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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

People are quick to say "dump him".....do they just say that or would really do that?

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Did you ever notice whether on your own posts or someone elses that what seems to be one of the first responses people have for you is "dump him".  I sometimes think that people say that just to come off like a hard ass when in reality in their own lives they know that they wouldnt.  Am I off the beaten path here?

by on Sep. 20, 2012 at 8:49 AM
Replies (71-72):
daijobu
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 3:29 AM

People who HAVE gone through tough times can tell you their reactions for certain.  People who haven't can only ASSUME how they would react.  People outside of those going through the rough times can guess based on their personal views, but don't have a real, emotional investment in the outcome.

I am going through issues with dh.  Until he actually cheated, I would have swore I would've told him to take a flying leap and I would have left with the kids.  My reactions were surprising, and I thought there had to be something wrong with me.  I didn't yell, freak out, scream, etc at him.  I was very numb.  Thankfully, I had a very objective and supportive friend to help me through the toughest initial time.  I didn't necessarily like everything she had to say, but it did make me more objective in looking at the whole situation.  Yes, I still get ticked off when thoughts of it pop up out of nowhere and would like to yell at him, but it would be so counter-productive to where we are now. Sometimes I tell him once it stettles down, but mostly I let it go.  I realize I don't fully trust him.  I'd like to get to that point, but it's still to soon.

I wasn't naieve (because he hid his cheating, doesn't mean I should have guessed THAT specifically was going on), but I also wasn't shallow enough to leave him without trying to work through what happened.  It doesn't mean I wouldn't have left eventually, depending on the outcome, but I couldn't have lived with myself if I immediately ran away (which is NOT the same as taking some time to be alone and deal with the sheer weight of emotions before trying to deal with the situation itself).  I was strangely numb for a little while before the soul-shredding grief kicked in.  It took a while longer before anger hit, but oddly I never yelled, ranted, or screamed at him.  He knew I was very upset and I told him what I thought of him and his choices and how his odd and rude behavior during the cheating hurt even if I didn't know where it was coming from.   If he had been just the tiniest bit less supportive since telling me, I seriously think I would be gone.  Thankfully the better part of him came out and has become the him he should have been to begin with.  Everything isn't perfect, but it's done nothing but improve. The pain isn't gone and flairs at odd times, but it doesn't hurt as much or as often.  

If it happened early in our relationship and had no kids, I probably wouldn't have given him much of a chance and may have walked away (but, that is ASSUMING).  I'll never know for sure since it didn't happen then.  But, I love the guy under all that B.S. and am glad I realized quickly that there was a reason I was hesitating and he/we were worth a second chance.  I asked him honestly if I was the one he wanted.  I gave him that chance to keep us or end it and he said he wanted me.  I flat-out told him from that point on we either became a better, more positive version of us and communicated better or we no longer were an us, because I couldn't be the only one who wanted it.  I am glad he was serious when he made his decision.  We're still working on the communication, but that takes time and effort.  And we believe we are worth it.   


MissElissa21
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 3:44 AM

I think that a lot of people just jump right to dump him without hearing the whole story, or even caring to go back and learn more about the story after it's been posted in the replies. I like to know more about a marriage before deciding divorce is the advice I want to give. Then again, I don't like to read the posts about boyfriends in here. I didn't come to this group to talk about boyfriends, so I always think "dump him," because if you are having such bad issues with someone that has no legal binding to you, then what the hell are you still doing together. There has to be a group for "getting married eventually, if we can get along."

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