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Really? You don't want to get married? Well, sh**.

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So, we've been together for 8 years, had three kids, and got through school and job issues, and moved three times together. We kept saying "We'll get married someday, but for now we're better off." Because of things like bigger tax refunds or more school grants, etc. Well, since the first of the year, none of that applies any more. We're both through school and he just got a super awesome promotion, so I thought "Great time to get married, yeah?" 

Since January, I've planned three different weddings - nothing big, mind you. We're getting married at the courthouse on a Friday afternoon, just us and the kids, and then having a party with about 100 friends and family. And pizza. We both love pizza and always said that when we get married, instead of the usual food, we'll have all our favorite kinds of pizza delivered. See, we've talked about getting married. He bought me a ring and proposed 6 years ago. I thought it was a given. 

But every time I present him with a plan for a wedding, there's a reason he can't. The first time was April, and he scheduled a gig over it (he's a musician on the side). Then it was May, and I worked out a perfect plan for a combination graduation party (he graduated from college), birthday party (on my birthday), wedding. All the people we knew and loved were already there, we just needed to add a JOP, and whammo - instant wedding. But for that he just hemmed and hawed around until it was too late to make sure everyone was there and the hall got booked (we ended up having the party at his parents' farm). 

And then I thought "August 31 - once in a blue moon. Pretty funny." And this time I told him that this was the last wedding I was planning, period, so he better suck it up and say yes or no, and in essence, he said no. He didn't say no outright, but he brought up so many objections, that I knew it was no. 

What the hell is the problem? We make a plan, we go through with it. We've always been that way, from babies, to school, to jobs. And now he's freaking out. WTH? Any ideas here?



Thanks for all the answers, ladies. Believe me, we have talked about it, I'm not exactly afraid of sharing my feelings, and his answer has always been "Of course I want to get married." And when it came time to actually talk about a wedding, it was "Just not now." So I sat on things for a while after I posted this, and tonight when he came home from taking the kids out to play I looked at him and said "We're going to do this wedding thing, still, right? Because if you're not into it, then I'm moving out with the kids." And he said "You would really leave if we didn't get married?" And I said "Well yeah, hasn't that been the point the whole time?" So we talked a bit more, but didn't want to fight in front of the kids, so I told him that I was going to come home after work tomorrow and have the sitter bring the kids home an hour later. I told him that I expected his answer, which better be a yes, and I told him I expected a date that we would call our parents and best friends and ask them to hold. And the date will be in 2012. And then I told him that if I did not get a yes, that he better put an ad in the paper for a roommate, because I am going to squeeze him dry for child support. So, I guess we'll see where we're at tomorrow. I also told him he better have a damn good reason for putting me off for the last 8 months. This, I want to hear. 

by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 11:24 AM
Replies (31-40):
AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Aug. 6, 2012 at 4:21 AM
1 mom liked this

Honestly, I don't know how I feel about the whole "ultimatum" thing.  I get that you're frustrated and you want answers and ultimately you want him to marry you..

BUT how worth it is it going to be for you to have his ring on your finger if you have to wonder for the rest of your life if it's there because he WANTED it there and was READY for it to be there, or if it's there because you forced him??

I wish you luck sweetie!  I hope that things go the way you want them to go!!  (hugs)

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2012 at 4:59 AM
1 mom liked this

Was he married before?

mummy1990
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 5:07 AM
1 mom liked this

Damn....hes totally just blowing it off....thats not cool at all.

xxMocahFrappxx
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 7:47 AM
You keep thinking that rotflllll,
like I said Your opinion is of NO concern to me. I'm not wasting any more of my responses on you. You are obviously in the mood for debating and I am not the one sweetheart.
Quoting Liyoness:

So, in other words, you don't have an intelligent reply.. I caught you in a contradiction and you have no way of making it make sense. Gotcha.


Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Lol I don't Care what you think, its the Original Poster I want to hear from smh



Quoting Liyoness:

So wait... It's not just a piece of paper, and yet he has everything he wants already..... So.... Which is it? You're contradicting yourself there.  What is going to change in their relationship if they get a marriage certificate, 8 years and 3 kids later?





Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Its not just a piece of paper,
it seems like he's got everything he wants from you already and doesn't have the desire to wed.
8 years and three kids later? I would've known something was up after being engaged for so long.
As for tax returns, I file married filing separately :0)



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xxMocahFrappxx
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 7:53 AM
I wanted to know the same thing :0)

Quoting Lindalou907:

Was he married before?

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nebcutie
by Member on Aug. 6, 2012 at 7:56 AM
Wow, i would be upset to since it seems like there was no reason to think it was not going to happen.
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kfroz0415
by Member on Aug. 6, 2012 at 8:06 AM
1 mom liked this

Seems to me he has everything he wants already, without the "hassle" of a wedding and possible divorce. (I know with 3 kids breaking up wouldn't be easy, but it wouldn't be as much of a legal process). 

I hope tonight goes well for you, but I just don't know. I know my dh would not respond well to an ultimatum.  

dingysfamily
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 8:11 AM
1 mom liked this

I think the 'why buy the cow' thing is just a figure of speech thing and sorry you find it ridiculous & insulting; but the way he is treating her is also ridiculous & insulting.  If he doesn't want to marry her he should man up and just say so and quit making excuses.  She should also quit enabling him and letting him do it to her.  You are right to a point though about a man 'buying' a woman just to get the 'milk' ... but only if you look at it that way.  I never did & I don't think most women do.  Most women look at it as making the ultimate commitment period .. joining their lives together, legally, and for a good many couples marriage does have a meaning stronger than just living together; it did for my dh & I and we did live together for 1 1/2 years before marrying, something I thought I'd never do and as a Christian I do regret in a lot of ways.  The thing is ... I think you took the reference a bit to literal.  The milk in this case is much more than the sex ... it is everything involved in the relationship that she is providing for him, the least of which is the 'milk'! 

Quoting olivejuice2:

Marriage is not about changing your relationship, it's about promising to spend your lives together. Marriage is not just a piece of paper because it is a physical representation of that promise, and it lets the world know that the promise has been made. There is no contradiction between cohabiting and wanting marriage.

The mentality of "why buy the cow" is ridiculous and insulting. As a woman, if a man wanted to marry me so he could get the "milk" I wasn't giving him for free, I would run. It's insulting to men to imply that "milk" is the best reason to get married, and it's insulting to women to imply that their biggest value to men is their "milk".

After living with him for 4 years, I married the love of my life. We married because we want to be together and we wanted to proclaim our intentions and make our promises in front of our loved ones. Not because there would be some kind of change in our relationship. In fact, our relationship didn't change a bit. Our dd's birth changed our relationship more than getting married did.


Quoting Liyoness:

So, in other words, you don't have an intelligent reply.. I caught you in a contradiction and you have no way of making it make sense. Gotcha.


Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Lol I don't Care what you think, its the Original Poster I want to hear from smh



Quoting Liyoness:

So wait... It's not just a piece of paper, and yet he has everything he wants already..... So.... Which is it? You're contradicting yourself there.  What is going to change in their relationship if they get a marriage certificate, 8 years and 3 kids later?



Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Its not just a piece of paper,
it seems like he's got everything he wants from you already and doesn't have the desire to wed.
8 years and three kids later? I would've known something was up after being engaged for so long.
As for tax returns, I file married filing separately :0)

 

 

 

crystal7.22.201
by Member on Aug. 6, 2012 at 8:13 AM
Bump!
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Gmgej
by Michele on Aug. 6, 2012 at 8:17 AM
1 mom liked this

Right tax returns is a stupid reason as married with children is your biggest ta break, single cost the most in taxes. I am sorry but 8 years and 3 kids later? If neither valued marriage for this length of time and children why do you expect him to value it now? Because you said so? Do things ass backwards and expect perfection, it is a self fulfilled prophecy.

Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Its not just a piece of paper,
it seems like he's got everything he wants from you already and doesn't have the desire to wed.
8 years and three kids later? I would've known something was up after being engaged for so long.
As for tax returns, I file married filing separately :0)


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