, and always says that he is normal when he starts argument's, when we have disagreements he has his say and then walks away, then I am left feeling sad and depressed and isolated for days, don't consider seeing someone because I have no money and he will not see anyone either, so I feel trapped, is this normal for what he should be doing?  or am I being to sensitive? Thank you..

candy558
by New Member on Jan. 15, 2014 at 4:15 PM

some social worker  assume  is always the man fault, they  should study the case  more closely, some crazy woman's play victim. what a  waste for dose true woman's who are really victims  

aimesnyc
by Amy on Jan. 15, 2014 at 4:20 PM

It doesn't matter who is at fault.  No one should be abused: verbally, emotionally or physically; male or female.

Quoting candy558:

some social worker  assume  is always the man fault, they  should study the case  more closely, some crazy woman's play victim. what a  waste for dose true woman's who are really victims  


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