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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Am I being selfish?

Posted by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:23 PM
  • 14 Replies

I am 26 and I have been with my fiance for 8 years now. We have two kids together, both girls, 6 & 4 years old. My fiance in terms of being a father is pretty decent. It took him a while to get into the father role, but he's seem to be doing pretty well. So, him as a father to my girls.. not an issue at all. He loves them. The issue is him as my fiance, partner, and lover. 

Its been almost 5 years since we've had our last child and thats really when my issue with him began. He's not intimate with me any more. He never holds my hand, hugs me, kisses me, or even has sex with me. If we have sex its once every 2-3 months. It has been like this for almost 5 years. I can't even remember feeling loved by a man let alone remember how to kiss a man. Now my self esteem has shot to hell and i feel all insecure thinking what is wrong with me. I wouldn't say that i am the hottest chick around, but i believe that i am still attractive. I did get some stretch marks from pregnancy and he says he doesn't care about those, but yet he's still not affectionate and intimate with me. When i go to kiss or hug him.. he always backs away from me. I know he's not cheating on me, so what am I left to do? I have tried everything from dressing sexy, attempting to entice him in every way possible. NOTHING WORKS!!

Now because this has been going on for so long, I feel like i'm at my breaking point. How long does a woman have to go feeling unwanted by her man? I don't want to cheat on him and be the bad person in the story. I am so desperate,  I wish all the time that he'd cheat on me so that i'd have a way out. I've tried to be open with him about all this and he just tells me that i'm being a baby and need to get over it.

I want to leave him. This has become a very big issue to me.  The kids are the ones that are keeping me with him. I would feel bad for having to make the kids suffer because of me and my feelings. If i were to leave, i'd let him see the kids anytime he wants. I just don't want to be part of his life anymore. So would me leaving him and taking the kids with me be selfish?

by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
abigailesmommy
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:26 PM

Do you have any religious preferences? It would make a difference in my response. Have you guys gone to counseling? 

DarlaHood
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:26 PM
2 moms liked this

He needs a physical. Have him get his testosterone levels checked. And once you know everything is up to par and deal with any physcial issues, then a sex therapist or marriage counselor with that skill set would be your next step. 

waitWHAT
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:27 PM
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I'm sorry that's really heartbreaking. I am a firm believer that people shouldn't stay together just because of the children. If your unhappy then do something about it... It's not selfish.

Best wishes.
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Mehwa
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:29 PM

I am not a religious person. Religion hasn't been very big in my life. We have not tried counsling either. 

Mehwa
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:30 PM

I've actually considered this before. I heard that some men, even at a young age have low testosterone levels. He's the same age as me so it is odd for him to have no sex drive.

EastCoastMom78
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:35 PM
1 mom liked this

 No you aren't being selfish at all. Intimacy is part of a relationship. Maybe his testosterone levels are low. I know being married for close to 10 years now our sex life has changed some. We had more when we were dating. But it is because he is working long hours and tired. If he has completely cut you off I would be questioning him too. If you are unhappy then maybe it is time for you to leave. Just make sure you can support your children and yourself. Maybe start saving for a rainy day so you will have something you can live on. Good luck to you.

CameronsMommy23
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:37 PM
I agree. Big hugs!! Keep trying anything and everything before you decide to call it quits.

Quoting DarlaHood:

He needs a physical. Have him get his testosterone levels checked. And once you know everything is up to par and deal with any physcial issues, then a sex therapist or marriage counselor with that skill set would be your next step. 

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busy_mama27
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:55 PM

Well for most people if the partner is unwilling to care about your needs and you try every way you know how and its a deal breaker.... then its usually a sign to move on.  This is up to you.  I view marriage differently.  I believe that my husband was a choice and good, bad, or indifferent we are partners and I would find a way to focus my energy on something positive.  Not everyone can or is willing to do this.

I hate how people find their spouses so disposable.  At the same time, I am empathize with you.  I cant imagine how hard it must me. 

MomToovey
by Marianne on Jul. 10, 2012 at 3:28 PM

 I don't think you're being selfish at all. Intimacy is a very important part of a relationship and he's neglecting that side of you. I'm never one to say leave, so I do have a suggestion just in case you want to give it a try. I think both of you should read the book The Five Love Languages. Basically, the author is a marriage counselor and he believes that we all "speak"  and "understand" love in different "languages" (such as physical touch, acts of service, etc) And to me, it simply sounds like you two speak different languages. This book will help you both pinpoint what each other's language is and help you learn to speak in that language to each other. And perhaps even try counseling for yourselves. This is a fixable problem if you choose to fix it.

However, if one or both of you refuses to change, it may be a sign that it's time to move on. After all, you don't want your children to grow up believing this is what loving relationships look like. Good luck to you.

Mehwa
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 4:20 PM


Quoting MomToovey:

 I don't think you're being selfish at all. Intimacy is a very important part of a relationship and he's neglecting that side of you. I'm never one to say leave, so I do have a suggestion just in case you want to give it a try. I think both of you should read the book The Five Love Languages. Basically, the author is a marriage counselor and he believes that we all "speak"  and "understand" love in different "languages" (such as physical touch, acts of service, etc) And to me, it simply sounds like you two speak different languages. This book will help you both pinpoint what each other's language is and help you learn to speak in that language to each other. And perhaps even try counseling for yourselves. This is a fixable problem if you choose to fix it.

However, if one or both of you refuses to change, it may be a sign that it's time to move on. After all, you don't want your children to grow up believing this is what loving relationships look like. Good luck to you.

I am worried that my girls will grow up thinking that this is what a relationship is like. 

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