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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Really? You don't want to get married? Well, sh**.

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So, we've been together for 8 years, had three kids, and got through school and job issues, and moved three times together. We kept saying "We'll get married someday, but for now we're better off." Because of things like bigger tax refunds or more school grants, etc. Well, since the first of the year, none of that applies any more. We're both through school and he just got a super awesome promotion, so I thought "Great time to get married, yeah?" 

Since January, I've planned three different weddings - nothing big, mind you. We're getting married at the courthouse on a Friday afternoon, just us and the kids, and then having a party with about 100 friends and family. And pizza. We both love pizza and always said that when we get married, instead of the usual food, we'll have all our favorite kinds of pizza delivered. See, we've talked about getting married. He bought me a ring and proposed 6 years ago. I thought it was a given. 

But every time I present him with a plan for a wedding, there's a reason he can't. The first time was April, and he scheduled a gig over it (he's a musician on the side). Then it was May, and I worked out a perfect plan for a combination graduation party (he graduated from college), birthday party (on my birthday), wedding. All the people we knew and loved were already there, we just needed to add a JOP, and whammo - instant wedding. But for that he just hemmed and hawed around until it was too late to make sure everyone was there and the hall got booked (we ended up having the party at his parents' farm). 

And then I thought "August 31 - once in a blue moon. Pretty funny." And this time I told him that this was the last wedding I was planning, period, so he better suck it up and say yes or no, and in essence, he said no. He didn't say no outright, but he brought up so many objections, that I knew it was no. 

What the hell is the problem? We make a plan, we go through with it. We've always been that way, from babies, to school, to jobs. And now he's freaking out. WTH? Any ideas here?



Thanks for all the answers, ladies. Believe me, we have talked about it, I'm not exactly afraid of sharing my feelings, and his answer has always been "Of course I want to get married." And when it came time to actually talk about a wedding, it was "Just not now." So I sat on things for a while after I posted this, and tonight when he came home from taking the kids out to play I looked at him and said "We're going to do this wedding thing, still, right? Because if you're not into it, then I'm moving out with the kids." And he said "You would really leave if we didn't get married?" And I said "Well yeah, hasn't that been the point the whole time?" So we talked a bit more, but didn't want to fight in front of the kids, so I told him that I was going to come home after work tomorrow and have the sitter bring the kids home an hour later. I told him that I expected his answer, which better be a yes, and I told him I expected a date that we would call our parents and best friends and ask them to hold. And the date will be in 2012. And then I told him that if I did not get a yes, that he better put an ad in the paper for a roommate, because I am going to squeeze him dry for child support. So, I guess we'll see where we're at tomorrow. I also told him he better have a damn good reason for putting me off for the last 8 months. This, I want to hear. 

by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 11:24 AM
Replies (41-50):
Melanie420
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 8:24 AM
1 mom liked this
at least your sensible, first post I've seen in a long time from a smart woman. If he hasn't married you in the 8 years you have been together it won't happen, I don't understand why guys have a problem with
Arriage, my husband never did, if you are devoted to eachother then what's the problem, why can't you get married, its not like your playing the field while in a commited relationship, I'm sorry you were put in this position
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Melanie420
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 8:28 AM
1 mom liked this
Some people WANT and DESIRE to get married, if you don't Liyoness that's your problem but OP seems to want to get married and that's her choice


Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

You keep thinking that rotflllll,
like I said Your opinion is of NO concern to me. I'm not wasting any more of my responses on you. You are obviously in the mood for debating and I am not the one sweetheart.
Quoting Liyoness:

So, in other words, you don't have an intelligent reply.. I caught you in a contradiction and you have no way of making it make sense. Gotcha.


Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Lol I don't Care what you think, its the Original Poster I want to hear from smh



Quoting Liyoness:

So wait... It's not just a piece of paper, and yet he has everything he wants already..... So.... Which is it? You're contradicting yourself there.  What is going to change in their relationship if they get a marriage certificate, 8 years and 3 kids later?







Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Its not just a piece of paper,
it seems like he's got everything he wants from you already and doesn't have the desire to wed.
8 years and three kids later? I would've known something was up after being engaged for so long.
As for tax returns, I file married filing separately :0)




Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Krysden
by Platinum Member on Aug. 6, 2012 at 9:03 AM
3 moms liked this

" then I told him that if I did not get a yes, that he better put an ad in the paper for a roommate, because I am going to squeeze him dry for child support." 

Ultimatums rarely go the way people hope..    People should get married because being married is important to them, not because they are afraid of what will happen if they don't.  Now if he says yes there could always be a part of you that wonders if he married you because he really wanted to or because he was scared.   There could also be a place in him for resentment to grow.   

I sincerely hope things workout well for the 2 of you and that your conversation today clears the air.    If the conversation ends with you BOTH still wanting to get married then I say why wait?   Why plan?   Head to a courthouse tomorrow or the next day and JUST DO IT!   The marriage is far more important than the wedding... it could be the planning or the people that has him backing up.   Good Luck no matter what! (=

indymom72
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2012 at 9:11 AM
1 mom liked this

Ultimatums do work, if you MEAN what you say.  You just need to prepare yourself for him to say no, and have a plan ready.

vwd_johnson
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 9:34 AM
I agree with MocahFrapp & get what she is saying. Your reading it the wrong way. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, its a promise made for life.

HE has everything he wants from her, meaning he doesn't want the commitment of "forever". He has the love from a woman, 3 kids, a home etc... He doesn't want to be tied down possibly.

He has his bed for him, that's what I got from what MocahFrapp said

No reason to be so rude just cause you read it a different way Liyoness!


Quoting Liyoness:

So, in other words, you don't have an intelligent reply.. I caught you in a contradiction and you have no way of making it make sense. Gotcha.


Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Lol I don't Care what you think, its the Original Poster I want to hear from smh



Quoting Liyoness:

So wait... It's not just a piece of paper, and yet he has everything he wants already..... So.... Which is it? You're contradicting yourself there.  What is going to change in their relationship if they get a marriage certificate, 8 years and 3 kids later?



Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Its not just a piece of paper,
it seems like he's got everything he wants from you already and doesn't have the desire to wed.
8 years and three kids later? I would've known something was up after being engaged for so long.
As for tax returns, I file married filing separately :0)



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vwd_johnson
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 9:41 AM
1 mom liked this
Aw good luck with the convo mama, let us know how it goes :(

I hope you get the responses you've been looking for.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Tigress22304
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 9:52 AM

try waiting 24yrs like my SF did with my mom=he finally told her pick a JOP and pick a date or I'm walking...so she did it.

Good Luck to you!

Liyoness
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 1:18 PM

I was rude because her response was rude. :)

So, what makes you think he doesn't want the commitment forever? The piece of paper isn't going to keep you committed forever.

By the sounds of things, OP has everything she wants from her SO, as well.

Too many people lose sight of the fact that it is a strong relationship that keeps a couple together forever, it isn't the piece of paper that makes the relationship successful. Relationships do not fail just because they didn't sign a marriage certificate - unless, of course, that's a deal breaker.. The OP needs to decide if it's a deal breaker. But if she has a happy relationship, it seems silly to end it just because he doesn't want a ceremony. Privately declaring their dedication to one another is just as good. Heck, they could both sign a piece of card stock and hang it on their wall if they wanted to. The government only makes money off of marriage licenses because they can, not because it is necessary.

Quoting vwd_johnson:

I agree with MocahFrapp & get what she is saying. Your reading it the wrong way. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, its a promise made for life.

HE has everything he wants from her, meaning he doesn't want the commitment of "forever". He has the love from a woman, 3 kids, a home etc... He doesn't want to be tied down possibly.

He has his bed for him, that's what I got from what MocahFrapp said

No reason to be so rude just cause you read it a different way Liyoness!


Quoting Liyoness:

So, in other words, you don't have an intelligent reply.. I caught you in a contradiction and you have no way of making it make sense. Gotcha.


Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Lol I don't Care what you think, its the Original Poster I want to hear from smh



Quoting Liyoness:

So wait... It's not just a piece of paper, and yet he has everything he wants already..... So.... Which is it? You're contradicting yourself there.  What is going to change in their relationship if they get a marriage certificate, 8 years and 3 kids later?



Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Its not just a piece of paper,
it seems like he's got everything he wants from you already and doesn't have the desire to wed.
8 years and three kids later? I would've known something was up after being engaged for so long.
As for tax returns, I file married filing separately :0)




xxMocahFrappxx
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 1:25 PM
2 moms liked this
My exact meaning
And Thank you, I really appreciate your post :0) I wish the OP much love and luck! Have a great day!!
Quoting vwd_johnson:

I agree with MocahFrapp & get what she is saying. Your reading it the wrong way. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, its a promise made for life.



HE has everything he wants from her, meaning he doesn't want the commitment of "forever". He has the love from a woman, 3 kids, a home etc... He doesn't want to be tied down possibly.



He has his bed for him, that's what I got from what MocahFrapp said



No reason to be so rude just cause you read it a different way Liyoness!


Quoting Liyoness:

So, in other words, you don't have an intelligent reply.. I caught you in a contradiction and you have no way of making it make sense. Gotcha.



Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Lol I don't Care what you think, its the Original Poster I want to hear from smh





Quoting Liyoness:

So wait... It's not just a piece of paper, and yet he has everything he wants already..... So.... Which is it? You're contradicting yourself there.  What is going to change in their relationship if they get a marriage certificate, 8 years and 3 kids later?






Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Its not just a piece of paper,
it seems like he's got everything he wants from you already and doesn't have the desire to wed.
8 years and three kids later? I would've known something was up after being engaged for so long.
As for tax returns, I file married filing separately :0)



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Liyoness
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 1:27 PM

I'm not sure if you're agreeing with me or not, but I like your response anyway. I feel the same way, except I do not believe that the government needs to issue a marriage certificate in order for there to be a marriage. If one needs a physical representation of that promise, they can make and sign a certificate themselves.

The truth is, the world doesn't care what promise you made to your spouse. The only person who needs to hear your promises and see you follow through on them is your partner. If one wants a ceremony and party, fair enough - just remember, all those people who came to your wedding aren't going to hold you accountable when (if) you announce your intention to divorce.


Quoting olivejuice2:


Marriage is not about changing your relationship, it's about promising to spend your lives together. Marriage is not just a piece of paper because it is a physical representation of that promise, and it lets the world know that the promise has been made. There is no contradiction between cohabiting and wanting marriage.

The mentality of "why buy the cow" is ridiculous and insulting. As a woman, if a man wanted to marry me so he could get the "milk" I wasn't giving him for free, I would run. It's insulting to men to imply that "milk" is the best reason to get married, and it's insulting to women to imply that their biggest value to men is their "milk".

After living with him for 4 years, I married the love of my life. We married because we want to be together and we wanted to proclaim our intentions and make our promises in front of our loved ones. Not because there would be some kind of change in our relationship. In fact, our relationship didn't change a bit. Our dd's birth changed our relationship more than getting married did.


Quoting Liyoness:

So, in other words, you don't have an intelligent reply.. I caught you in a contradiction and you have no way of making it make sense. Gotcha.


Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Lol I don't Care what you think, its the Original Poster I want to hear from smh



Quoting Liyoness:

So wait... It's not just a piece of paper, and yet he has everything he wants already..... So.... Which is it? You're contradicting yourself there.  What is going to change in their relationship if they get a marriage certificate, 8 years and 3 kids later?



Quoting xxMocahFrappxx:

Its not just a piece of paper,
it seems like he's got everything he wants from you already and doesn't have the desire to wed.
8 years and three kids later? I would've known something was up after being engaged for so long.
As for tax returns, I file married filing separately :0)




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