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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage
My DF and I have been together almost 3 years, we have 13 month old twins. However, in that time, I've come to realize that his battle with his inner demons,is something he has no control over, nor will he even admit to. I really hate myself for giving up, but I can only reassure and try to support him for so long, only to be pushed aside. He drinks, that's his biggest problem. He had been sober almost 4 months, but he's relapsing. It's killing me to watch the downward spiral he is on. Even more so because he won't even acknowledge my efforts to help and my concern and worry.
I want to believe that if he leaves (which he has done before) that given time, he will begin to understand what we have/had. But I think he will let the alcohol take over. I have to find it in myself to be okay with that. I'm not sure how to do that.... I love him more than he could ever know, and it's killing me to watch him do this to himself and to our family.
I know,this is rambling, and if you made it all the way to this point, thank you!
I think I'm going to try to find the courage to write him a letter, then I'm going to let things go. Whatever happens, I'm going to find a way to be okay with it. I am strong, and I will make it through this. :'(
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by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 1:31 AM
Replies (21-30):
-mrs.mamma-
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 9:03 AM
1 mom liked this

if you feel you've done everything in your power to try to help him, honestly, that's all you really can do. you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves - he doesn't even see that he has a problem. sorry, but I just don't think you can really help someone like that.

I think you've made the right decision. I'll pray for you and him and your family.

HUGS to you, dear. you're a strong, STRONG woman. keep your head up & keep pushing forward. take it hour by hour. you'll be okay.

Quoting scoleman828:

Not to mention, I have a strong suspicion that he's planning another one of his "binges". I can't allow him to continue to walk in and out of our lives as he pleased. He has left me before with no money, no formula, and no diapers for the kids. Then, when he gets good and ready, he comes back and plays the "poor me" card. I fall for it, and let it go. I can't do that anymore. It's too much of an emotional roller coaster. I think he's reached a point that is beyond anything I can do for him. He may have to hit rock bottom before he sees what he has.

Quoting scoleman828:

Oh, I've tried. More than you know, I've tried. He doesn't think he's got a problem. in the almost 3 years we've been together, he takes monthly (not in the last 5 months though) 4 day drinking binges, where I won't see or hear from him AT ALL. He got a dui back in June, here in NM that means VERY stuff punishment. He could go back to jail for probation violation because he's drinking. He just finished an 11 week intensive outpatient substance abuse program, which he claims was a waste of time.

He is hurtful, mean and nasty when he drinks and he neglects our kids. He tells,me everything I say is a lie he can't talk to me about anything because I spread rumors (which is in NO WAY true), he lies to me. I would NEVER give up on him if he truly trying. But, I can't take the hurt of all my wasted effort anymore.



Quoting little.worthen:

Yeah this. I mean.. I wouldn't leave someone because they are struggling.. Get him some help..





Quoting katamike:

 Is there an alcohol abuse center you can send him to? I don't know your situation, but if it were me, that is what i would do. So sorry your going through this right now.


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jen1130
by Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 9:06 AM
I am very sorry... This is very sad for all of you. Just keep being strong and move forward. Either he will fix his life or not but either way you and the children have a chance & you are your children's only chance.

Very best of luck to you.
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scoleman828
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 9:08 AM
Thank you! I would never give up on him if he were fighting it. I just can't be the only one who wants it for him. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I know I have to take a stand for what is right and let him make his decision from there.

Quoting -mrs.mamma-:

if you feel you've done everything in your power to try to help him, honestly, that's all you really can do. you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves - he doesn't even see that he has a problem. sorry, but I just don't think you can really help someone like that.

I think you've made the right decision. I'll pray for you and him and your family.

HUGS to you, dear. you're a strong, STRONG woman. keep your head up & keep pushing forward. take it hour by hour. you'll be okay.

Quoting scoleman828:

Not to mention, I have a strong suspicion that he's planning another one of his "binges". I can't allow him to continue to walk in and out of our lives as he pleased. He has left me before with no money, no formula, and no diapers for the kids. Then, when he gets good and ready, he comes back and plays the "poor me" card. I fall for it, and let it go. I can't do that anymore. It's too much of an emotional roller coaster. I think he's reached a point that is beyond anything I can do for him. He may have to hit rock bottom before he sees what he has.



Quoting scoleman828:

Oh, I've tried. More than you know, I've tried. He doesn't think he's got a problem. in the almost 3 years we've been together, he takes monthly (not in the last 5 months though) 4 day drinking binges, where I won't see or hear from him AT ALL. He got a dui back in June, here in NM that means VERY stuff punishment. He could go back to jail for probation violation because he's drinking. He just finished an 11 week intensive outpatient substance abuse program, which he claims was a waste of time.


He is hurtful, mean and nasty when he drinks and he neglects our kids. He tells,me everything I say is a lie he can't talk to me about anything because I spread rumors (which is in NO WAY true), he lies to me. I would NEVER give up on him if he truly trying. But, I can't take the hurt of all my wasted effort anymore.





Quoting little.worthen:

Yeah this. I mean.. I wouldn't leave someone because they are struggling.. Get him some help..







Quoting katamike:

 Is there an alcohol abuse center you can send him to? I don't know your situation, but if it were me, that is what i would do. So sorry your going through this right now.


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scoleman828
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 9:09 AM
Thank you. It is truly devastating and heartbreaking to me, but I can't allow my kids to grow up in this kind of toxic environment.

Quoting jen1130:

I am very sorry... This is very sad for all of you. Just keep being strong and move forward. Either he will fix his life or not but either way you and the children have a chance & you are your children's only chance.



Very best of luck to you.
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jdmom2002
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 9:22 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this. My dh started drinking heavily when we first go married, and swore there wasn't a problem. He was bad to spend diaper/formula money on beer.  One day I went to the store to get diapers, and guess what the debit card wouldn't work.  I decided then that I couldn't let my dd suffer because of him.  I tried talking to him that night, he got angry and threw a glass against the wall, dd was in her crib and it shattered all around her.(thank goodness she wasn't hurt at all), I got up and started packing mine and her things...the thought of me leaving with our dd is what finally opened his eyes.  It wasn't easy but he did start trying then. We have now been married 12yrs and I love him more than I did then, and he has been sober for 10 years and 7 months.  I am praying that everything will work out for you. 

chaslee
by Bronze Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 9:31 AM

Where in NM are you?  We just moved from there, Albuquerque... NM is one of the hardest states to get help for alcoholism... every rehab center is over run with Meth and Heroin addicts, and that is ALL the centers seem to want to focus on.  I've been there, my husband is an alcoholic.  PM me if you want to talk.  We have been fighting this battle for over 10 years now and I have a LOT of NM resources for help for you and for your husband, should he decide he wants/needs it.

scoleman828
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 9:50 AM
I'm just south of Albuquerque. He just went through an 11 week intensive outpatient substance abuse program through the VA. I just don't think he wants help yet. Do you happen to know,of any local alanon meetings though? Thank you so much!

Quoting chaslee:

Where in NM are you?  We just moved from there, Albuquerque... NM is one of the hardest states to get help for alcoholism... every rehab center is over run with Meth and Heroin addicts, and that is ALL the centers seem to want to focus on.  I've been there, my husband is an alcoholic.  PM me if you want to talk.  We have been fighting this battle for over 10 years now and I have a LOT of NM resources for help for you and for your husband, should he decide he wants/needs it.

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chaslee
by Bronze Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 10:19 AM

My husband went through the 12 week program at Pres... but he wasn't ready yet to stop, so he kept saying the same thing "it didn't work, it was a bunch of crap".  Yeah, they have to be ready to want help.  He got his little "successful" coin and bought a bottle on the way home from the graduation ceremony.  I was heartbroken.  The last one he did was outpatient through UNM, after he checked himself into M.A.T.S. for five days to detox.

I don't have much information on Alanon, I went more with the private session therapy.  But I have a friend that I can ask that is a support counselor.  I will get back to you on it.

M.A.T.S has a lot of great information on support groups, so does UNM.  The UNM substance office up near the airport is great, and they have sliding scale counseling for spouses and family members.  I can't remember their walk in days... but I know you have to be there at the ungodly hour of 6:00 am to be seen.  You can make an appointment, and I think they just got more funding, so they have more appointments available, or at least they did four months ago, so you don't have the typical UNM wait of six months to see someone.

Quoting scoleman828:

I'm just south of Albuquerque. He just went through an 11 week intensive outpatient substance abuse program through the VA. I just don't think he wants help yet. Do you happen to know,of any local alanon meetings though? Thank you so much!

Quoting chaslee:

Where in NM are you?  We just moved from there, Albuquerque... NM is one of the hardest states to get help for alcoholism... every rehab center is over run with Meth and Heroin addicts, and that is ALL the centers seem to want to focus on.  I've been there, my husband is an alcoholic.  PM me if you want to talk.  We have been fighting this battle for over 10 years now and I have a LOT of NM resources for help for you and for your husband, should he decide he wants/needs it.


CorpCityGrl
by Bronze Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 11:12 AM

I am SO sorry! *hugs*

There are several things going on here and you mentioned that he has PTSD and a brain injury - the rest could be a direct result of that.  PTSD leads to anxiety and depression and drinking and it happens and it sounds like that's what is going on.  I know it's hard on you (I currently am dealing with a DH who is high anxiety and depressive and possibly suffering from PTSD) and I commend you for trying to stick it out and helping them, but he needs professional help.  If he is refusing it, he will not listen to you BECAUSE you are close to him.  In many instances, they have to hit rock bottom and be told by someone outside of their inner circle that they need help.  HE has to want to get help and get better.

You are not failing anybody if you choose to walk away - you have tried and you have a family to think of so no one will blame you.  If it takes you walking away for him to open his eyes, then so be it.  Get everything in order on your end and do what you need to do.

MomRocs1102
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 11:17 AM
Maybe your taking the twins and leaving is the eye opener he needs to get help or face the loss of his family. Your doing right you cant enable him watching him kill himself. Sorry this is happening hope it gets better and he realizes how much you love himand want him to love himself
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