My husband is just existing. I am a person who embraces life, while he
sits around for life to happen. I have completely altered who I am in
this relationship to accommodate the "nothing" that we do, and I'm done
living this way. He is a good person - most morally ethical man I've
ever met. He has a great sense of humor, but no one would know it,
because he has no friends and we go nowhere... ever. It's been 10 long
years of acquiescing to his flat-line lifestyle and begging (quite
literally) for us to have a life that isn't solely sitting on the couch
across from each other, on laptops with the TV on. To even go places as a
couple without me being the one who initiates it would be an impossible
dream. I'm done being the instigator of everything that happens in our
world. He's not rude, he just doesn't think to do anything nice for me
or with me, ever. Well, not unless I bitch at him about it - but then
how can I appreciate it if what he does for me is only due to my
repeatedly telling him to???
It's very lonely and boring and depressing. I feel like I got duped - like he presented this completely different person to me when we dated and then swapped that one out with who he is now, post-nuptuals. I even suggested to him that I just do my thing and he does his, and I can go and find someone else to take me out and do things with me, and I'll just leave him home to sit on the couch and watch the kids. He got sad, and that was it. He apologizes profusely, says I'm right, that he'll fix things, and then nothing ever happens. I'm so at a loss here as to what to do to remedy this, it's scary. And no, he doesn't take initiative to fix it. He will take me out one time, and then wait for me to freak out and lose my mind again before any attempt is made to further cultivate our relationship. I seriously don't understand. He seems to not even know he's doing it. He's not depressed, not computer addicted, doesn't watch porn or anything, isn't hooked on anything, he's just... him. And it doesn't really work for me like this. I want someone to suggest we go and do something fun that we've never tried. I would even take him suggesting us do something totally familiar.... but he barely even suggests a trip to Walmart.
And lest you think I'm looking to be wined and dined and taken to Europe or something, I'm not; I'd just like to be an adult who gets to do things with her husband... like maybe go to Outback and a movie ever once in a while instead of every 3 years. I would even love to play Scrabble with him some nights or something like that, after the kids go to sleep. But I initiate EVERYTHING. And I do mean EVERYTHING. I'm tired of it because I feel like I'm BEGGING my husband to spend time with me... and I don't want to spend time with anyone who doesn't want to make the effort to spend time with me, too.
Our relationship is one of roommates that borders on parent/child, with me being the parent. He goes to work and brings home a check, takes out the trash, occasionally does housework when I complain, and that's the extent of it. If there's anything else that needs doing, I do it, including home repair. There is no romantic interaction between us at all. We flirt, but that's as far as it goes. I have no desire to have sex with a man who makes no attempt to spend any time with me at all. I feel like he is a border in this house.
He has no hobbies and no friends. He had boatloads of friends when we met but they've all parted ways since. He has made no effort to make new friends nor find any hobbies.
He is just completely different from
the person he presented himself as before we got married. I would never
have married the person he is now...
I have exhausted all of my options other than counseling, though I have
very little hope that it would help. If there's something I'm missing
here as to how to help my situation, other than just accepting the fact
that in order to be with him I have to either initiate every single
action taken in our lives or just tolerate doing nothing with my life
other than existing, please tell me. I am extremely desperate to have a
loving, life-filled life with my husband and kids... but at this point
I'm planning a divorce when they graduate high school, because I have no
other answers. What I DO know is that if a couple doesn't grow
together, they grow apart...
EXTREMELY sorry this is so long winded. If you've managed to get to this point, thank you for reading...