Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I made a huge mistake......now I need help?

Posted by   + Show Post
Hi All,
I'm new here looking for help...
I am a mom of 3, children. I don't know what I was thinking but....
I was recently caught by my husband of 13 year having an affair with a man I meet at work.
I have since stopped all communication with my fling, left the job and concentrate on fixing my damage that I have caused. Thankfully my husband has kept this from the kids as they are all still young enough to still be home.
My family is everything to me but I fear I have done too much damage to my husband.
I have broken his heart, and lost all his trust, but yet he try's to forgive me.
He has nightly terrors awakening in a rage of anger fighting off my returning fling. We are going to consoling , but his rage is escalating. His drinking has gone from a mild social drinker to 8 to 10drinks a day. I asked him to stop the drinking but he said its the only thing that keeps him inbettween mad and sad,I don't know what to do. I love him dearly and wish I could undo what I have done to us but I cannot go back in time.
I feel like dieing for what I have done and even though I have crushed him, he continues to cater to me, he make my coffee, takes me to lunch, makes dinner for everyone, make us cocktail after dinner, turns down the bed, rub my feet every night with oil, gives me long soothing back rubs but does not ask for anything in return and ends up laying down with me emotionally destroyed. He will just lay there quietly with tears running down to his pillow for hours. He says he doesn't want to sleep because of the night terrors he's going through so he will watch tv till he passes out but only to awake in a rage fighting off a "ghost " as he says. Then he will sit sobbing at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. All I can do is hold him and tell him how sorry I am and how I will fix this mess....but I fear I can't.

Can anyone PLEASE help me?????????
Thanks, Molly
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Replies (141-150):
meganisamom
by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 10:19 PM
3 moms liked this

What the eff did you think we were gonna do?  Hold you hand and tell you its all gonna be ok?  Alot of us have been cheated on and know what your husband is going through.  You sound spolied and selfabsorbed.  You should feel worthless.  What you did was horrible..  And you cant even say he was a bad husband or didnt show you enough love, or didnt take care of the kids.  Why dont you get off of CM, and stop looking for validation.  Youre not gonna find it here.  You didnt ask for help for your suffering hubby, you wanted to feel better for YOU.  I cant even feel badly for you now.  You just dont get it.


Quoting Molo1818:

Quoting hippiechik3:





Does it matter???? Isn't one time too many!!!!!!
I really feel like shit for what I have done.
Now after asking for help from this group for my husband who is suffering,
I feel even more worthless........Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!


gardengirl23
by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 10:19 PM
2 moms liked this

This has got to be the worst advice I've read in a long time.   He wants to know she loves him, not that she is willing to let him fuck someone else.

Quoting parisonmom:

I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but tell him he can sleep with a female. Tell him how deeply sorry you are and that if he wants to go sleep.with someone else do so because that's how he would mainly get over it by hurting you and to see how it feels. Write him letters everyday tell him how much your sorry and that you love him and loves what he does for you although you don't deserve it.

Let him make you feel what he feels then it will go away.


kvv
by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 10:25 PM
Why did you do it in the first place? What was missing? Sounds like there's some kind of imbalance...does your husband do all those things for you to make up for it?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MrsMae
by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 10:30 PM
I am sorry for the pain you have caused him and your marriage. I also agree that you stopped because you got caught. It may take God to help repair this mess. Unfortunately, men have done this to us for forever and we work through it. I pray that's the way your husband feels.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
meganisamom
by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 10:33 PM
1 mom liked this
I know. Ridiculous.


Quoting gardengirl23:

This has got to be the worst advice I've read in a long time.   He wants to know she loves him, not that she is willing to let him fuck someone else.


Quoting parisonmom:

I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but tell him he can sleep with a female. Tell him how deeply sorry you are and that if he wants to go sleep.with someone else do so because that's how he would mainly get over it by hurting you and to see how it feels. Write him letters everyday tell him how much your sorry and that you love him and loves what he does for you although you don't deserve it.



Let him make you feel what he feels then it will go away.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Oct. 7, 2012 at 10:39 PM
1 mom liked this
She sustained a sexual relationship over a period of months with a coworker and never fessed up, she was never going to. She got caught because her husband was clearing out her old phone and found a buried text to a friend she forgot to delete.

Hence, no mistake. This was a premeditated, conscious choice that she would have gotten away with, if it weren't for those meddling kids...

(Yes, that was a Scooby Doo reference.)


Quoting hippiechik3:

Damn, dont attack me. I was sticking up for you. This is a place to get advice not bashing. Yes it does matter. If you only did it once, I can understand. If so you can still fix it. I know plenty of people who have cheated, repented, and took all of their power to make it work. I dont think its ok for people who have no idea who you are make you feel like shit when you are only looking for advice.

Quoting Molo1818:

Quoting hippiechik3:








Does it matter???? Isn't one time too many!!!!!!

I really feel like shit for what I have done.

Now after asking for help from this group for my husband who is suffering,

I feel even more worthless........Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
hippiechik3
by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 11:01 PM
1 mom liked this

hahahahaha Now I understand. Her post was vague on that detail. In that case, no wonder, the poor guy. That was a heartless thing to do to your Husband, not to mintion your 3 children. What will they think of you when they are older...

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

She sustained a sexual relationship over a period of months with a coworker and never fessed up, she was never going to. She got caught because her husband was clearing out her old phone and found a buried text to a friend she forgot to delete.

Hence, no mistake. This was a premeditated, conscious choice that she would have gotten away with, if it weren't for those meddling kids...

(Yes, that was a Scooby Doo reference.)


Quoting hippiechik3:

Damn, dont attack me. I was sticking up for you. This is a place to get advice not bashing. Yes it does matter. If you only did it once, I can understand. If so you can still fix it. I know plenty of people who have cheated, repented, and took all of their power to make it work. I dont think its ok for people who have no idea who you are make you feel like shit when you are only looking for advice.

Quoting Molo1818:

Quoting hippiechik3:








Does it matter???? Isn't one time too many!!!!!!

I really feel like shit for what I have done.

Now after asking for help from this group for my husband who is suffering,

I feel even more worthless........Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!



meganisamom
by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 11:47 PM
1 mom liked this
She's asking for advice. She needs to take the good with the bad. Why should someone sugar coat their feelings? Why should we all side with the woman? Her poor husband is the victim here. Not her.


Quoting nikkifam5:

First of all THIS is incredibly rude. I have been exactly where her husband has been. And I would NEVER even think of speaking to someone like this, even after all I have been through.. so let me guess , YOU must be PERFECT right? Or you just have no soul or emotion so things in life do NOT effect you?... she is human! Cheating is NOTHING new to marriage or relationships. Its NEVER okay to cheat. But let's face it, unfortunatly it happens. And being that you were not inside their marriage , you don't know what the issues were. Maybe she is a bad communicator, or maybe he is..maybe they became more like roomates rather then partners in life..maybe lack of affection or intimacy??? You don't know! Some people drink as an out, and some people look elsewhere for an out.. bottom line, its not right, but you my dear, are not one to judge someone else on what you THINK their choice was or what you think their spouse should do... you should be ashamed of yourself!



Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
meganisamom
by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 11:59 PM
1 mom liked this
How could it be better after your husband laid in bed with another woman? After he put his hands and everything else all over and in her? How could things be better after he chose to lie,cheat, disrespect and humiliate you? No wonder you're sticking up for her. You're trying to validate your own shitty husband.


Quoting nikkifam5:

This happened to me.. well I wasn't the cheater, my husband was.. but anyway, I agree that " its impossible to go back to the way you were ". BUT, its not impossible to be BETTER then what you were. My husband and I are better then ever in our marriage !.. and I also agree its going to take a lot of work. Marriage is work every single day. And I think people forget that



Quoting hannahsmom238:

I can't give advice because I'm not a councilor and I don't know you personally but I think in cases like this its impossible to go back to the way you guys were. It sounds like you're both comited to rebuilding your relationship and that takes time. I hope you guys can work it out.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
LadyBugMom09
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:05 AM
You have deeply wounded your husband and fractured your marriage.

My first piece of advice would be to seek God and pray.... and pray together.

It is going to be a long and hard road, but you have to repair what you have broken, with God's help and wisdom. Counseling is great and just be what your DH needs you to be right now.

Good luck and God bless.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)