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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Rebuilding trust when he won't stop lying?

Posted by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:23 PM
  • 1 Replies
About 6 months ago my DF and I hit a bump in an otherwise great relationship. I found out he was lying to me about something that he had promised not to do anymore (on his own accord mind you, not something I had asked him to promise). He tried defending himself in tons of different ways and I heard the whole "I was going to tell you" but over and over. It took two days to get the whole truth about the issue out of him, as he kept telling different lies to try to cover his butt. In the process I also found out some other major things he had been lying about, and its been incredibly difficult to trust him since then.

Fast forward 6 months and here I am, completely upset because he lies to me over little shit constantly. It isn't the stuff that he is lying about that hurts so much and makes me doubt him, it's the fact that he is lying either directly to my face or by omission that hurts. He's known since the start of this relationship that I despise liars and I see it as complete disrespect, he knows that if he were to tell me the truth he would have much less of an explosive reaction from me than when I find out on my own.... But he still continues to lie.

I can't sleep without having nightmares about him lying, I can't go a full day without anxiety over him doing something. I want so badly to rebuild my trust in him again but I don't know how when he continues to lie.

Have any of you ladies been through this? What helps?

We are trying to get couples counseling but because its through the VA it seems that we will have awhile to wait and I need some help in the meantime.

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:23 PM
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SareyF
by Sarah on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:43 PM
I understand. We have the same problem. My husband and I were both on board with quitting smoking when I got pregnant with my youngest. I quit Feb 2009. He didn't. Along with the pregnancy and quitting came a strong aversion to cigarettes. And even now, the smell and taste of cigarettes or cigarette smoke on another person, makes me physically ill. And for years my husband has continued to say he would quit, of his own volition, but then relapses and goes out of his way to sneak and lie. I catch him every single time. Every time! And I don't get mad so much about the smoking, but that he is so dishonest with me. He lies to my face. He lies when I ask him straight up. He seems to think I'm stupid, that hiding this is more important than having trust in our relationship...and that hurts my feelings more than words can relate. Smoke, fine. I can't control him or tell him what to do. It may kill our intimacy, but if it's more important to him... And he lies about other little things and I just don't understand WHY. Just don't lie to me. I loathe liars.
I am a very honest and loyal person. I don't ask for anything I don't give. And it just hurts so bad.
My husband is now having to deal with the repercussions of my lack of trust in him and our relationship. He's having to rebuild the trust. And he's realizing I am nearing my limit of bullshit and that I can and will stand alone if he doesn't shape up.
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