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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I think my husband is leaving (w/ new update)

Posted by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 1:38 AM
  • 28 Replies

We just moved here.  The kids and I came down in March and he joined us in June after our son graduated from high school.  Our son chose to remain behind and start tech school to learn to be an electrician.  I know he is really missing our son (he has always played favorites with this particular child and its no secret to anyone) and he has said that he is sorry we moved here, but we really had no choice.  There were no jobs there that could support a family.  He got a really good job within a month of us moving here and we have rented a nice house and just have gotten all settled in.  So, I sat down at the computer earlier and found several screens open.  They were various job listings and ads for apartments-1 bd/1ba-back in our old state.  At first I thought he might be looking to help our son find a new place to live, but the job listings were very obviously for him.  One of the kids called me away from the computer for a few minutes and when I came back, the screens were closed and he had erased the browsing history.  He has been very touchy and irritable the last few days and earlier he got really angry over a stupid little thing (he had asked me to get some batteries for the remote when I was at the store and I forgot) and started yelling at me that I have done nothing but make his life miserable.  While I was putting kids to bed, he went in and went to bed and fell asleep all rolled up in his blankets and practically falling off the bed he was clinging so tight to the other side from mine.  He usually lays awake watching TV until I come to bed. 

For the first time, I am really scared.  With 4 kids still at home, I have no idea how I would support us if he leaves.  And from the job listings he was looking at, he sure isn't working to find a job that he could afford child support on.  Every one of them barely paid enough to support him alone.  I do office temp work, so I will often only work for a week or two at a time and then have several weeks off.  I don't have much earning power.  About the best I can manage is about $10-11 per hour.  I'd have to work 2 jobs just to keep a roof over the kids heads.  Then who would raise my kids?  I am trying to be angry, but I am just tired.

Update:  He left for work really early this morning and I found his wedding ring sitting on the table in front of the framed picture of us that sits on his night table.  I can't remember a day when he left for work without kissing me goodbye.  If I am still asleep, he will even come over and wake me up enough to let me know he is leaving.

I am so confused!  My husband got home from work (yes, he did come home) and pretty much ignored everyone all evening.  Our daughters and I had plan for the evening so I was gone and the boys just played computer games all evening (no homework got done) and I out them to bed -quite late-when I got home.  He left early again the next morning.  When he got home last night, he acted like nothing was wrong.  He brought me roses, and said he thought he lost his wedding ring.  It must have fallen off.  His ring is so snug, that he has to really work at it to get it off.  There is no way it could have come off by accident.  I told him I had it and he acted relieved and asked for it back.  I tried to talk to him and he refused to admit that anything was wrong.  He said he was was just cranky because he was tired.  I referred to the fight and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about.  I asked about the computer search and he said whatever it was-he didn't know what I was talking about-but I must have misinterpreted what I saw.  When I tried to press the issue, he stopped, gave me THAT LOOK and said "Just leave it alone."  and refuses to even talk about it.  I decided that this time, it is in the best interests of me and the kids to just drop it.  But I'll be watching.

by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 1:38 AM
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Replies (1-10):
geronima2003
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 1:41 AM
Try counseling. Marriage takes work & you guys can't quit! Good luck.
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shadow_lark
by Silver Member on Aug. 20, 2012 at 1:43 AM
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I think before you torment yourself with the what ifs you need to talk to your dh. tell him, not in an accusatory way, that you saw the listings up and have noticed that he has been irritable lately. see if you can get him to tell you what is on his mind and then go from there.
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MomofSCMJJA
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 2:10 AM
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Quoting geronima2003:

Try counseling. Marriage takes work & you guys can't quit! Good luck.


I'm not trying to be snotty, but I would think after as many years as we've been maried that I know that marraige takes work.  We have been through a lot over the years and we have always faced it together and managed to overcome the challenges we've faced.  And although you say we can't quit, unfortunately, I can't keep him from quitting if he chooses to.  I just don't understand how he can think of leaving the kids, not when he was SOOOO miserable during the 10 weeks that we were seperated last spring while the kids and I were here and he was there.

Miathenajane
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 2:17 AM
Making a marriage work is hard work, sorry you are going thru that, if he gave up, you cant beat yourself up, and dont feel like your not trying, it takes 2 to make it work....so much u can do....u really dont know how he truely feels marriage and life gets to everyone. Im sorry u feel the way u do.
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MomofSCMJJA
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 2:19 AM


Quoting shadow_lark:

I think before you torment yourself with the what ifs you need to talk to your dh. tell him, not in an accusatory way, that you saw the listings up and have noticed that he has been irritable lately. see if you can get him to tell you what is on his mind and then go from there.

I already know part of it.  About 1 1/2 years ago, he was laid off of his job.  This was 4 months after I was laid off.  He hunted for work for 8 months before he finally found a job-that paid less than 1/3 of what he had been making.  It was all he could find, so he took it.  I never did find another job there, and for that and other reasons we chose to move to Arizona (where my whole family is) from Missoula, MT.  It was a real blow to his pride that he couldn't earn enough to support the family.  We were living in poverty (7 of us on less than $20,000 per year.)  Then when we got here, quite frankly I expected him to look for a job in the field he has been in for nearly 30 years.  He decided he wanted to change fields.  The new job he just started is a good move toward the new field he wants to be in, but is still related to his old one, and he was disappointed that he couldn't make a complete switch.

Midlife Crisis?

AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Aug. 20, 2012 at 3:18 AM
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Straight up ask him.  You have the right to know if he's planning on ditching out.  And I'm sorry, but if he is, he's still going to have to pay child support.  Nail his ass to the wall on that one.  And depending on what state you live in, he might have to pay alimony as well.  So if he's only making enough to support him, he's just going to screw himself that much more.

(big hugs)

dingysfamily
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 10:43 AM

You may know part of it, or at least you think you do ... but there is post likely more.  You really need to be up front with him and just sit him down and talk to him.  If he's willing to go, marriage counseling would probably be a help .. or cousiling for him to help himself; it sounds like he may be having some sort of depression. 

Quoting MomofSCMJJA:

 

Quoting shadow_lark:

I think before you torment yourself with the what ifs you need to talk to your dh. tell him, not in an accusatory way, that you saw the listings up and have noticed that he has been irritable lately. see if you can get him to tell you what is on his mind and then go from there.

I already know part of it.  About 1 1/2 years ago, he was laid off of his job.  This was 4 months after I was laid off.  He hunted for work for 8 months before he finally found a job-that paid less than 1/3 of what he had been making.  It was all he could find, so he took it.  I never did find another job there, and for that and other reasons we chose to move to Arizona (where my whole family is) from Missoula, MT.  It was a real blow to his pride that he couldn't earn enough to support the family.  We were living in poverty (7 of us on less than $20,000 per year.)  Then when we got here, quite frankly I expected him to look for a job in the field he has been in for nearly 30 years.  He decided he wanted to change fields.  The new job he just started is a good move toward the new field he wants to be in, but is still related to his old one, and he was disappointed that he couldn't make a complete switch.

Midlife Crisis?

 

-mrs.mamma-
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 10:45 AM

: (
so sorry, hun. could you maybe talk to him? see what's eating him up?

ShirreeM
by Member on Aug. 20, 2012 at 10:55 AM



Quoting -mrs.mamma-:

: (
so sorry, hun. could you maybe talk to him? see what's eating him up?


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OkieMommyOf6
by Member on Aug. 20, 2012 at 11:13 AM

sorry that you are going through this. i would try to sit down and talk to him about it. find out where he is at in his mind set. a marriage cant work unless you have communication. if he is doing this all over this one kid, honestly i think there may be more to the story than that. otherwise he needs to realize he didnt lose his kid forever just dont have him living with you and the rest of your kids.

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