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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Having a hard time forgiving him after his infidelity

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 My boyfriend cheated on me with a girl back in December for months until the girls sister found me on face book and asked me about him why did I have pix of me and him if we're not together Only for her to know that we never broke up. The girl never inboxed me herself because she knew I knew nothing about her. long story short, I broke up with him then found out I was pregnant. He constantly asked me to give him another chance but I couldn't I was too hurt and being pregnant I didn't wanna stress anymore then I already was. About a month later me and him went to my prenatal appointment and found out that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I ended up having to get a D&C. He stayed a few nights with me then I told him to leave I just couldn't deal with us at that moment. about a month 1/2 later He asked me out to dinner I went. A few more dates later he basically spilled his heart out pleading for me to forgive him and start fresh And I did. But I always found myself thinking about him cheating on me. and wondering If was or Is talking to this girl still. So I constantly brought her up and he kept saying he wasn't talking to her he know he messed up and he doesn't wanna do anything to lose me again. But my women's intuition told me he was lying so I took it upon myself to call her to only find out he told her he was in love with me always has been and she See's that and blah blah blah. I'm not gonna lie I felt bad for the girl after talking to her and wish I never called her. I see a change In him but I still can't forget about what he did. I think about It everyday. But I know I don't wanna be without him. my mom tells me If I wanna be with him I gotta look forward and stop looking in the past because Its not healthy. I try but I'm still very very VERY hurt. so I don't know what to do. I try to push him away but he says he can't let me walk away. It seems like he realized he messed up and tries so hard to fix it but Im always bringing what he did up. I feel like he ruined us by what he did and as hard as he tries and as much as I want us to get back to how we were Im always gonna think about what he did :(

by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:42 AM
Replies (11-20):
Nunyabusiness
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 9:38 AM

Honestly, once is enough for me and he got caught. He didn't come clean. I don't think I could ever forgive and forget and move forward. Just thinking of what he was doing, him being intimate with another woman, would turn me off forever. I'm sorry for the loss of your baby :(

katamike
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 9:41 AM

 I agree.

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

This isn't just about him. You have double grief going on, grief for your shared baby and grief for your relationship. This is going to be a double hard road for you, dealing with both the infidelity and the loss of a child. Every time you see him, I'm sure you are reminded of the baby as well. You would likely benefit from grief counseling, not just relationship counseling. He doesn't deserve full trust immediately, but if you want it to work with him you are going to have to give him a chance and work through the emotional issues you both share as well. I'm sure he carries guilt, not just for what he has done, but for the baby too.

Good luck.

 

katen56
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:03 AM

Does he have a history of cheating on other girls before you? If he does, then it is my experience that this is just who he is. If he doesn't, it's possible he got caught up in something that went out of control fast and he may never do it again. 

CameronsMommy23
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:07 AM
If you want to be with him you'll have to make him earn your trust back. You have to realize it will take time. Sounds like he told her that he loves you which is a good start! Maybe take things really slowly for awhile & see what develops.
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furbabymum
by Gold Member on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:51 AM
1 mom liked this

 First off, stop TTC. Worst idea ever at this point.

My DH cheated (though not physically). It took about 2 years of therapy for us both before I was 100% over it. This guy needs to be like an open book. He needs to be doing everything he can to earn your trust back. What is he doing? How is he changing for the better? I'd get some couples therapy if I were you. Seperately and together. You need to work through your issues with it, he needs to work through his, and then you need to work together. It's a long process and he needs to realize that. I can tell you, eventually you will forget. You'll be able to type out what your DH did without a single feeling of sadness or anger because you'll be fully over it. So, it'll take A LOT of time but it is possible to overcome. Just DO NOT get pregnant while you are working through it. Nothing could be worse for all people involved.

unsuspected
by Gold Member on Oct. 10, 2012 at 2:01 PM

He did ruin your relationship by what he did.

I don't go for the once a cheater always a cheater stupidity, so you don't owe me or anyone else an explanation as to why you want to stay.  You know him better than anyone else here, it's completely your call.

But if you're deciding to stay in the relationship you HAVE to move past it.  make something NEW of your relationship.  His choices ruined your PAST but if you decide to stay, harping on it and not letting go will ruin your future.  You will never get back to where you were before this happened.  That part is gone.  But you can decide to work on something new, better communication, more respect, more accountability etc.  

If you CAN'T let go, than you need to move on.  It's not fair to you to carry that pain around with you and it;s not fair to him, if he's changed, to have it thrown in his face either.  

Every Time you have a choice to go back into that pain and betrayal ... decide to let it go.  Don;t let your heart or your thoughts drag you back to it.  It takes work and strong will and it isn't easy.  Also, it;s his job, if he wants to stay ... to earn your trust back.  To be an open book, no secrets.  If that means shared passwords to accounts, access to his phone, etc ... anything you need for him to prove that he's being straight forward and honest.  He needs to work to earn back your trust.  

You two have some real healing to do.  It's not easy and I highly recommend counseling.  

xoxRachelxox
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 2:07 PM

This is why I don't think I could ever go back with someone that cheated. I would always question every thing he said and did. It would be too hard to trust him again.

You have to decide if you're willing to get hurt again by him. If you can't stand to be without him, is that more important to you than to feel that hurt and pain all over again only worse because it happened again.

I suppose it's possible for a cheater to not cheat again but in my own experience, they've always done it again.

givenshl
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 2:15 PM
1 mom liked this

 You need time to Heal. You are not there yet. It don't happen overnight. Take your time to Heal from losing your Baby, that's #1. Trust is something he would have to earn from you IF you decide to continue in this relationship with him.

Good Luck.

Metteba
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 2:30 PM

I would move on.  One poster said, he only fessed up because he was caught.  Your his comfort zone and he wants that back.  He cheated on you and he will do it again.  I wonder why when men get caught, they just don't be with that other woman-maybe its the thrill...IDK.  They always want to come back...to what? He cheated for whatever reasons...but yeah, move the hell on you deserve better, dont dwell on it because it happened and there is nothing you can do....Mama.  

Mama, you need to move on and take some time for yourself and one day you will meet a guy who won't treat you like that....I know it will work out for you...take one step at a time....

Celtic_Dragon
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 2:32 PM

You'll get over it with time, but you'll never forget it happened. Eventually, it becomes nothing more than a hiccup in your relationship, but right now it is still a mountain.

I personally wouldn't have gone back after losing the baby. I would have seen that as a secret blessing and a sign from God. But if you are serious about this man, then just give it time. I do not think cheating makes or breaks a relationship. Being faithful is difficult for our species. He failed at it, so has millions of other men and women. If you love him and you have a good relationship otherwise, it is worth waiting for the trust to be earned again.

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