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Have any of you been the cause of your marital problems?

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    I complain and blame and realize that I am the one who has hurt us.  I feel as low as I can and need to change things. Have any of you ladies thought this too? I haven't kept a united front as a parent with him. I argue with him all the time. I do the opposite of what he says. I make sex unappealing.  I have a miserable look on my face often or a problem with everything. And I so need his help with so many things in life and life would take a serious turn for the worse without him.

     Yesterday I pushed it too far and he is close to walking out.  I hurt like I didn't know I could hurt and I desperately want redemption. Please tell me I'm not alone. I am going to do better, it's not fair for me to act this way and hurt my children and my husband.


by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 8:25 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:00 AM
1 mom liked this

You're not alone. I am going through something similar right now. I am have some new found issues with jealousy and it is very much causing a huge wedge in my marriage. We don't have any issues with our sex life, just when MY jealousy issues come into play. 

by Amy on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:03 AM

I have definitely contributed to any unhappiness, as well as he has.  However, you should ask yourself why you act this way.  Finding out why will be important to figuring out how to go from here.

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

well I havent hurt the marriage but we have been stressed alot about money, we are doing better though, we and my husband love eachother so much and wouldnt fight if we wernt under stress, the stress does crazy things to people

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:07 AM
2 moms liked this

Im with you. 

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:11 AM
3 moms liked this
You can't blame him OR yourself for all the problems. It doesn't matter where it started, right now you feel unwanted and unappreciated and he feels neglected, unwanted and nagged. Both of you have to put effort in. He needs to put effort into meeting your needs and you his. It won't work if only one of you puts in effort.

For years I blamed my husband for all the problems we had. Then for years I blamed myself. Then I realized that we are both to blame for the things that work and don't work about our marriage. He started doing more to let me know he's got my back and I started doing more to let him know I've got his. But we BOTH had to take responsibility for the hurt we caused each other first.

Talk to him. Let him know that you are ready to take responsibility for the problems you have created and you want to work on things with him. He has to be willing to work on things too. Then you both say what you think is lacking, what you are going to do to fix it and then you follow through and support each other as you try to change your habits. If you ask him to kiss you every day after work and he forgets, gently remind him, or go kiss HIM. That is something else I found myself doing, being unwilling to meet my own needs and expecting him to do it all.

You are not alone and you are not a bad person. Good luck!
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:35 AM
1 mom liked this

 Get counseling. Get lots of counseling. Some for you, some for him and some for you together.

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:35 AM
1 mom liked this

Just understanding your part in it is a start, now it's beginning to change it that matters. We're all guilty of this from time to time I think in one way or another. It's just easier usually to see what OTHER people are doing and excusing or not recognizing your own part in the problems. I know when I'm frustrated with my relationship for one reason or another, I try to really ask myself what part I'm playing in the issue and how I can change it. Open, honest, frank communication with your spouse where you can both calmly talk about the things that are troubling you, where you're both free to be honest with each other without fear of a fight or anger can do wonders. Sounds like you have started the process, so finish it- address the things you've mentioned- change your outlook or demeanor or attitude- or if you can't simply change it, try faking it til you make it as they say- smile when you catch yourself frowning, remember why you love your partner when you find yourself thinking negatively about him, when you're tempted to argue, instead ask yourself what it is that is making you want to do that and how you can approach the topic differently. You're not alone by a long stretch- no one is perfect- we're all works in progress. Good luck.

by Bronze Member on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:44 AM
9 moms liked this

Then stop. This is only your current reality. Your train of thought, look on your face, and feeling of gratitude are controlled only by you.

My suggestion is start a gratitude journal. Every night write about something you are grateful for even if its one sentence: I am grateful for the food on our table. Better yet I am grateful for the food DH puts on our table!

Think of one kind think of DH a day, even if he annoys the shit out of you. And if you constantly remind yourself of the good in DH your mind will auto wheel good about him bc it will be a habit. Not DH is yelling. But maybe DH cares deeply about us having a clean home for our children, thats Noble of him many men don't care enough for that.

Smile. If you feel your face looking ugly and twisted, smile. Hang a travel mirror and walk past it and check your face. If its  looks ugly, smile. Eventually that smile won't be forced. It will be natural.

The power of thought may be one of the most powerful things in the would. Its proven fact from studies that a thought, telling a positive lie and getting a negitive person to believe it, can change their entire world because they keep thinking and beliving it. Like that weight loss study where they told people they were going to lose weight doing stuff that would not actually cause weight and the weight dropped. Or placebo pills that heel people.

Problem is your trapped in your negitive thoughts. Walk out on them, you bind yourself to them, they are just thoughts they can not bind themself to you. You are in complete control.

And stop hating on yourself, you'll make more negitive thoughts and grief for your family. Your reality will stay what you believe it to be. Remind yourself you are human and its easy to lose your way. Life is hard and there are no instructions. Remind yourself you are getting better everyday now. Everything you do from now on is kinder, smarter, better, more accepting, more loving than the things you did yesterday.

Good luck. i hope you get out of this rut.

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:50 AM

Yep you sound just like me. But my husband is also never one to admit he is cranky and will blame everything on me. He also NEVER says sorry. We can say some really horrible things to one another. We fight at every turn. I know I love him. But we just get so mad at each other. And he always says I've changed from the girl he met. I was really quite and shy when we met. But then if anyone gets to know me they know I'm loud and opinionated. That's just me. I guess he thought he was getting some quite little thing that would sit back and take his his mom does with his dad. But I'm too much like my mom...who he can't stand. I donno....It's hard to believe that we have been together for 11 years. Sometimes we both want out...but we can't bring ourselves to do it. We love each other...but it's not coming as easily as it once did.

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:50 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm in a similar boat, and realized that the cause of our problems started with me. We moved and I became stressed, uptight and bitchy. We're working on it now. It's a day by day process. I have good days, I have bad days, but I explained it to him and he gives me space when I need it. I also realized that all those things I feel he doesn't do -give me enough attention, do enough around the house, etc, - he doesn't do them becasue HE doesn't get them. Everything I need in our relationship, I realized he needed too, from me. Just be completely open and honest, and I definitely recommended the book "Make Love Last Forever" by  Blanshard. I recently found it for free on kindle and it has helped 70% with me understanding our relationship.Also apologizing and admitting what you're done/what you do is a hhuge step, and he will see that. Once you admit the problems, only then can you truly work on changing them. It takes a strong person to admit when they are wrong, and you have to be strong.

Good luck, and just remember to take a breath and calm down before reacting to anything. I am an immediate reactor, and it always makes things worse.

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