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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

SAHM and really starting to hate it!

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I love that I get to watch my children grow and dont miss a thing. My daughter is 7 and is in school but my son is 11 months. I live that Im here for everything. However, I HATE not having a job. I hate not having my own paycheck. I hate not being able to just spend money on things I want. Instead I have to go thru my hubby. Now, dont get me wrong, he takes care of us. He pays the bills and then some. He even goes as far as paying for me to get my nails done. Even though he takes care of these things, he's hard to ask for money. He complains, but still does it. He always talks about having to do everything by himself and he's tired of not having any money for himself. That isn't completely true. He buys himself beer every single night (at least $15 worth), his chew (3 cans a day), and lunch (roughly $10 a day). Anyhow, I guess Im just tired of having to go to him everytime I want/need something when I used to be able to just do it myself.
My mom and grandparents live in Kansas and Arkansas and have offered to pay for two of the three tickets we need to make a trip from here (Colorado) to Wichita in November for Thanksgiving. We have never in the 9 years we have been together been to visit my family. They have always come here. Well, I have brought up the trip a few times and its like I don't get a straight answer from him. Im not a nagging type of person, but if we dont get the tickets soon, the price is going to keep going up. He keeps talking about how expensive it is going to be and Im starting to get upset. If I had a job and my own paycheck I would buy the ticket today! Im so frustrated and upset that he's not willing to help me out. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I expecting too much from him? I told him that I dont have to get my nails done ($20 every other week). I just need some advice on how to handle this situation.
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by on Aug. 30, 2012 at 11:13 AM
Replies (31-40):
IQuitCounting
by Bronze Member on Aug. 30, 2012 at 1:27 PM

I'm the same way with my husband only I feel no qualms about asking for money to put into my account.  Until he gets his act together and puts me on his, or opens a joint one, he's going to have to deal with it.  I'm home all day with out son and if we go out I need to be able to make sure I have cash for whatever may come up.  I did luck out, in a way, and he was a SAHD for a good chunk of the first year due to layoffs, so he KNOWS that being at home isn't just a walk in the park.

I do also pull in some of my own cash through my photography, but that has highs and lows depending on the season and demand so I can't always count on it.  It's handy though, when it does come in I bank it and still ask for money.  It gives me a safety net and allows me to save up for things like birthday gifts and such.

Have you considered taking the kids and going yourself?  Baby can be on your lap so that's just two tickets right there.

SuperMom2433
by on Aug. 30, 2012 at 1:28 PM
That would be great if we lived close. Def can't move closer to family because he's part owner of the shop. I wish I had enough strength to make myself just go w/o him but I wouldn't be able to.


Quoting AlannaMaria:

I see. I know just how that is. We have zero family here. It makes things a challenge not having anyone. I wish I lived close to you girl. We do all kinds of stuff together!! We are basically in the same boat =\ I just keep telling myself it's not forever... It's hard though. I have my days where I just want to brake down and scream, cry, curse... I would still go to see your parents wether he goes or not. You need to our of the house and have a good time with your family and get a break from the kids. Would he ever consider moving closer to family? I know that's not even an option for us. I just didn't if maybe that would be an option for you guys.



Quoting SuperMom2433:

I would have a job by now if we had family here. Unfortunately everyone is at least 2.5 hrs away.






Quoting AlannaMaria:

I get the daycare thing. It's hard to find people you trust with you children. I would def lOok into the gym. That way your son is with you and you know he is safe, it gets you out of the house and social, you can meet other moms, and you little bit will have other kids to play with. Does you hubs have family there that would help out with you son so you could work part time? You could even get like a breakfast waitressing job and be done by noonish.







Quoting SuperMom2433:

We have one fitness center but Im not sure if they have a childcare center there too. I'll ask though. That's a great idea. Its not that he doesn't want me to work, he just doesn't like daycares. He has a hard time trusting what happens. I understand where he's coming from. Plus, we had a bad experience when our daughter was one and in daycare. He's so busy at his shop that his hours are all over the place and he doesn't know when he will have days off. That's what makes it difficult for me to work when he isn't.










Quoting AlannaMaria:

Is there any fitness gyms close to you that have child care? If you do you could apply in the childcare and that way you could bring your son to work with you and work mornings. A lot of moms do that at my gym. What is his reason why he doesn't want you working? I think that's kind of selfish of him. I feel the same way as you at times too. I would live to go out and make money just to make me feel better about myself. Thankfully DH has never once said anything to me about spending money. What if you got a job on his days off?



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OHgirlinCA
by Silver Member on Aug. 30, 2012 at 1:28 PM

 It sounds like he has a control issue.  Perhaps asking him to see a financial advisor with you?   Or even some marriage counseling?  This is obviously affecting your marriage and the way you feel about each other.  I really don't know what else to say or how to help :(

Quoting SuperMom2433:

Highly doubt it. I could offer but Im afraid he would not be into that. He would most likely feel like Im taking his precious paycheck and doing as I please with it. One day he was in a pissy mood and made a comment how everyone is nice and has their hands out when he has money which is def not true. Im not that type of person. I think he said it out of anger because I let him know that comment was un called for and untrue. He felt bad but this is starting to get really old. I have talked to him and poured my feelings out to him about how I feel. How I feel like Im worthless in the financial aspect and how I am getting sick of hearing his complaining when he needs to buy groceries or pay the bills.


Quoting OHgirlinCA:

 I definately understand what you're saying, but things change and you have to change with it or else chaos ensues....  Would he be open to letting you take care of the bills and everything, as a way to "free" up his time to do other things?


Quoting SuperMom2433:

Since we have been together for 9 years and this is how its been since we have been living together, its hard to change that in his mind. You get what Im saying? Its starting to get worse though.



Quoting OHgirlinCA:


 That's just not healthy.  At all.  You're a team, and he needs to understand that.



Quoting SuperMom2433:

Multiple times I have talked to him about budgeting our money but he has yet to sit down with me. He's not very good with money but hell would freeze over before he would let me be in charge of his paycheck.




Quoting OHgirlinCA:



 I definately think you should take your family's offer to visit.  You should not have to ask your husband for every little thing.  The money he makes is not strictly his.  It is your family's.  I would ask him to sit down with you and create a budget that you'll both be happy with.  Every week or two, make time to sit down and discuss that budget and how it's going. 




 



 


 

081499
by on Aug. 30, 2012 at 1:31 PM

I haven't read the other responces, so sorry if this has already been suggested...

I'm a SAHM.  DH and I set up a separate checking account for me.  A certain amount of money is put in there when he gets paid every two weeks.  I use it to pay for groceries and other personal/household needs and other misc. stuff (clothes, fun things, etc.)  It works great for us because I don't have to bother him for money every few days.  And if I end up needing more for some reason, I just let him know and he puts more in the account.

Maybe something like this would work for you guys?  

SuperMom2433
by on Aug. 30, 2012 at 1:34 PM
Im looking into a little job as a server Mon thru Thurs, 3:30-10pm. If I can find someone to watch our son from 3-6 then hubby could pick him up when he's out of work.
About the beer, he will either get a 12pack or 20 pack. He doesn't drink all of it in one night. He will usually have leftovers and then buy same the next day. So he has a constant supply. Does that make sense?


Quoting Kaybean:

How about getting just a little part time job a couple nights a week or on the weekends just for some spending money? Also, your DH drinks enough to spend $15 a DAY on beer? That doesn't sound good...

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SuperMom2433
by on Aug. 30, 2012 at 1:36 PM
I have thought about this so much! I won't mention it to him because I know what he's going to say and how he would feel about that. He would feel like I have my hands out and that I shouldn't get a portion of his check like that. :|


Quoting 081499:

I haven't read the other responces, so sorry if this has already been suggested...

I'm a SAHM.  DH and I set up a separate checking account for me.  A certain amount of money is put in there when he gets paid every two weeks.  I use it to pay for groceries and other personal/household needs and other misc. stuff (clothes, fun things, etc.)  It works great for us because I don't have to bother him for money every few days.  And if I end up needing more for some reason, I just let him know and he puts more in the account.

Maybe something like this would work for you guys?  


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081499
by on Aug. 30, 2012 at 1:41 PM

Oy.  How do you guys deal with getting groceries and stuff now?  Do you go together?  Does he give you cash?

Quoting SuperMom2433:

I have thought about this so much! I won't mention it to him because I know what he's going to say and how he would feel about that. He would feel like I have my hands out and that I shouldn't get a portion of his check like that. :|


Quoting 081499:

I haven't read the other responces, so sorry if this has already been suggested...

I'm a SAHM.  DH and I set up a separate checking account for me.  A certain amount of money is put in there when he gets paid every two weeks.  I use it to pay for groceries and other personal/household needs and other misc. stuff (clothes, fun things, etc.)  It works great for us because I don't have to bother him for money every few days.  And if I end up needing more for some reason, I just let him know and he puts more in the account.

Maybe something like this would work for you guys?  



MrsApple
by Silver Member on Aug. 30, 2012 at 1:42 PM

That's how we are.Hubby and I made the decision together for me to be a SAHM.We have a joint account so I don't have to ask for money.He knows that I don't and wouldn't spend it irresponsibly.

Quoting MSmama_x3:

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My husband is pretty opposite. We agreed for me to stay home when our 4yr old was born, now we have a 3yr old and an 8mo. I'm taking on a fulltime load of classes from the community classes (pre reqs for Nursing). He never complains about paying all the bills;he feels as if it is how things should be until I get my nursing degree.

Even though we can afford it, I don't get my nails done, I DO have my hair done every 6weeks, I don't shop all the time unless we need something and he also buys beer after work and has a dip habit that costs roughly $60+ a week. He is at gas different gas stations all day for work (drives a gas tanker) and his spending really adds up...that gets to me sometimes because it's so wasteful when I can buy the things in bulk and save all the extra taxes on red bulls! I don't complain though. He works very hard, including out in the tornadic weather right now, to support his family. I believe if he can work 14-16 hrs a day 6 days a week, he can buy what he wants as long as we can afford it.

That being said, I don't think you should HAVE to ask for money. We we got married we became a team, nothing "his" or "mine"..it is ours!



thatislife
by on Aug. 30, 2012 at 1:47 PM
I don't mean to be mean but I'm hoping you can just see the situation through the eyes of someone else. You say he is a great husband and father but does a great husband and father really spend $40 a day on himself and then make his wife feel bad for buy diapers for his child. I think this is a serious marital issue it does not sound like he has any respect for you at all. I think you should push this issue. If he really wants a stay-at-home wife for his children then things need to change and it needs to be our money not his money that you have to beg for. Otherwise you need to get daycare and get a job. I hate to see you end up in a situation where you have no job skills and he decides to pull the plug financially.
MomofSCMJJA
by on Aug. 30, 2012 at 1:49 PM

That sound like us many years ago.  We finally came up with a way to stop the nonstop bickering over money.  We have four accounts-a bill-pay account, an individual account for each of us and a savings account.  We each get a reasonable allowance (his is about $50 per week-that includes lunches out, his chew, and any little stuff he wants to buy-gas money is separate and comes out of the billpay account.  Mine is about $100 per week and it included all of my running expenses-including gas since most of my driving is optional, as well as certain expenses for the kids) that we can spend any way we want without accountability.  Purchases over that have to be discussed. 

It sound to me like he is wasting a tremendous amount of money on addictions-hundreds of dollars a month.  THAT is an issue all on its own, seperate from money and needs to be treated as a health issue, not a financial one.  If you two have chosen for you to be a SAHM (as opposed to you being home because you were laid off of work, are attending school, or just don't want to work), then there should not be an issue over you having to beg for money.  That money belongs to BOTH of you, not just him. 

It may be that if he is not willing to deal with this, you may want to suggest that you see a marraige counselor.  But I will warn you, the first issue they will want to deal with is his drinking problem (and spending $15 per DAY on beer IS a problem) and his tobacco addiction-good grief 3 cans a DAY?

If he is not willing to deal with those problems, you may want to add another expense to your budget and get a really good life insurance policy since he is seriously compromising his health with his choices.  If he were to be diagnosed with cancer of the mouth, throat, or stomach or with cirrosis of the liver, what will happen to you and the kids?

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