A little back story. We've been together going on 3 years now. I'm 30w pregnant and we've had a really rough last 8 months. We've been on and off because this pregnancy was unplanned and he had growing up to do. We're currently together, but I'm really not sure what to call him. We were engaged for almost a year before I got pregnant, but that's since been broken off, so I just call him my SO because he doesn't want to be my "boyfriend" and we aren't engaged so... it's confusing to me.
Anyway, lately, he's been on this huge kick and going on and on about leaving the city AND the state. He got robbed recently so he's now flipping out and all of a sudden out (unborn) daughter is unsafe not only in the city, but the entire state.
He's known since we got together in 2009 that I'm very, very close to my family (mom and dad's side and now his family because we've gotten very close over the last 3 years). My mom is honestly my best friend and my dad has several health problems and I don't see him living very long, so naturally, I want to be around them.
The one place he's DEAD set on moving to is his hometown which is 3 hours away from where we are now. His sister lives there and we only see her once a year because it's hard for her to drive that far.
I told him I'm not comfortable with living that far, I'm a young, first time mom and I have tons of family willing to help with the baby as I go back to school and get my degree. It's free daycare and they're all super excited about meeting her. And I'm very excited about having my daughter be as close to her entire family as I am. My mom is in love with this baby and so is my dad, and I don't feel right in my heart taking her away and being away myself!
My dad isn't doing well so I want her around him as much as she can (myself as well).
I told him maybe in the future after I graduate and settle into my career, then maybe we can move an hour away. It would hurt, but I could do it.
That wasn't good enough.
So today, we argued because he told me I don't care about our daughter's safety and I'm being "selfish" because I "want" to live here. I told him he's equally as selfish because he's not only pulling me away from my entire family, but his daughter from her whole family and them from us.
He then drops a bombshell: "So if I want to move to this house I've been looking at in the city 3 hours away you won't go?"
I said no. Honestly, I'm not ready for that and I do not like being that far away from everyone I love. So he said then I guess we're done.
I'm confused and I really don't think I'm doing something wrong. Where we live now we have to pay minimal rent to my mother and we have so much free help with the baby while I go through school. Our jobs are here and he has nothing lined up there. I'm not ready to move now. I have too much going on and I'm stressed as it is.
I don't want it to be over, but I really don't enjoy this ultimatum being put on me! It's unfair.
Thoughts? Help?
Honestly? I'd just let him go. If he wants to move so badly, let him go. As a brand new mama, you need to stay where you have the greatest support system. We, as a family, are going to be moving next year or the following year to FL (we're in VA). If we do go, my mom plans on renting out her house and coming with us. That's the only way I'm going to move that far away from everyone else. *hugs*
He sounds like he needs to grow up and like you need to let him go.
From the few facts I have from reading your post it makes more sense for you guys to stay put. I am guessing he is feeling to be the protector and he probably wants you away from your family because he wants it to feel like a family not your family and him... I am guessing. He wants a fresh start in other words. I think most men feel this way to a degree but hes handling it all wrong. Part of being in a partnership is caring and respecting eachothers wishes as well as being honest about them. Its clearly in all of your best interest to stay especially with all the relationship turbulance. Communicating is key in a relationship.. you both need to learn how to do that if your relationship will ever work.
1. hes immature and being unfair
2. i would NEVER uproot for someone I cannot count on and he has proved that in the past
3. i think moving out to BFE with someone you dont trust fully is scary
4. the bigger purpose is this child and i agree that family is important especially if you will be in school
5. no one who loves someone gives them ultimatums... its cheap, disrespectful and unfair.
Oh good. I'm not totally out there for wanting to be with my family. I'd honestly feel horrible if I moved out of state and never gave my parents an opportunity to meet my little girl. I'm an only child and my parents are extremely close to me. I love them and I'm really looking forward to them being a huge part of my daughters life.
And as rocky as we are now, I need the support of my family.
Yes, maybe I am selfish for wanting to stay an hour or less away from my family members, but I think family trumps anything else. I'm very much family oriented.
If he leaves, then I hope he realizes all he's missing out on. I don't want it to come to that, but it makes me sick to my stomach about moving and being so secluded and not having my dearest family members close to me.
Sometimes I dream of being able to go someplace different. Just chuckin it all and start fresh. But the truth of the matter is I could never do it unless my whole family went with.Family is everything and I'd rather have that than anything and I want my son to know that kind of love. Stay where u r. And tell him he can go.
It's his ultimatum and nothing says you have to buy into that nonsense. If he wants to leave, let him leave... you have more support from your family than he is apparently able to provide you, so if he wants to act immature and selfish just let him and move on to someone who can treat you with respect. Just don't punish his family (since you have gotten close to them as well) for his mistake... make sure that they have as much access to your DD as you are willing to allow so your DD doesn't suffer for her father's mistakes. Good luck!!!!
It sucks, but you're doing what's right for you and baby. There is always the possibility that if he moves, he'll do some more growing up, realize how selfish he's being (and how unselfish you're being), and come back and be the "SO" you deserve and the daddy that your baby needs. But it's also possible that he's just not the right guy for you or for your baby. Maybe him being out of the picture will open the door for Mr. Right. Whatever happens, keep reminding yourself that you're doing the best you can for your baby, and that makes you an excellent mom. Good luck!
I agree with everyone else,but I'm wondering if he feels a little resentful or jealous of your relationship with your family? And that you're getting cheap rent from your mom?
THIS!
Quoting busy_mama27:
He sounds like he needs to grow up and like you need to let him go.
From the few facts I have from reading your post it makes more sense for you guys to stay put. I am guessing he is feeling to be the protector and he probably wants you away from your family because he wants it to feel like a family not your family and him... I am guessing. He wants a fresh start in other words. I think most men feel this way to a degree but hes handling it all wrong. Part of being in a partnership is caring and respecting eachothers wishes as well as being honest about them. Its clearly in all of your best interest to stay especially with all the relationship turbulance. Communicating is key in a relationship.. you both need to learn how to do that if your relationship will ever work.
1. hes immature and being unfair
2. i would NEVER uproot for someone I cannot count on and he has proved that in the past
3. i think moving out to BFE with someone you dont trust fully is scary
4. the bigger purpose is this child and i agree that family is important especially if you will be in school
5. no one who loves someone gives them ultimatums... its cheap, disrespectful and unfair.
Its always gotta be about him. kinda long
- KristyCat
on Jul. 18, 2012 at 4:36 PM