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I made a huge I need help?

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Hi All,
I'm new here looking for help...
I am a mom of 3, children. I don't know what I was thinking but....
I was recently caught by my husband of 13 year having an affair with a man I meet at work.
I have since stopped all communication with my fling, left the job and concentrate on fixing my damage that I have caused. Thankfully my husband has kept this from the kids as they are all still young enough to still be home.
My family is everything to me but I fear I have done too much damage to my husband.
I have broken his heart, and lost all his trust, but yet he try's to forgive me.
He has nightly terrors awakening in a rage of anger fighting off my returning fling. We are going to consoling , but his rage is escalating. His drinking has gone from a mild social drinker to 8 to 10drinks a day. I asked him to stop the drinking but he said its the only thing that keeps him inbettween mad and sad,I don't know what to do. I love him dearly and wish I could undo what I have done to us but I cannot go back in time.
I feel like dieing for what I have done and even though I have crushed him, he continues to cater to me, he make my coffee, takes me to lunch, makes dinner for everyone, make us cocktail after dinner, turns down the bed, rub my feet every night with oil, gives me long soothing back rubs but does not ask for anything in return and ends up laying down with me emotionally destroyed. He will just lay there quietly with tears running down to his pillow for hours. He says he doesn't want to sleep because of the night terrors he's going through so he will watch tv till he passes out but only to awake in a rage fighting off a "ghost " as he says. Then he will sit sobbing at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. All I can do is hold him and tell him how sorry I am and how I will fix this mess....but I fear I can't.

Can anyone PLEASE help me?????????
Thanks, Molly
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Replies (181-190):
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 6:50 PM

 I was cheated on, over and over by my first husband. I tried for 3 years to get over it and move on. There were days that I thought it was going to work, only for other days to throw me back into the pain, which you described your hubby as going through. I eventually ended the marriage, because I couldn't move on. I went from crying and hurting, to being ok with not crying or hurting, to not being able to let him go anywhere or do anything without me there, because i couldn't trust him... That was no way for either of us to live.

We didn't have any kids, so leaving the marriage was the only and best choice.

I married for a second time, this man was everything to me. But, since I was cheated on so much from my first husband, I held onto a deep fear that all men were like that, so I turned to cheating myself...  I was never cheater, always against it. But in my mind, I guess at that time, it felt better to 'join them' then to be beat by them, almost like I thought I should do it before he does it...

Well, my first hubby NEVER cheated on me. I caused ALOT of pain and hurt and trust issues in this marriage from MY OWN cheating... We didn't have any kids yet, and for years many years we went through an extremely rough hell.

The one thing that helped us get through it, was to figure out why? Why did I cheat? What lead to me making that CHOICE? Once you can figure that out and talk with your hubby, and explain yourself in all honesty, then it will help him understand what mind frame you were in....

And figure out why you won't ever do it again....

It's not an easy fix, it's not an over night fix. It may never be fixed. But if you can be honest with yourself, and your husband, as to why you cheated, and be honest as to why it would never happen again, then you have  a chance.

by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 6:51 PM

Here are my thoughts:

You hurt your husband. He needs time and space and nurturing and most of all, security. That means allowing him to "snoop", to whine, to question, ect...... He deserves the truth and the answers to why you did this. And that means counseling.

And heres what you dont want to may have fucked up and ruined everything. Plain ad simple. If he cant make a move forward to work on forgiving you, or stop the drinking....its not worth it for you to stay. Fighting an abuse with an abuse is a lost cause and while you have caused cant hang on to a broken ledge. If hes still at a stand still after a month and hasnt made any movement.....its time for you to set him (and yourself) free.

by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 6:53 PM
I am so sorry for your suffering. You should be angry. It is her responsibility to earn your trust and forgiveness by offering transparency, being patient and allowing you to vent. It takes time but forgiveness is achievable. You can build something stronger. Good luck!

Quoting Molo1818:

Quoting thecoffeefairy:

Give him permission to be mad as hell at you! He needs it.he can't forgive you until he goes through the stages of grief.

The problem there is I love her so much I don't want to cause her any more pain.

I lose it as it is on her, but I always feel bad after. So I do keep a lot in. I usually just take it out on my punching bag or the spare refrigerator in the garage......

So far this affair has cost me shattered bones in my hands from punching just about anything in my way, weed trimmer , my fire pit, the fridge doors, count less alcohol, head phone set, a gazebo, my baseball bat, any trust i had for humanity, My self respect, oh yea....and my WIFE.....

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by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 7:15 PM
Alright, look... there are cheaters who will always be cheaters and then there are people who cheat once and wake up and realize who they have become, and want to fix it. The OP is the latter.

A person can only handle so much, different levels for different people, things escalate quickly, feeling like someone is freshly interested in you is INTOXICATING if that hasn't happened in some time, and she didn't truly know the person she cheated with. Not truly. So it was so easy to fill in what she didn't know about him with wonderful things from her own imagination that are tempting. Are these excuses? Hell no .Right is right and wrong is wrong. She was wrong. Anyone that knows me knows I will be the last to give her free passes and excuses for this.

But she knows that she was wrong. She knows SHE is at fault, only her, and not her husband at all. She wants to make it right.

Op, I suggest you have an affair with your husband. Make him feel like how that virtual stranger you cheated with made YOU feel. Make him feel wanted. Make him feel lusted after. Make him the object of your desire again.
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by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 7:25 PM
OK this changes things. Now I have no idea if she is actually sorry or just saying so.. because she wasn't the one talking here.

Well, one thing is for certain. You are truly sorry about it. But it wasn't your fault. And please, don't talk about killing her or yourself or any of that kind of thing. Your children deserve their father. Your children didn't have a hand or a choice in any of this.

I'm very sorry for what she has done to you and your family. After this comment, it is clear to me that you two probably need a divorce. You need to live for yourself and your children and stop putting any faith, love,nor stock in her. It is killing you to do so. You don't have to start over. You just need to be happy.

Quoting Molo1818:

My confession......

    I am the husband, I'm sorry for deceiving you all, but I need to get the true opinion of what my wife has done and try to except her excuses. 

All though I have lied to all of you....all is the truth. Actually, what she did was much worst that I could ever describe . I wanted to have her judge by her piers and you have spoken. 

I was raised old school and have large family values. Everything I do is about the kids.

   The excuses that have been givin to me, as you have read don't make sence to me. How could you repeatedly go with this guy if you didn't love or have feelings for him????

It wasn't love just sex you would say.....and you think that's better?????

 I would rather lose you to love than to find you give of yourself so cheap!!!!!!

How can you complane about money , yet leave work early to meet with him. 

How can you have me scold our daughter to stay home with me, instead of going with you, just so you can go have " quote, good sex this Saturday". 

How could you have me drive your parents to the airport alone so you could go meet him.

How can you say you always loved me, yet leave me to rot in pain. 

How could you come home after you sucked his dick and kiss your kids hello. 

How could you even live with your self. 

How could you even come home??????

You didn't even plan on telling me......

     You have been so cold to me, I wrote you letters that you didn't even respond.

 But I knew, something was head said to watch out, but my heart said no way.

No way could she stray, not after what her father did to her family. I trusted you with every thing I had, I never check on the money, I never asked you to verify yourself, I was proud to have you as my wife. 

For better or worst.....for richer or poorer. 

So now that it's poorer and things don't look to be getting better what is you next move.

I have been in love with you since the day I first saw you in high school. When we meet again years later, it was my dream come true. I'm going out with the girl of my dreams. 

     You have broken my heart to no repair. The blood that spills from your very tear is unstoppable.I spend my day wishing to die. 

    To find that so many bastards are on this earth and that 2 out of 3 will suffer as I am is disgusting. If I knew life would suck so bad I would have never had loved, never had brought kids into this world. 

     The fresh roses you see every week are not for you, you don't deserve them. They are a memorial to the woman I married, the woman i loved and would die for, the one who is no longer with us. As for me, "the beast "that you have created, I will shed of my own blood to deliver the souls of all involved to hell, into the hands of satin himself.( herself)

     I want revenge but I fear for my children. So I sit on my hands, rotting in pain. To think that when my kids get older and find what you have done and say" why didn't daddy do anything" why did daddy just let you do this to us, but by then I will be gone and you will keep up your lies.

You will have stories to tell of the beast that you have made me into.

   You lied with such conviction, you got mad at me when I accused the wrong guy, yet you didn't confess, in stead you continued your" distraction". You have endangered your family by possibly exposing them to all kinds of diseases from this player. Who quote" wasn't worth it " yet you kept going to him. You say it was over, but you talked of giving him a second chance to you girlfriend. 

Why could you not give me, your husband, the father of your children....a second chance????? So now I know my worth......a little less than nothing.

     Funny how you were so sorry after I caught you. Funny how you sang like a canary after I said let the judge decide. You have the nerve to say why did I have to keep snooping . 

     One of you ladies said I have no backbone........well I traded it in when I had children!

I will die for them, I will sell my very soul to the devil himself( herself) for them. It's because of them I fear not get revenge. So I sit with this caged monster in my gut, slowly clawing at my very self till one day there will only be a empty shell of the man I used to be. 

A hollowed pillar that used to stand for strength and security, soon to give way and fall to the ground from the beasts heavy breath . 

       I spend my day mad or sad, the drink is the only thing that makes me In between the two.

 Yet after all is said, I still love her.....She is my life......she is the final piece to my puzzle?

She could always bring out the best in me. Sadly, now you bring out the worst in me. 

    What are my options????? 

Leave and start another, to old, to tired, to hurt to love again.  

Stay and trust when you say you could never do this to me again...... ????

So I wait for you to keep your promise to fix this,to make me laugh, to make me proud to have you as my wife on my arm as we walk together. So I wait......

    I can only offer you what is left of my heart, but be warned my dear.... What is left of my heart is all that keeps the beast at bay in its cage. For if you break my heart again I will hold to my promise to deliver your soul to the gates of hell myself..........

     I am now just a broken man full of insecurities, looking for help. 

She is truly sorry , this I can tell.  She is a great mom. She try's so hard everyday, yet the monster returns to set us back. If she was to just leave I don't think I would live on. I am very mad at her, I hate that she has done this to us. But good people do make bad mistakes....that's what I'm told. 

Sorry for the lies Ladies, I just had to know.......

The Beast.....
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by on Oct. 18, 2012 at 6:18 AM
1 mom liked this
Ok ladies......this is a letter from my Wife to me. This is why I believe her , this is the woman I know and love. This is the one taking responsibility for her actions, not just with words but is really trying to get us threw this. Personally I don't think I would put up with the ( after the affair) me. The mood swings the bashing from anger. Let me know what you think........

Where do I start to explain me and my actions?  Where do I start to try and heal the pain and hurt I see in your face everyday?   Where do I start to heal us and make us a happy couple again?  Where do I start?????
You say you cannot understand why I did what I did and as much as I try to explain it you, you will never understand.
I was depressed and unhappy with everything that was going on in our lives.  I know that is no excuse for what I did and I only wish that I could change it.  I love you and the kids more than anything in this whole world and would give my life for all of you.  
I know that I told you in the past how unhappy I was here, how I missed my family, how I worried about money and after we would talk about it, I would just say OK and move on when deep down nothing was changing.  This is my own self pity.
I know you were trying so hard to get through to me and I would not give you the chance and for that I am sorry.  Maybe if I listened harder and didn’t ignore your words, we wouldn’t be in this mess that I created for us.  Your words mean everything to me and as I sit and read them now, my heart breaks more and more at knowing these things.
I promised you that I would try to fix us and I mean it.  I am not willing to give up on us and our family as this is all we have left.  We have had more good times than bad in our lives together and I just want to keep making more good ones.
I cannot completely understand what you are going through, the images, the thoughts.  I do hurt with you and feel every pain in your body.  I can only hold you when your sad or leave you alone when your mad.   You say you don’t want me to see you cry or upset, but I know it is there.  
I don’t want your pity, I don’t deserve it.  I have to live with what I have done and the consequences that come with it.
As you sit here today and say everything, mean or not, I have to take it.  I will cry as I still do have some feelings, but I can’t do anything about it.  So I let you say what you need to and try to move on.
I deserve every word that you say and It cuts me deep, but no as deep as I hurt you.  All the names you say, the names of me that are in your head.  
I know you live with reminders and I want to change that but I can’t do it without you.
I understand that when you get mad and say these things, it is your way of venting the anger and hurt.  I can only sit and listen and try to understand everything that is going through your head.
As I sit and think back to the damage that I have caused and the pain and hurt, I want to crawl away and hide so nobody will have to deal with me anymore, but something always stops me.   My love for you and how my life would not mean anything without you in it.  I told you that I could not imagine my life going on without you.  You ARE MY LIFE.  No matter what you may think, I never stopped loving you and never thought less of you.  You did everything to try and bring me back from the brink, but I wouldn’t listen.  I am sorry for my being selfish and only thinking of me and not your feelings.
I would never throw you to the curb and never in a million years did I think that something like this would happen.   God only knows that I did not want to turn out like my father did.  
I WOULD NEVER hurt you again as the pain in your eyes is too much for me to bear.  
I will only PROMISE to love you and take care of you and build our love back up to where it should be forever and ever.
Your loving wife…………
by on Nov. 5, 2012 at 9:23 AM

I acctually meant if he were on here asking for advice about  this situation where he was cheated on.  I said " if her husband were the one asking for advice I'm sure he'd get the same advice other people who get cheated on get"  As in the women here would tell him to leave.  

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

WRONG! He'd get ripped up one side and down the other. The cheating men do in every post here. ESPECIALLY with the admission that she was never going to tell her husband and he found out by accident only. She didn't just have a piece of cake, she had the whole damn sheet. If this were a man who had done this we would tear him to shreds and comfort the female. We don't get to just be sexist and biased here.

Quoting luv_my_ludwig:

I also want to say that alot of us giving advice are giving advice based on her's not that we agree with what she did or are condoning it.  She admits to cheating, her hubby knows and he's decided to stay  (for now) even if none of us would have.  We're not condoning her behaivior, but rather trying to help her know where to go from here.  If her husband were the one asking for advice I'm sure he'd get the same advice other people who get cheated on get.

by on Nov. 5, 2012 at 9:27 AM

oh jeeze, just saw where the husband was doing the talking...have nothing more to say/don't know what to say....and sorrry for digging this one up.  I was quoted in this thread and was replying (just saw where I was quoted)  

hope everyone has a good one.

by on Nov. 5, 2012 at 10:50 AM

It sounds to me like she made a horrible mistake. You both love each other, the feelings of hurt are going to take time to subside.

If you aren't in counseling, you need to be.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been cheated on many times and it sucks. Trust is a HUGE deal and once it's broken it's incredibly hard to gain back.

You have to sit and think of whether she's worth your hurt and pain again. She may never do it again though so you need to think long and hard about whether you can forgive her and move on.

by on Nov. 5, 2012 at 11:38 AM
Well he has every right to feel the way he does... Hopefully he will be able to get past it. Goodluck
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