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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I made a huge mistake......now I need help?

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Hi All,
I'm new here looking for help...
I am a mom of 3, children. I don't know what I was thinking but....
I was recently caught by my husband of 13 year having an affair with a man I meet at work.
I have since stopped all communication with my fling, left the job and concentrate on fixing my damage that I have caused. Thankfully my husband has kept this from the kids as they are all still young enough to still be home.
My family is everything to me but I fear I have done too much damage to my husband.
I have broken his heart, and lost all his trust, but yet he try's to forgive me.
He has nightly terrors awakening in a rage of anger fighting off my returning fling. We are going to consoling , but his rage is escalating. His drinking has gone from a mild social drinker to 8 to 10drinks a day. I asked him to stop the drinking but he said its the only thing that keeps him inbettween mad and sad,I don't know what to do. I love him dearly and wish I could undo what I have done to us but I cannot go back in time.
I feel like dieing for what I have done and even though I have crushed him, he continues to cater to me, he make my coffee, takes me to lunch, makes dinner for everyone, make us cocktail after dinner, turns down the bed, rub my feet every night with oil, gives me long soothing back rubs but does not ask for anything in return and ends up laying down with me emotionally destroyed. He will just lay there quietly with tears running down to his pillow for hours. He says he doesn't want to sleep because of the night terrors he's going through so he will watch tv till he passes out but only to awake in a rage fighting off a "ghost " as he says. Then he will sit sobbing at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. All I can do is hold him and tell him how sorry I am and how I will fix this mess....but I fear I can't.

Can anyone PLEASE help me?????????
Thanks, Molly
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Replies (11-20):
JATomlinson
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:30 PM
5 moms liked this

There needs to be transparency in your marriage now that this has happened.  Let him call you throughout the day on your cell phone and check up on you, let him have your e-mail passwords so he can check what you're doing, tell him where you're going and why and when you'll be back.

Whatever you do, KEEP going to counseling.  Also address his drinking issue in counseling and tell him you fear it will turn into an addiction and that it will start to affect the children.  Also in counseling try to address the issues that caused you to stray in the first place.  Usually when someone strays it's because they werent getting some emotional need met in the marriage.  (Unfortunately I know what your husband feels like... I recently found out my husband was just starting to get involved with a woman at work...).  To know that someone you love and care about, that is supposed to be yours and yours alone has gone and been intimate with someone else, has hid it from you, has become someone elses and might not stop the relationship even if they said they have, that is painful.  It is something he will need to work through.  It sounds like he is trying to forgive you, but doesn't know how to deal with the hurt, and that is something you are going to have to deal with, knowing how much you hurt him.

Try returning some of that affection he gives you to him.  He wants to feel loved right now I think.  He may be giving you all that affection because he feels guilty about what you did because he may feel responsible.

It might be good for the two of you to leave the kids with a family member and go on a marriage retreat.  A lot of churches offer marriage retreats, some are for building marriages up, and some are for fixing them after disasters like this.  Get involved in a church and start asking the pastor about these retreats.  The pastor may even know about retreats at other churches.

If you still love your husband then you need to do what you can to be transparent to him and to reassure him that things are over.  You may want to ask him to consider moving to another city so that he can be sure it's over.

Praying for you guys!

heybooboo
by Bronze Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:38 PM
Your dh may benefit from meeting with a grief counselor. There are also a variety of support groups, many are online that can be a huge help as well.

The truth is, it will take a very long time for your dh to recover from this. And part of that recovery is processing through all that has transpired and coming to terms with it.
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mommie_x0x
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:45 PM
3 moms liked this
What a poor guy... He shouldn't be doing anything at all for you, you should be doing ALL of that for him. Make him feel like he's worth something to you. Instead of waiting for him to do those things you listed how about you jump first and do those for him
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Molo1818
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:46 PM
Quoting Babujai:

You describe all the things he does for you...do you reciprocate? Also, have you talked to the counselor about his drinking. You're both supposed to be working through your emotions, but alcohol masks and suppresses his emotions. Individual counseling also sounds like a must.



Yes, ..well I do offer, but not as much as he does.
Unless we have had an argument before bed, he will massage at least my feet or shoulders
with body oil...sometimes both.
In my defense though, he almost always says no "thank you".
He says his pleasure is seeing me happy and content......
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:51 PM
4 moms liked this
Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.
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katen56
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:10 PM

He has got to talk to someone and find effective ways of dealing with it and moving forward.  He is doing all these things for you because he wants so badly for things to be like before. But speaking from experience, that will not last. He will grow to resent you and the situation. The drinking is making it worse. He needs help. Once trust is broken, it is extremely hard to get back. That's just the nature of the beast.  You also need ot get to the root of the problem that caused you to cheat. The affair is just a byproduct of something else. If you don't fix that, nothing else that you do will matter.

nikkifam5
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:10 PM
1 mom liked this
I know how your husband feels. My husband did this to me. I drank at night when the kids went to bed to mask the pain. Its been 2 years and our marriage is wonderful and we are expecting baby #4. But I won't lie when I say it doesn't cross my mind almost daily. Continue with the counseling and just being there for him. I'm not sure what you believe in, but we are christians. We lost sight of that . And I truely believe God will bless your marriage if you allow him into your marriage.
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nikkifam5
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:16 PM
3 moms liked this
First of all THIS is incredibly rude. I have been exactly where her husband has been. And I would NEVER even think of speaking to someone like this, even after all I have been through.. so let me guess , YOU must be PERFECT right? Or you just have no soul or emotion so things in life do NOT effect you?... she is human! Cheating is NOTHING new to marriage or relationships. Its NEVER okay to cheat. But let's face it, unfortunatly it happens. And being that you were not inside their marriage , you don't know what the issues were. Maybe she is a bad communicator, or maybe he is..maybe they became more like roomates rather then partners in life..maybe lack of affection or intimacy??? You don't know! Some people drink as an out, and some people look elsewhere for an out.. bottom line, its not right, but you my dear, are not one to judge someone else on what you THINK their choice was or what you think their spouse should do... you should be ashamed of yourself!

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.
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Molo1818
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:17 PM
Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.



Please , please don't say that. I am already down enough. I need help....
I love him, and I think he still loves me, at least he says he does all day long.
I came from a broken family and don't want the same for my kids. I know this sounds crazy but I made a HUGE mistake and want to make up for it. I didn't want to make the same mistake my father did but I needed a distraction. I wasn't happy with moving from my family, money concerns,
I just lost sight of what I have. I never planed on leaving my husband. It wasn't love, it wasn't revenge, it was a mistake. A HUGE mistake that I will suffer with everyday of my life.
Every time I look into my husbands eyes, I see the pain I have done to him. I want to fix it, I know he doesn't deserve me or what I have done to him. I'm so thankful that he has stay till now and I need to help him get over this. Not just for me but for himself and the kids.
raegan1221
by Silver Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:22 PM
1 mom liked this

 Don't you think that she already feels awful enough? She asked for advice, not to be bashed. She obviously is trying. There is no need for rudeness like that. Feel that way but keep it to yourself when she's asking for advice.

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.

 

Faith, Hope & Love "I Will Have Faith in YOU, Hope For YOU To Come Home To Me & Love YOU More Every Day".
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