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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

The other woman in my marriage....

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PLEASE don't bash me!! I need sincere opinions and advice. I do not have any friends I can talk to about this... So please, be nice. 

My husband is a negative, cynical, energy and happiness zapping person and I am the opposite. For 15 years I have stood beside my husband and tolerated his self loathing, depression, cynicism, and negativity. I do not know how much more of it I can take. He is a miserable person (not abusive or anything like that) and he "vents" his misery and it affects everyone around him. The family joke is "Its not a party unless Kris makes someone cry." His negativity and unhappiness affect our children too and I find myself no longer able to make excuses for him. Nothing and no one can change him because he doesn't want to change and thinks his negative & cynical view points in life are realistic and appropriate. On top of it all, he is addicted to porn and even though he promised to stop or at least try to, he continues to watch it every day. I am just at a loss!

He has seen a doctor for depression and has been on meds but nothing really helps. 

My husband has never been to counseling for his behavior because he doesn't think anything is wrong with it, nor does he think there is anything wrong with his porn addiction. 

I tried talking to him about his behavior and how it affects all of us and how know one can tell if he's happy because he never shows it. He seemed to get what I was saying but there hasnt been much improvement. I know old habits die hard, but good God! I cant take much more. He is sucking the joy out of my life. 

His addiction to pornography is Killing me. He watches it every day, whether we have had sex or not. I have told him how much I hate it and that I cant tolerate it any more. He promised to stop. I took him for his word. A week later I found porn on our computer. I checked the web history and found out that he watched it repeatedly every day and even on the day he made the promise. He didnt even try. I was crushed and I let him know. He told me he hated me because I made him feel like a child that was "busted." I told him I was trying to keep him accountable to his promise. I was very calm, I never once criticized him, and told him I wanted to help him and support him. 

He ended up changing all the passwords to the computer and his phone so I jailbroke our ipad and installed a keylogger. He has accessed porn on the internet 4 times in the past 24 hours. The first time was just a few hours after we had sex and the last time he was next to me while I slept. 

I dont trust him and I dont respect him; all I can think about is getting a divorce. 

The only thing that has kept me from filing is fear: Fear of what it will do to my 4 children, fear of how we will survive on my VERY meager income, fear of being alone, and fear of hurting his heart BUT I also feel like I am enabling him if I dont leave him! I am so frickin' confused and I just dont know what to do.


by on Jul. 24, 2012 at 3:10 PM
Replies (41-46):
xxBiteMExx
by Member on Jul. 25, 2012 at 12:22 PM
I agree with this!

Quoting tomkat:

I totally diagree with the first post...since he is your husband it is your business! I realize that in today's society any and all forms of sexuality, exploitation and voyeurism are acceptable to most. However, that does not mean that it it right! This is your marriage too not just his life...if you have a problem with the porn and it makes you feel uncomforatble in your relationship, you have the right to demand that he stop! I don't blame you, I'd have no respect for him either.  Keep checking away on him and hold him accountable. You are not the "sick" one here as suggested by the first poster!

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hismommy2010
by Member on Jul. 25, 2012 at 5:30 PM

 Quick to assume are you?

My husband doesn't HAVE to sneak to hide porn, nor does he have to worry about me going to lengths to dig up his computer history. We have been married for 14 years, and we TRUST each other. We DO in fact have porn in our home. I don't stop him or prevent him or tell him he CAN'T look at porn.

We don't use it often at all, but on rare occassions we watch it together and or alone...

see the thing is , when you FORBID anyone of something they will go to lengths to get what they aren't 'allowed' to have... So say what you want about me, you don't know me , my husband or marriage...

So whatever makes YOU happy!

Quoting tomkat:

 

Quoting hismommy2010:

 Here's the thing, some could say YOU have a problem, because you check up on him and hoover over his internet use as if you are the damn computer nazi!

He is your husband, NOT your child. As far as the pron goes, you have no right to tell him to stop. He is an ADULT! So stop checking his history ect...

If I were him, I would be depressed to if my spouse was going through all of my stuff like you are doing.. That's sick that you are doing that!

You probably are ok with this because your huband has or is doing this as well and that's how you jusitfy it to yourself...It's sick that you think this kind of behavior is acceptable.

 

hismommy2010
by Member on Jul. 25, 2012 at 5:32 PM

 Show me where I 'bashed' her. She asked for advice! And my advice is for HER to stop being so nosey and controlling!

that simple

Quoting blondieof3kids:

WOW, what a way to be supportive!!  I guess you don't know how to read, she asked NOT to be bashed.....


 

Quoting hismommy2010:

 Here's the thing, some could say YOU have a problem, because you check up on him and hoover over his internet use as if you are the damn computer nazi!

He is your husband, NOT your child. As far as the pron goes, you have no right to tell him to stop. He is an ADULT! So stop checking his history ect...

If I were him, I would be depressed to if my spouse was going through all of my stuff like you are doing.. That's sick that you are doing that!

 

 

hismommy2010
by Member on Jul. 25, 2012 at 5:40 PM

 You really can't look at it like that. In all honesty, he could hold on to porn images from the past and think of that when having sex with you, or he could think of an old girlfriend that blew his mind during sex, or he could think of a hot girl he seen out in public somewhere, he DOESNT need to have just looked at porn to think of another female while banging you....

In reality, it's not the porn that you are bothered by, it's really your lack of self esteem, which isn't HIS issue, it's yours!

Quoting lovely_ma:

I don't like my husband to watch porn. If he has sex with me after watching i feel he might be imaging porn stars ..i get wired feelings


Quoting hismommy2010:

 Here's the thing, some could say YOU have a problem, because you check up on him and hoover over his internet use as if you are the damn computer nazi!


He is your husband, NOT your child. As far as the pron goes, you have no right to tell him to stop. He is an ADULT! So stop checking his history ect...


If I were him, I would be depressed to if my spouse was going through all of my stuff like you are doing.. That's sick that you are doing that!


 

TexasWife
by on Jul. 25, 2012 at 9:47 PM

that is exactly what i was thinking.

Quoting ZarinaBlue:

Oh, I really hate to say this, but honestly no one can tell you what is right or wrong as far as the porn thing goes. It comes down to compatibility, if you are cool with it, then great, if not and he can't change then it isn't something that you are going to be able to get past. Seriously the best you can hope for if he doesn't change is that you can ignore it and that really doesn't make it better.

He sounds like a passive agressive ass and acting out gets him attention. Hell his porn usage may have gone up just because he knows it pisses you off. Point is, you guys don't sound all that compatiable.

You can't change people, especially when they like who they are.


ListaPaMas
by Member on Jul. 25, 2012 at 9:53 PM
Listen to the song by sunny sweeny, called stayings worse than leaving
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