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Really? You don't want to get married? Well, sh**.

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So, we've been together for 8 years, had three kids, and got through school and job issues, and moved three times together. We kept saying "We'll get married someday, but for now we're better off." Because of things like bigger tax refunds or more school grants, etc. Well, since the first of the year, none of that applies any more. We're both through school and he just got a super awesome promotion, so I thought "Great time to get married, yeah?" 

Since January, I've planned three different weddings - nothing big, mind you. We're getting married at the courthouse on a Friday afternoon, just us and the kids, and then having a party with about 100 friends and family. And pizza. We both love pizza and always said that when we get married, instead of the usual food, we'll have all our favorite kinds of pizza delivered. See, we've talked about getting married. He bought me a ring and proposed 6 years ago. I thought it was a given. 

But every time I present him with a plan for a wedding, there's a reason he can't. The first time was April, and he scheduled a gig over it (he's a musician on the side). Then it was May, and I worked out a perfect plan for a combination graduation party (he graduated from college), birthday party (on my birthday), wedding. All the people we knew and loved were already there, we just needed to add a JOP, and whammo - instant wedding. But for that he just hemmed and hawed around until it was too late to make sure everyone was there and the hall got booked (we ended up having the party at his parents' farm). 

And then I thought "August 31 - once in a blue moon. Pretty funny." And this time I told him that this was the last wedding I was planning, period, so he better suck it up and say yes or no, and in essence, he said no. He didn't say no outright, but he brought up so many objections, that I knew it was no. 

What the hell is the problem? We make a plan, we go through with it. We've always been that way, from babies, to school, to jobs. And now he's freaking out. WTH? Any ideas here?



Thanks for all the answers, ladies. Believe me, we have talked about it, I'm not exactly afraid of sharing my feelings, and his answer has always been "Of course I want to get married." And when it came time to actually talk about a wedding, it was "Just not now." So I sat on things for a while after I posted this, and tonight when he came home from taking the kids out to play I looked at him and said "We're going to do this wedding thing, still, right? Because if you're not into it, then I'm moving out with the kids." And he said "You would really leave if we didn't get married?" And I said "Well yeah, hasn't that been the point the whole time?" So we talked a bit more, but didn't want to fight in front of the kids, so I told him that I was going to come home after work tomorrow and have the sitter bring the kids home an hour later. I told him that I expected his answer, which better be a yes, and I told him I expected a date that we would call our parents and best friends and ask them to hold. And the date will be in 2012. And then I told him that if I did not get a yes, that he better put an ad in the paper for a roommate, because I am going to squeeze him dry for child support. So, I guess we'll see where we're at tomorrow. I also told him he better have a damn good reason for putting me off for the last 8 months. This, I want to hear. 

by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 11:24 AM
Replies (21-30):
Ariellasmom
by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 3:21 PM
Heck you and me both op. I have given up on trying to convince my man to marry me. And the worst of it all, is i know someone who did and still does want to marry me. Yet here i sit. If i was you, I'd talk to him. See what his reasons are for not marrying You and then decide if you'd be okay with staying as things are. I can honestly say for my situation I'm very unhappy and rather leave. But i stay cause I'm scared he won't let me take my son with me.
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krisdev67
by Member on Aug. 5, 2012 at 4:59 PM
3 moms liked this

 Trust and believe a man knows if and when he wants to marry you.  Right now is not his time.  He's made it through the struggle and it's PARTY time....marriage, kids and the responsibilities don't factor into it.  I'll bet you in no time flat, you're going to begin to notice changes in his behaviors.  See you hung in there with him during the struggle and that's probably when you should have gotten married.  Now that there isn't a struggle, he has the money he wants, dream job etc he probably feels like he can do whatever he wants.

You need to figure out what is going to make you happy and satisfied.  Forcing him to marry you and him possibly being miserable, forcing him to tell you the truth that he isn't going to marry you and you decide to leave.  Or, you just leave it alone and spend what..the next 5+ years waiting on him to give you his last name?  Hell he's already given you his kids....so I don't understand why not his last name.

ashleywheeler13
by Member on Aug. 5, 2012 at 5:12 PM
1 mom liked this
Well just tby common law you guys are married so just tell may as well get on paper for legal reasons and you , the kids will be taken care of if anything ever happens to him.
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fostermomoftwo
by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 5:25 PM
1 mom liked this
Thats were i just dont understand people like that. Its like hes afraid to commit but already has w/ o relizing it i guess. Ill i know is that after my dh proposed we actually moved up the date cause we were moving but he ment it when he proposed and wanted me to be his wife asap..lol. if he wouldve put it off or postponed it or anything like that i wouldve known he wasnt ready to be my husband..
lfrrll5
by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 5:34 PM
I think you should sit down and talk. Tell him you don't want to fight but you really need to discuss it.
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Liyoness
by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 7:01 PM

So, in other words, you don't have an intelligent reply.. I caught you in a contradiction and you have no way of making it make sense. Gotcha.

Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Lol I don't Care what you think, its the Original Poster I want to hear from smh

Quoting Liyoness:

So wait... It's not just a piece of paper, and yet he has everything he wants already..... So.... Which is it? You're contradicting yourself there.  What is going to change in their relationship if they get a marriage certificate, 8 years and 3 kids later?


Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Its not just a piece of paper,
it seems like he's got everything he wants from you already and doesn't have the desire to wed.
8 years and three kids later? I would've known something was up after being engaged for so long.
As for tax returns, I file married filing separately :0)



ddhb2007
by Bronze Member on Aug. 5, 2012 at 7:11 PM
Quoting dingysfamily:

 Ever heard the phrase ... 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' 


Sorry, but I think he just has the best of both worlds ... or so he thinks; and you let him have it that way.  If you really want to get married you have to force the issue or settle for the way things are.




This is my opinion too. At this point, what does be gain by going through with it?
olivejuice2
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 3:29 AM
1 mom liked this
Marriage is not about changing your relationship, it's about promising to spend your lives together. Marriage is not just a piece of paper because it is a physical representation of that promise, and it lets the world know that the promise has been made. There is no contradiction between cohabiting and wanting marriage.

The mentality of "why buy the cow" is ridiculous and insulting. As a woman, if a man wanted to marry me so he could get the "milk" I wasn't giving him for free, I would run. It's insulting to men to imply that "milk" is the best reason to get married, and it's insulting to women to imply that their biggest value to men is their "milk".

After living with him for 4 years, I married the love of my life. We married because we want to be together and we wanted to proclaim our intentions and make our promises in front of our loved ones. Not because there would be some kind of change in our relationship. In fact, our relationship didn't change a bit. Our dd's birth changed our relationship more than getting married did.


Quoting Liyoness:

So, in other words, you don't have an intelligent reply.. I caught you in a contradiction and you have no way of making it make sense. Gotcha.


Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Lol I don't Care what you think, its the Original Poster I want to hear from smh



Quoting Liyoness:

So wait... It's not just a piece of paper, and yet he has everything he wants already..... So.... Which is it? You're contradicting yourself there.  What is going to change in their relationship if they get a marriage certificate, 8 years and 3 kids later?



Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Its not just a piece of paper,
it seems like he's got everything he wants from you already and doesn't have the desire to wed.
8 years and three kids later? I would've known something was up after being engaged for so long.
As for tax returns, I file married filing separately :0)



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Ariellasmom
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 3:48 AM
Keep us posted op
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atmsmom2011
by Member on Aug. 6, 2012 at 3:52 AM
Stand your ground
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