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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I made a huge mistake......now I need help?

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Hi All,
I'm new here looking for help...
I am a mom of 3, children. I don't know what I was thinking but....
I was recently caught by my husband of 13 year having an affair with a man I meet at work.
I have since stopped all communication with my fling, left the job and concentrate on fixing my damage that I have caused. Thankfully my husband has kept this from the kids as they are all still young enough to still be home.
My family is everything to me but I fear I have done too much damage to my husband.
I have broken his heart, and lost all his trust, but yet he try's to forgive me.
He has nightly terrors awakening in a rage of anger fighting off my returning fling. We are going to consoling , but his rage is escalating. His drinking has gone from a mild social drinker to 8 to 10drinks a day. I asked him to stop the drinking but he said its the only thing that keeps him inbettween mad and sad,I don't know what to do. I love him dearly and wish I could undo what I have done to us but I cannot go back in time.
I feel like dieing for what I have done and even though I have crushed him, he continues to cater to me, he make my coffee, takes me to lunch, makes dinner for everyone, make us cocktail after dinner, turns down the bed, rub my feet every night with oil, gives me long soothing back rubs but does not ask for anything in return and ends up laying down with me emotionally destroyed. He will just lay there quietly with tears running down to his pillow for hours. He says he doesn't want to sleep because of the night terrors he's going through so he will watch tv till he passes out but only to awake in a rage fighting off a "ghost " as he says. Then he will sit sobbing at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. All I can do is hold him and tell him how sorry I am and how I will fix this mess....but I fear I can't.

Can anyone PLEASE help me?????????
Thanks, Molly
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Replies (31-40):
The_Doodle
by Bronze Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:47 PM

The only thing you can do is stay completely open and honest with him and give him time to heal. It took me a year to be able to talk about the infidelity that happened in my marriage without bursting into tears....and you have an extra 9 years of marriage on me. And honestly, you can never expect your marriage to be the same when (or if) he ends up truly forgiving you. Even if your marriage survives it will be different because he may forgive but he will always remember this. Good luck.

Mrs.wilcox01
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:49 PM
O.o
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kkkaaayyyy
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:49 PM

This I have no comments on. It's very sad that you hurt your husband by cheating and i personally have nothing positive to say. I hope your husband can recover and go on with his life positively. 

Molo1818
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:52 PM
Quoting jimsonb73:

How did he find out...just curious...if ur meant to be together it will work out with time...good luck



He had been cleaning out my old cell iPhone to let our daughter use because her iPod was missing. So he was going to disable inet and clear anything that she had no need for. He found old text between me and my girlfreind.
nikkifam5
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:53 PM
1 mom liked this
Again, if people were perfect there would never be a "for worse". But people are not perfect, but you seem to think you come pretty close ! And again, you have never been in a situation like this ( which again I pray you never are ) so you can THINK you know what you are speaking of, but you don't first hand. Listen, I'm not some crazy b$#*h who wants to argue with you. I'm just saying, you can have an opinion, but you don't have a right to be nasty. No doubt, she made some very bad decisions, but who are we to say her husband should leave? Or even stay for that matter.. he had obviously decided to stay for the moment. So maybe advice of how she should be handleing her husbands emotions right now would be more appropriate?

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

They are too excuses. You just completely contradicted yourself. Why is it for better or for worse only when it comes to divorce or separation? Why is it only the "easy way out" when it comes to the same issues? If you cheat and have your cake and eat it too, that's the easy way. If you aren't getting what you need in your marriage and it's "for worse" then you talk. You go to counseling. You work on making it better BEFORE this kind of shit happens. If it's  not working you figure it out one way or another, you don't just fall into the arms of another person, REPEATEDLY. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

Like you said, you have never been in a situation like this. So the rude manner in which you addressed her is the issue. The way you just explained it now was , much more appropriate. Those aren't excuses my dear, those are facts. And you can talk and talk to someone , but sometimes the issues don't click and you become someone else..but again you wouldn't know that because you have never been in the situation and I pray you never have to be. And unfortunatly separation and divorce are the easy way out. I guess people only expect " for better " and not " for worse " and let's face it, that's just ignorant



Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I would never be ashamed for being honest. This is what I think. Why are you making excuses for her? I quite frankly don't care if it sounds rude. If she had a bad communicator, or a lack of intimacy she could have addressed it and then assessed the situation. She could have left. She could have asked for a separation or a divorce. Instead, she CHOSE to have her cake and eat it too. And why should she still get the same level of treatment from her husband as she did before. Foot rubs, lunches, romantic dinners? SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH! 

If this were my marriage, I may be able to work though a single transgression. One time mistake. Never, ever, ever could I work through a prolonged affair. You made a mistake the first time. You made a concious choice when you went back for more. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

First of all THIS is incredibly rude. I have been exactly where her husband has been. And I would NEVER even think of speaking to someone like this, even after all I have been through.. so let me guess , YOU must be PERFECT right? Or you just have no soul or emotion so things in life do NOT effect you?... she is human! Cheating is NOTHING new to marriage or relationships. Its NEVER okay to cheat. But let's face it, unfortunatly it happens. And being that you were not inside their marriage , you don't know what the issues were. Maybe she is a bad communicator, or maybe he is..maybe they became more like roomates rather then partners in life..maybe lack of affection or intimacy??? You don't know! Some people drink as an out, and some people look elsewhere for an out.. bottom line, its not right, but you my dear, are not one to judge someone else on what you THINK their choice was or what you think their spouse should do... you should be ashamed of yourself!





Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.



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jimsonb73
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:53 PM
Wow that sucks...well like I said give it time


Quoting Molo1818:

Quoting jimsonb73:

How did he find out...just curious...if ur meant to be together it will work out with time...good luck





He had been cleaning out my old cell iPhone to let our daughter use because her iPod was missing. So he was going to disable inet and clear anything that she had no need for. He found old text between me and my girlfreind.

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mamaBerg85
by Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:56 PM
I think u did wrong and there is no way to go back. U broke his trust and he's hurt. He's feeling stuck because of the kids u need to let him go. If he's still really in love with u then u need to get him some help. He needs to go to counciling on his own a few times. Also i think anyone who even ever considers cheating is a fucking whore. I'm sorry i don't care how old ur kids are they will find out someday and u will have to deal with what u did to the whole family. They will over hear a convo or someone will blow up about it in front of them. There is nothing u can keep from kids forever.
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ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:57 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't think I'm perfect, far from it, I'm just voicing my opinion and, like you said, it differs from yours. And, I do have the right to be nasty, or nice, or vulgar or rude, or even syrupy sweet. It's a free forum, to a point. If you put your dirty laundry out here, be prepared for some people to turn up their nose and admit it stinks, rather than offer to help you wash it.

We can agree to disagree. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

Again, if people were perfect there would never be a "for worse". But people are not perfect, but you seem to think you come pretty close ! And again, you have never been in a situation like this ( which again I pray you never are ) so you can THINK you know what you are speaking of, but you don't first hand. Listen, I'm not some crazy b$#*h who wants to argue with you. I'm just saying, you can have an opinion, but you don't have a right to be nasty. No doubt, she made some very bad decisions, but who are we to say her husband should leave? Or even stay for that matter.. he had obviously decided to stay for the moment. So maybe advice of how she should be handleing her husbands emotions right now would be more appropriate?

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

They are too excuses. You just completely contradicted yourself. Why is it for better or for worse only when it comes to divorce or separation? Why is it only the "easy way out" when it comes to the same issues? If you cheat and have your cake and eat it too, that's the easy way. If you aren't getting what you need in your marriage and it's "for worse" then you talk. You go to counseling. You work on making it better BEFORE this kind of shit happens. If it's  not working you figure it out one way or another, you don't just fall into the arms of another person, REPEATEDLY. 

Sunshine257
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:57 PM
They are going to bash you from hell to back..
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AmandaMaeBell
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:59 PM

To be honest, he probably feels worthless, and that you'll do it again.  Clearly, he loved/loves you, and you destroyed that.  You'll have to prove to him that you will NEVER do it again.  If you have intentions of hurting him again, you need to leave now, that way he can find a good woman who won't do that to him.

ETA:  It' shouldn't be him catering to your every need, it should be you doing that for him.

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