This topic seems to resurface itself in many different forms in many different venues and in many different types of homes. So, I think rather than focusing on who comes first in different situations - which really boils down to, who's side is wife/mom taking in those situations..I'd really like to know what married moms think about who comes first in their homes; generally, overall - who do you put first: your husband, or your children? And why?
I'd like to keep this conversation open...I'd like to really take a look at the different points of view and the reasoning behind those points. I rather everyone refrain from bashing each other, but that doesn't mean that we can't disagree.
I put my husband first. I truly believe that the stability and wholeness of a home is dependant upon the relationship between the parents in the home. If my husband is not having his needs met (all around) and I am not having mine met, and we are in a state of discord...then our home, as a whole, suffers. That does NOT mean that if life isn't perfect we can't have a balanced home - our marriage has definitely had rough spots (which marriage hasn't?) - but what I mean is...I do what I can to meet the needs I know my husband has...to make him feel important and valued, respected and loved...and he does the same for me; because we are so valued by each other, even in hard times...we grow closer. Our children see our bond, our partnership, and they know that we are a unit and that we lead our home together...we have our roles...our responsibilities...and all three of them are our world...YET, they are not equal with us.
Now...although I put my husband first, that does NOT mean that my children's needs come second to his wants. It also doesn't mean that if he is blatantly in the wrong, that I don't stick up for our children/defend them. Say - he's raised his voice and been short with one of the kids...because he's having a bad day. He's being just stand-offish and borderline rude to them. I don't "correct" him in front of our children, but I DO let him know that he needs to regroup and take a look at the way he's acting towards them...PRIVATELY.
My children have an early bedtime so that I can ensure that my husband and I have the opportunity to unwind and spend the last part of our day together. When we all sit down for dinner, I serve my husband first. If the kids want something at the store and we're all there as a family...or if the kids want to do something special (say go someplace like the wild animal park) that day...I tell them to ask their dad, and that whatever Daddy decides is what we will do. I also make sure that they know if they aren't behaving for me, if I have to repeat myself too many times...Daddy WILL know and will be dealing with it after he gets home. There are a lot of little things that come up where I take the opportunity to make sure that my husband and the children know that Daddy is the head of our home.
At the same time...I love and adore my children and they know it. They also know that their dad loves and adores them. My children's needs come before his - but we both already know that. We don't have to say it - or prove it. If the kids are in need of anything, those needs are always met before we do anything for ourselves. Every now and then he and I will say - ya know, we haven't done anything for ourselves in a while...let's have Gammie watch the kids and go out together. He rather I spend our money on the kids and my needs - and I am always putting he and the children before myself. We put each other first, and because of that...we're always a priority to the person we love. Neither of us have to wonder about our importance or the love and respect we have for one another.
Things do come up where I struggle and want to intervene or openly defend one of the kids...but I take a step back and allow my husband to be the dad and the husband...the roles he has chosen and I have chosen for him through our life together. I don't believe that telling a man he comes second to your children is necessary...it's pretty natural for that to be the case. At the end of the day...reality is, if my child needs me...I'm going to meet that need. That's what a good mom does...but I think a good wife also knows how to balance being a wife and a mom. There are times when my priority is one of my children...but I still make my husband feel like he is number one, like he is being considered above all else.
You know...especially early on when our children are infants...or in homes where there are multiple children, our husbands SEE firsthand, that our children and their needs come ahead of EVERYTHING. Especially when you consider the moms who breastfeed or the families with special needs children...or children with illnesses. We live and breath our children...our husbands end up with whatever is leftover at the end of the day...IF anything is leftover.
Now...if my husband was abusive, if he was a liar and/or a cheat...if he were a lousy father...then I wouldn't put him first...at all, but I also wouldn't be married to him. I trust and respect him as a husband, a father, and a man. It is because of the man that he is, that I am able to look up to him, allow him to lead me and our family, and why I feel completely comfortable teaching my children to respect him and his word and that their dad is the head of our home.
No matter what is going on in our world, I do my best to make it evident that he is always on my mind and that I love and appreciate him.
Anywho...I can relate to what you're sharing. :)
Quoting 56Marmywife1997:I put my husband first for alot of the same reasons the OP does. When our son was younger and still living at home it was very important that he see that his father was the head of the house and that as long as he saw that we were all being taken care of then he knew that he was taken care of. My stepson unfortunately lived in and out of foster care and group homes as a result of his bio mom. His experiences taught him in so many ways that he was not important. So although I always put my husband first, I always made sure that my son knew that he was just as important. Just like the OP said, if mom and dad are not happy then the child/ren know it and it makes for them to not be happy.
In our house i put my children first before anything, My husband also puts them first. There is no head of household of sorts we all sit down and make decisions. We take everything into account and most importantly if its a big decision we look at if its best for our kids to do this. I do agree that if each of the parents needs are not meet than there is discord in the house. we all work as a well oiled machine in my house so that we are all in a balance not just the adults, and not just the kids. Our kids go to bed earlyish 9pm..LOL.. They do that because they need their sleep and mommy needs her time.. This is what works for our family....
Your children are helpless when they are little. A grown man can look out for himself. As they get older you can let go a little though.
I hate that question. Everytime I try to think of the answer I can't come up with one.
I agree with both
This topic seems to resurface itself in many different forms in many different venues and in many different types of homes. So, I think rather than focusing on who comes first in different situations - which really boils down to, who's side is wife/mom taking in those situations..I'd really like to know what married moms think about who comes first in their homes; generally, overall - who do you put first: your husband, or your children? And why?
I'd like to keep this conversation open...I'd like to really take a look at the different points of view and the reasoning behind those points. I rather everyone refrain from bashing each other, but that doesn't mean that we can't disagree.
I put my husband first. I truly believe that the stability and wholeness of a home is dependant upon the relationship between the parents in the home. If my husband is not having his needs met (all around) and I am not having mine met, and we are in a state of discord...then our home, as a whole, suffers. That does NOT mean that if life isn't perfect we can't have a balanced home - our marriage has definitely had rough spots (which marriage hasn't?) - but what I mean is...I do what I can to meet the needs I know my husband has...to make him feel important and valued, respected and loved...and he does the same for me; because we are so valued by each other, even in hard times...we grow closer. Our children see our bond, our partnership, and they know that we are a unit and that we lead our home together...we have our roles...our responsibilities...and all three of them are our world...YET, they are not equal with us.
Now...although I put my husband first, that does NOT mean that my children's needs come second to his wants. It also doesn't mean that if he is blatantly in the wrong, that I don't stick up for our children/defend them. Say - he's raised his voice and been short with one of the kids...because he's having a bad day. He's being just stand-offish and borderline rude to them. I don't "correct" him in front of our children, but I DO let him know that he needs to regroup and take a look at the way he's acting towards them...PRIVATELY.
My children have an early bedtime so that I can ensure that my husband and I have the opportunity to unwind and spend the last part of our day together. When we all sit down for dinner, I serve my husband first. If the kids want something at the store and we're all there as a family...or if the kids want to do something special (say go someplace like the wild animal park) that day...I tell them to ask their dad, and that whatever Daddy decides is what we will do. I also make sure that they know if they aren't behaving for me, if I have to repeat myself too many times...Daddy WILL know and will be dealing with it after he gets home. There are a lot of little things that come up where I take the opportunity to make sure that my husband and the children know that Daddy is the head of our home.
At the same time...I love and adore my children and they know it. They also know that their dad loves and adores them. My children's needs come before his - but we both already know that. We don't have to say it - or prove it. If the kids are in need of anything, those needs are always met before we do anything for ourselves. Every now and then he and I will say - ya know, we haven't done anything for ourselves in a while...let's have Gammie watch the kids and go out together. He rather I spend our money on the kids and my needs - and I am always putting he and the children before myself. We put each other first, and because of that...we're always a priority to the person we love. Neither of us have to wonder about our importance or the love and respect we have for one another.
Things do come up where I struggle and want to intervene or openly defend one of the kids...but I take a step back and allow my husband to be the dad and the husband...the roles he has chosen and I have chosen for him through our life together. I don't believe that telling a man he comes second to your children is necessary...it's pretty natural for that to be the case. At the end of the day...reality is, if my child needs me...I'm going to meet that need. That's what a good mom does...but I think a good wife also knows how to balance being a wife and a mom. There are times when my priority is one of my children...but I still make my husband feel like he is number one, like he is being considered above all else.
You know...especially early on when our children are infants...or in homes where there are multiple children, our husbands SEE firsthand, that our children and their needs come ahead of EVERYTHING. Especially when you consider the moms who breastfeed or the families with special needs children...or children with illnesses. We live and breath our children...our husbands end up with whatever is leftover at the end of the day...IF anything is leftover.
Now...if my husband was abusive, if he was a liar and/or a cheat...if he were a lousy father...then I wouldn't put him first...at all, but I also wouldn't be married to him. I trust and respect him as a husband, a father, and a man. It is because of the man that he is, that I am able to look up to him, allow him to lead me and our family, and why I feel completely comfortable teaching my children to respect him and his word and that their dad is the head of our home.
No matter what is going on in our world, I do my best to make it evident that he is always on my mind and that I love and appreciate him.
Quoting Bubbie0809:This is always a complicated question to answer, because people always take it out of context.
I like your explanation.
I decided when I got married that I wanted to raise my children in a home where the parents were happily married. I didn't witness that growing up and I wanted to make sure my children did. That being said, the relationship I have with my husband is priority, to make sure that we are together, seeing eye to eye and generally able to parent as a unit.
That doesn't mean that my kids are neglected or their needs/wants are discounted or discredited in any way. But since my husband and I are a solid connected unit, it makes it easier to parent in a cohesive way that is 100% beneficial for my children. I think that it benefits my kids in the long run to know that they come from loving parents who will both do whatever they need and also who come from the same place of discipline.
(I don't know if I explained it correctly, I do tend to get wordy)
My husband & my children need different things from me. As far as who comes first...neither is more important than the other.... just different.
What is your best......
- gem_mommie
on Jul. 22, 2012 at 5:57 PM