Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Wondering what your thoughts are . . .

Posted by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:12 AM
  • 9 Replies

  So, DH is some ticked with me and will not tell me why or what I did.  He hasn't spoken to me since a week ago Sunday and is sleeping in his "doghouse" in the basement.  (He made this shrine)

  If this is like other times (although I'm not counting on it) he will one night come to our bedroom and want me to either come down to his room or come back to bed.  I know that when he does it is for one thing only and it will be "all okay" for a day or two and then he will either get angry again because he wants to talk about what made him angry in the first place or find something else to get angry about.

  So, am I being rude to tell him that we will not have sex until things are talked through and we make some headway and that he  can sleep in the basement by himself until this happens?

  I am trying to protect myself and I'm tired of "grudge sex".   Or thinking that everything is okay only to find out that nothing has changed except that he was hungry for sex and then goes back to the way things were.

by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:12 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-9):
mustloveanimals
by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:16 AM

This happens often? This man needs to work on expressing himself and not just throwing a tantrum. If I were you I would definitely want to know what is going on, and sex would definitely not be on my mind.

Anneliese's mompuppy

atmsmom2011
by Member on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:18 AM
Yes that is what I would do
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
mrsparker0
by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:20 AM
Yup right on target! Stand firm :)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
1984Grad
by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:21 AM


Quoting mustloveanimals:

This happens often? This man needs to work on expressing himself and not just throwing a tantrum. If I were you I would definitely want to know what is going on, and sex would definitely not be on my mind.

 This is something that has been happening about once a month for the last 6 months.  I am trying to figure out if it is PMS for him; response to my PMS; or am I dealing with someone with narcissistic personality traits.  There are other things that he does that don't seem normal for someone who wants to have a marriage work.  IE:  choosing his family over us.

  I am trying to keep in mind that I am only seeing what I am allowing myself to see and trying to figure out what I contribute to things as well.  But you know how that goes.  I am not perfect, I know that, I see that and I have apologized for that but it just doesn't seem to change.  No matter what changes I make in me nothing better happens.

  Sex is only on my mind in that I really don't want to "sell myself out" to someone who really only wants that from me.

  Thanks for the reply.

catrig
by Bronze Member on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:22 AM

You are right to do that.  He needs to quit acting like a child.  If there is a problem, he needs to address it with you.

mustloveanimals
by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:27 AM

How would he respond to a serious, sit-down discussion? Yes, we do only see what we choose to see, and then we only share on here our "side" so to speak. I think you are starting out right by acknowledging you play a role even if you don't really know what your role in this is. It seems like such odd behavior. How old is he? Would he be open to counseling? I wonder what traits you are seeing to lead you to think he is a narcissist. I hope he isn't, because there really is no working with that personlity disorder. I wonder if he has some kind of rapid cycling bipolar, or is he using drugs? I don't mean to be so extreme with my questions. Pardon me if I'm out of line!

Quoting 1984Grad:


Quoting mustloveanimals:

This happens often? This man needs to work on expressing himself and not just throwing a tantrum. If I were you I would definitely want to know what is going on, and sex would definitely not be on my mind.

 This is something that has been happening about once a month for the last 6 months.  I am trying to figure out if it is PMS for him; response to my PMS; or am I dealing with someone with narcissistic personality traits.  There are other things that he does that don't seem normal for someone who wants to have a marriage work.  IE:  choosing his family over us.

  I am trying to keep in mind that I am only seeing what I am allowing myself to see and trying to figure out what I contribute to things as well.  But you know how that goes.  I am not perfect, I know that, I see that and I have apologized for that but it just doesn't seem to change.  No matter what changes I make in me nothing better happens.

  Sex is only on my mind in that I really don't want to "sell myself out" to someone who really only wants that from me.

  Thanks for the reply.


Anneliese's mompuppy

SareyF
by Sarah on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:31 AM
Absolutely don't cave until things have been discussed and smoothed out.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
1984Grad
by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:33 AM

 

  Hmmm,  LOL.  Your questioning is not extreme.  I know where I am and I have been on here long enough to know that there really is no extreme in this world.
  I will try to answer your questions.  He is 50 and we have been married 4 1/2 years.  We have tried counselling and as soon as the counsellor suggested that there were some things that he should change (supporting his wife and not choosing his family all the time)  we left and he will not go back because there is nothing wrong with him and he will not change!!!!! 

  As far as the narcissist question, I guess I do too much reading and I was on another site thinking that it was bi-polar and when I described things it was suggested that the traits were more Narcissist than bi-polar.

  He is not using drugs, never has.  Does not drink because he is allergic to it. 

  No you are not out-of-line with your questioning and I know that here there is nothing that is "way out there".

Quoting mustloveanimals:

How would he respond to a serious, sit-down discussion? Yes, we do only see what we choose to see, and then we only share on here our "side" so to speak. I think you are starting out right by acknowledging you play a role even if you don't really know what your role in this is. It seems like such odd behavior. How old is he? Would he be open to counseling? I wonder what traits you are seeing to lead you to think he is a narcissist. I hope he isn't, because there really is no working with that personlity disorder. I wonder if he has some kind of rapid cycling bipolar, or is he using drugs? I don't mean to be so extreme with my questions. Pardon me if I'm out of line!

Quoting 1984Grad:

 

Quoting mustloveanimals:

This happens often? This man needs to work on expressing himself and not just throwing a tantrum. If I were you I would definitely want to know what is going on, and sex would definitely not be on my mind.

 This is something that has been happening about once a month for the last 6 months.  I am trying to figure out if it is PMS for him; response to my PMS; or am I dealing with someone with narcissistic personality traits.  There are other things that he does that don't seem normal for someone who wants to have a marriage work.  IE:  choosing his family over us.

  I am trying to keep in mind that I am only seeing what I am allowing myself to see and trying to figure out what I contribute to things as well.  But you know how that goes.  I am not perfect, I know that, I see that and I have apologized for that but it just doesn't seem to change.  No matter what changes I make in me nothing better happens.

  Sex is only on my mind in that I really don't want to "sell myself out" to someone who really only wants that from me.

  Thanks for the reply.



AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:36 AM

No you're not being rude.  Your marriage isn't a yo-yo and deserves more respect than a temper tantrum.  If he can't grow up and learn to talk his feelings out instead of stomping his little feet, he can just stay in his "dog house".  JMHO

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)