I just don't know how to feel...just feeling down I gues...Really Long vent..
Hi, I'm Chloe. I have 2 beautiful little girls, Lilianna(2 years in Oct) and Kayleigh(born July 29th, so about 2 months old). I've been engaged to the love of my life, both of my little girls' daddy, for 3 years now. This is my first post so i thought I'd introduce myself, lol. Anyway, I'm confused as to how I should feel and what i should do either to better my situation or to just feel better.
I met my SO back when I was in 9th grade and we got along really well and were good friends for a year till we both moved away and lost touch with each other. Fast forward 5 years, I move back to the town we both used to live in and find out that I moved in right across the street from him! We hit it off real quick and start dating that day, lol. We both had some emotional baggage from our previous relationships, but nothing too bad and we both knew about each others pasts and stuff since we talked about it a bunch in the beginning, so as to have no secrets. My baggage was I had gotten out of a relationship only a few months before with a guy who I though I loved and who had strung me along for all it was worth always saying how much he loved and needed me...Blah blah blah. It took me awhile to get fully over him, especially since he came back into the picture a few months after my SO and i had started dating, but i can fully say I've had no feelings for him for over 2 years now. I will admit that i had feelings for one other guy back about a year and a half ago when my SO and i were having lots of relationship troubles. My SO was always going out with friends and leaving me home alone to take care of our baby girl, plus he ignored me most of the time when i was home and I felt really unloved and alone. Every time I brought it up, a huge fight would happen and made me feel even worse since we'd be further apart after it.....Anyway, so i started liking this other guy who did pay attention to me and talk to me, tell me I was pretty(which I needed to hear because of all the weight I still had on from being pregnant), laugh at my jokes, and just overall made me feel interesting and wanted. He ended up kissing me out of nowhere one day....I didn't tell SO for awhile that it had happened, but I did eventually, and we've worked it out. Yes i will admit it was my fault that the kiss happened since i put myself in the situation, though I do not claim full responsibility since I feel both my SO and the other guy are a bit to blame(mostly the other guy, only a tiny bit my SO). I was so surprised when the guy kissed me since it was, as i said, out of nowhere. After that me and him didn't really hang out much...dwindling down to basically never, and only when my SO was hanging out with him too(the guy is a mutual friend.) Anyway, me and SO have talked a lot and worked many things out. We fixed things up about the kiss, and then got out relationship back on track. He started paying attention to me again and we were able to rekindle our love and relationship. Since then I haven't even really talked to guys on my facebook because I feel guilty, though I know I'll never put myself in that situation again because I truly love my SO. I do not want any guy but him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is a great father, and most of the time is wonderful to me.
Ok so here's where it makes me confused on how to feel.....He is friends with a lot of his EX's...which I don't really care about that too much, with the exception of one woman. We all went to school together and she was always treating me cruddy...always treating me as though I was trash and lower then her. Well back when I was in 9th grade, she found out through our mutual friend that i liked my SO and since she also liked she chased him around before and after school, at lunch, between classes, and at every break for a week badgering him saying he should date me and that I was telling her to hook me up with him. telling her to chase and badger him till he said yes. Total lie(gah I still hate her, lol). Thats the reason he and I didn't date back then, because of her, though I'm glad because i know we weren't mature enough back then to have had a real relationship. After i moved away they dated for awhile. She was his first time(not her first time though), and he feel completely in love with her....she then turned around and started dating someone else without breaking up with him and acting as if they'd never been together (they were together for a few months but she was 18 and he was 17 so they didn't tell many people because they didn't want to get her in trouble). He was heartbroken. When we got together we talked all about it and I knew he wasn't fully over her, though it'd already almost been 2 years. He told me how much he'd loved her and how hurt he'd been, so I understood, though it stung to know he still liked her so long after. Anyway we talked about it again around a year ago because i was feeling insecure and I'd realised that I had no feelings for anyone else and had no desire to...that I wanted him and only him, forever. He told me he was completely over her, and had no feelings for her at all anymore, that they were just friends now and he was ok.
As of late I've been feeling so insecure because he works all day and is always gone because of it. I've been feeling insecure since the end of my pregnancy since I was huge and miserable, and felt ugly, lol. So about 2 weeks after our newest little DD was born somethings happened and I was talking to him and some things came up that totally hurt my feelings and made me so much more insecure, more on that in a few mins(will say it now though, he hasn't cheated on me so it wasn't that). Anyway he had changed he facebook password(found out since he was on the Internet on our WII and went to log into facebook and told me to look away then stood in front of the tv so i couldn't see the new password), which we both knew each others passwords since the beginning of the relationship, and we talked about that and he didn't want me to know it anymore......gah, whatever, just made me feel like he was hiding stuff from me. Well he gave it to me the other day of his own free will without me asking, which made me feel better, and today i logged in to check and see if he'd been messing around with this other girl(she is the thing i'm going to tell you about in a min), and i found some messages from his EX......I read them(he already knew I was going to, and he's read mine before. and before you bash me for checking up on his messages, I rarely ever do, just when it's really suspicious or I'm extra insecure. I've done it maybe 4 times in the 3 years i've had the passwords.). In it he told her that he still loves her......this is an old message, back in feb, but I was 4 months pregnant with out 2nd daughter. He also flirts with her and says something about if he wasn't engaged he'd so get back with her if he could get to where she is(she's living like 8 hours away, yay! and he said all of that in response to her having broke up with her bf.) Oh and not that this matters..but whe she found out he'd had a baby, she asked with who and he told her and she said something like "with that ugly ass we went to school with?" gee thanks...he didn't even really say much of anything about it just "hey..." and "yeah". *sigh* the one consolation is that she got married recently and that she didn't really seem interested in his saying he'd get back with her or that he loved her...she ignored it. He also said to another EX, when she broke up with her bf that he wishes he could get out to where she lived because he'd so get with her and told her we were having problems. And apparently at work he's been on chat sites or something...found 2 emails with girls hitting on him wanting to sex chat and look at nude pics(though I'm not sure if he did look at any they aren't on his emails(that part doesn't bother me so much since its just basically interactive porn with women he'll never meet, but with everything else...).
Ok, now for what happened to make me really insecure. we were talking one day about something...I was telling him how much I love him and only want him or something....anyway i said something about being jealous about him being around so many women at work all day everyday. and I said something about him not liking other women and being insecure, well he said "there's not really anyone else I like so don't worry." I was like "not really!??" and cornered him into telling me that he does like this one girl and that he's fantasized about his co-worker(the co-worker he doesn't "like" because she is older and not really his type of personality, she's just really pretty, so i don't care about this so much). The girl he has a crush on he was going to school with from jan to may....they talked all the time in the class and got along really well and hit it off great. I'm just so hurt that he actually really likes this girl, has a crush and talks to her on facebook at least 2-3 times a week....if he was just attracted to he it'd not be a big deal, but he really likes her. Or if our relationship wasn't doing good, I could understand too, but we've been doing pretty good...really well i thought. In his messages to her he'd even said they should hang out in town sometime because she was complaining of always being board. She at least put an end to any romantic hanging out(though I would like to believe he really just want to hang out as friends) by saying that she though he had a GF(he should have corrected her....we've been engaged for 3 years....) he told her yeah and that it'd just be as friends and that I was ok with him hanging with friends(yeah...but I'd perfer not alone with a girl friend, lol as I hope he'd perfer for me to not be alone with a guy friend.) The most disturbing thing for me is that he said she knows all about me and the girls, but in the messages she didn't seem too sure about me and didn't ever mention our first daughter(who he says is his whole life..so why not talk about her even once in the 6 months you've been talking to this chick on facebook?) And when he talked to her 2 days after our 2nd daughter was born she asked him what was up in his life and he said nothing......your baby was just born, but thats nothing?
I just don't know how to feel right now, I'm so sad and down. i love him with my whole heart and want so bad to raise our family together. I know our love life has been lacking the last few months because i was in a lot of pain before and after delivery, and I'm trying to now fix our love life, but with a toddler and a newborn, plus him going to sleep early for work we are still finding it trying. So i can excuse the hornyness and fantasies...but I'm having trouble dealing with him having a crush and telling other girls that he loves them :( I thought we were doing so good too.....we do still fight, but its a lot less ofter, we are finding things to d together, we are talking a lot better, and being lovey, our sex life is picking back up............I just don't know what to do to spark it all back into something great for him too. Do you think I'm asking too much with wishing he wanted me and only me with the exception of a few scattered fantasies and thinking other girls he sees are good looking? I know I have done wrong too, and that the relationship issuses are both of our fault..so maybe I deserve this. IDK.. I don't even know what I'm really, asking, lol...I just was really feeling down and needed to get this all out..I don't have anyone I can really talk to right now, so i had to let it out somewhere. Thank you for reading it and for any words of advice or encouragement, I really appreciate it.
I am sorry this is so long...and please excuse the rambling and any mistakes I made..It is wayyyyyy past my bedtime...I am exhausted, but as I said, i needed to get this all off my chest.
ETA: Thank you all so much for letting me vent my sadness and frustration, thats what I really needed to do. I really appreciate the advice, well wishes and prayers. He and I have talked and are working things out. We really do love each other and want to make this work, so we are going to try our hardest at it and give it our all, if after everything we can't fix it ,then we'll take that road when the time comes. As i said, thank you all so much, and i wish you all happiness and great days :)