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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I think it's over...

Posted by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 1:31 AM
  • 44 Replies
My DF and I have been together almost 3 years, we have 13 month old twins. However, in that time, I've come to realize that his battle with his inner demons,is something he has no control over, nor will he even admit to. I really hate myself for giving up, but I can only reassure and try to support him for so long, only to be pushed aside. He drinks, that's his biggest problem. He had been sober almost 4 months, but he's relapsing. It's killing me to watch the downward spiral he is on. Even more so because he won't even acknowledge my efforts to help and my concern and worry.
I want to believe that if he leaves (which he has done before) that given time, he will begin to understand what we have/had. But I think he will let the alcohol take over. I have to find it in myself to be okay with that. I'm not sure how to do that.... I love him more than he could ever know, and it's killing me to watch him do this to himself and to our family.
I know,this is rambling, and if you made it all the way to this point, thank you!
I think I'm going to try to find the courage to write him a letter, then I'm going to let things go. Whatever happens, I'm going to find a way to be okay with it. I am strong, and I will make it through this. :'(
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by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 1:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
katamike
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 1:39 AM

 Is there an alcohol abuse center you can send him to? I don't know your situation, but if it were me, that is what i would do. So sorry your going through this right now.

little.worthen
by Tessie on Oct. 4, 2012 at 1:41 AM
Yeah this. I mean.. I wouldn't leave someone because they are struggling.. Get him some help..

Quoting katamike:

 Is there an alcohol abuse center you can send him to? I don't know your situation, but if it were me, that is what i would do. So sorry your going through this right now.

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scoleman828
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 1:58 AM
Oh, I've tried. More than you know, I've tried. He doesn't think he's got a problem. in the almost 3 years we've been together, he takes monthly (not in the last 5 months though) 4 day drinking binges, where I won't see or hear from him AT ALL. He got a dui back in June, here in NM that means VERY stuff punishment. He could go back to jail for probation violation because he's drinking. He just finished an 11 week intensive outpatient substance abuse program, which he claims was a waste of time.
He is hurtful, mean and nasty when he drinks and he neglects our kids. He tells,me everything I say is a lie he can't talk to me about anything because I spread rumors (which is in NO WAY true), he lies to me. I would NEVER give up on him if he truly trying. But, I can't take the hurt of all my wasted effort anymore.

Quoting little.worthen:

Yeah this. I mean.. I wouldn't leave someone because they are struggling.. Get him some help..



Quoting katamike:

 Is there an alcohol abuse center you can send him to? I don't know your situation, but if it were me, that is what i would do. So sorry your going through this right now.

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scoleman828
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:03 AM
Not to mention, I have a strong suspicion that he's planning another one of his "binges". I can't allow him to continue to walk in and out of our lives as he pleased. He has left me before with no money, no formula, and no diapers for the kids. Then, when he gets good and ready, he comes back and plays the "poor me" card. I fall for it, and let it go. I can't do that anymore. It's too much of an emotional roller coaster. I think he's reached a point that is beyond anything I can do for him. He may have to hit rock bottom before he sees what he has.

Quoting scoleman828:

Oh, I've tried. More than you know, I've tried. He doesn't think he's got a problem. in the almost 3 years we've been together, he takes monthly (not in the last 5 months though) 4 day drinking binges, where I won't see or hear from him AT ALL. He got a dui back in June, here in NM that means VERY stuff punishment. He could go back to jail for probation violation because he's drinking. He just finished an 11 week intensive outpatient substance abuse program, which he claims was a waste of time.

He is hurtful, mean and nasty when he drinks and he neglects our kids. He tells,me everything I say is a lie he can't talk to me about anything because I spread rumors (which is in NO WAY true), he lies to me. I would NEVER give up on him if he truly trying. But, I can't take the hurt of all my wasted effort anymore.



Quoting little.worthen:

Yeah this. I mean.. I wouldn't leave someone because they are struggling.. Get him some help..





Quoting katamike:

 Is there an alcohol abuse center you can send him to? I don't know your situation, but if it were me, that is what i would do. So sorry your going through this right now.

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CameronsMommy23
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:05 AM
Big hugs!! Substance abuse is a really tough battle for the person going through it and even tougher for their families. I'd have him put into another longer term facility asap against his will. As his wife I think you can do so if he poses a danger to himself and/or others. He may struggle and he may be mad but maybe with intense help he can pull through and be the man you need. Don't give up. Hang in there!
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scoleman828
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:14 AM
We're not married yet. I'm going to call his counselor at the VA tomorrow and see what the options are. Unfortunately, I'm dealing with more than just the substance abuse - he also has ptsd, a brain injury from a car accident while he was in the military, and (undiagnosed but, I believe) is bipolar. He won't admit yo having any issues though, other than the brain injury, which he used as leverage to get pity.

Quoting CameronsMommy23:

Big hugs!! Substance abuse is a really tough battle for the person going through it and even tougher for their families. I'd have him put into another longer term facility asap against his will. As his wife I think you can do so if he poses a danger to himself and/or others. He may struggle and he may be mad but maybe with intense help he can pull through and be the man you need. Don't give up. Hang in there!
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jeniemarie
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:14 AM
1 mom liked this
as a wife of a now sober husband, you have to get to the point were you and the kids are worth more. it took me almost d yrs to realize that it is HIS choice to stop. he has to be the one to nake the choice. you can love him, forgive, take him to therapy but in the end he has to choose to quit for himself not for anyone else. do you really want your children around this? i finally had enough the day he hit me. i left and told him he had to make his choice either his drink or his family. there are programs and meds and other resources out there if he chooses to quit and it wont be easy but it is worth it. i normaly dont say oh just leave him but in these cases he can become a danger to you and your children. do you have somewhere you can go? taking some time away and you leaving him instead of him leaving may open his eyes. praying for you and your family. living with an alcholic is hell
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scoleman828
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:19 AM
Unfortunately, I really don't have anywhere I can go longer than a few days, which is not long enough. I am never quick to give up but I'm getting to the point that I do fear, mostly for my kids.I don't think he would hurt them intentionally but they both have bleeding diaper rash now because he didn't change then for HOURS. Things like that are what is making this choice easier.

Quoting jeniemarie:

as a wife of a now sober husband, you have to get to the point were you and the kids are worth more. it took me almost d yrs to realize that it is HIS choice to stop. he has to be the one to nake the choice. you can love him, forgive, take him to therapy but in the end he has to choose to quit for himself not for anyone else. do you really want your children around this? i finally had enough the day he hit me. i left and told him he had to make his choice either his drink or his family. there are programs and meds and other resources out there if he chooses to quit and it wont be easy but it is worth it. i normaly dont say oh just leave him but in these cases he can become a danger to you and your children. do you have somewhere you can go? taking some time away and you leaving him instead of him leaving may open his eyes. praying for you and your family. living with an alcholic is hell
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
CameronsMommy23
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:24 AM
Can you make him leave? If he's got to hit rock bottom and he's dangerous then give him the boot until he can get the picture. If he's disappeared on you before he must have a place to stay right? Ask for public assistance til you can get on your feet. Go to churches, family, etc if you need to. Hang in there!!
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jeniemarie
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:26 AM
1 mom liked this
is there a local womans shelter? or do you have a local helpline type center that can maybe get you somewhere safe? maybe a low imcome housing program? you might be able to go to your local welfare office and get pointed in the right direction. im sorry you are having to go through this. my DH has bipolar and now is being properly medicated by a docter but if he wont admit he has a problem then the docter wont be able to do much to help :-(

Quoting scoleman828:

Unfortunately, I really don't have anywhere I can go longer than a few days, which is not long enough. I am never quick to give up but I'm getting to the point that I do fear, mostly for my kids.I don't think he would hurt them intentionally but they both have bleeding diaper rash now because he didn't change then for HOURS. Things like that are what is making this choice easier.



Quoting jeniemarie:

as a wife of a now sober husband, you have to get to the point were you and the kids are worth more. it took me almost d yrs to realize that it is HIS choice to stop. he has to be the one to nake the choice. you can love him, forgive, take him to therapy but in the end he has to choose to quit for himself not for anyone else. do you really want your children around this? i finally had enough the day he hit me. i left and told him he had to make his choice either his drink or his family. there are programs and meds and other resources out there if he chooses to quit and it wont be easy but it is worth it. i normaly dont say oh just leave him but in these cases he can become a danger to you and your children. do you have somewhere you can go? taking some time away and you leaving him instead of him leaving may open his eyes. praying for you and your family. living with an alcholic is hell
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