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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Is it a little much or am I wrong???

Posted by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 2:24 PM
  • 13 Replies

 So me and my DF have been going through a whole lot of ups and downs, from jealousy, controlling, verbal insults and such. We have a 3 1/2 year old together and for the past 2 days things were ok until for some reason last night he started with a slight attitude not much just a face after he had gotten off the computer I asked him what was wrong and he said "nothing ppl can just be funny" so I questioned what he meant by it cause to me it sounded a bit sarcastic. He shook his head as if it was nothing. We have been together for 5 years on and off actual together time about 3 1/2 years without cheating on him. He has accused me of cheating by speaking with other guys and thinking i was flirting with other guys. The times we were not together I did talk and be with 2 other guys as he did the same with various other females. Now because of what I had done while we were NOT together, he feels he can not trust me. He said that I am a liar because he asked me ilastnight if there was anything that i have done to make him upset. So back to the point, last night after we went to bed he got up and stayed up and i went to bed. This morning when he woke up for work, I woke up because of him jumping out the bed. He told me to look at the computer, go to find out he hacked into my FB and emails. Now I have nothing to hide so its not a big deal that he tried snooping. What is bothering me is that he couldnt trust my words and just believe me. So all he found was messages from me to my friends and family about the issues I had going on with and without him. I understand a lil on why he is mad because our business should be our business yes indeed but he wont allow me to go to counseling so who am I to talk to to try to get advice and/or let things off my chest. I have depression and anxiety which causes a lot emotional damage and stress on top of things we are going through and makes the feeling of whatever we may be going through a lot more than it is. IDK is any of this wrong?? whether its my side or his? Maybe its just something else that I am taking to far than what it is? I tried speaking to him but not a word from him.

by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 2:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Luv.My.Kidz
by Bronze Member on Jul. 5, 2012 at 2:27 PM
Honey this is not a healthy relationship at all.....
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
AyjahsMom
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 2:33 PM

 

Quoting Luv.My.Kidz:

Honey this is not a healthy relationship at all.....

 Yea that's what I was thinking. I just dont know what to do anymore. Sometimes the feeling of giving up everything sounds so good but then I think of my daughter and rethink to myself. But with the stress I get from him and the stress from my daughter mixed is way to much for me. It gets me feeling like im on the breaking point. Sorry I'm just really stressed and confused.

fostermomoftwo
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 2:34 PM

sounds like a lot of work. You did nothing wrong, alot of times i found that the accusee is the one who is doing the extramarital stuff..they think cause their doing it, your doing it and it makes them become paranoid...sorry to say..

You guys def need counseling or hes going to end up making you resent him and push you away completely.

Lachrymose
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 2:37 PM

:/  It's not like you're airing your business out to anyone and everyone and completely out in the public, etc.  I see nothing wrong with venting or asking for advice, etc. ESPECIALLY when you have no where else to go or anyone else to talk to.  It's healthy to vent.  Unhealthy not to.  Stress, etc. can turn into physical issues.  I know this first hand.  It sucks. 

Does he talk to people about stuff at all?  Like at work etc?  If not, how does he let off steam or de-stress?   I wish I had advice about how to talk to him or get him to understand.  I do understand that some people are just private.  DH is like that.  But he fully understands that I need to de-stress. 

I also know some people get a little offended or hurt that their SO is even needing to talk about this stuff to other people because they feel they are failing at their relationship or as a person, etc.  You could tell him that this is not the case at all and see if that is a part of it.. ?

PinkHairMAMA
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 2:39 PM
2 moms liked this
What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
AyjahsMom
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 2:46 PM

 

Quoting Lachrymose:

:/  It's not like you're airing your business out to anyone and everyone and completely out in the public, etc.  I see nothing wrong with venting or asking for advice, etc. ESPECIALLY when you have no where else to go or anyone else to talk to.  It's healthy to vent.  Unhealthy not to.  Stress, etc. can turn into physical issues.  I know this first hand.  It sucks. 

Does he talk to people about stuff at all?  Like at work etc?  If not, how does he let off steam or de-stress?   I wish I had advice about how to talk to him or get him to understand.  I do understand that some people are just private.  DH is like that.  But he fully understands that I need to de-stress. 

I also know some people get a little offended or hurt that their SO is even needing to talk about this stuff to other people because they feel they are failing at their relationship or as a person, etc.  You could tell him that this is not the case at all and see if that is a part of it.. ?

 See his way of expressing himself is mostly holding it in til it all blows up and becomes this huge argument and a complete mess, he has talked to others like co worker and brothers about a few situations. I have tried telling him that I dont do it cause of any specific reason but that I do it cause i need to let it out, he still doesnt understand.

AyjahsMom
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 2:50 PM

 

Quoting fostermomoftwo:

sounds like a lot of work. You did nothing wrong, alot of times i found that the accusee is the one who is doing the extramarital stuff..they think cause their doing it, your doing it and it makes them become paranoid...sorry to say..

You guys def need counseling or hes going to end up making you resent him and push you away completely.

 Exactly, he has done that before. But this time idt he is cause all he does is go to work and stay home. I have already tried telling him about counseling and he feels all they will do is try to take our daughter away but meanwhile if we dont go for counseling it may just lead to things getting out of control then turning to us losing her. He has pushed me away to the extent to that I am starting to change tremendously towards him because of the constant turn off it causes.

AyjahsMom
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 2:52 PM

 

Quoting PinkHairMAMA:

What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

 True, Its just so hard when its actually being done. (leaving that is)

fostermomoftwo
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 3:11 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting AyjahsMom:

 

Quoting fostermomoftwo:

sounds like a lot of work. You did nothing wrong, alot of times i found that the accusee is the one who is doing the extramarital stuff..they think cause their doing it, your doing it and it makes them become paranoid...sorry to say..

You guys def need counseling or hes going to end up making you resent him and push you away completely.

 Exactly, he has done that before. But this time idt he is cause all he does is go to work and stay home. I have already tried telling him about counseling and he feels all they will do is try to take our daughter away but meanwhile if we dont go for counseling it may just lead to things getting out of control then turning to us losing her. He has pushed me away to the extent to that I am starting to change tremendously towards him because of the constant turn off it causes.

okay thats a lame excuse on his part.

i would give him options... lay it all on the table.

1. you leave him, you cannot go on living like this..

2. he goes to counseling with you and does his best to work on it

and of course theres always staying how it is right now and being miserable forever which is what sounds like he choose. up to you but you shouldnt wait around for him to decide if your going to be happy or miserable.

lucky to have the best husband in the world

Lachrymose
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 3:41 PM


Quoting AyjahsMom:

 

Quoting Lachrymose:

:/  It's not like you're airing your business out to anyone and everyone and completely out in the public, etc.  I see nothing wrong with venting or asking for advice, etc. ESPECIALLY when you have no where else to go or anyone else to talk to.  It's healthy to vent.  Unhealthy not to.  Stress, etc. can turn into physical issues.  I know this first hand.  It sucks. 

Does he talk to people about stuff at all?  Like at work etc?  If not, how does he let off steam or de-stress?   I wish I had advice about how to talk to him or get him to understand.  I do understand that some people are just private.  DH is like that.  But he fully understands that I need to de-stress. 

I also know some people get a little offended or hurt that their SO is even needing to talk about this stuff to other people because they feel they are failing at their relationship or as a person, etc.  You could tell him that this is not the case at all and see if that is a part of it.. ?

 See his way of expressing himself is mostly holding it in til it all blows up and becomes this huge argument and a complete mess, he has talked to others like co worker and brothers about a few situations. I have tried telling him that I dont do it cause of any specific reason but that I do it cause i need to let it out, he still doesnt understand.

The blowing up sounds all too familiar.  I've learned to talk about things, even the littlest things that may seem insignificant at the time, when they first start to bother me.  I do take a minute to compose myself so I don't blurt it out the wrong way.. lol.. but I find that this helps a lot.  Kind of like poking a vent hole in something that you are cooking in the microwave.. letting out a little steam little by little so it doesn't explode all over the place.  Because it does get messy!!  ;)

But changing does take some time.  It's not an immediate thing.  I saw that others are recommending counseling and you said that he's worried about getting your daughter taken away.. if there is no actual harm being caused, I don't see anything like that happening.  But I can understand the fear.. especially the fear of talking to someone "official" about your private stuff.  Guys tend to find it harder to do this.  My husband refused it for a while and actually just started going without any intention of opening up.. but those people are trained to kind of gently pry you open.  lol.  Next thing he knows, he is feeling better that he went and realizing that therapy is actually a good thing.   Now he looks forward to it.  He knows that it means he won't take it out on me.  

But I know.. easier said than done.. getting a guy to go, I mean.  :/ 

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