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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Mr. Money Bags

Posted by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 9:38 AM
  • 4 Replies

So my husband and I are recently married and have had very different opinions on finances from the begining and have never had a clear conversation detailing what we expect from eachother.  The conversation will usually result in an argument and both of us walking away without a resolution.  

With that being said, I come from a very traditional up bringing in the sense that the husband was the bread winner and the mother stayed home with the children.   Since my husband has a considerablly higher income than I do I didn't think it was going to be a problem when we had our daughter and we decided I would work only part-time.  Well...I have cut my hours at work even farther...at my husbands request because ultimately it is easier for him to tell me not to work that to take care of our daughter, but that is an entirely different post.  I have changed my schedule at work a hundred times to try and make it more convenient for him, working days, evenings, nights, weekends only...but he seemed to have a problem no matter what time I was gone.    While I miss the independence of having my own career I was relieved when he told me to cut my hours because frankly I was tired of the stress of receiving phone calls at work about her waking up in the middle of the night, her crying, not eating dinner, refusing bath time...whatever it was, there was now way I could manage those problems from work so I would sit there for my 12hour shift worried about what was happening at home.  

But the problem lies in the fact that he has not offered any financial support since I have cut my hours.  We have kept our finances very seperate...he has his bank account, I have mine and we have a joint one together, but it has no money in it and we opened just because we got married. Because he is the primary bread winner and is making 6figures he pays for the expenses of the house...we are renting right now.  He does utilities, and rent, preschool and covers his own debts and I do groceries and the expenses for our daughter and pay my own debts.   I approached him this morning and told him that I didn't think working only 12 hours was going to be sustainable for me and he basically told me I am already living for free what do I need more than 200 dollars a week for (which is what I am making per week).  I AM SO MAD.  first of all he put me in this position and told me to stop working and then resents the fact that he has been providing for his family?! what is that?!  Part of what is bothering me so much is that what's his is his and mine is mine.  I just imagined it to be differently when we were married.  

It is awkward for me to have to ask for help financially as I have been so independent for so long.  But there has to be a better way than this.  How do you and your husband split finances?   Do you combine bills like cell phones/car insurance, etc? Who is the primary bread winner?  Can I ask him to help me pay my bills without seeming entitled?

by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 9:38 AM
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Replies (1-4):
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Oct. 5, 2012 at 9:49 AM

My husband and I have separate finances, and make equal amounts of money now, but in the beginning like you we had similar issues. I was a full time student and worked part time so I wasn't exactly rolling in dough. He would be a total ass about money if I asked. I made very little and he still expected me to pay half of the bills and nearly all expenses for our daughter. Finally, I had to break it down for him on paper with a calculator and actually SHOW him how bad off I was each month trying to keep up this way. His attitude changed after that.

8 years later and now some months I make more than him, so having separate finances works just fine. He pays rent (housing allowance from the military), cell phones, car insurace and cable/internet. I pay utilities and child care, and I am primarily responsible for our daughter's needs like clothes and school supplies. He pays his own car payment and credit card, my car is paid off but I paid my own car payment, credit cards, and student loans. We each buy groceries when we need them.We have no joint account. Each of us is responsible for ourselves when it comes to spending money. If we overspend before payday, oh well, sucks for us individually. 

You are going to get 50 responses here though that will all say "you need to DEMAND that he shares money and takes care of his family!" Unfortunately, that isn't all that helpful for advice. Good luck to you. 

mckinneymom918
by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 10:22 AM
When we were first married we had separate accounts, because really, we had separate lives before- both with household expenses, car payments, student loans, etc. so when we got married, it was easy for me to just move in and us continue to pay the same. We did consolidate a few things, our cell phones, our car insurance- he paid those, and I paid for groceries and paid when we ate out. We were married barely a year and he lost his job, so we took that opportunity to address the financial plans- he wasn't out of work long, just 2 days actually, he started working independently- so filling in at first, then landing a position on a few offices. Since then everything has come into "my" account, I have handled the bills. But in April of last year, I quit working, we just learned to do without the money I was making. It sounds like maybe your hubby thinks you just "play" with your money, and if that would be the case, I can see if point- but it reality is, you are contributing to the household with your checks. Just make sure he's aware of that, that the things you take care if will still need to be paid with your significantly reduced check.
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jenn75
by Bronze Member on Oct. 5, 2012 at 10:38 AM
We have three accounts. Household stuff - electric, gas, cable, Internet, afterschool, morgage, etc.
My account is that, MY account, to do with what I want. His account is HIS account. We both contribute to the household but bacause Hub makes more, more of his money goes into it.
Unless its a big purchase, we don't have a say in how the other spends their money.
We have separate savings for various things. Car fund, vacation, regular savings, etc.
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aimesnyc
by Amy on Oct. 5, 2012 at 10:52 AM

Everything is together.  They are our bills, and the money we each bring in is our income.  He takes care of the finances because I suck at it and have anxiety when it comes to money.  He does a great job with it and since he has taken over (although I still have equal power and can spend money if I wish, etc), my credit has gone from poor to excellent and we always have money in savings.  I trust him and he trust me to spend money wisely as well.

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