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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I made a huge mistake......now I need help?

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Hi All,
I'm new here looking for help...
I am a mom of 3, children. I don't know what I was thinking but....
I was recently caught by my husband of 13 year having an affair with a man I meet at work.
I have since stopped all communication with my fling, left the job and concentrate on fixing my damage that I have caused. Thankfully my husband has kept this from the kids as they are all still young enough to still be home.
My family is everything to me but I fear I have done too much damage to my husband.
I have broken his heart, and lost all his trust, but yet he try's to forgive me.
He has nightly terrors awakening in a rage of anger fighting off my returning fling. We are going to consoling , but his rage is escalating. His drinking has gone from a mild social drinker to 8 to 10drinks a day. I asked him to stop the drinking but he said its the only thing that keeps him inbettween mad and sad,I don't know what to do. I love him dearly and wish I could undo what I have done to us but I cannot go back in time.
I feel like dieing for what I have done and even though I have crushed him, he continues to cater to me, he make my coffee, takes me to lunch, makes dinner for everyone, make us cocktail after dinner, turns down the bed, rub my feet every night with oil, gives me long soothing back rubs but does not ask for anything in return and ends up laying down with me emotionally destroyed. He will just lay there quietly with tears running down to his pillow for hours. He says he doesn't want to sleep because of the night terrors he's going through so he will watch tv till he passes out but only to awake in a rage fighting off a "ghost " as he says. Then he will sit sobbing at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. All I can do is hold him and tell him how sorry I am and how I will fix this mess....but I fear I can't.

Can anyone PLEASE help me?????????
Thanks, Molly
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Replies (21-30):
hannahsmom238
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:27 PM
I can't give advice because I'm not a councilor and I don't know you personally but I think in cases like this its impossible to go back to the way you guys were. It sounds like you're both comited to rebuilding your relationship and that takes time. I hope you guys can work it out.
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mbgb
by Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:30 PM
5 moms liked this
You sound like you have REaLLY taken advantage of him. He caters to you and this is what you do. Can't believe you come here looking for help. You need to do him a favor and separate seeking divorce. I can't believe he'd want you back. Does he not have a backbone? If not, then the last thing you need to do is encourage his weakness by continuing to allow him to treat you so well. Do the man a favor and move out. The whole relationship sounds a little one sides to me.
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ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:31 PM
6 moms liked this

I would never be ashamed for being honest. This is what I think. Why are you making excuses for her? I quite frankly don't care if it sounds rude. If she had a bad communicator, or a lack of intimacy she could have addressed it and then assessed the situation. She could have left. She could have asked for a separation or a divorce. Instead, she CHOSE to have her cake and eat it too. And why should she still get the same level of treatment from her husband as she did before. Foot rubs, lunches, romantic dinners? SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH! 

If this were my marriage, I may be able to work though a single transgression. One time mistake. Never, ever, ever could I work through a prolonged affair. You made a mistake the first time. You made a concious choice when you went back for more. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

First of all THIS is incredibly rude. I have been exactly where her husband has been. And I would NEVER even think of speaking to someone like this, even after all I have been through.. so let me guess , YOU must be PERFECT right? Or you just have no soul or emotion so things in life do NOT effect you?... she is human! Cheating is NOTHING new to marriage or relationships. Its NEVER okay to cheat. But let's face it, unfortunatly it happens. And being that you were not inside their marriage , you don't know what the issues were. Maybe she is a bad communicator, or maybe he is..maybe they became more like roomates rather then partners in life..maybe lack of affection or intimacy??? You don't know! Some people drink as an out, and some people look elsewhere for an out.. bottom line, its not right, but you my dear, are not one to judge someone else on what you THINK their choice was or what you think their spouse should do... you should be ashamed of yourself!

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.


nikkifam5
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:32 PM
This happened to me.. well I wasn't the cheater, my husband was.. but anyway, I agree that " its impossible to go back to the way you were ". BUT, its not impossible to be BETTER then what you were. My husband and I are better then ever in our marriage !.. and I also agree its going to take a lot of work. Marriage is work every single day. And I think people forget that

Quoting hannahsmom238:

I can't give advice because I'm not a councilor and I don't know you personally but I think in cases like this its impossible to go back to the way you guys were. It sounds like you're both comited to rebuilding your relationship and that takes time. I hope you guys can work it out.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Molo1818
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:35 PM
Quoting mbgb:

You sound like you have REaLLY taken advantage of him. He caters to you and this is what you do. Can't believe you come here looking for help. You need to do him a favor and separate seeking divorce. I can't believe he'd want you back. Does he not have a backbone? If not, then the last thing you need to do is encourage his weakness by continuing to allow him to treat you so well. Do the man a favor and move out. The whole relationship sounds a little one sides to me.



I understand your point but you don't know all the facts.
Dwelling in the past is not going to fixes us.
I can't change what I have done but I will try to do what I can.
Please please , help me not hurt me.....
jimsonb73
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:36 PM
How did he find out...just curious...if ur meant to be together it will work out with time...good luck
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nikkifam5
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:36 PM
Like you said, you have never been in a situation like this. So the rude manner in which you addressed her is the issue. The way you just explained it now was , much more appropriate. Those aren't excuses my dear, those are facts. And you can talk and talk to someone , but sometimes the issues don't click and you become someone else..but again you wouldn't know that because you have never been in the situation and I pray you never have to be. And unfortunatly separation and divorce are the easy way out. I guess people only expect " for better " and not " for worse " and let's face it, that's just ignorant

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I would never be ashamed for being honest. This is what I think. Why are you making excuses for her? I quite frankly don't care if it sounds rude. If she had a bad communicator, or a lack of intimacy she could have addressed it and then assessed the situation. She could have left. She could have asked for a separation or a divorce. Instead, she CHOSE to have her cake and eat it too. And why should she still get the same level of treatment from her husband as she did before. Foot rubs, lunches, romantic dinners? SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH! 

If this were my marriage, I may be able to work though a single transgression. One time mistake. Never, ever, ever could I work through a prolonged affair. You made a mistake the first time. You made a concious choice when you went back for more. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

First of all THIS is incredibly rude. I have been exactly where her husband has been. And I would NEVER even think of speaking to someone like this, even after all I have been through.. so let me guess , YOU must be PERFECT right? Or you just have no soul or emotion so things in life do NOT effect you?... she is human! Cheating is NOTHING new to marriage or relationships. Its NEVER okay to cheat. But let's face it, unfortunatly it happens. And being that you were not inside their marriage , you don't know what the issues were. Maybe she is a bad communicator, or maybe he is..maybe they became more like roomates rather then partners in life..maybe lack of affection or intimacy??? You don't know! Some people drink as an out, and some people look elsewhere for an out.. bottom line, its not right, but you my dear, are not one to judge someone else on what you THINK their choice was or what you think their spouse should do... you should be ashamed of yourself!



Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Molo1818
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:38 PM
Quoting ReadWriteLuv:




I came here because I have no one or no where to turn, I just wanted help.
My last intention was to cause more grief to someone else,
I think I have caused enough for a lifetime.....
Sorry for bothering some of you, thank you to the rest....
nikkifam5
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:41 PM
You made some horrible life changing choices, but you're human. Id be glad to help. I have been in your husbands shoes. If you want you can PM me that way you can further avoid some not so helpful responses .

Quoting Molo1818:

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:






I came here because I have no one or no where to turn, I just wanted help.

My last intention was to cause more grief to someone else,

I think I have caused enough for a lifetime.....

Sorry for bothering some of you, thank you to the rest....
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:46 PM
1 mom liked this

They are too excuses. You just completely contradicted yourself. Why is it for better or for worse only when it comes to divorce or separation? Why is it only the "easy way out" when it comes to the same issues? If you cheat and have your cake and eat it too, that's the easy way. If you aren't getting what you need in your marriage and it's "for worse" then you talk. You go to counseling. You work on making it better BEFORE this kind of shit happens. If it's  not working you figure it out one way or another, you don't just fall into the arms of another person, REPEATEDLY. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

Like you said, you have never been in a situation like this. So the rude manner in which you addressed her is the issue. The way you just explained it now was , much more appropriate. Those aren't excuses my dear, those are facts. And you can talk and talk to someone , but sometimes the issues don't click and you become someone else..but again you wouldn't know that because you have never been in the situation and I pray you never have to be. And unfortunatly separation and divorce are the easy way out. I guess people only expect " for better " and not " for worse " and let's face it, that's just ignorant

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I would never be ashamed for being honest. This is what I think. Why are you making excuses for her? I quite frankly don't care if it sounds rude. If she had a bad communicator, or a lack of intimacy she could have addressed it and then assessed the situation. She could have left. She could have asked for a separation or a divorce. Instead, she CHOSE to have her cake and eat it too. And why should she still get the same level of treatment from her husband as she did before. Foot rubs, lunches, romantic dinners? SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH! 

If this were my marriage, I may be able to work though a single transgression. One time mistake. Never, ever, ever could I work through a prolonged affair. You made a mistake the first time. You made a concious choice when you went back for more. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

First of all THIS is incredibly rude. I have been exactly where her husband has been. And I would NEVER even think of speaking to someone like this, even after all I have been through.. so let me guess , YOU must be PERFECT right? Or you just have no soul or emotion so things in life do NOT effect you?... she is human! Cheating is NOTHING new to marriage or relationships. Its NEVER okay to cheat. But let's face it, unfortunatly it happens. And being that you were not inside their marriage , you don't know what the issues were. Maybe she is a bad communicator, or maybe he is..maybe they became more like roomates rather then partners in life..maybe lack of affection or intimacy??? You don't know! Some people drink as an out, and some people look elsewhere for an out.. bottom line, its not right, but you my dear, are not one to judge someone else on what you THINK their choice was or what you think their spouse should do... you should be ashamed of yourself!



Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.



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