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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Is it appropriate for.......????

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 1:33 PM
  • 12 Replies

 

Poll

Question: Is this appropriate?

Options:

Yes

No Way

Maybe


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Total Votes: 39

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For an ex wife to remain friends with her ex husbands family and friends; after the divorce??

*Background: She cheated, lied and kept everything they built up while married. He'd had enough, filed for divorce and moved out. They have no children together, she bought the house in her name cause she knew she was gonna leave him or get caught with her pants down. No cars in names, minor bills to split. Fairly easy divorce. We met a month before his divorce was final (although I still lived in a different state), I morally didnt allow anything other then friendship until the divorce was final - I wanted to respect the situation as much as possible. Well that and make sure he wasnt lying or BSing me.

Currently - I made the move to Colorado to be with him and start a career here, with my children. Things are great, I love working, I love my boys they ae so happy here, my fiancee and I are doing great together and life is very good for us. Except - His ex wife is everywhere! Grocery store, birthday parties, shows up at his work, I see her at the laundromat. For being so sure she wanted to be "rid" of him, she sure isnt going away.

My issue is that she is impacting my impression on his family, I met them and they shunned me for the first few months and remained talking to her. Although they complain and bitch that she made away like a gold diggging bandit from the marriage. His friends of over 20 years, have disowned my presence and wont even get to know me because they choose to be friends with her. I cant ask my honey to walk away from friends or family, Im not that girl. But I dont think I should have to sit here and pick out wedding dresses, alone, feel second best or like a fill-in. I know he loves me and we are meant to be, he hates whats going on too. But we are at a loss for what to do. She should have some respect and do what is appropriate and that is start her own life after a divorce. Not linger on knowing that she is making my life hell. Personally at times it feels like she is trying to sabotage our relationship, thinking I will just give up and say screw this and she can swoop in and console him, bewitching him back. Shes like a voodoo queen. No drama, Im just saying who disrespects themselves enough to hang around and look like a fool?

I could use some advice - Really....

Ally Belle

by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 1:33 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Threes.Company
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 1:39 PM

I think she is acting inappropriately to a degree.  As far as friends are concerned, that is hard to pull off.  You can't expect her to just no longer be friends with joint friends.  But, family?  I think if you are going to divorce and there are no children involved, it only makes sense that you would distance yourself from family so you both can move on with your lives. 

It sounds like you live pretty close to her if you see her at your grocery store or at the laundromat.  Can you guys move somewhere else?  Somewhere still close enough for him to get to work, but far enough that those shopping locations and such would be separated more?  I am not sure if you are in a rural/urban/suburban area... I live in a suburb of a big city, and it would be easy to move 15 mins away and be worlds apart -- while maintaining the ability to get to work without a huge commute.

What does he do for work?  Why is she visiting him at work?  Not that you need to worry about trust issues, but I am asking more because I am trying to figure out if it is crossing a line for her to be there.  It depends on what he does.  I mean, if he is a pharmacist and that's the only pharmacy for miles, obviously she would run into him.  But, if he has some office job that does not require her involvement whatsoever, then she really needs to stop with visiting him at work.  That isn't appropriate.

lucky2Beeme
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2012 at 1:41 PM

I believe its ok to be friends. More like the  kind you say hello to in passing. Still be invited to Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving NO. I think his family is more in the wrong than her.They are the ones not coming around as far as accepting you and your sons. I think you SO need to have a talk with his family asking them to accept you and letting them know how much they are hurting him by not doing so.

babygirlsmom314
by Member on Jul. 31, 2012 at 1:45 PM
This

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

I believe its ok to be friends. More like the  kind you say hello to in passing. Still be invited to Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving NO. I think his family is more in the wrong than her.They are the ones not coming around as far as accepting you and your sons. I think you SO need to have a talk with his family asking them to accept you and letting them know how much they are hurting him by not doing so.

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liz.1986
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 1:49 PM
I agree with this.

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

I believe its ok to be friends. More like the  kind you say hello to in passing. Still be invited to Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving NO. I think his family is more in the wrong than her.They are the ones not coming around as far as accepting you and your sons. I think you SO need to have a talk with his family asking them to accept you and letting them know how much they are hurting him by not doing so.

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bpryce
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 2:04 PM

 i think its very inappropriate for her to be hanging around like that. Your husbands family needs to respect you more than that. My DH family is still friendly with DHs ex wife but they respect and love me more because they see how wonderful my DH and i are together. they've told me several times that he has never been this happy. i did get upset when my MIL invited her to the family reunion, but she didnt show and my MIL wasnt trying to be spiteful.

your fiance needs to have a serious talk with his family about how their actions are impacting him and you. if the love and respect him they should at least back of a bit, but dont expect them to totally ignore her

CDMelty
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2012 at 3:27 PM

In my family, exes stay friends with the family, so this whole thing seems foreign to me. I just think that you divorce your SO, not your in-laws or friends you made during the marriage. If my brother and his wife divorce I'll probably stay friends with her because sHe's my friend because I like her, not because she's married to my brother. My youngest son is named after my aunt's ex-husband because he was my favorite uncle regardless of whether they stayed together or not. They're marriage and divorce was between them and didn't involve or affect me. I would never think to ask my family to take sides in my divorce; they can be friends with whomever they want to.

Momof5kids84
by Lauren on Jul. 31, 2012 at 4:03 PM
Should you have to ask your DF to stand up for? Certainly not, he should just do it. His friends can be friendly with whoever they choose to friendly with, but he should but he should have enough balls to stand up for his fiancé to his family. Out of respect for him, they should disown her. I can't imagine my in-laws harboring good will to my DH's lying and cheating ex-fiancé. She slept with his best friend. They disowned him, too.
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Fivekidscrazy
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 4:18 PM
This, except with my family... Once you're a par of the family, you'll always be a part of the family until you decide you no longer want to be.
I don't think it's right that they shun you tho... Should definitely have a talk about it. And if your df isn't up to the job of hashing it out with his family and friends... Do it yourself! They'll either see the error of their ways and respect you more for standing up for yourself, or what?? Continue to shun you and treat you like crap??? What have you got to lose?


Quoting CDMelty:

In my family, exes stay friends with the family, so this whole thing seems foreign to me. I just think that you divorce your SO, not your in-laws or friends you made during the marriage. If my brother and his wife divorce I'll probably stay friends with her because sHe's my friend because I like her, not because she's married to my brother. My youngest son is named after my aunt's ex-husband because he was my favorite uncle regardless of whether they stayed together or not. They're marriage and divorce was between them and didn't involve or affect me. I would never think to ask my family to take sides in my divorce; they can be friends with whomever they want to.


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waitWHAT
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 4:28 PM
It depends in the history of the couple and whether or not they have. children together. In your case I think your husbands family needs to put some space between the ex. It's not fair to you that they are acting like you don't exist. It's shitty and it really sucks that you have to go through that.

No matter what I will always be accepted into my husbands family and will always be invited and wanted over to visit. Even if we divorced.
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JennPearce
by Jenn! on Jul. 31, 2012 at 5:01 PM
I see nothing wrong, in a normal situation for the ex to remain friends with everyone, especially if there are kids involved. In your situation though, it seems like she is being spiteful, & it's not fair that his family won't even give you a chance. Your fiancé should have a talk with his family. Hope things get better!
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