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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I made a huge mistake......now I need help?

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Hi All,
I'm new here looking for help...
I am a mom of 3, children. I don't know what I was thinking but....
I was recently caught by my husband of 13 year having an affair with a man I meet at work.
I have since stopped all communication with my fling, left the job and concentrate on fixing my damage that I have caused. Thankfully my husband has kept this from the kids as they are all still young enough to still be home.
My family is everything to me but I fear I have done too much damage to my husband.
I have broken his heart, and lost all his trust, but yet he try's to forgive me.
He has nightly terrors awakening in a rage of anger fighting off my returning fling. We are going to consoling , but his rage is escalating. His drinking has gone from a mild social drinker to 8 to 10drinks a day. I asked him to stop the drinking but he said its the only thing that keeps him inbettween mad and sad,I don't know what to do. I love him dearly and wish I could undo what I have done to us but I cannot go back in time.
I feel like dieing for what I have done and even though I have crushed him, he continues to cater to me, he make my coffee, takes me to lunch, makes dinner for everyone, make us cocktail after dinner, turns down the bed, rub my feet every night with oil, gives me long soothing back rubs but does not ask for anything in return and ends up laying down with me emotionally destroyed. He will just lay there quietly with tears running down to his pillow for hours. He says he doesn't want to sleep because of the night terrors he's going through so he will watch tv till he passes out but only to awake in a rage fighting off a "ghost " as he says. Then he will sit sobbing at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. All I can do is hold him and tell him how sorry I am and how I will fix this mess....but I fear I can't.

Can anyone PLEASE help me?????????
Thanks, Molly
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Replies (41-50):
kjbugsmom1517
by Bronze Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 2:01 PM
I feel for ur husband but i have no sympathy for you. You made your bed now you lay in it. Give him the time he deserves and get into counseling.
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Molo1818
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 2:02 PM
Ladies please...
Let me fill in a bit more to shed some light.
He was always a good man, but he had never slept in bed till just after I started my fling.
Due to backpain issues and other medical issues which I will not go into. He really only made visits to the bed room. I now know why he did so and he said he did it not wish to inconvents me thru out the night....I never knew, I guess we are both bad communicators.
What he says hurts the most is I had started my fling just before he had made an attempt to reclaim his spot in our bedroom by my side because he has been feeling much better. Yet I had continued on my self destructive course.
parisonmom
by Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 2:03 PM
I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but tell him he can sleep with a female. Tell him how deeply sorry you are and that if he wants to go sleep.with someone else do so because that's how he would mainly get over it by hurting you and to see how it feels. Write him letters everyday tell him how much your sorry and that you love him and loves what he does for you although you don't deserve it.

Let him make you feel what he feels then it will go away.
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2lilmamas
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 2:04 PM
1 mom liked this
It will get harder before it becomes easier. He still very hurt and is also resentful. You broke his heart and the trust you had in your relationship. The good thing is he still loves you he caters to you. It obvious the Love is still there. It will take alot of time and patience. He will have many out burst. Be prepare to deal with it.. If you Love him give him your all. The marriage counseling will help but its really you who can heal his heart. Work your way back to earn his trust. Marriage is never easy its about commitment, dedication and trust.
mamaBerg85
by Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 2:08 PM
2 moms liked this
I on the other hand have been in a situationlike this except my ex knocked another girl up. He didnt deserve me and she doesn't deserve her husband. He should of left her. I agree but he didn't and now he needs help if he truly wants to stay with her. I married an amazing man who loves me. He always tells me how great i am. However i know if he ever cheated on me hed be gone. I'm not saying I'd never take him back but I'd tell him to leave for a longv while. I would not take him back right then and there hed have to earn it.


Quoting nikkifam5:

Again, if people were perfect there would never be a "for worse". But people are not perfect, but you seem to think you come pretty close ! And again, you have never been in a situation like this ( which again I pray you never are ) so you can THINK you know what you are speaking of, but you don't first hand. Listen, I'm not some crazy b$#*h who wants to argue with you. I'm just saying, you can have an opinion, but you don't have a right to be nasty. No doubt, she made some very bad decisions, but who are we to say her husband should leave? Or even stay for that matter.. he had obviously decided to stay for the moment. So maybe advice of how she should be handleing her husbands emotions right now would be more appropriate?



Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

They are too excuses. You just completely contradicted yourself. Why is it for better or for worse only when it comes to divorce or separation? Why is it only the "easy way out" when it comes to the same issues? If you cheat and have your cake and eat it too, that's the easy way. If you aren't getting what you need in your marriage and it's "for worse" then you talk. You go to counseling. You work on making it better BEFORE this kind of shit happens. If it's  not working you figure it out one way or another, you don't just fall into the arms of another person, REPEATEDLY. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

Like you said, you have never been in a situation like this. So the rude manner in which you addressed her is the issue. The way you just explained it now was , much more appropriate. Those aren't excuses my dear, those are facts. And you can talk and talk to someone , but sometimes the issues don't click and you become someone else..but again you wouldn't know that because you have never been in the situation and I pray you never have to be. And unfortunatly separation and divorce are the easy way out. I guess people only expect " for better " and not " for worse " and let's face it, that's just ignorant





Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I would never be ashamed for being honest. This is what I think. Why are you making excuses for her? I quite frankly don't care if it sounds rude. If she had a bad communicator, or a lack of intimacy she could have addressed it and then assessed the situation. She could have left. She could have asked for a separation or a divorce. Instead, she CHOSE to have her cake and eat it too. And why should she still get the same level of treatment from her husband as she did before. Foot rubs, lunches, romantic dinners? SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH! 

If this were my marriage, I may be able to work though a single transgression. One time mistake. Never, ever, ever could I work through a prolonged affair. You made a mistake the first time. You made a concious choice when you went back for more. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

First of all THIS is incredibly rude. I have been exactly where her husband has been. And I would NEVER even think of speaking to someone like this, even after all I have been through.. so let me guess , YOU must be PERFECT right? Or you just have no soul or emotion so things in life do NOT effect you?... she is human! Cheating is NOTHING new to marriage or relationships. Its NEVER okay to cheat. But let's face it, unfortunatly it happens. And being that you were not inside their marriage , you don't know what the issues were. Maybe she is a bad communicator, or maybe he is..maybe they became more like roomates rather then partners in life..maybe lack of affection or intimacy??? You don't know! Some people drink as an out, and some people look elsewhere for an out.. bottom line, its not right, but you my dear, are not one to judge someone else on what you THINK their choice was or what you think their spouse should do... you should be ashamed of yourself!







Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.




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Sweetheart08
by Bronze Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 2:17 PM
2 moms liked this

Okay since I have read most of these post on here and no one on here has been in your shoes , SO let me  try to help you by telling you my story.

My husband and I have been in the place where you are right now. And I was the cheater. This was actually before we got married or even engaged.

I had been in a previous relationship where my ex-fiance cheated on me contiously and I decided after him I would never be the fool agian. Because I figured every man lied and cheats,.But to my surprise I was wrong. While dating my husband I was fooling around with two other men. I always used protection and everything with all of them except my husband. But I went to the doctor and had a paps done and a vregular screen for everydisease under the sun. Well I had stop messing aroun with both of these men like 4 months prior to getting a check up. Well the doctor called me one morning while i was in bed with my hubby. It was HORRIBLE NEWS, NO I did not have AIDs but an STD was still as bad. ANd yes He heard. SO I told him evrything and then started making phone calls for the other two to go to the doctor, and they went right away. But I can tell you I hurt him so bad that he was crying and I had never seen him cry ever! I cried and begged him to forgive he couldnt even muster outany words. I walked right out of his apartment , leaving my seven month old son with him. All I could do was cry and scream. I literally felt as if I was dying from the inside out. HE came out leaving my baby with his cousin to talk to me. And i couldnt even hear him thats how loud my crying was. He told me it was al right , when I cleary new it wasnt alright. We went to the doctor and both took some medicine and they said it should be gone in some amount of time. AND that next week I was feeling sick went to the doctor and they said i wasnt pregnant and the following week I was . BUt there was no doubt that my little girl was his. And she is . But as we are going to the doctor he retaliated and cheated on my with multiple women and he literally told this to my face and did not even apologize and I really felt as if I made all that happen and it was my fault. We even stopped keeping contact for those first few weeks of my pregnancy because he was so discussed with me.

BUT YES EVEN AFTER ALL OF THIS I took two and a half years for him to forgive me with all his heart. We were in counseling for even longer than 2 years. Exspecially me. but you have to give him time. Because It really does hurt them. My honey told me I about killed him. I made a promise to him that I would never break his heart agian for as long I lived. and we have been married for four years on this oct 16. Which is awesome I f you and him are willing to make this work then dont give up it takes time and if your a christian then you need to get on your knees and pray and pray that god will help you guy fix your marriage, that he will soften you hubby's heart so he can forgive you.

Please prayer changes things especailly when you have faith that God can and will change the situation.

Ill be praying for you!



Molo1818
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 2:22 PM
Quoting parisonmom:

I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but tell him he can sleep with a female. Tell him how deeply sorry you are and that if he wants to go sleep.with someone else do so because that's how he would mainly get over it by hurting you and to see how it feels. Write him letters everyday tell him how much your sorry and that you love him and loves what he does for you although you don't deserve it.

Let him make you feel what he feels then it will go away.



Believe it or not when he first found out while he was yelling at me calling me everyname under the sun, he said something about that now he had earned a " Hall Pass " some line from a movie that referred to allowing him to go with someone else. So a week later while in another fight I told him to take the hall pass if it would help......
That was a mistake, he became in raged with me.
He saId "despite what I think I know of him, he doesn't believe in loveless sex" how could I even offer such a thing after what I had just done. I'll I ever wanted was you......
I didn't know what to say but I'm sorry and it will never , ever happen again.
Oh God, I'm soo mad at my self for doing this to him and to us.
nikkifam5
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 2:24 PM
Agreed! I left for a while, because of exactly what you said. But I am so very glad I came back :)

Quoting mamaBerg85:

I on the other hand have been in a situationlike this except my ex knocked another girl up. He didnt deserve me and she doesn't deserve her husband. He should of left her. I agree but he didn't and now he needs help if he truly wants to stay with her. I married an amazing man who loves me. He always tells me how great i am. However i know if he ever cheated on me hed be gone. I'm not saying I'd never take him back but I'd tell him to leave for a longv while. I would not take him back right then and there hed have to earn it.




Quoting nikkifam5:

Again, if people were perfect there would never be a "for worse". But people are not perfect, but you seem to think you come pretty close ! And again, you have never been in a situation like this ( which again I pray you never are ) so you can THINK you know what you are speaking of, but you don't first hand. Listen, I'm not some crazy b$#*h who wants to argue with you. I'm just saying, you can have an opinion, but you don't have a right to be nasty. No doubt, she made some very bad decisions, but who are we to say her husband should leave? Or even stay for that matter.. he had obviously decided to stay for the moment. So maybe advice of how she should be handleing her husbands emotions right now would be more appropriate?





Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

They are too excuses. You just completely contradicted yourself. Why is it for better or for worse only when it comes to divorce or separation? Why is it only the "easy way out" when it comes to the same issues? If you cheat and have your cake and eat it too, that's the easy way. If you aren't getting what you need in your marriage and it's "for worse" then you talk. You go to counseling. You work on making it better BEFORE this kind of shit happens. If it's  not working you figure it out one way or another, you don't just fall into the arms of another person, REPEATEDLY. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

Like you said, you have never been in a situation like this. So the rude manner in which you addressed her is the issue. The way you just explained it now was , much more appropriate. Those aren't excuses my dear, those are facts. And you can talk and talk to someone , but sometimes the issues don't click and you become someone else..but again you wouldn't know that because you have never been in the situation and I pray you never have to be. And unfortunatly separation and divorce are the easy way out. I guess people only expect " for better " and not " for worse " and let's face it, that's just ignorant







Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I would never be ashamed for being honest. This is what I think. Why are you making excuses for her? I quite frankly don't care if it sounds rude. If she had a bad communicator, or a lack of intimacy she could have addressed it and then assessed the situation. She could have left. She could have asked for a separation or a divorce. Instead, she CHOSE to have her cake and eat it too. And why should she still get the same level of treatment from her husband as she did before. Foot rubs, lunches, romantic dinners? SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH! 

If this were my marriage, I may be able to work though a single transgression. One time mistake. Never, ever, ever could I work through a prolonged affair. You made a mistake the first time. You made a concious choice when you went back for more. 

Quoting nikkifam5:

First of all THIS is incredibly rude. I have been exactly where her husband has been. And I would NEVER even think of speaking to someone like this, even after all I have been through.. so let me guess , YOU must be PERFECT right? Or you just have no soul or emotion so things in life do NOT effect you?... she is human! Cheating is NOTHING new to marriage or relationships. Its NEVER okay to cheat. But let's face it, unfortunatly it happens. And being that you were not inside their marriage , you don't know what the issues were. Maybe she is a bad communicator, or maybe he is..maybe they became more like roomates rather then partners in life..maybe lack of affection or intimacy??? You don't know! Some people drink as an out, and some people look elsewhere for an out.. bottom line, its not right, but you my dear, are not one to judge someone else on what you THINK their choice was or what you think their spouse should do... you should be ashamed of yourself!









Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Sorry, but you suck and I wouldn't forgive you. Just being honest here. One time is a mistake. A prolonged affair over a period of months is a CHOICE. You chose to do this, you chose to destroy your marriage, repeatedly. I think he should leave you.




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GypsyRayne
by Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 3:20 PM

I have been where you are, not exactly because I didn't stay married. PM me if you want to talk.

meganisamom
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 4:33 PM
1 mom liked this
No one is bashing anyone. I am a Christian. But I also know that God is not going to make her husband forget that she cheated in him.


Quoting raegan1221:

 If you're a Christian, you use God..you pray to him for help and guidance. If you don't believe or are not a Christian, that's fine but don't bash those who are and trying to help.


Quoting meganisamom:

God is not the factor here. It is annoying when people screw up and then use God as a way out. How about answering for ones Indiscretions?



Quoting Jennifer508:

God can and will help you two through anything and everything! Your husband loves you and he is hurt. I know how he feels because my husband of 15 years cheated on me. Give him time and be an open book. It was so bad for me that I had to be on Xanax for anxiety. Good luck!


 


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