PLEASE don't bash me!! I need sincere opinions and advice. I do not have any friends I can talk to about this... So please, be nice.
My husband is a negative, cynical, energy and happiness zapping person and I am the opposite. For 15 years I have stood beside my husband and tolerated his self loathing, depression, cynicism, and negativity. I do not know how much more of it I can take. He is a miserable person (not abusive or anything like that) and he "vents" his misery and it affects everyone around him. The family joke is "Its not a party unless Kris makes someone cry." His negativity and unhappiness affect our children too and I find myself no longer able to make excuses for him. Nothing and no one can change him because he doesn't want to change and thinks his negative & cynical view points in life are realistic and appropriate. On top of it all, he is addicted to porn and even though he promised to stop or at least try to, he continues to watch it every day. I am just at a loss!
He has seen a doctor for depression and has been on meds but nothing really helps.
My husband has never been to counseling for his behavior because he doesn't think anything is wrong with it, nor does he think there is anything wrong with his porn addiction.
I tried talking to him about his behavior and how it affects all of us and how know one can tell if he's happy because he never shows it. He seemed to get what I was saying but there hasnt been much improvement. I know old habits die hard, but good God! I cant take much more. He is sucking the joy out of my life.
His addiction to pornography is Killing me. He watches it every day, whether we have had sex or not. I have told him how much I hate it and that I cant tolerate it any more. He promised to stop. I took him for his word. A week later I found porn on our computer. I checked the web history and found out that he watched it repeatedly every day and even on the day he made the promise. He didnt even try. I was crushed and I let him know. He told me he hated me because I made him feel like a child that was "busted." I told him I was trying to keep him accountable to his promise. I was very calm, I never once criticized him, and told him I wanted to help him and support him.
He ended up changing all the passwords to the computer and his phone so I jailbroke our ipad and installed a keylogger. He has accessed porn on the internet 4 times in the past 24 hours. The first time was just a few hours after we had sex and the last time he was next to me while I slept.
I dont trust him and I dont respect him; all I can think about is getting a divorce.
The only thing that has kept me from filing is fear: Fear of what it will do to my 4 children, fear of how we will survive on my VERY meager income, fear of being alone, and fear of hurting his heart BUT I also feel like I am enabling him if I dont leave him! I am so frickin' confused and I just dont know what to do.