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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

My husband has been chatting with women online!!

Posted by on Oct. 1, 2012 at 1:51 PM
  • 14 Replies

I found out about a monthe ago. I was using his laptop and I couldn't remember the website he had showed me previously so I went into "History" in order to look it up. That's where I saw that he had been going to a specific social networking site, frequently. One listing caught my eye because it said chat next to it. So, being curious I opened it. That's when I found all his chats. He had been chatting with 3-4 different women for many months. I confronted him and he tried to lie his way out of it. Saying that he was "networking" for his old boss. I then told him I read each specific message. He was shocked and then told me "Oh, I was stupid. It was a mistake." Blah Blah Blah... Well anyway, we talked and cried it all out and I told him I would forgive him. Since he didn't actually have sex with them I thought it wouldn't be that big a deal to get over it. Wrong!! I can't trust him. Period! Every time he goes in the bedroom to get online I wonder who he's talking to. Every time his phone chimes I wonder if it's another woman messaging him. I find myself checking his computer for chat sites. Oh and that's another thing that makes it worse, he started deleting his history after that. I told him it makes him look more guilty. Now I can't tell if he quit or if he just knows how to delete individual sites from the history. It's a constant thought every single day for me. It's driving me crazy because he acts like he never did anything and if I even hint at not trusting him he gets all pissy. I feel he has no right to get pissy because he caused this. I feel like he should be doing whatever it takes to convince me he quit and to be extra affectionate to make me feel better, but he's doing the opposite. He less affectionate and does things that are suspicious. I can't take it!!! Please, tell me what you would do??

by on Oct. 1, 2012 at 1:51 PM
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m0mmy0ftw02012
by Bronze Member on Oct. 1, 2012 at 1:54 PM
6 moms liked this

i would create a profile on the dating site. and try to talk to him as someone else, just to see if he would answer back. If he did, i would be packing my things and moving on!!! 

blackcat1o2
by on Oct. 1, 2012 at 1:59 PM
Personally, I would call for a separation and either make him leave or leave yourself to see if that wakes him up to what's most important. If he isn't doing everything he possibly can to get you back with him, he isn't worth going back to. With my husband, I've found that he pretty much needs to be emotionally slapped in the face to wake up.
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meganisamom
by on Oct. 1, 2012 at 2:02 PM
1 mom liked this
Leave, or get therapy and see of you can ever trust him again. My first husband did that. Created a profile for himself as a "single father looking for kinky sex". Bastard. I had 3 kids under the age of 5 an my family told me to work it out. Well one more kid later and I hated his guts for what he did. I finally left. Best day of my life. I am remarried to an amazing man who thinks I'm gods gift to the world and you wanna know what? I still have trust issues, but he knows what I went through and never gets angry. I am very lucky. But your husband is a jerk. Good luck.
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CorpCityGrl
by Bronze Member on Oct. 1, 2012 at 2:04 PM

I was in a similar situation and I had found out that DH was talking to some girl on line. 

It's hard to re-gain trust and it takes a lot of work.  Sit down and talk to him again and lay it all out for him.  Tell him that you do not trust him and that his behavior has done nothing in a way for you to do so since you had found out about the on-line chats.  If he gets pissy, then so be it - you stand your ground because he's doing something wrong and he isn't making an effort to fix it or regain that trust you had in him.  He needs to be open with you about who he is communicating with.  Does he have a lock on his phone?  Also, reiterate about deleting the browsing history.  Tell him that it makes him look even guiltier by doing that.  If anything, go ahead and install a tracking software that will allow you to see what sites he's visited and capture screenshots - Omspy is good and runs undetected in the background.

MMerrill
by Melissa on Oct. 1, 2012 at 3:25 PM

If he isn't doing it anymore he needs to do everything he can do to make it known and obvious that he isn't screwing around on you!  He needs to leave his phone out, no password, no deleting texts, or let you check his phone.  He needs to be on the computer in front of you, give you access to his accounts, no deleting web history.  He needs to be 100% open and honest about everything, and if he isn't he's hiding something plain and simple.  Tell him this is what you want, and see what happens from there.  If you don't do something you'll always feel like this.

I understand that's extreem and of course in any marriage where this isn't happening I wouldn't tell someone to completely invade someones privacy like that, however if he messed up but swears he isn't doing it any more you would think he would be doing things like that to keep you at ease and SHOW you he isn't doing it anymore.  Actions speak louder than words.  My husband and I have full access to each others phones, accounts, internet history etc...not that we've ever need it but if something happened you are dang right I'm going to check up on him and he would do the same.

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MomToovey
by Marianne on Oct. 1, 2012 at 4:11 PM

 I would let him know that you're still healing from the hurt and it's taking a while for you to begin trusting him again. He made his bed, he needs to lie in it. If you want the relationship to work, I'd suggest counseling, it'll be good for both of you. Good luck.

twinsmomtx
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 2:04 PM
Well, I took some of the advice given here. I opened the line of communication betweens us. I told him exactly how I feel and he said that I either have to forgive and forget or it won't work. He said "no" to counseling because he doesn't want anyone to know what he did. He said its to embarrassing for him. He said I was making things to hard on him. So I told him we need to seperate so I can sort things out on my own. I told him to move out today. He said he needs a day or two to get a place so that he soesnt have to tell anyone I kicked him out. I swear he is being so selfish. Everything is about him and his feelings. What about my feelings? I am so upset!!
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m0mmy0ftw02012
by Bronze Member on Oct. 3, 2012 at 2:08 PM
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I think your doing the right thing. Kicking him out is a good thing. I hope it helps you and him and help him realize how important you are. If it doesnt open his eyes, then you are doing yourself a favor! Good luck sweetie i hope things gets better for you.

Quoting twinsmomtx:

Well, I took some of the advice given here. I opened the line of communication betweens us. I told him exactly how I feel and he said that I either have to forgive and forget or it won't work. He said "no" to counseling because he doesn't want anyone to know what he did. He said its to embarrassing for him. He said I was making things to hard on him. So I told him we need to seperate so I can sort things out on my own. I told him to move out today. He said he needs a day or two to get a place so that he soesnt have to tell anyone I kicked him out. I swear he is being so selfish. Everything is about him and his feelings. What about my feelings? I am so upset!!


in love  In love with an amazing man! I have two girls,     girl on a swing      girl on a swing.

Metteba
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 2:12 PM

Again, classic case of a SAHM who should be out there in world getting her own!!! He is cheating on you - dont enable him by saying its just chatting, chatting web cam, dating sites its all cheating. Talking to him isnt gonna work. You said it yourself he is less affectionate towards you. Men are easily enticed to chat with other women, the excitement just ignites his penis. I guess you have not been tending to his sexual needs and he yours? Well, you might as well get used to him doing this, either live with it or get out and find a man who will be good to you.

Lastly, why cant you start talking to other men on social/dating sites? Its just chatting right??

Mommyof5247
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 2:30 PM
I went through a similar situation & am still working on the trust part.
Thankfully, my DH has done evrything he can to prove to me that he will never make the mistake again but he has honestly taken quite a "beating" from me. And he tolerates a lot.
If you need your space, take it! Your DH doesn't sound too heartbroken about leaving so maybe it's for the best but him continuing to cover his butt from the embarassment & humiliation that you've had to feel is juvenile & self-centered. If you need him out, he needs to get out to let you think.

To express my feelings better when I was too angry to talk, I emailed my DH an article about infidelity & emotional infidelity. One was called "the need for truth". We also did some self-homework from marriage builders to better understand each others needs & hopes. But again, it all requires a willing partner.

Hugs to you! I know it hurts.
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