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I made a huge I need help?

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Hi All,
I'm new here looking for help...
I am a mom of 3, children. I don't know what I was thinking but....
I was recently caught by my husband of 13 year having an affair with a man I meet at work.
I have since stopped all communication with my fling, left the job and concentrate on fixing my damage that I have caused. Thankfully my husband has kept this from the kids as they are all still young enough to still be home.
My family is everything to me but I fear I have done too much damage to my husband.
I have broken his heart, and lost all his trust, but yet he try's to forgive me.
He has nightly terrors awakening in a rage of anger fighting off my returning fling. We are going to consoling , but his rage is escalating. His drinking has gone from a mild social drinker to 8 to 10drinks a day. I asked him to stop the drinking but he said its the only thing that keeps him inbettween mad and sad,I don't know what to do. I love him dearly and wish I could undo what I have done to us but I cannot go back in time.
I feel like dieing for what I have done and even though I have crushed him, he continues to cater to me, he make my coffee, takes me to lunch, makes dinner for everyone, make us cocktail after dinner, turns down the bed, rub my feet every night with oil, gives me long soothing back rubs but does not ask for anything in return and ends up laying down with me emotionally destroyed. He will just lay there quietly with tears running down to his pillow for hours. He says he doesn't want to sleep because of the night terrors he's going through so he will watch tv till he passes out but only to awake in a rage fighting off a "ghost " as he says. Then he will sit sobbing at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. All I can do is hold him and tell him how sorry I am and how I will fix this mess....but I fear I can't.

Can anyone PLEASE help me?????????
Thanks, Molly
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Replies (61-70):
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:08 PM
1 mom liked this

Quoting Molo1818:


I just read this aloud to my DH. Wow, it sounds so much more effed up when you read it aloud.

But it sounded like he is being passive aggressive when I ws reading it to my DH. Do you think he is doing it on purpose? He is clearly crushed, but maybe he is also trying to get back at you by being your prince doing all this great stuff, playing the martry....

My advice of let him go, walk away still stands. What does the counselor say about his catering to you?

Maybe you shouldn't let him to these things for you.

No, he has always been the giving type. It's not about him, he gets enjoyment out of seeing and making people around him happy and relaxed. I never really gave him the chance to when he asked to "spoil me". Like I said before due to medical reasons he never could, ( would ) stay the night in bed. He had been trying to get through to me for year, I just didn't hear him....I just didn't listen. He had been saying, after his mom past away, if there was no us, he wanted nothing!!!
He confid to me that while he was trying to get thru to me, and was not getting anywhere, he was going to turn to someone else. He said he couldn't do it, he had to try one more time to get thru to me and if that didn't work he was going to leave us, not just me, us. When it didn't work he couldn't even leave because of the kids. So he was going to live a life of " yes dear". He would be drunk out back , so depressed, yet I said nothing. I don't know who I was, how could I do this to him.
One thing is certain, the kids don't know a thing. When he gets mad he will leave the house or go in the garage and tear the place up, but is calm and cool when he returns to the kids.
We both want the best for our children and if one of left the house , the would be crushed.
They get upset just when he leaves for a spell to cool off.
We haven't had luck with consolers, the first one said , his problems are to deep for couples consoling and told us to go elsewhere. That really got him discouraged . The second saw us for the first meeting and then had to go out of town for a few now he is in a downward spiral that is getting faster and faster.

Never think that your kids don't know. Children are extremely intuitive. Even if they don't know, it will come out one day, you may want to start thinking about how that will be addressed. My DH and his siblings have serious issues with an affair they know their dad had but has never straight out admitted to them.....he had another child with the lady and kept that kid around as "a family friend. Many years later he has come clean with the illegitimate son, but never admitted it to his other children. They have no respect for him and wish their mom had divorced their dad. FIL and MIL probably figured their kids would never know, that sure seems like what their intentions were. The kids agree they would respect dad more if he'd have manned up and been honest.  
So when the time comes be ready to be honest with them. It wasn't just their dad you betrayed. You betrayed them.

Your DH is depressed in his situation with you. He needs out. He may not realize it. I'm not saying you guys need to get divorced, but he needs time for just him, away from you. He needs to work on himself. The relationship isn't a healthy place for either of you to be in right now. I really don't think you need a therapist to know that much. My DH had so many issues in his former marriage. He didn't cheat. He thinks she probably did, but that is neither here nor there. Even before they got married (she got pregnant *insert shot gun noises here*) he had issues....depression, drinking.......and marrying someone just because you knock them up well, you can imagine.......

the marriage was crap and they did couples counseling and then she felt she wasn't a problem (she admitted otherwise years afterthefact), but he continued to go. He discovered that he was unhappy with the situation, which lead to him being more depressed and drinking. He was unhappy being with her. Sure, he has other issues, ones from childhood that don't help, but being in such a toxic relationship was a huge huge factor.It was like the straw that broke the camels back for him.

What you two have going on right now sounds toxic. Passive aggressively toxic.

He needs to work on him. He needs to be away from you. You need to work on you. Maybe you two can come back and find a way at some point, but it ain't happening anytime soon.

As far as not wanting to crush your kids......too late. You made that choice for them. Just like you can't take it back, you can't have expectations of your children's lives not being disrupted by what you did. What you did does affect them, even if you think they don't know. Things will never be the same for them, because your relationship with their father will never be the same. Maybe in the future it will be better. Maybe not. You have to move forward. You all have to move forward. Sometimes the only way to do that is to let go of something.

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:10 PM
Thank you :) all you can do in that situation is be mature. Now don't get me wrong, I had my moments of imaturity. I called him every name in the book, threw things , screamed etc.. but he sat there and took it , as he should have. But like my pastor told me " if I'm choosing to stay, it means I have already forgiven. But in order to begin the healing process, it meant a new begining. Looking forward and not back". So that's what we did. Now, don't get me wrong, if this was a pattern and I saw no changes , I would have left. To me serial cheating is emotional abuse. But my husband is so different now. And he came clean. I didn't have to catch him. Which I know if he wasn't remorsful he probably would have continued to keep it from me. And we actually plan on telling our children of what happened between us , one day, when they're adults and much older. We believe they need to see and understand marriage is work and its real. Its not a fairytale and its something that needs to be cherished and worked at constantly!..

Quoting meganisamom:

I understand what you are saying. That is a very mature way of thinking , which is rare here. Lol. I'm sorry thr happened to you. But

I'm glad you are doing well now.

Quoting nikkifam5:

God had not made me forget what my husband did. But god has helped me forgive him, and even the other woman involved. Although I have forgiven it does not take away the hurt of the situation. So I'm still praying to get through that part. But god has changed my husband. We didn't allow him into our marriage and life the way we should have ( esspecially my husband ) but now that he has, our marriage is so blessed. But you are right, god doesn't make you forget, just forgive :) and we are all def accountable for our mistakes, actions, sins etc. And not only will OP and people like my husband have to be accountable with me, but also with god when their time comes :)

Quoting meganisamom:

No one is bashing anyone. I am a Christian. But I also know that God is not going to make her husband forget that she cheated in him.

Quoting raegan1221:

 If you're a Christian, you use pray to him for help and guidance. If you don't believe or are not a Christian, that's fine but don't bash those who are and trying to help.

Quoting meganisamom:

God is not the factor here. It is annoying when people screw up and then use God as a way out. How about answering for ones Indiscretions?

Quoting Jennifer508:

God can and will help you two through anything and everything! Your husband loves you and he is hurt. I know how he feels because my husband of 15 years cheated on me. Give him time and be an open book. It was so bad for me that I had to be on Xanax for anxiety. Good luck!


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by Gold Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:10 PM
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I have read through all the comments. I have been in your husbands shoes, not with my current S/O but my exhusband. 

First, if you think your kids do not know anything, your dilluding yourself. Children are great about picking up vibes and tension. They may not know WHAT it is, but they can know something isn't right. And staying in a hostile home is not healthy for them.

Second, my first thought while reading all of this, is you should be the one groveling at your husbands feet. You should be making his dinner, rubbing his feet, packing him a lunch, anything and everything. What have you done to show your love for him? You have hurt him to the point of causing him to drink and have night terrors. What are you doing to help?  You said him seeing you happy is what makes him happy, but you don't seem to be doing anything in return?

Your husband hasn't slept in your bed the entire time you have been married and you never questioned why? Or wasn't intuitive enough to know why? To me that seems pretty neglectful on your part. Despite you replying trying to give us more info on why you may have done what you did, all I see is selfishness on your part. 

You need to get him into counseling, you need to be completely open and honest about everything with him. You need to be absolutely clear with him on everything and not give him any reason to doubt you more. Work on your communication. Communication is vital for a functioning marriage. 

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:38 PM
I have been where you are and where you dh is. If you want to know my story pm me.
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by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:51 PM

yes agreed that is so dumb, how is that gonna solve anything. it will just make things worse and make everyone hurt more, and if he really loves her he probly doesnt wanna be with anyone else, he is devoted to her. no dont let him sleep with another girl. that would not solve anything. and yes meganisamom, i so agree with you.

Quoting meganisamom:

That is the dumbest thing I have ever read. Tell him to go chest on her? So they both hurt and are both miserable? Good lord.

Quoting parisonmom:

I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but tell him he can sleep with a female. Tell him how deeply sorry you are and that if he wants to go sleep.with someone else do so because that's how he would mainly get over it by hurting you and to see how it feels. Write him letters everyday tell him how much your sorry and that you love him and loves what he does for you although you don't deserve it.

Let him make you feel what he feels then it will go away.

by Casey on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:55 PM
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I just came back and re-read these replies. I find it very interesting that when a member comes on and posts that she even *thinks* her boyfriend/husband is cheating he gets skewered. Almost every response is "leave him", "get tested for diseases", "he's a pig", "he betrayed his family", and "you deserve so much better".

BUT! When one of our members comes on and declares that SHE is the cheater, it's all "good luck", "I'll pray for you", and "people make mistakes". Hmmmm. Seems a touch hypocritical does it not?

So, in this case nope. Nope, nope, nope. You don't get a free pass from me because you have a vagina. You are still a dirty home wrecking whore, only the home you wrecked was your own. Women have fought for equality for more than a century in this country, and guess what? You've got it. If all of the men in here who have affairs are cheating no-good bastards, then the members here who cheat are no-good cheating bitches.
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by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 10:44 PM
In my first marriage, I cheated. Before my second marriage, my BF (now DH) was emotionally unfaithful to me & kept the secret for 1&1/2 years.
You are very lucky that your DH is trying so hard to forgive you. He is tearing himself apart. My 1st husband forgave me, years later we were finally able to talk about it & he helped me through my DH's infidelity.

You will need to open every part of your life to him & devote your attention & time to making him feel ok about himself & you. Give him massages, do things for him. Keep nothing a secret & don't hold back for fear of his rejection.

He obviously does still love you & absolutely wants to make things work for the kids. It is going to take a lot of time & effort on your part.
Go to counseling if he's willing & never defend yourself or make excuses for any part of it. Take what he needs to dish out to get it off his chest so he can sleep & stop abusing his body with alcohol.

He may want to consider
antidepressants for a while & individual counseling to express his anger & pain freely without you there as a reminder.

Good luck to you, your husband & your kids.
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by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 1:46 AM

I just cannot tell you that i am sorry for you. because i am not sorry for you. You made the decision to do this, and you knew you were married. What else can i say? I do feel very bad for your dh, sounds like he is devastated, and with all the attention he is giving you i would say it is to try to keep you home and from doing it again. You need to find another job, change your phone number, let your dh know where you are at all times.  I am not saying you shouldn't be forgiven, Seek Jesus, and ask forgiveness with all your heart and he will hear you. Pray he gives your dh the strength to get through this. Read the story in the bible about the little adultress woman that jesus forgave of her sin. i do hope your family finds peace with this situation.

by Member on Oct. 7, 2012 at 2:01 AM
How did he find out? Did you tell him? You said you had the affair for a few months but he didnt find out for 3 months after. How long were you going to go on w/out him knowing? And you kept talking to the guy you cheated on him with. That isnt cool.
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by Member on Oct. 7, 2012 at 2:34 AM
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I hope he leaves. Sounds like you dont desreve him, Imo. Sorry if that sounds harsh but thats how I feel about it.
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